Curious, don't take this the wrong way, but you need to get help ASAP.
Someone is threatening to be violent with you, while lying and cheating on you, you're not even married, and you're mad at him for withholding sex from you??????
Why in god's name would you want to have sex with this man? You should be putting a restraining order on him.
Thanks! I know if I go without him he'll flip out because then he'll THINK that I'm doing worse because he's not there, ya know?
It's just not fair. Why does he try to hold me down? Not let me live and have fun? Enjoy myself?
He's allowed to go out with his friends. I don't hold him back!
And if you don't go he'll find something else to flip out about. This man is abusive and it won't stop without some serious help. You need to rejoin the rest of the world. You are in an abusive relationship and need support. You will need the same support when you decide to walk away from this sorry excuse of a man.
He has taught you that you are responsible for his emotions. You are NOT. He can choose to stay home and worry about what you're up to or he can go with you. You are giving him the choice! You aren't responsible for the emotions he feels due to his choice. Look into codependency.
I know it's far easier for me to talk about the things you should do compared to you actually doing them. I understand you feel confused and trapped right now, but I hope you can find the strength to make a few changes. Hopefully those changes will snowball and you'll find yourself strong enough to move on before it's too late.
There is no place in any relationship for abuse. Physical, mental or verbal.
If you stay, you are condeming yourself to a life of unnecessary pain filled with resentment and bitterness. My mom stayed too long with my abusive father and now has no one in her life to love her b/c of her bitterness. She finally got away from my dad, but the damage was already done. Don't become that bitter old woman, and be a strong person for the kids. I totally blame my mom for not leaving my dad sooner. And if she did leave him sooner, maybe there would have been hope for me and my siblings to not be so screwed up when it came to intimate relationships.
You may think you are doing good for the kids by staying, but you are not. They see everything. They will get to the age when they know what is going on, and they will realize that their mom was too weak to leave. Then they will wonder and question if it was their fault that you stayed with such an abusive person...if you stayed b/c of them...then they will have deeper issues of committment and self hate thinking they were the cause of you staying in a horrible relationship.
As a the oldest child of a mother who was in an abusive marriage for 15 years, I see the damage it causes. Not only to me and my relationships, but to my younger siblings who really weren't old enough to understand at the time what was going on. They may not have completely understood, but the damage was still done to their psyche.
*edited* It looks like he has kids but you two do not? Still, there are kids around and involved and they look to you as a parental figure. Don't let them down...
Wow, I'm not sure why you are so scared to check the phone? A little over a month ago I discovered my husband of 12+ years was essentially living a double life. He's been hanging out in the bars with his friend (a guy) while I thought he was at work. He worked evenings/nights so I was asleep before he came home. He had other facebook page to "friend" these people they hang out with.
I uncovered every password I could and started snooping. Not knowing and imagining is worse. He won't admit to anything and so I know I'm probably imagining worse than it really is.
Like you, I wonder why does he want to stay? Maybe because it's easier? They don't want us with anyone else either? We have two kids so maybe that's part?
I was allowing him to have it both ways. The day I discovered the facebook page I kicked him out. It's hard to think of being alone, like you I'm dependent on him. I've been with him since I was 18, but everyday has got easier since he's been gone.
Like your husband, he would blow up or become silent of I ever mentioned his single guy friend. I just blew it off.
Be careful though. My husband is not violent, but the fights got increasingly worse toward the end.
I do believe though he will NEVER change if you don't get out. He'll just become better at hiding it.
You deserve better and I'm right there in the pit with you so I know how you feel. You think your world won't go on, but it will.
You can pray for him from a distance and pray that he will change and be the man you want.
You said this is your boyfriend? Then he has no claim on you other than what you allow him. He sounds mentally unstable to me. I agree with others who are saying that he is projecting his cheating heart upon you. You are a fun, loving, happy, sexy Spanish lady. I imagine you would be in high demand. You can do better. You need to leave him and do better. There's plenty of non-jealous men out there. Time to live "la buena vida!"
He turns things round to make them all your fault. He gets angry, abusive, and defensive when u try to speak with him...therefore, it means that you don't question him, he can now do what he likes, and all problems are yours therefore he is infallible...and great, and good etc.
