Do affair details hurt or help?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Do affair details hurt or help?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-16-2012, 05:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Do affair details hurt or help?

If one partner has a physical affair, should they divulge all the dirty details to their spouse even if the spouse wants to know? I realize that mind movies will drive someone crazy, but knowing the down and dirty details and KNOW they are true and not a figment of the imagination seems like that would injure the spouse even more.

Any thoughts?
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Old 03-16-2012, 06:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

IMO, the BS should never ask for the full details. Mind games are one thing but knowing everything that happened would kill any hopes of R. Knowing how many times, where, what they did is fine. But asking how you did it, how was the other person, what did he/she do to you, what did you do to her/him is asking for ending the marriage.

But if you need it then you should get it.

If my wife knew everything from my 3 month affair there is no way in hell she would have taken me back. And most of you would string me up and lynch me on the spot.

She knew it was an EA/PA but she never wanted every single detail of what I did.
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Old 03-16-2012, 08:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

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Originally Posted by Chelle D View Post
Details hurt.

Details hurt for the one that has to tell them too.
Price of truth and repair. Facing it.
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Old 03-16-2012, 09:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

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Do not even try to spare a betrayed spouse any details they ask for. If a cheater tries to do that all they do is increase the offense.
This is absolutely correct.

If you try to minimize or omit details you won't have a chance at rebuilding the trust that was vaporized by the affair.

Really the wayward that wants to hides details and says it's about protecting the other person doesn't care at all about protecting the other person.

It's all about protecting themselves.
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Old 03-16-2012, 11:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

The cheater already betrayed the marriage by cheating. The least they can do for the BS is to openly and honestly answer any question asked.

The problem is cheaters are by their very nature selfish cowards and liars so answering questions honestly goes agsinst their values
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Old 03-16-2012, 11:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

Depends on the person. Sometimes the mind movies are too much and they need the missing piece in their mind filled so they don't go insane. Some others rather not put a mental image of their wife or husband with someone else.
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Old 03-16-2012, 11:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

I felt completely entitled to every detail every time I discovered what of my ex's "offenses." It was actually when I was still invested in the marriage that I needed to know the details.

It was the last time that I never even cared to know. He had finally crossed my line in the sand one too many times by that point. I still don't know most of the details of the last time...the perv can keep them.

Ultimately, if you cheat on someone, and they ask for the details...who the heck are you to tell them no? It is the very least they deserve if that's what they need...so spill. If it ends the relationship, too bad for the cheater. It may just help the marriage heal though. It depends on the personalities involved. That's the cheater's problem either way.

You owe your spouse all the truth they ask for.
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Old 03-16-2012, 11:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

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I felt completely entitled to every detail every time I discovered what of my ex's "offenses." It was actually when I was still invested in the marriage that I needed to know the details.

It was the last time that I never even cared to know. He had finally crossed my line in the sand one too many times by that point. I still don't know most of the details of the last time...the perv can keep them.

Ultimately, if you cheat on someone, and they ask for the details...who the heck are you to tell them no? It is the very least they deserve if that's what they need...so spill. If it ends the relationship, too bad for the cheater. It may just help the marriage heal though. It depends on the personalities involved. That's the cheater's problem either way.

You owe your spouse all the truth they ask for.

As I have posted before I did not want the OW to have any secrets from me. She stole from me, she is a thief. I have a right to know everything there is to know about this unscrupulous predator.
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

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IMO, the BS should never ask for the full details. Mind games are one thing but knowing everything that happened would kill any hopes of R. Knowing how many times, where, what they did is fine. But asking how you did it, how was the other person, what did he/she do to you, what did you do to her/him is asking for ending the marriage.

But if you need it then you should get it.

If my wife knew everything from my 3 month affair there is no way in hell she would have taken me back. And most of you would string me up and lynch me on the spot.

She knew it was an EA/PA but she never wanted every single detail of what I did.
I respectfully disagree with you on this. I needed to know all the details. I couldn't see myself driving by a hotel wondering if my wife and her AP had gone there. I couldn't handle it if we went to a restaurant and I saw a look in my wife's eyes that she had been there before with him. It would have been an endless series of new triggers for me and I never would have been able to move forward.

To the op,

Give details as requested. The BS has the right to know as much or as little as they need. How can a marriage survive if it is built on dishonesty and secrets?
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

Her details helped me. It let me know that there was no point in wasting another minute married to her.
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:54 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

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Originally Posted by endlessgrief View Post
If one partner has a physical affair, should they divulge all the dirty details to their spouse even if the spouse wants to know? I realize that mind movies will drive someone crazy, but knowing the down and dirty details and KNOW they are true and not a figment of the imagination seems like that would injure the spouse even more.

Any thoughts?
It depends on each specific spouse. It isn't divulging the details of the A that will end the marriage, its having the A in the first place that ends marriages. If the spouse wants to know, tell them. If they want a broad overview, give it.
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do affair details hurt or help?

In my case I wanted to know exactly what I was forgiving my fWW for. My imagination was running wild and I needed to know all the details. I mean I have watched enough porno to know what happens, but I wanted a clear understanding of what kind of women I was now dealing with.

My case is a little different, it was more about what the OM wasn't doing to my W .......I mean I can be alittle rough...well alot rough. I guess my point is if the individual as a betrayed, is strong enough they can learn from these painful details.

Make no mistake think carefully, these details will screw you up if you cant manage them.

Its my ego that gives me the strength to hear the details. I just know I'm better then any of those POS OM. I don't sleep with married women and I can give "it" when she just needs to get "it".

But it has come to my attention that its not always about a good hard f0cking, but a kind of romance. This infidelity crap is all a learning process.

Just becareful for what you ask for!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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