I would first like to thank everyone in the forum for any kind of help they could give me. I am desperate to save my marriage. We have been married 10 years and have three children. About five years ago I suspected my wife was having an affair. I found a lot of emails that she was writing back and forth with a guy in the military. These emails did not say anything specific or graphic but led me to believe they were sexually involved. I confronted her and she said that nothing has happened between them. From that point on I had the gut feeling that she was lying.
Now I will fast forward to February 2008. To make a long story short I did some hacking on her email and Yahoo messenger to find out that she had sex with the military guy and possibly someone else. She had sent him (Sherman) and email in 2006 saying that she regretted having sex with him. I showed her this email and her reply was I'm sorry it only happened once(which I knew was a lie). She hadn't had sex with him for at least 2-3 years but she would still talk, text, chat and email him. I told her that I wanted to keep the family together but I wanted her to break it off with him. She said she could understand that. I checked her phone some months ago and found she was still texting him and then just two days ago she text him again. She said she needed some answers about the military because her sister's soon to be ex is in the military. She claims she is not making plans to meet him or have sex, which may be true but I get so furious when I see that she is talking to him. Should I confront him and what all do I say? Am I wrong for demanding that she should have any contact with him? How do I convince her she is wrong?
You have no control over the OM. You do have some control over the situation with your wife. Does she work or is she a SAHM? I ask this because you need to take her off any joint bank accounts and cancel any joint credit cards. Have her open her own account, and give her a budget. Pay the bills yourself, its easy with on line bill pay. When she asks "why did you close our account?". Just tell her that since I can't trust you with my heart, until further notice I won't be trusting you with my money". She is a serial cheater. You need to call her that.
You need to get up in her grill and tell her, that since her marriage and family doesn't seem to matter, and since your trust means nothing to her. That you are going to file for legal separation. That you are going to set up marriage counseling and that based upon her ability to convince you that she wants this marriage you will decide whether to reconcile or file for divorce. Tell her that you forgave her once. And she betrayed you again. This time things will be different. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE SERIOUS. If you don't plan on towing the line and you can live the next 30 to 40 years worrying about who she is trying to screw, don't bother. But if you want a loving committed marriage you have to set boundaries. If you don't she won't respect or love you. The time for hollow threats is at an end. So its up to you to decide.
Do not worry about the children, and do not let her use them to blackmail you. They don't have to know anything about this. Tell her that if you can't trust her. You can't love her. And that would not be a good example of marriage for them anyway. Tell her they will model their marriages after yours and that if one of you in this marriage is an unrepentant adulterer (that's what she is), it would be far worse for them then an amicable divorce. If she is not a mascara and snot running mess by the end of this, it will give you a good indication as to whether your marriage is worth working on.
So you can be Mr. Needy and chase her, and negotiate with her while she continues to cuckold you with other men. Or you can man up and fight for your marriage. You can read through past threads on this and other infidelity sites and see how successful the Mr. Needy approach is. I think you will be able to more then prove the fact that you cannot "love them back" into being faithful. Cheaters use that as license to "eat cake" You have to NOT listen to your "feelings" and do what is right. Its up to you.
Or you can go on line to a polygraph provider in your area. Run the information. Set up an appointment. When you tell her. Say " I want to put this behind us. You should jump at that chance to ease my mind and restore my trust in you." If she doesn't say yes to the polygraph test, you pretty much know what she was arranging something. The other thing is you can clear up any questions on whether she cheated with other people as well. I would wager that there is a good chance that she will spill the beans to avoid having to disclose other infidelities. If you did this. You could then decide if you want to go with my first suggestions.
Remember every betrayed spouse THINKS they know their mate better then anyone. Read the threads here and find out the truth about that.
To answer your question she does work. I make a lot more than she does and she would have a hard time without me. At this point I'm not so worried about her going out having sex, but I hate being so disrespected. I'm close with her moms and pops, so I talked to them. Her Moms told her to start doing right. The stupid thing about in her mind as long as she aint screwing anybody she aint doing nothing wrong. That's what I have got to change or I will have to file for divorce. I could not respect myself know I allow her to talk to the OM. Thanks for the advice you had a lot of truth in what you said and I have been thinking on exactly what to say and do based on your advice. Thank you.
With her history you know what she is capable of. She will lie right to your face. The separate accounts will shake her at the base of her security. Your most important need from her (like 90% of men) is respect. She disrespected you. Her most important need (like 90% of women) is security. She hit you on your need. Now to make her understand just what you are going through. You hit her where her security is (the bank accounts and the credit cards). You have your account, and she has hers. You can even use it as a bargaining chip to get her to take the polygraph. If you make her access to your money based upon her taking a lie detector test, you can really find out just how serious things are. If she refuses to take it you can bet it has to be pretty darn serious. Run the info of the internet. Schedule the test (or even make her think you have). She will spill her guts to avoid taking it.
REMEMBER YOU ARE A PRIZE THAT MUST BE EARNED AND WON WITH ACTIONS NOT WORDS. She is the cheater. Rock her world.
Your wife does not respect you or your children. I do agree with the separate accounts. I would also suggest you go see an attorney in the event things do not work out, protect yourself and your rights to your children. It will make for a more amicable parting if necessary. To save your marriage you need to communicate with her. Tell her that you know she is lying and unless there is trust there is no reason to continue the relatioship. While that it would hurt you to end it, it is not a possibility to continue if she will not be honest. This means zero contact with this man. Even if she is no longer having sex with him, the fact that she did and carries on communication is wrong. Its hurting you and your marriage. Go to marriage counseling. If she can't agree to this, then you need to move on. You deserve better, and frankly so do your kids. They deserve parents who are happy, not miserable and staying together for their sake. Kids learn what marriage should be like form their parents. Don't let her disrespect you.
Being the one that was cheated on an in the process of healing, my H didn't get a reality check until I told him "get out" and meant it. He walked all over me for 6 months, but I had a threshold and he crossed it. He knew I was dead serious, I was getting primary custody of my kids, keeping my house, and I would be just fine without him. This was a different wife than the one he was used to.
When we reconciled and we could openly talk about things I asked him if the reason he cheated was because he knew I'd take him back. He admitted that was true. He said it would have impacted his decision had he known I wouldn't. He also said he realized how badly he screwed up his life when I finally kicked him out, and only then did he think "what am I doing". He wasn't in love with the OW. In fact now he can't figure out why he was attracted in the first place. So that reality kick changed things and without it, I think he'd still be doing it...
She still wants stay in contact with him
