Please take my replies in the right context. I do care, a great deal.
I see being gentle is cruel. I bet your husband rationalizes his trickle truth as being gentle with your feelings.
If your anything like me, the truth is something you can deal with. you've probably had enough lies and deceit in your world to last a lifetime.
I only want to help.
I appreciate your candor. And you are right I have had enough lies and deceit for a lifetime. I have lost people to death and its nowhere near as painful as this has been.
I have no idea how you people are dealing with infidelities, you must love a person very much to forgive such a things and be ready for a next one. I don't think it is a one time deal, if they did it, they will so again. My friend is cheating on his "dream marriage" girl, disappointing at first, but long-distance relationship could be a somewhat excuse.
Forget what she liked. Get on top and reclaim the territory. My WS told me she got on top once with the OM (yea right). At the beginning of R when ever she did this I had to tell her to stop. For some reason this was something new, in that my WS wanted to do this right away (get on top). Maybe TMI, but in the past it was something we did along the way, but now it has started out as her primary first move. Still makes me question it and starts some mind movies but I am trying to get over it.
Don't know if this helps you but I do not want to live the rest of my life making my decisions on what they did or did not do. I am dealing with enough stuff that I am avoiding due to they did this or that and I had to suck up some things. They had sex in my car. I wanted to burn it. But I got over it by calling it the **** mobile and I will get rid of it sometime this year. Heck the dude made my wife moan so what do I do there?
It sucks but try to work through it the best you can.
I did the same thing. The only way I could deal with the mind movies and whatnot was to know it all and steamroll over them. Whatever they did we did together and I made sure it was over the top (no pun intended).
I appreciate your candor. And you are right I have had enough lies and deceit for a lifetime. I have lost people to death and its nowhere near as painful as this has been.
You're right. I remember on D-Day thinking I wish I could die.
You're right. I remember on D-Day thinking I wish I could die.
yep, Had that wish just this morning.Took me til 4:30 am to get to sleep alarm went off at 6:30. Sleep is the only peace there is. The minute I opened my eyes it hit me like a freight train. My first thought this morning was "please just shoot me"
yep, Had that wish just this morning.Took me til 4:30 am to get to sleep alarm went off at 6:30. Sleep is the only peace there is. The minute I opened my eyes it hit me like a freight train. My first thought this morning was "please just shoot me"
The last two nights I dreamt about their A. One was more explicit in nature. Brutal feeling...
You're right. I remember on D-Day thinking I wish I could die.
Same here. The first day I only lived 15 minutes at a time so the kids didn't have to come home to a dead mom....so I'd delay 15 minutes and say I'd think about it again in 15 more minutes...then 15 more. The first three days I stayed up 24 hours a day and cried. By day three, my eyes were swollen shut and my face looked like I was stung by a bee and very allergic.
NOT my finest hours.
****
Canttrustu~
I want to ask you something in all honesty. How would knowing or not knowing any details change anything? If you are aware now that he was unfaithful to you, and you are aware now that he has NO INTENTION of ending his affair, and you are aware now that he has lied to you about the length of the affair and the ...intensity shall we say--how would you or your life change if you knew details?
Would knowing details save your marriage? Or make him want to come back to the marriage?
Would knowing details make you feel better? Or make you feel smarter, funnier, or more desirable?
Considering he has lied to you over and over and over again for a year or more, if you did ask him, is it likely that he would now revert to the honest man he once was and tell you the truth? OR would he likely lie some more and put you through more torture...as he has already done?
Would you divorce him if it was oral sex but not if it was masturbation? Or would you divorce him if they kissed but not if they held hands?
Is the infidelity less unfaithful if his genitalia didn't touch her genitalia? Or is adultery ... adultery?
The reason I ask these questions is not to decide for you if you should or should not get details. Everyone is different--some need lots of details...some need some details but not all... and some need very few details. But the fact remains that he has committed adultery, intends to continue to commit adultery, and also very clearly does not intend to bring you any kind of relief by telling you everything that has happened. I would personally suggest that rather than torturing yourself, that you look at these facts and decide to act accordingly. Then if he ever DOES decide to stop committing adultery and offer you relief by telling you the whole truth--he can do the heavy lifting and repair the damage he's done.
Same here. The first day I only lived 15 minutes at a time so the kids didn't have to come home to a dead mom....so I'd delay 15 minutes and say I'd think about it again in 15 more minutes...then 15 more. The first three days I stayed up 24 hours a day and cried. By day three, my eyes were swollen shut and my face looked like I was stung by a bee and very allergic.
