Dissing the partner when had a drink

hanay · 03-12-2012, 12:01 PM

Hi,

After another horrible weekend I wanted to see if anybody else has this problem. During the week my partner and I are getting on well, I found out 3 months ago that he had a one night stand with a woman from work.

We have been having counselling and trying to be as open as possible. But then it comes to the weekend and say we are at a friends birthday and I have had a few to drink I seem to get soo angry and furious at him and I end up telling random people what he has done and almost *****ing about him. We then argue about it and he goes mad at me (as he has asked me not to tell people) but I think its me just needing to vent.

But also I do feel bad as it is also making him miserable and we are taking 10 steps back every time I do this- I want to move fwd.

Does anyone else have this issue when they have had a drink, I dont know how to take this rage away?

Thanks

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 12:23 PM

well I suggest you abstain from the booze until you are more emotionally stable

BUT

it is up to you to decide if it's kept secret, not him

AngryandUsed · 03-12-2012, 12:26 PM

You should decide about disclosure. However, it should not be in a public. Disclose to OW spouse or bf, his family, your family etc.

hanay · 03-12-2012, 12:36 PM

You think thats its best that we tell our families and friends? Is this the healthy way to deal with it or will it just mean that I then have numeorus people telling me that I should leave him- which they all will do. I have not told anyone as I am easily infuenced and wanted to make my own decisions...

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 12:38 PM

that's your choice-

I didn't expose my wife to family and friends because I didn't need to as she did the things necessary almost immediately.

That said, most WS's aren't like that and need to face stark consequences of exposure in order to realize the pain they put you through and to do what's needed

AngryandUsed · 03-12-2012, 12:41 PM

Your decision on exposure is likely to be influenced by the questions such as,
Is he showing remorse? Are you willing to R?

First stop intoxicating....

hanay · 03-12-2012, 12:46 PM

Yes he is showing remorse, not in the way that I would show it- but hey I am me and we are all different. He has given me all his passwords, we are in counselling and he has told me over and over that he regrets it- I want to believe him.

I just feel that if we tell everyone- including family that my family will hate him and whats the point in that and his family will never see our relationship in the same eyes again. It would feel like another betrayal all over again. Maybe I am jsut a push over though and should have told his family....he always seems to get off scott free

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 12:51 PM

I have my reasons for not exposing that are similar to yours- my family (except my brother) is full with cheaters and I figure them knowing is not going to do any good nor offer me any support that I cared for. Her family is moralistically unwavering, had we gone splitsville I would have dropped the bomb. (if she wasnt going to show remorse I was just going to divorce, I would not have worked to get her back) But as they ways things played out it would have done more harm than good in all likelihood. I guess I'll never know for sure.

My experience is somewhat atypical however in this case. I think exposure to the AP's spouse or SO is always a must. Family exposure is a "depends" and work exposure is a last resort type of move.

But ultimately, the exposure is your choice- not his, he doesn't set the terms on that or other things that you think you require for healing

hanay · 03-12-2012, 12:54 PM

Yes your right.

I think the thing that triggers me if I have had a drink is if someone says to me 'oh your lucky to have xxx as your man, hes a good guy' and something just goes off in my head and I have to say 'well actaully' he isnt that GOOD a guy....!! And then tell the whole story, get emotional etc. Its terrible