He doesn't like you going out, it causes a scene if u want to, he will get upset because you MAY get hit on by other men. You now never go out. You hit the nail on the head when u said is he trying to keep you sheltered....You now have no support network, are cut off from all your friends, and are now the 'good wife's at home. You are cut off, and therefore he has u trapped, secure. He has complete control over you.
He doesn't want you to go out because he KNOWS you WILL EASILY find someone better than him, because he knows he is not a good catch. His behaviour comes from a place of deapseated insecurity and possibly total lack of self. There4 he has to force someone to stay with him because if he did not, they would leave. All very subtle, he is not aware of this himself, it is just his 'manly' reactions to his emotional needs and insecurities. He is immature, he is a child, and he will not ever change. Don't ever think he will.
As for the dance at the wedding, I guarantee if u say u are going whether likes it or not, he will be right there with you. If you dare to dance with another man he will silently seethe, and the moment u get away and on your way home he will blow his top. You will get huge accusations of how dare you, you have made me a laughing stock, you dance with another man right in front of me and make a fool of me. All your behaviour will be construed as attacking his sense of manhood, attacking his male pride, and to do that in front if others will be the most sinful thing u ever have done. I would be very very careful about following through with that if I was you. Not because you don't have a right to dance and have a good time, but because if anything will drive him to 'knock your teeth out', or worse, that will.
And all of this, while he can go out when he likes, with who he likes, and f*ck around as much as he likes. Of course he can. He has you in control, exactly where he wants you. And if you start getting a little confident, he will knock you down again and charm you back in again. Another step in the right direction of keeping you exactly where he wants you.
You are slowly wising up while being on this site, do not show your hands to him. You know enough about his behaviour, if u cannot leave him now just gather evidence in order to strengthen yourself so you can leave. Make quiet plans and put things in place so that when the time comes you can get out. I wouldn't even bother telling him, or trying to talk with him. If u try to chat to sort, he will try to talk u round. Fill you with lies and charm. If you chat and intend to leave, he will probably get massively angry, another huge affront to his maleness, and who knows what he might do. Leave him a letter. That is your best bet. And inform him that you have informed people/police that if you get hurt, it will be him that has done it.
He turns things round to make them all your fault. He gets angry, abusive, and defensive when u try to speak with him...therefore, it means that you don't question him, he can now do what he likes, and all problems are yours therefore he is infallible...and great, and good etc.
He doesn't like you going out, it causes a scene if u want to, he will get upset because you MAY get hit on by other men. You now never go out. You hit the nail on the head when u said is he trying to keep you sheltered....You now have no support network, are cut off from all your friends, and are now the 'good wife's at home. You are cut off, and therefore he has u trapped, secure. He has complete control over you.
He doesn't want you to go out because he KNOWS you WILL EASILY find someone better than him, because he knows he is not a good catch. His behaviour comes from a place of deapseated insecurity and possibly total lack of self. There4 he has to force someone to stay with him because if he did not, they would leave. All very subtle, he is not aware of this himself, it is just his 'manly' reactions to his emotional needs and insecurities. He is immature, he is a child, and he will not ever change. Don't ever think he will.
As for the dance at the wedding, I guarantee if u say u are going whether likes it or not, he will be right there with you. If you dare to dance with another man he will silently seethe, and the moment u get away and on your way home he will blow his top. You will get huge accusations of how dare you, you have made me a laughing stock, you dance with another man right in front of me and make a fool of me. All your behaviour will be construed as attacking his sense of manhood, attacking his male pride, and to do that in front if others will be the most sinful thing u ever have done. I would be very very careful about following through with that if I was you. Not because you don't have a right to dance and have a good time, but because if anything will drive him to 'knock your teeth out', or worse, that will.
And all of this, while he can go out when he likes, with who he likes, and f*ck around as much as he likes. Of course he can. He has you in control, exactly where he wants you. And if you start getting a little confident, he will knock you down again and charm you back in again. Another step in the right direction of keeping you exactly where he wants you.
You are slowly wising up while being on this site, do not show your hands to him. You know enough about his behaviour, if u cannot leave him now just gather evidence in order to strengthen yourself so you can leave. Make quiet plans and put things in place so that when the time comes you can get out. I wouldn't even bother telling him, or trying to talk with him. If u try to chat to sort, he will try to talk u round. Fill you with lies and charm. If you chat and intend to leave, he will probably get massively angry, another huge affront to his maleness, and who knows what he might do. Leave him a letter. That is your best bet. And inform him that you have informed people/police that if you get hurt, it will be him that has done it.
