For those of you who know my situation was wondering how "easy" it is to move from EA to PA?
My Hs EA has been underground for moths, completely underground. N/C with O/W outside of work almost 99% guranteed.
Now the EA has been exposed (3 weeks ago), He says he loves her, they have kissed, but not had sex. Ok i know he could be lying to me, but in all honestly up until 2 weekends ago he still spent ALL his spare time with me and the kids, despite being seperated. Anyway, im wondering, now that the EA has been exposed does it automatically mean that it is going to physical?
My H is visibly ashamed of his actions, he cant look at me, he knows what he is doing is wrong. I have been told that at work (his colleagues now know) that he walks around with his head down and hides away in his room most of the time. Bearing in mind the OW is a co worker.
I just wonder if the shame and guilt of it all might just be enough to end it? or am i just looking for hope where there is no hope?
She is married as well with 2 kids. Her H moved out 2 weeks ago when it was all exposed).
Surely this is a relationship doomed to fail?
Just so you know my H is not a cereal cheater. For 17 years he was a devoted family man and husband.
My advice to you, since he is still having an affair, is to tell him to GTFO. That you won't tolerate having a cheating spouse in your home around your children.
He's already told you he wants a divorce so give it to him. Do not waste your life.
So your WS is living apart from you. The OW's husband moved out. Yea it could go PA quick. Who is watching the henhouse and who is watching the rooster?
Yea a relationship doomed to fail because hey, she is living apart from her hubby and your hubby is living apart from you. No it is a relationship that is ready to bloom, because they can comfort each other in their misery and talk about how bad they feel about what they have done, and oh, by the way they could do it while laying in bed next to each other, naked.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
If the only way you can be sure that he has been faithful is taking his word for it, you really don't have a clue. Also, I seriously doubt that the only thing that took place was a kiss.
You are still in denial. If you want the marriage to work get your hubby back in the house. If not let him go. Right now it is critical to have full accountabilty on his as* and living apart is not good for this.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
For those of you who know my situation was wondering how "easy" it is to move from EA to PA?
My Hs EA has been underground for moths, completely underground. N/C with O/W outside of work almost 99% guranteed. Now the EA has been exposed (3 weeks ago), He says he loves her, they have kissed, but not had sex. Ok i know he could be lying to me, but in all honestly up until 2 weekends ago he still spent ALL his spare time with me and the kids, despite being seperated. Anyway, im wondering, now that the EA has been exposed does it automatically mean that it is going to physical?
My H is visibly ashamed of his actions, he cant look at me, he knows what he is doing is wrong. I have been told that at work (his colleagues now know) that he walks around with his head down and hides away in his room most of the time. Bearing in mind the OW is a co worker.
I just wonder if the shame and guilt of it all might just be enough to end it? or am i just looking for hope where there is no hope?
She is married as well with 2 kids. Her H moved out 2 weeks ago when it was all exposed).
Surely this is a relationship doomed to fail?
Just so you know my H is not a cereal cheater. For 17 years he was a devoted family man and husband.
What I don't like is how convienient it is for them to meet up now because you said her husband left her two weeks ago.
You said he spends all his spare time with you and the kids.... could he be seeing her after he leaves your family ..... being that "seperation" only makes it easier for the cheaters to cheat and play house away from home.
How do you know He is not a serial cheater? How do you know he is visably ashamed? He is ashamed but he is still having an affair with her? If he left his home and her husband left his home, it is very easy for it to become EA to PA. So when you say he spends all his SPARE time with you guys, that does not include the time he leaves there and go where he stays.
You are still in denial. If you want the marriage to work get your hubby back in the house. If not let him go. Right now it is critical to have full accountabilty on his as* and living apart is not good for this.
Exactly-
When you find out a spouse cheated, it means you have to take a step back and clear your mind from believing everything that comes out of their mouth. More than anything, they now have to prove that the words coming our of their mouth are true.
Your husband is a cheater. At this point, everything you know about him is called into question.
This could be his first affair, could be his second, or even his tenth . . . you can no longer trust the perception you've had of him for the past 17 years. He may be a devoted family man, but it doesn't mean he's been faithful.
My husband was a devoted family man too, but when I discovered his affair it was like my world tilted on it's axis. I felt like I was married to a stranger. Everything he said I doubted. Glad I did, because he claimed it was only an EA on d-day. He confessed the PA portion 12 hours later. Several days later he confessed to an affair with a different co-worker 10 years ago. I never had a clue. He confessed the first affair because he wanted to "prove" he had no more secrets. He had no reason to confess his first affair, he got away with it. It wasn't until that confession that I finally started to inch towards believing anything my H said, because the truth was so horrible I knew it had to be true.
There's no reason to believe anything your H says right now, you want to believe him, but you can't. It's taken over a year of therapy and my husband proving to me daily that he deserves the trust I give him now. But if he's at work late, he will send me pic of his computer time whenever I ask. Because I want to believe him, but he knows I'm not sure I can. He accepts this, but the trust is slowly building.
