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Asked to see phone and he said trust him...

16K views 124 replies 40 participants last post by  BeenThereAndSuffering 
#1 ·
My H had a EA w/ kissing so I guess that would be a PA, anyways, something told me he was still talking to her so I asked to see his cell phone to ease my mind and he said that I needed to learn to forgive and trust him and wouldn't let me see the phone...well when he went to bed he put his phone on charge and hid it under the sofa, I went through it and all texts had been deleted and also the call logs...as we have prepaid phones there is no way for me to see the deleted logs, I need help on what to do as things had been slowly getting better...do I really need to trust him and this is what he is trying to tell me or is he really hiding the fact that he has broken no contact...
 
#4 ·
There is no reason for you to trust him. Deleting the phone logs is, IMHO, the same as finding texts between them. Hiding the phone is even more proof of guilt. There is only one reason to hide something... it's because he has something to hide.

You do not need for forget and trust. He needs to bend over backwards to prove to you that he is trust worthy.
 
#5 ·
Sadly I must agree with Lifestyle.

There are only two possibilities here.

1) He has broken NC and is hiding the fact that they went further underground.

2) He's trying to play some game with you in order to force you to trust him.

If its #1 then that obviously speaks for itself.

If its #2 then he is being extremely disrespectful toward you and your feelings. That does not indicate true remorse and a willingness to continue rebuilding your relationship.

Either way you are not wrong for being suspicious. Trust your gut.
 
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#7 ·
K. I'm a guy.. try to give my best advise here.... I'm not sure I understood your post. but gotta say I think I agree with the eligirl on this one.....If he's not handing over the goods...ther is a reason..... on the other hand... it takes distrust to ask for the goods..... sorry for my lack of advise...... but i do tend to side with the one who realizes ther is an issue.... good luck!!!!
 
#9 ·
When he was having EA he had her listed as his dad so when i checked his phone of course i wasnt interested in what him and his dad was talking about...I think I will go through his contacts and see if he is hiding her number and change her name to I WANT A DIVORCE so when she calls or texts he will see it as I WANT A DIVORCE and know that I know...is that a good idea?
 
#13 ·
I love the idea of changing the name in his phone!! Wish I had thought of that. Also if he is not handing the phone right over....as he should now since what happened before....you know there is something on there he doesn't want you to see. Don't be in denial. It will make you want to kick yourself later....take it from someone who has been there.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums
 
#15 ·
My Husband had a texting habit with multiple women. He still says it wasn't an EA with any of them (but the conversations weren't just friendly hi how are you. It was him discussing our problems looking for comfort etc never got sexual though) during this time he got really possessive over his phone I got the 20 question interrogation if I was within 2 feet of his phone. Now if he so much as gives me a weird look as i walk by his phone oh I'm going threw it and lord help him if I find something or he deleted anything (I still check the phone bill so i know if he texts them since he works with a couple of them) So no texts in the phone but the number is on the bill spells trouble for him.
 
#18 ·
The only reason to delete the text messages and call log and the only reason to hide the phone is because he's been up to something he wants to hide from you. You don't need to actuallly read the texts and you don't need an itemized bill. The fact that he hides his phone, refuses to show you his phone activity, and erases this information ought to tell you all you need to know.
People who act in a sneaky way have forfeited the expectation of trust.
 
#20 ·
Unfortunately I think its pretty clear that he is still talking to her. He is giving you that line about needing to trust him to throw you off the track. If he is hiding his phone and deleting messages he's still in contact with her. He's not giving you much reason to trust him but a whole lot of ammunition to think he's a liar.
 
#23 ·
@Know Buddy....lol.......
@CHapparal..I know because there were no texts in his inbox or outbox and no incoming or outgoing calls in his call log.

On another note..before their affair became I guess a PA because they were kissing and hugging, they were friends and I knew about it and was comfortable because there seemed to be no attraction, but when she started having probs at home and we started having probs in our home then they went to each other...I must add that the OW man committed suicide.. due to the affair? maybe, he took his life 2 days after one of their co-workers let the cat out of the bag, he admitted to me last night that no contact has been broken one time he said and that it was her texting him to let him know she was coming back to town (her spouse was from other state so family had funeral and burial in home state), I asked him why she would need to tell him this and he said he thought it was so he would know she was ok with everything..he says that he loves me and I need to trust him no matter how hard it is, says he will continue to talk to her at work since they have to work together and that nothing more than friends will ever come of it again, I asked how he could ask so much of me since they have already proven they couldnt be just friends and he said because he knows what he wants and its me and the kids and he wants our marriage to work and that he is not going to allow anyone to come between that again and he feels that with her history (drugs, etc) she may try to hurt herself and he couldn't live with hisself knowing he was the reason that she did it or that her husband did it and that he needs to be there for her til things calm down a bit.....I told him that it was a problem that he was putting her needs before mine and our family and he said no that being her friend was protecting us because if he had to live with more regret he wouldn't be worth anything to us anymore because he would be mentally and emotionally screwed up....any help on this please...
 
