I'm not sure how to handle a situation. My wife of 15 years seems to feel the need to contact an ex-boyfriend of hers. He broke up with her 2 years before she and I started dating. She says that it is her only regret in her life that she let the friendship go dead.
At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together. She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again.
Four years ago, I had some very difficult times, and she stayed with me. She has told me since that if she wanted to leave me, she surely would have back then when things were *terrible*. Now things are good and this comes up.
One relevant fact is that she has felt a strong need to reconnect with old friends in general. She has felt disconnected from them, and has wanted to feel more connection with friends.
I'd like to be able to grant her request to reconnect with the ex-boyfriend, but a big part of me is scared to death.
Why does she want to contact him? What are her motives?
She's kind of a betch. Who does this? "Remember that guy I screwed when we were together and you said to never see him again? Well I want to see him again."
Actually, tell her to go. And take all her crap with her. Unreal.
If the roles were reversed she would never accept it. She slept with him last time and she will do it again and you know this. She is totally disrespecting your relationship and marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? This is an absolutely NO!
sorry to be blunt...but man up and get some balls. This is an EX...not a friend of the family..not a long lost cousin..AN EX.
There is no room in a marriage for friendships with an EX unless that ex is a friend of the other spouse also..and in a stable marriage/relationship...and knows and respects boundries.
even in THAT situation ..i would not want it in my marriage however my best friend and her husband are very good friends with his ex wife and her husband. They co parent their ADULT kids very well..get along well at family functions..BUT hubby NEVER meets exwife ALONE..EVER. It is ALWAYS a group affair.
you are treading in dangerous territory if you do not put your foot down my friend.
Lynn
Simply tell her you don't feel comfortable with it and that it's a boundary that you feel she couldn't cross. Don't freak out or anything, but clearly say that you are uncomfortable and that she shouldn't do it.
That way, if she does go it anyway, your position has been strongly stated. No mindreading.
Contact with a former BF and sexual partner is never a good thing for a marriage.
Plus the fact that HE broke up with HER. She has not gotten over being dumped. It may start out innocent but if he shows any interest at all, it could get out of hand in a hurry.
Not long ago a wife came here talking about how she had been contacted by an EX BF with a request to meet for lunch and "catch up". Her husband said "NO" she did it anyway and within 3 weeks she was having sex with the EX BF.
If she wants to reconnect with some of her old GFs - OK. But EX BFs are definitely off limits.
Also, you should do some snooping on her e-mails, Facebook page and cell phone texts to see if she has been in contact with him.
Remember nothing comes from out of the blue like this. She just did not wake up one morning and say to herself "Self, I feel like calling my old lover that I cheated on my husband with."
My hunch is that she has been in touch with him for a while now, that there has been a lengthy stream of e-mails and phone calls back and forth between them, and that they have been planning to hook back up for a while now. She is just asking you permission to go have a tryst with him
Your wife is a piece of work.
Buy a voice activated digital recorder and affix it to the underside of her car seat to listen to her phone calls. Many a wayward has been caught that way. Maybe install a keylogger on her computer to see what she is typing and to whom. Posted via Mobile Device
She wants to contact an old BF? I would put my foot down and say no, because the conversations between them will start out like: "Hey, how's it going?", or "What's so-and-so been up to?"
But soon, it may morph into:
Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How sometimes she feels that you're just "not there" for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's so nice to have someone just LISTEN again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How you could NEVER give her what she truly wants and needs
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen in love with a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's been secretly meeting with divorce lawywers
How they're going to live happily ever after...
Unbelievable. She just told you that she wants to have an affair right to your face! This is by far crossing the line!
Your wife needs to focus only on YOU!
If my husband made this type of request I'd leave him in an instant! This is very unfair to you and your wife has no respect. She should of dissolved her feelings before marrying you.
I can't imagine what you are feeling. I'd be so numb.
I'd like to be able to grant her request to reconnect with the ex-boyfriend, but a big part of me is scared to death.
Advice?
You WANT her to be able to reconnect with her ex boyfriend?
Oh let me guess.....you don't want to appear jealous and controlling.
Face it, she already HAS reconnected with him and you just dont know about it. Why else would this come out of the blue? If you can't c0ckblock this OM and protect your marriage, then you will suffer the consequences, like her abandoning you for the true love of her life. You've always been the second choice.
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Wife Wants to Contact Ex-Boyfriend 
