Before his EA I used to hear from him off and on throughout the day(text). That of course dropped off during EA. But it hasnt gone back to 'normal'. I know he's working and dont expect to hear from him hourly or even every couple of hours but today for example his lunch came and went, Nothing. Not a word. Now he knows how miserable I am while he is at his job(she works in the next office). It just seems like he could bridge the gap a bit. If I knew he was upset about my being w/someone (and I had no option) the least I would do is keep in touch. Just some attempt on his part to quell my demons while he is in the lions den seems prudent, to me.
So you took the chance and told him that it literally HURTS you that he has to work with his EA partner? Let him know you need more communication during the work day. He should be more than willing to do these things to help you heal.
Make it condition of R that he regularly checks in with you on his whereabouts
this is part of transparency and if he is truly remorseful, he would gladly do it
AR I want him to do it b/c he wants to though. Thats the problem. I can make it a 'condition' but why should I have to do that? Doesnt the BS know how to be your spouse anymore? Shouldnt he 'know' its killin me and automatically do his best to alleviate as much of it as humanly possible without my having to ask?
So you took the chance and told him that it literally HURTS you that he has to work with his EA partner? Let him know you need more communication during the work day. He should be more than willing to do these things to help you heal.
Any luck on his job searching?
YES! I told him last night. He said " I understand and I am doing my best to get out of there". But if he does understand why isnt he doing what he can right now to ease my misery. He could call as opposed to going most all day in silence.
He had an interview, he said it went well but they said they wont be moving on it for a couple more weeks so I have my fingers(and toes) crossed.
YES! I told him last night. He said " I understand and I am doing my best to get out of there". But if he does understand why isnt he doing what he can right now to ease my misery. He could call as opposed to going most all day in silence.
He had an interview, he said it went well but they said they wont be moving on it for a couple more weeks so I have my fingers(and toes) crossed.
Because you are trying to not be overemotional about it, so he isn't really registering how badly you are hurting. You need to let him see that vulnerable side and TELL HIM in no uncertain terms that you need communication from him XX amount of times during the work day. I know you are probably a little weary, and if you are anything like me you are sitting there telling yourself " He should care enough about me to KNOW". Well, that doesn't work. Say it to him. Just as you can sometimes be foggy and uncertain about what you are doing, he is probably feeling the same way. Tell him what you need.
Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Because you are trying to not be overemotional about it, so he isn't really registering how badly you are hurting. You need to let him see that vulnerable side and TELL HIM in no uncertain terms that you need communication from him XX amount of times during the work day. I know you are probably a little weary, and if you are anything like me you are sitting there telling yourself " He should care enough about me to KNOW". Well, that doesn't work. Say it to him. Just as you can sometimes be foggy and uncertain about what you are doing, he is probably feeling the same way. Tell him what you need.
I cant help but feel like Im doing the heavy lifting here. I have to give step by step instructions like he is 7! He did finally send a text and I said something to him about not hearing from him all day or even at lunch. He apologized. If Im honest here, I would say I am tired of hearing "im sorry". I just want him to DO it! At this point words are just words for me. But not calling or texting, those are actions or maybe lack of action. So saying he is sorry is fine but he's gotta act sorry.
I cant help but feel like Im doing the heavy lifting here. I have to give step by step instructions like he is 7! He did finally send a text and I said something to him about not hearing from him all day or even at lunch. He apologized. If Im honest here, I would say I am tired of hearing "im sorry". I just want him to DO it! At this point words are just words for me. But not calling or texting, those are actions or maybe lack of action. So saying he is sorry is fine but he's gotta act sorry.
I know. I felt the exact same way. Thought that he should know what to do to make me feel secure, and to a point they probably should. I had to tell my H exactly what you posted. " I am tired of hearing sorry, you need to start taking action". Sorry is great and wonderful, but if there are no actions taking place then it means nothing. Might be time to have that talk. Do you at any point feel like you have to beg him to do what you need to stay in the marriage? If you do, then he REALLY needs to step it up.
Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
Am I paranoid?
Probably. But rightfully. I am. Do you have any spyware in place?
Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
Am I paranoid?
I wouldn't say paranoid. I would say she isn't meeting the standard boundaries you placed in order to stay and consider working on reconciliation. Let her know it is unacceptable, and if she can not maintain the contact she has agreed to, then you are no longer sure if you want to consider staying together. (This is only in the event that you feel she is placing your need for security in the relationship as a non issue. If it was a one time thing, then try to be patient and realize things happen).
Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
Am I paranoid?
No, you have every right to be concerned considering everything that has happened. I know what you're thinking. She left her phone home because she was thinking you were following her via GPS and she went and saw the OM. You might even be thinking she has a disposable phone. You need to talk to her and tell her your concerns. Don't be afraid to be honest. If she is really remorseful and working on your R she will understand and work to alleviate your fears.
I wouldn't say paranoid. I would say she isn't meeting the standard boundaries you placed in order to stay and consider working on reconciliation. Let her know it is unacceptable, and if she can not maintain the contact she has agreed to, then you are no longer sure if you want to consider staying together. (This is only in the event that you feel she is placing your need for security in the relationship as a non issue. If it was a one time thing, then try to be patient and realize things happen).
She forgot her phone because of her excitement of starting a new job. Very long story but I can see her excitement. We had several long talks over the past several hours and at one point she had a long cry about the pain she has caused me and understands the phone issue. She said she always has it with her and did not today due to being so excited. She asked me if I believe her and I said no. I said if you are telling me the truth then don't worry about it. I said if you are lying to me then it will come out very soon. She listened and asked why I did not believe her. I said how many lies have you told me over the last two years? 100's or maybe 1000's. She said yes. I said, how many times did you not have your phone with you? Her - never. I said you were fuc**** Amish boy and you turned your phone off twice in Nov. and stayed out past 10:30 P.M. That was the final piece that convinced me something was going on. You never turned you phone off and our boys mentioned to me that you never do that, that there must be something going on. And you never go shopping in the evening. You never stay out that late. You never do your hair - shower at 4:00 P.M. to go shopping (as the boys reported to me that mom is acting strange - (they said, dad, mom never does her hair to go out shopping). I also said you know I can track you via your phone and that triggered big time in me today. Why would she leave her phone home?
She said she understands and said she was sorry and that there is nothing to be concerned about.
She was not argumentative nor defensive and she sounded like she was telling me the truth.
I turned the GPS off on her car and will activate it again this Friday. It is still on the car (hot wired). She does not know about the GPS. She thinks I tracked her solely via her phone.
Then I getting a VAR for her car and will install it this weekend.
Why the hell on I back in detective mode?
My gut is telling me something aint right. There are no other red flags other than this. After D-day she stated that she wanted to get a job to help make things right and so we can buy a second house. The second house should soon happen and is in process. She got a PT job at an antique place (my wife and I sell and buy antiques on the side) and then she got hired as a cosmetologist at a nursing home. Both jobs take her close to where the OM works and lives. When we move she will give up both jobs. She seems to sincerely want this house and seems sincere in making it happen. The extra money will make it easier on us and she states that she wanted to get her foot in the door at a nursing home so she can do it when we move, as there are many nursing homes in the area to which we are moving. Make sense.
Long story but yea, our spouses need to understand our mistrust better.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
No, you have every right to be concerned considering everything that has happened. I know what you're thinking. She left her phone home because she was thinking you were following her via GPS and she went and saw the OM. You might even be thinking she has a disposable phone. You need to talk to her and tell her your concerns. Don't be afraid to be honest. If she is really remorseful and working on your R she will understand and work to alleviate your fears.
Man, I search the house every weekend I am home for another phone. It sucks. If she leaves to go shopping I am tearing her closet apart. She had a burner phone before. So yes we talked at length and I was right up front with her about my distrust. She says she understands.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Am I too sensitive??? 
