Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?
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Old 03-14-2012, 11:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

I just found out....

I'll try to keep this straight and to the point.

My wife left me a few months ago. She would spend many nights away from home - she said she would be staying at hotels, friends houses, etc. And not give me any details about where she was. Said that she just felt too distraught to be at home and wouldn't give me clear reasons why. She was not available to me whatsoever as a spouse. There were lots of signs that others said were obvious but I didn't believe them.

I feel like just another infidelity story - turns out they were right. All along. I feel like a fool now.

I just found out a few days ago my wife actually was cheating, but I did it through dishonest means. I guessed her Facebook password and saw all of the explicit messages, naked pictures, wanting to marry him and have his baby, you name it. I saw it all. I was so upset I had to leave work for the day - I lost it.

Now we are going through a divorce. We went to two counseling sessions but all she did was tell me
she didn't love me anymore. Like she was just going through the motions. She didn't want to try and work on it at all. I played my part - she told me she felt disconnected and alone, and couldn't get through to me. There was no abuse or anything of that sort. But instead of trying couples counseling and working on things, she decided to cheat on me.

I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy. The temptation was SO great to splatter it around everywhere and rub her face in it. But that would just complicate things and make things that much more nasty between me and my ex. And it just feels wrong to drag her through the dirt. Every day I fight the urge to keep my mouth shut about this.

I confronted her the other night about it, but I didn't reveal that I had definitive proof - only the signs that I've picked up "publicly." It is so painfully obvious what she has done and that I could put two and two together. But she lied about it. Over and over. There were whispers of this months ago and it was brought up then as well and she lied about it then too.

My ex and I have a child together. I don't want this man replacing me as his father. I don't know if that is what
she wants or not.

I have been seeing a counselor, and he said that I must work through my emotions and, with time, it will die down.

My questions are two-fold:

When confronted with this kind of stuff, why do cheaters keep CONTINUALLY lying about it?

What can I do to make sure that I will not be replaced as a father?

Many thanks for any insight or advice.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

depends on the state but you may be able to install a morality clause where she can't introduce the children to men unless engaged or such


is the OM married btw?
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

You know exactly why she is lying and it will get worse as she gaslights you to friends and family.

How do you counteract this , you make copies of your evidence and you expose the OM and your wife , their fantasy will soon disappear, unless your happy to be insulted and your child bought up believing you were the problem.

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Old 03-14-2012, 12:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

No he is not married.

He has a girlfriend so he is cheating on her too, and he is 17 years her senior (17 years older than my ex that is). I don't know if I should tell my lawyer this, that I got all this information through dishonest means. I didn't hack her account, just guessed her password. But maybe that could be construed as "hacking." But why keep lying when confronted with facts that point to an inevitable conclusion? Over and over again?

Maybe I just need to grow a pair and get over the fact that I want her to admit it.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

they lie for the same reason they rewrite the marital history and they vilify you- they know it's very wrong and they can't admit it
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

tell the lawyer how you got the proof, it's not likely to ever be an issue unless you have a gung ho prosecutor wanting to make a name for himself. Most states it doesnt matter if you can prove the infidelity anyways
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

Stop asking the question? "But why keep lying when confronted with facts that point to an inevitable conclusion? Over and over again?" and do something about it.

Your lawyer will tell you to keep quiet , if that what you want to hear say no more.

The OM has no doubt got parents, siblings,adult children, friends or co-workers to expose to. Your wife has her parents, siblings and friends . You don't need to tell them where the evidence came from, keep that to yourself .
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy.

I am hearing this more and more on here, WTF. She is or was your wife at the time. I do not get it. Why do so many folks feel so guilty about checking their spouses email, FB or whatever accounts? In every case they find something.


You may not be able to do anything about being replaced as the father. If she leaves you, gets custody of the child or even shared custody and the OM or some other dude moves in with her and that person gets to spend most of the time with the child, it will not be long before the child is calling him daddy. Unfortunately, it is just the way it goes.

They lie because it is their character. They are cheats, liars, manipulators, you name it. It is the way they are. Low life, POS.

An honorable, truthful person would not cheat. A cheat can't be honorable or truthful because it is not in their nature to do so.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

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Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
You know exactly why she is lying and it will get worse as she gaslights you to friends and family.

How do you counteract this , you make copies of your evidence and you expose the OM and your wife , their fantasy will soon disappear, unless your happy to be insulted and your child bought up believing you were the problem.

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I did make copies of everything. But if I throw everything out into the sunlight, she would change her FB PW immediately and I'd lose this "in" to her private life wouldn't I?

I mean, my brother also went through a somewhat similar situation, and he says I have a gold mine of information that I might be able to use against her. But my state is a no-fault divorce state.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

Well your lawyer would keep it secret, no? I wouldn't tell anyone else about how you got the info though. Especially your ex.

Why do they lie? Why does anyone lie? They want to minimize their own pain and suffering and they say whatever pops into their head, or what they've been rehearsing to say. I have read from WS's on here who say they lied to try and spare their spouse pain and suffering, and that may be true in some cases, but the vast majority of the time people lie for selfish reasons.

Really, that's all you're ever gonna know. Sorry.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

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Originally Posted by Thorburn View Post
I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy.

I am hearing this more and more on here, WTF. She is or was your wife at the time. I do not get it. Why do so many folks feel so guilty about checking their spouses email, FB or whatever accounts? In every case they find something.
Wasn't there just a case where a cheater sued the BS for something to do with hacking their facebook??
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

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Wasn't there just a case where a cheater sued the BS for something to do with hacking their facebook??
you'll find isolated cases like this but the fact is that is extremely rare for a prosecutor to even bother with a case for criminal intents and the large majority of waywards don't want their name associated with cheating in the media for civil suits
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:24 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

Personally I don't think you were wrong to hack her facebook - not even a little bit.