Thank you all for the advice and support. I'm so happy to have found this forum. As I told my therapist on Monday, I'm aware of all that's going on and how this mans mind works. I feel stuck. Beyond afraid of being without him. I'm all alone today as he's out of town and my daughter is out for her birthday and I'm so overwhelmed with the feelings of sadness and loneliness. I'm realizing I really have no one other than him and I'm going to be so lonely without him. I don't even know how to have friends anymore. I'm just sad. I'm so in love with him. When he's good he's soooo good but when bad...we'll, you know. I need strength to move on. I've been praying for years and nothing. I know I'll get there. Posted via Mobile Device
You are a big girl. And I bet u have been through much worse than leaving a man who is bad for you. Get stuff in place to move out. Even if you don't do it, have it all there in place so you know what to do when you finally get to the end of the road. Do you work? Is there anyone you can go to until u find a place of your own? If not, find a housing agency, your means to a house, look into it and start putting in place. Please!
You are a big girl. And I bet u have been through much worse than leaving a man who is bad for you. Get stuff in place to move out. Even if you don't do it, have it all there in place so you know what to do when you finally get to the end of the road. Do you work? Is there anyone you can go to until u find a place of your own? If not, find a housing agency, your means to a house, look into it and start putting in place. Please!
HOnestly have never had to leave a man like this. It's my apartment and everything here is mine. I'm just at a very sad place. Am 37 years old and feel worthless. Taken advantage of, crazy, etc. I just want to be confident, secure and happy again. Don't want to be afraid of losing someone who I know is bad for me. I'm terrified of being alone. I'll miss him more than anything. It's very hard. Posted via Mobile Device
You can do so much better. Think of all the fun you are missing out on--all the isolating he has done, taking you away from things you enjoy, people you care about. Trampling on your self esteem--and if you let him, you won't have any left. You will never be lonelier than you are right now, in this "relationship" with him. Remember that when you are feeling weak.
Another suggestion if I may: if you do decide to leave him, don't jump into another relationship right away. Get to know yourself and love yourself again first. I really mean this: it is better to live and die an entire life alone than to be with someone so selfish.
You can do so much better. Think of all the fun you are missing out on--all the isolating he has done, taking you away from things you enjoy, people you care about. Trampling on your self esteem--and if you let him, you won't have any left. You will never be lonelier than you are right now, in this "relationship" with him. Remember that when you are feeling weak.
Another suggestion if I may: if you do decide to leave him, don't jump into another relationship right away. Get to know yourself and love yourself again first. I really mean this: it is better to live and die an entire life alone than to be with someone so selfish.
I think Of all the fun I'm missing out On but have no one to have fun with.
I'm also having a bad sleepless night. He's out of town with family for easter (about 2 1/2 hours away). I normally go with him but this time stayed back because daughters birthday and Easter tomorrow. Although my daughter went out and did her own thing today I figured I wanted to be around. Anyway, today I said maybe I'll go with you and his response wasn't what I normally would have expected. He's always more welcoming but today seemed annoyed. Just said "ok" and said " I could the help with taking care of mom so it won't be fun for you" I said it seems you're trying to deter me from going for some reason so never mind. He said he's not trying to deter but why am I changing plans last minute. That I should have Packed a bag this morning. I told him I just realized that I was going to be home alone so why not just go? But that he obviously doesn't want me to go for some reason. He said that me saying that was offensive. I said never mind. He didn't bring me up going and didn't ask. Just kissed me and left.
I did notice that he packed two pairs of underwear. Not sure why cause only one night.
Now I know he was with family because I talked to him at 11:00. He was going to hang with a good friend and said he'd call or text later. Asked if I was goin to bed. I said no but he didn't have to worry about calling and he said "no, I will" and I said ok then. Call and check in. 3:00 in the morning and nothing.
My stomach has been in knots because I'm wondering if he didn't want me to go because he had Plans of hooking up with o/w? I mean, is that possible and how affairs work? Like she would drive to where she is to see him and they stay at hotel for night?
He normally has brunch At sisters house Sunday morning and always calls so is it possible o/w would drive that bit of a ways for a few hours to then leave?
