I had to know the details and guess what, she also had a terrible time remembering (sounds like a recurring theme with WS?). What did trickle out through repeated interrogations actually made me feel better. Because the A happened years ago, while I was deployed (and I found out rather recently) I had never met the OM. In my mind movies he 6'8", a face like Brad Pitt, built like a chippendales dancer, hung like a mule, with the stamina of 20 men. In reality he was 5'7", skinny, boyish looking, stoner, with 20 odd hairs growing on his face that he refused to shave.
When I finally found out that I wasn't competing with a sex robot built by God himself, it made things easier to digest. Of course the info about positions and oral are going to hurt you, but would you really want her secretly longing to do that one thing she didn't even know she liked (until she did it with the other man)? Your triggers will fade, but not knowing is forever.
And it is better to know exactly what happened, so that when you make your decision (R or D), you are actually able to make the 1st INFORMED DECISION in your relationship since the A started.
Cant, we are all different, as you can see from these posts. Not everyone wants the details. Just knowing that you have been betrayed may be enough. My WW had no idea that I even knew about her affair until she realized that I had made plans for my permanent exit. That's when things started to change. That's what the 180 is about. You have to be a new you, prepared to be on your own if you need to be. You already have the details you need- he was unfaithful, and you can't trust him, at least not for a long time. He needs to know that detail about you. Where you go from here depends on what he does with that information.
As much as it hurts to physically type this due to tendinitis, I felt I should get this out. I've talked about how some people need to know the details so they know what to forgive.
Well....last week I "obtained" info about the affair, and it's pretty much the whole story, but not the chat logs or any of their actual phone conversations. What I've found out was so damn hurtful, that R is is serious jeopardy. There's nothing new, but these PMs were from the height of the affair almost 2 years ago. I'm absolutely devastated, and it was worse than I imagined. I hadn't realized how deeply she was in the fog with this OM.
It's my fault for re-opening an old wound, when she has done everything that I've asked for and then some. She damn near had a break down and the local cops were involved. I wasnt in trouble or anything, but she was crying and begging and pleading for me not to leave, etc. I was already packing my things and ready to hit the road for a couple of days to clear my head, but changed my mind.
To actually read the words, the love, the yearning to be together, to sleep together, how life is cruel that they're married to someone else, etc, etc,. To know that they were making plans to meet up physically and be together. Wow. The fog has been gone a while now, but she mentioned to me that it was a good thing that I caught her when I did before she made it even worse than she had. She can't believe the things that she wrote to him about, some of it when we were really having some great times. Yes, I had her body, but her heart and mind were his. That was a tough pill to swallow.
Now I wish I didn't know the details. The pain is damn near as great as another DDay.
As much as it hurts to physically type this due to tendinitis, I felt I should get this out. I've talked about how some people need to know the details so they know what to forgive.
Well....last week I "obtained" info about the affair, and it's pretty much the whole story, but not the chat logs or any of their actual phone conversations. What I've found out was so damn hurtful, that R is is serious jeopardy. There's nothing new, but these PMs were from the height of the affair almost 2 years ago. I'm absolutely devastated, and it was worse than I imagined. I hadn't realized how deeply she was in the fog with this OM.
It's my fault for re-opening an old wound, when she has done everything that I've asked for and then some. She damn near had a break down and the local cops were involved. I wasnt in trouble or anything, but she was crying and begging and pleading for me not to leave, etc. I was already packing my things and ready to hit the road for a couple of days to clear my head, but changed my mind.
To actually read the words, the love, the yearning to be together, to sleep together, how life is cruel that they're married to someone else, etc, etc,. To know that they were making plans to meet up physically and be together. Wow. The fog has been gone a while now, but she mentioned to me that it was a good thing that I caught her when I did before she made it even worse than she had. She can't believe the things that she wrote to him about, some of it when we were really having some great times. Yes, I had her body, but her heart and mind were his. That was a tough pill to swallow.
Now I wish I didn't know the details. The pain is damn near as great as another DDay.
Lord, How long have you been in R? See the trouble is I have read alot of their emails and the ones I havent read I still have access to. I still am tempted to read the rest but have resisted b/c when I do it sets me back weeks. Like you said "like another Dday."
I havent read any mention of love or yearning to be together yet... thats what I fear is there. I only read to a certain point and that was far enough. I stopped. Couldnt handle it. Like I said I still could..