Anyway. From the cheaters perspective I'd say the reason we lie when confronted is a little different. It has to do with compartmentalization and damage control. Most everyone who's not a sociopathic serial cheat has to put their affair and their marriage into separate mental and emotional compartments. It's the only way most can live with the dichotomy of being in an affair with one person and married to another and flip between them so completely and so quickly. Affair over here in one pocket and married life over here in the other, and pray the two worlds don't ever meet.

When confronted with reality all of the sudden the two worlds do meet!! The compartments collapse and all the ugliness of what you've done is spread out before you. You see the lies, the pain, the damage, the person you never thought you'd be. And usually this is thrust upon you with zero notice and no chance to even take a deep breath before your worlds come crashing down and you have to react. So what does the cheater do? Damage control. They start trying to put the two worlds back into their separate compartments as fast as possible so they can get time to take a breath and figure out what just happened. Lies, reality, made up answers - it doesn't matter what it takes to get those worlds back where they belong as long as you get them there and fast so your head can stop exploding. Once the worlds are back in their compartments at least to some degree the cheater takes a breath. As bad as it is, once those worlds are compartmentalized again most cheaters will go right back to living the life of lies and deceit. This is part of why it's so difficult to kill affairs and why exposure to anyone and everyone is so effective - it keeps the worlds together - it prevents the cheater from being able to compartmentalize them and forces the cheater to see reality and deal with it.

Personally, I think some cheaters would not lie if when their spouses confronted they would lay their evidence out and tell their cheating spouse, "Don't say anything, I'll be back in 10 minutes to hear what you have to say." When my D Day dawned by pure luck I got about 15 minutes to prepare myself for what I was about to do to my wife before I actually had to do it. A chance to steel myself and commit to myself to tell her the full truth - no matter how bad it got. I am so very thankful for the gift of those 15 minutes.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:38 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

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Originally Posted by agent4125 View Post
I just found out....

I'll try to keep this straight and to the point.

My wife left me a few months ago. She would spend many nights away from home - she said she would be staying at hotels, friends houses, etc. And not give me any details about where she was. Said that she just felt too distraught to be at home and wouldn't give me clear reasons why. She was not available to me whatsoever as a spouse. There were lots of signs that others said were obvious but I didn't believe them.

I feel like just another infidelity story - turns out they were right. All along. I feel like a fool now.

I just found out a few days ago my wife actually was cheating, but I did it through dishonest means. I guessed her Facebook password and saw all of the explicit messages, naked pictures, wanting to marry him and have his baby, you name it. I saw it all. I was so upset I had to leave work for the day - I lost it.

Now we are going through a divorce. We went to two counseling sessions but all she did was tell me
she didn't love me anymore. Like she was just going through the motions. She didn't want to try and work on it at all. I played my part - she told me she felt disconnected and alone, and couldn't get through to me. There was no abuse or anything of that sort. But instead of trying couples counseling and working on things, she decided to cheat on me.

I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy. The temptation was SO great to splatter it around everywhere and rub her face in it. But that would just complicate things and make things that much more nasty between me and my ex. And it just feels wrong to drag her through the dirt. Every day I fight the urge to keep my mouth shut about this.

I confronted her the other night about it, but I didn't reveal that I had definitive proof - only the signs that I've picked up "publicly." It is so painfully obvious what she has done and that I could put two and two together. But she lied about it. Over and over. There were whispers of this months ago and it was brought up then as well and she lied about it then too.

My ex and I have a child together. I don't want this man replacing me as his father. I don't know if that is what
she wants or not.

I have been seeing a counselor, and he said that I must work through my emotions and, with time, it will die down.

My questions are two-fold:

When confronted with this kind of stuff, why do cheaters keep CONTINUALLY lying about it?

What can I do to make sure that I will not be replaced as a father?

Many thanks for any insight or advice.
Sorry, I want to vomit everytime a BS says they were wrong for violating their cheating spouses privacy. Like that is a horrible thing. They are not focused on the fact that the WS spread her legs for another man but that they guessed their WS FB account password.

We all give opinions here so here goes. There is not expectation or "privacy" in a marriage. Transparency can go a long way to develop trust. One part of her unfaithfulness was keeping FB private from you and using it is as an affair tool.

Would you feel guilty in unlocking your wife's trunk when you find her affair clothing and so on? Would you feel guilty for over hearing her planning her affair with the OM? I hope not.

The other day I had to drive over a double white line. I did not want to hit another vehicle. Driving over the double white line was illegal. If I exceed the speed limnit to get my wife to the hospital I am willing to get a ticket. Life is shades of gray. We have to make big people decisions.

You had every right in my opinion to do what you did. The problem is that you did not do it way sooner but that is history now. You trusted her and she broke that trust. You are not the bad guy.

It is not that I am being rough on you but rather that you are beating yourself up needlessly.

To answer your questions however. I think people lie because they do not want to accpet that they did wrong. They are still putting the blame on you. I think it is cruel.

You need to make sure you are actively involved with their lives. Make sure you get the visitation that you deserver and they need. Make sure your children see you as strong and loving man.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-14-2012 at 01:03 PM.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?

i would tell your lawyer.he will give you advice on what to do.i would not let her have the benefit of getting away with it.
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