I hate that he he has little respect for sticking to what he says he's going to do when he knows I wonder and dont trust? I've asked him nicely to not disappear cause it makes me uncomfortable.
I know that it could be nothing and I'm Paranoid and maybe he got drunk and passed out but I have a knot in my stomach and I'm panicking. Can't sleep. I just feel like something bad is happening. Posted via Mobile Device
I think Of all the fun I'm missing out On but have no one to have fun with.
I'm also having a bad sleepless night. He's out of town with family for easter (about 2 1/2 hours away). I normally go with him but this time stayed back because daughters birthday and Easter tomorrow. Although my daughter went out and did her own thing today I figured I wanted to be around. Anyway, today I said maybe I'll go with you and his response wasn't what I normally would have expected. He's always more welcoming but today seemed annoyed. Just said "ok" and said " I could the help with taking care of mom so it won't be fun for you" I said it seems you're trying to deter me from going for some reason so never mind. He said he's not trying to deter but why am I changing plans last minute. That I should have Packed a bag this morning. I told him I just realized that I was going to be home alone so why not just go? But that he obviously doesn't want me to go for some reason. He said that me saying that was offensive. I said never mind. He didn't bring me up going and didn't ask. Just kissed me and left.
I did notice that he packed two pairs of underwear. Not sure why cause only one night.
Now I know he was with family because I talked to him at 11:00. He was going to hang with a good friend and said he'd call or text later. Asked if I was goin to bed. I said no but he didn't have to worry about calling and he said "no, I will" and I said ok then. Call and check in. 3:00 in the morning and nothing.
My stomach has been in knots because I'm wondering if he didn't want me to go because he had Plans of hooking up with o/w? I mean, is that possible and how affairs work? Like she would drive to where she is to see him and they stay at hotel for night?
He normally has brunch At sisters house Sunday morning and always calls so is it possible o/w would drive that bit of a ways for a few hours to then leave?
I hate that he he has little respect for sticking to what he says he's going to do when he knows I wonder and dont trust? I've asked him nicely to not disappear cause it makes me uncomfortable.
I know that it could be nothing and I'm Paranoid and maybe he got drunk and passed out but I have a knot in my stomach and I'm panicking. Can't sleep. I just feel like something bad is happening. Posted via Mobile Device
Update: I just called and spoke with him. He's out at an old friends house and they are partying. There are girls in background but I need to not assume they are o/w. I don't think he'd take her to his families, right? I'm very close with his sisters and I don't see them allowing that. I hate being this paranoid. I just want to be a normal confident girl in a normal relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
Hi everyone - I haven't heard back so thought I'd update on where I'm at:
My stomach has been in knots since yesterday morning because I didn’t hear from him yesterday until 2:00 and I normally hear from him before then. I called his sisters and she said that he was out with his nephew but when he finally texted me at 2:00 he said he was just waking up and that he was at his friends that he partied at. Why would his sister lie and cover for him? With that I'm wondering if he didn't want me to go because he had Plans of hooking up with o/w? I mean, is that possible and how affairs work? Like she would drive to where she is to see him and they stay at hotel for night?
I know that it could be nothing and I'm Paranoid and maybe he got drunk and passed out (which is what he said happened) but I have a knot in my stomach and I'm panicking.
His sister does know everything that has happened between us so maybe she wanted to protect us so we didn’t fight. I don’t know. I just hate feeling so paranoid.
P.S. I did ask him why his sister would lie and cover and he said he didn’t know but that she was obviously covering for him. I feel like I can trust no one.
P.S.S. I was crying hysterically all Sunday morning until I heard from him. Do you see how I go into major panic mode and assume the worst? It’s a horrible feeling.
I just am so parnoid and don't know how to stop. If I change and give him freedom and stop questioning and ACT confident will it change? I just don't want to walk away with him ever feeling that I was crazy.
He knows your so desperate to be with him he can do as he likes. He is not accountable to you nor does he care. Not to be rude to you but the only person on fantasy island is you. One would think that after his little "I'll knock your teeth out" comment you would have packed up and left .
Go to IC pronto I seriously think you have to regain your self respect before you humiliate yourself even more or he carries out his threat. You cannot change him , he does not want to change, why should he? Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Weird Stains..cheating with another man? 