#24 ·
He's making excuses to stay in contact with her. They haven't gone NC at all. They just cooled things off for a while. My opinion is you need to start playing hardball with him. Don't accept his excuses or explanations. Demand openness and honesty at all times.

My wife was the one that had an affair 20 years ago. We are still open with each other. I have access to her Facebook page, email, cell phone etc. She has access to all of mine as well. And I didn't have the affair. She has done nothing wrong in 20 years. We are going to restate our vows this year on our 30th anniversary. I still check her phone and Facebook. She checks mine. There is no privacy in a marriage. When you marry two become one. That's it. No games. If your husband can't understand this then you have to make him understand it. I don't feel anything negative when my wife checks my cell phone. Why should your husband feel threatened if you do?
 
#25 ·
You are letting him manipulate you. You are engaging in wishful thinking. He has worn you down emotionally and it is easier to believe him and not fight than to call him out on his obvious lies.

I read your other posts. He had sex with her. He is still in contact with her. ALL OF HIS WORDS ARE LIES. BELIEVE ONLY HIS ACTIONS. What is the difference right now between the actions he is taking to show you he has ceased contact and the actions a cheater would take to hide continued contact? None.

He should be trying to prove to you he's not had contact, not doing things to "test" whether or not you trust him (phone under couch).

Why would they limit their physical contact to just kissing and hugging when they had ample time and privacy to take it further? Answer: They wouldn't. His story doesn't make any sense. His actions don't make any sense. Well, they make sense for someone who is cheating, remaining in contact, and lying about it, but not for what he is telling you.

Tell him you will file for divorce unless he meets your conditions, which are: full disclosure of the details of the affair, transparency (access to devices, passwords), and remorse. It's time to get off your prepaid phone plan and get a plan where you can track him.

I don't know what you're going to do about him working with her, but accepting the status quo is a recipe for continued contact and affair.
 
#27 ·
I am just a wreck right now, I really am...I do not want to give up on my marriage, but he is starting to make it hard, he says that if we can't trust each other we don't need to be together, but the trust takes time to rebuild, am I right? Told me that I am going to have to get over it and move on because now he is tired of me bringing it up everyday, that I have to just trust him, says he has to have his me time without me butting in worrying who he is talking to and where he has been... just trust him.........aaahhhhhhh...I want to scream.......
 
#28 ·
It does take time to rebuild. Sometimes a long time, varies from person to person.

Just trust him my arse he doesn't seem to be doing anything to rebuild the trust bridge he blew up with his EA/PA. He does seem to be tossing more grenades at it to prevent new construction though. He needs to be an open book for you and allow an all access Pass to whatever YOU deem necessary to rebuild your trusted relationship with him. If he isn't willing to do this tell him a divorce is on the way. You cannot stay in a marriage like this always wondering, it will eat you alive.
 
#30 ·
I think she sees it that now he is out of the way she can be with my husband, she manipulated that man so bad...and now she has her meaty hooks in my husband and has him torn between her or me...it hurts....I really wished he would quit his job or find another but when I mentioned it earlier he just ignored me I think, if he wasn't around her so much I think the contact would decrease then dissipitate...I dunno how do you talk to someone like him and make him understand without pushing him further toward her and/or making him more upset?
 
#32 ·
How do you deal with this? It is hard.

You suspect and he wants you to trust. He does not want to go NC with her. She has a history...that worries you.

I suggest you to now act as if things are normal. But continue to be vigilant.

Someone earlier here asked, how do you know that he has been deleting texts and call history?

As I said earlier, you did not know if the A was a PA. Do some investigative work. Then confront.

I think he is choosing her over you....But you need to confirm. Stay vigilant.
 
#31 ·
Your husband is a grown individual who has a wife at home, she hasn't manipulated anyone. He went into this willingly and is choosing to prioritize her over you. The fact your husband would even consider being with a woman who's infidelity lead to the suicide of her ex is scary to say the least.

He's starting to use reverse psychology with all the "we shouldn't be together if you can't trust me" talk. He's not even fighting for you. A person in his position would go above and beyond to show you his remorse but ironically it seems as if he's made you the one desperately clinging to keep him.
 
#52 · (Edited)
You already know the truth and you already have the proof.

All you need is the courage to have him served and the strength to demand your boundaries be met if he decides to get in line.

He's lying, manipulating, & bull****ting you and you know it
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#34 ·
There are many threads here about finding out the affair. Take time to go through.

Easiest is to hire a PI, I dont know if you could afford. Of course there are many other ways to do. Like monitoring his cell phone, VARs.

Stopping the affair? He has to get the shock of threat of D after you collect the evidences and confront him.

Are you very dependent of him?
 
#35 ·
I will admit I am very dependent of him and have been pulling myself out of that habit...I can't monitor his cellphone because we are on a prepaid plan and he deletes all his texts and call logs...says to trust him..I thought about a PI but not sure if I could afford one but its worth looking into..I will check the other threads for more ideas since I am not getting any sleep tonight just to many emotions and thoughts flooding the brain right now... : (
 
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