LM, learning those details sure is heartbreaking. What should make you wonder, if you had that level of detail when you first discovered this would you have still been able to offer R? For me, when I saw the texts and the photo of her with him, just the candidness and intimate way she wrote and the sparkle in her eye, were things I thought were always reserved for me... as soon as I saw that I felt absolutely nothing special for her in my heart, nor have I felt anything special for her since. As your W has been willing to do everything you have asked since dday, and seems genuinely remorseful, do you recognize anything special in that, because going forward in time your whole relationship will now be based on the time since - like losing all your old photos in a fire, all you have is the new photos you make, kind of like a clean slate if the remorse is true.
Yes, it will piss you off to learn what happened. But at the same time, it cheapens the affair. Because the affair once exposed isn't clandestine anymore and it loses a certain appeal, if that makes sense. Also, your partner will feel foolish when he spills the beans.
It's a personal choice--whetherto know or not.
I am happy I asked for details though. It made it more real for me...so I knew what I was facing/up against/how to move from that point onward.
Yes, it will piss you off to learn what happened. But at the same time, it cheapens the affair. Because the affair once exposed isn't clandestine anymore and it loses a certain appeal, if that makes sense. Also, your partner will feel foolish when he spills the beans.
It's a personal choice--whetherto know or not.
I am happy I asked for details though. It made it more real for me...so I knew what I was facing/up against/how to move from that point onward.
See Jelly thats kinda how I am. 'Know the enemy' . especially since he still works w/her. Yeah the more I know about how they operated the better to ****block him. Ya know? Doesnt mean I necessarily want to read every little smiley face she/he ever sent. But someday I might. Right now he is doing all the right things so I think knowing more would only derail me. I know way alot right now.
It would be very good for your marriage if he got a new job or relocated or if they did not work together.
Anycontact with a previous affair partner is not good and isn't conducive to restoring your marriage.
I totally understand you wanting to know. I never thought I would and then it hit me and I am glad for the end result.
Yes. He is working really hard to get a new job ASAP. It totally pisses me that he put us in this position but it is what it is and we gotta get thru it. He is working from home for now to be away from her.
I do want to know. I just dont think I can know everything while he is still there and have any hope of R. Its a process. He is doing all he can for NC or as little as possible. Thats all he can do for now. He shows me all emails from her(work related always on his part, she has started to fish). Its hard and I never thought we'd be here. I have lost some respect for him but I love him and I'm trying.
it would just makes things worse for you, im sure your imagination has taken care of alot of the details already
As the WS you may not credit my opinion, but I really don't think you should ask.
I talked to my IC about this, she suggested to avoid gruesome details at all costs...why?
1. It creates more triggers for you, the BS, taking longer to heal
2. It'll create more anger, making it more difficult to R
3. The WS is forced to relive the event with you, which for some people can be painful... it could also trigger them to start think again about AP
4. Since I am female, she warned me especially not to reveal anything sexually specific. You don't want to be put in a position where your spouse demands sex in a certain way that you don't want to do. It can make WS resent the BS and sex altogether.
5. If you have already forgiven your spouse, it is a step backwards.
Yes, knowledge is power, but what kind of power do you get form knowing how often someone came or a certain position was used.
I definitely think the BS is more than entitled to ask anything he/she wants, but is it really going to make you feel better?
As the WS you may not credit my opinion, but I really don't think you should ask.
I talked to my IC about this, she suggested to avoid gruesome details at all costs...why?
1. It creates more triggers for you, the BS, taking longer to heal
2. It'll create more anger, making it more difficult to R
3. The WS is forced to relive the event with you, which for some people can be painful... it could also trigger them to start think again about AP
4. Since I am female, she warned me especially not to reveal anything sexually specific. You don't want to be put in a position where your spouse demands sex in a certain way that you don't want to do. It can make WS resent the BS and sex altogether.
5. If you have already forgiven your spouse, it is a step backwards.
Yes, knowledge is power, but what kind of power do you get form knowing how often someone came or a certain position was used.
I definitely think the BS is more than entitled to ask anything he/she wants, but is it really going to make you feel better?
It was an EA not a PA. But I do believe the more triggers part. I read a certain part about what she had for lunch once when they went, now I cant even think about Tomato-Basil soup w/o raising my blood pressure. So yeah, little things, big triggers.
So your IC suggests you to rugsweep and trickle-truth your husband. How cute.
No.
F*ck no. Let us betrayed decide how much we should know. We are grown ups and can deal with it. Don't pretend that non-disclosure is for anything but your own comfort.
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Re: Do I want the details??? 