My point is, don't believe your H yet. He does not deserve your trust at this point. Does he want to earn your trust? If so, then it'll be a long haul of him earning that trust back. If not, let him go and start the long haul of living a life without him.
Either one will be difficult and painful, but you can only do the first one if he's come totally clean, wants R, and can accept that he needs to earn back your trust.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's hard to hear a BS being so trusting of their WS so soon after d-day. That's the time the WS is most likely to lie and do damage control to make the discovery as "painless" as possible. Good luck and stay well!
Thanks all.
Yes I know I am still in denial.
It's difficult to stop the feelings I have had for him for all this time and really see that I don't know this person at all because that means that my 18 year marriage has been a sham!
Saying that though Im as sure as I can be that he hasnt cheated before this. He WAS a devoted family man and always made me feel loved, but he is not the man I married and I know that now.
He is defensive and takes the slightest challenge as a criticism or as me being 'controlling'. He has become manipulative and he's seems to have a lot of resentment towards me.
Throughout this whole ordeal (10 months now) I have acted with dignity. I can hold my head up. I have always been a strong person, this has just crushed me. Apparently she is a gentle and soft person, very 'precious'. Needy and vulnerable! Something I have never been - until now!! How ironic!
I know he's a liar and a cheat.
I really am done! Posted via Mobile Device
My advice to you, since he is still having an affair, is to tell him to GTFO. That you won't tolerate having a cheating spouse in your home around your children.
He's already told you he wants a divorce so give it to him. Do not waste your life.
Hey JB yes you were right all along!
I asked him if he wanted a divorce twice and he said no!
Maybe he just wants me to do it!
Funny that!
Because that wld be me taking control again!! Something he has said he is done with! Posted via Mobile Device
For some reason I still blame myself for all of this! I have such deep seated regret about so much. When I stand my ground I always back down and feel like I have to apologise to him. This is something I really need help with.
X Posted via Mobile Device
Like someone posted in the past. 50% of the marriage problems prio to an A are shared. Infidelity 100% him.
The cheating was not your fault.
Stop apologizing. Stop it.
You feel this way out of hurt, pain and a false sense that you were somehow fully or partly to blame. Stop it please. You did not make him do it. I wanted to apologize to my WS but did not. During the worse of it I stopped myself short and said, WTF, why do I feel this need to apologize, what the hel* did I do? I did nothing to make her cheat and YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE HIM CHEAT.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Like someone posted in the past. 50% of the marriage problems prio to an A are shared. Infidelity 100% him.
The cheating was not your fault.
Stop apologizing. Stop it.
You feel this way out of hurt, pain and a false sense that you were somehow fully or partly to blame. Stop it please. You did not make him do it. I wanted to apologize to my WS but did not. During the worse of it I stopped myself short and said, WTF, why do I feel this need to apologize, what the hel* did I do? I did nothing to make her cheat and YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE HIM CHEAT.
So stop apologizing.
I cannot agree enough. You are in no way responsible for his affair. It's all him. 100%
As to your original question...have you ever sneezed? That's how quick an EA can become a PA. I'm not exaggerating. And btw kissing IS a PA. As long as he is in any type of affair do not even consider reconciliation. In fact, until he ends his affair you should be going dark. No contact unless it is absolutely necessary.
I cannot agree enough. You are in no way responsible for his affair. It's all him. 100%
As to your original question...have you ever sneezed? That's how quick an EA can become a PA. I'm not exaggerating. And btw kissing IS a PA. As long as he is in any type of affair do not even consider reconciliation. In fact, until he ends his affair you should be going dark. No contact unless it is absolutely necessary.
This is a genuine question Beowulf and I respect your opinion.
Why do I need to go dark?
I have resigned myself to the fact that out marriage is over (ok I Stiill have a tiny bit of hope) so why do I need to go dark?
Is it to make him realise what he is missing or to protect myself?
At the moment my instincts tell me it's ok to be in contact and be 'friends' so this is as easier on me and the kids as possible.
Have I just lost the plot completely or what?
I just dont know anymore!! Posted via Mobile Device
Like someone posted in the past. 50% of the marriage problems prio to an A are shared. Infidelity 100% him.
The cheating was not your fault.
Stop apologizing. Stop it.
You feel this way out of hurt, pain and a false sense that you were somehow fully or partly to blame. Stop it please. You did not make him do it. I wanted to apologize to my WS but did not. During the worse of it I stopped myself short and said, WTF, why do I feel this need to apologize, what the hel* did I do? I did nothing to make her cheat and YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE HIM CHEAT.
So stop apologizing.
Yes I will
I have been told!
Thankyou : - ) Posted via Mobile Device
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Moving from EA to PA? 