NOT my finest hours.
****
Canttrustu~
I want to ask you something in all honesty. How would knowing or not knowing any details change anything? If you are aware now that he was unfaithful to you, and you are aware now that he has NO INTENTION of ending his affair, and you are aware now that he has lied to you about the length of the affair and the ...intensity shall we say--how would you or your life change if you knew details?
Would knowing details save your marriage? Or make him want to come back to the marriage?
Would knowing details make you feel better? Or make you feel smarter, funnier, or more desirable?
Considering he has lied to you over and over and over again for a year or more, if you did ask him, is it likely that he would now revert to the honest man he once was and tell you the truth? OR would he likely lie some more and put you through more torture...as he has already done?
Would you divorce him if it was oral sex but not if it was masturbation? Or would you divorce him if they kissed but not if they held hands?
Is the infidelity less unfaithful if his genitalia didn't touch her genitalia? Or is adultery ... adultery?
The reason I ask these questions is not to decide for you if you should or should not get details. Everyone is different--some need lots of details...some need some details but not all... and some need very few details. But the fact remains that he has committed adultery, intends to continue to commit adultery, and also very clearly does not intend to bring you any kind of relief by telling you everything that has happened. I would personally suggest that rather than torturing yourself, that you look at these facts and decide to act accordingly. Then if he ever DOES decide to stop committing adultery and offer you relief by telling you the whole truth--he can do the heavy lifting and repair the damage he's done.
AC, Thanks for your input. I think you have a few facts wrong though. To my knowledge(I have spyware on his phone, he has given full access to his email accts, gps and VAR in the car) he is no longer involved with her. Yes he does still have to work with her but he has recently taken an emergency leave and been granted permission to work from home from this boss(not the OW but her boss) for at least the next 4 weeks. He is in IC as of Monday and came clean with our adult children. Now with that said, he still has alot of work to do and I mean alot. But I do not believe anything is happening between them now(I have that pretty much verified thru a third party as well).
Yes I do think he is downplaying the intensity of it. I am hoping he will learn in IC how to get his head around it and move forward. I have access to the emails between the two of them, I have read them. They are ridiculously flirtatious. No doubt over the line. Nothing that to me is acceptable from my husband to OW. There was no discussion of PA(in email anyway). He does NOT get the full blow of this for sure. But I do think he is only holding back b/c he fears telling me hurtful things. When I do confront him on an issue or have pointed questions he does answer(and it is sometimes not what I wanna hear) but he does it.
I am not in anyway saying he is in the clear here. Couldnt be further from true. But I dont see any evidence of continued involvement(and I am looking).
Also he is looking really hard for a new job. One in the pipeline. Hoping to hear next week or the week after. So withANY luck he wont have to go back and sit next to her and I wont lose my mind more than I already have.
I know where youre comin from pit. I wouldnt either but I do know someone they work with and she pretty much verifies my husbands story. Believe me when I say my head is not up my a$$ and my eyes are wide open here. I have eyes on him at work and if he leaves that building w/her I will know.
update: he is on leave(as in he works from home ) for the next 4 weeks then it will be revisited as to when he needs to go back. He is looking HARD for a different job.
I was the primary person who cheated on my husband, but after we were in the midst of seperating he was seeing someone else. So, I don't know if I'd technically call that cheating but it definitely felt that way.
Anyhow, I was just like you...I wanted to know everything. The details, why he was attracted to her, etc.
I will say that some of the answers soothed me. I always thought, "well he must have thought she was so hot and couldn't resist her" but in reality he told me she was someone to talk to about all the issues he and I were having (the affair basically). It wasn't even physical until a looong while after getting to know each other, etc. So, that answer definitely helped.
BUT...overall, I'm just going to suggest that you don't ask him for the details. It will only hurt you....you won't gain anything from it. Sure, some answers could help you get a clear understanding but altogether it's just not worth it. You're mind will be plagued by images of them together and sex with him will be very hard.
I know all the details of his relationship with her and learned that he 'did it' doggy style. Everytime we did it after getting back together, all I could think about was him giving it to her.
I also stumbled across pages of Google chats on his gmail account (by accident) and they were pretty graphic. He even called her the same pet names he called me!
It took a while to get over and honestly I'm prefectly okay now...but it was SOOO not worth it! You've already suffered enough
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Re: Do I want the details??? 
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