I just found out....
I'll try to keep this straight and to the point.
My wife left me a few months ago. She would spend many nights away from home - she said she would be staying at hotels, friends houses, etc. And not give me any details about where she was. Said that she just felt too distraught to be at home and wouldn't give me clear reasons why. She was not available to me whatsoever as a spouse. There were lots of signs that others said were obvious but I didn't believe them.
I feel like just another infidelity story - turns out they were right. All along. I feel like a fool now.
I just found out a few days ago my wife actually was cheating, but I did it through dishonest means. I guessed her Facebook password and saw all of the explicit messages, naked pictures, wanting to marry him and have his baby, you name it. I saw it all. I was so upset I had to leave work for the day - I lost it.
Now we are going through a divorce. We went to two counseling sessions but all she did was tell me
she didn't love me anymore. Like she was just going through the motions. She didn't want to try and work on it at all. I played my part - she told me she felt disconnected and alone, and couldn't get through to me. There was no abuse or anything of that sort. But instead of trying couples counseling and working on things, she decided to cheat on me.
I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy. The temptation was SO great to splatter it around everywhere and rub her face in it. But that would just complicate things and make things that much more nasty between me and my ex. And it just feels wrong to drag her through the dirt. Every day I fight the urge to keep my mouth shut about this.
I confronted her the other night about it, but I didn't reveal that I had definitive proof - only the signs that I've picked up "publicly." It is so painfully obvious what she has done and that I could put two and two together. But she lied about it. Over and over. There were whispers of this months ago and it was brought up then as well and she lied about it then too.
My ex and I have a child together. I don't want this man replacing me as his father. I don't know if that is what
she wants or not.
I have been seeing a counselor, and he said that I must work through my emotions and, with time, it will die down.
My questions are two-fold:
When confronted with this kind of stuff, why do cheaters keep CONTINUALLY lying about it?
What can I do to make sure that I will not be replaced as a father?
Many thanks for any insight or advice.
Sorry, I want to vomit everytime a BS says they were wrong for violating their cheating spouses privacy. Like that is a horrible thing. They are not focused on the fact that the WS spread her legs for another man but that they guessed their WS FB account password.
We all give opinions here so here goes. There is not expectation or "privacy" in a marriage. Transparency can go a long way to develop trust. One part of her unfaithfulness was keeping FB private from you and using it is as an affair tool.
Would you feel guilty in unlocking your wife's trunk when you find her affair clothing and so on? Would you feel guilty for over hearing her planning her affair with the OM? I hope not.
The other day I had to drive over a double white line. I did not want to hit another vehicle. Driving over the double white line was illegal. If I exceed the speed limnit to get my wife to the hospital I am willing to get a ticket. Life is shades of gray. We have to make big people decisions.
You had every right in my opinion to do what you did. The problem is that you did not do it way sooner but that is history now. You trusted her and she broke that trust. You are not the bad guy.
It is not that I am being rough on you but rather that you are beating yourself up needlessly.
To answer your questions however. I think people lie because they do not want to accpet that they did wrong. They are still putting the blame on you. I think it is cruel.
You need to make sure you are actively involved with their lives. Make sure you get the visitation that you deserver and they need. Make sure your children see you as strong and loving man.