As the WS you may not credit my opinion, but I really don't think you should ask.
I talked to my IC about this, she suggested to avoid gruesome details at all costs...why?
1. It creates more triggers for you, the BS, taking longer to heal
2. It'll create more anger, making it more difficult to R
3. The WS is forced to relive the event with you, which for some people can be painful... it could also trigger them to start think again about AP
4. Since I am female, she warned me especially not to reveal anything sexually specific. You don't want to be put in a position where your spouse demands sex in a certain way that you don't want to do. It can make WS resent the BS and sex altogether.
5. If you have already forgiven your spouse, it is a step backwards.
Yes, knowledge is power, but what kind of power do you get form knowing how often someone came or a certain position was used.
I definitely think the BS is more than entitled to ask anything he/she wants, but is it really going to make you feel better?
AT ALL COST????
actually the ONLY thing that would have made me feel better is for him to have honored his vows. Now if I ask a question-I expect an answer. See he's been lying to me for far too long so lying now is out of the question. And for your IC to basically recommend dodging the question or being evasive is ridiculous and I hope he/she doesnt cause you a D.
As the WS you may not credit my opinion, but I really don't think you should ask.
I talked to my IC about this, she suggested to avoid gruesome details at all costs...why?
1. It creates more triggers for you, the BS, taking longer to heal
2. It'll create more anger, making it more difficult to R
3. The WS is forced to relive the event with you, which for some people can be painful... it could also trigger them to start think again about AP
4. Since I am female, she warned me especially not to reveal anything sexually specific. You don't want to be put in a position where your spouse demands sex in a certain way that you don't want to do. It can make WS resent the BS and sex altogether.
5. If you have already forgiven your spouse, it is a step backwards.
Yes, knowledge is power, but what kind of power do you get form knowing how often someone came or a certain position was used.
I definitely think the BS is more than entitled to ask anything he/she wants, but is it really going to make you feel better?
I normally don't post on CWI but your post made me come out of lurking.
You have it all wrong. If the betrayed spouse wants the details, the wayward spouse should give it. Maybe ask first "are you sure you want to know?" and if the answer is "yes" then the wayward spouse is obligated to tell the truth. There's telling the truth and there's telling in a way that will maximize the hurt. "Did you have a chocolate chip cookie" can be answered with "yes, we had a chocolate chip cookie about three times", but you don't have to say "yes, it was the most moist, tastiest chocolate chip cookie I ever had in my life." Obviously ya'll know I'm talking about cookies...
I don't know if you've read Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. In her section of the book about "walls and windows", she talks about how during the affair the cheating spouse and the affair partner put up a wall to keep the betrayed spouse out. What happens between the WS and AP is between them. They create a fantasy. They compartmentalize what they're doing. By giving details about the affair during reconciliation, the betrayed spouse has a window into the affair. It breaks down the wall that once existed. The BS is no longer staring at the wall wondering what went on. The BS is obviously going to still feel left out to a certain degree, but isn't completely in the dark as before.
Lying about or omitting affair details will be picked up by BS. If you still lie, you are making reconciliation impossible.
Lies and double life hurt as much (if not more) than the actual intercourse you had with AP. If you won't come clean, he'll be left forever wondering and there is zero chance at rebuilding any semblance of trust.
My IC did not tell me to lie. She simply suggested that I say I don't feel comfortable or don't want to answer the question.
I think the idea behind it is to not add further to whatever imagined affair the BS is thinking. Yes, what I did destroyed a person, but what I do moving forward can either help the person heal or add to the wreckage.
Just because I messed up doesn't mean that my husband is the wisest person in the world. He is deservedly angry...and when emotions take over, we don't think clearly.
I ordered the Shirley Glass book, so I haven't read it yet.
Please don't take this as me being haughty. I'm very resigned to the fact that my husband accepting me is completely at his mercy. My biggest concern in all this is to help my husband heal, it's not to R. Yes, I would LOVE to R, but his priorities, his healing comes first. If not having me in his life helps him, that's something I have to accept. That is how my sessions are conducted. They are not based on what will make me feel better, they are all focused on how I can help him.
Lord, How long have you been in R? See the trouble is I have read alot of their emails and the ones I havent read I still have access to. I still am tempted to read the rest but have resisted b/c when I do it sets me back weeks. Like you said "like another Dday."
I havent read any mention of love or yearning to be together yet... thats what I fear is there. I only read to a certain point and that was far enough. I stopped. Couldnt handle it. Like I said I still could..
If you cant handle it then dont. Like others have said in this forum in the past, very often the reality is worse then you have imagined.
Oh yes, June 10 is going to be the 2nd Antiversary of DDay Posted via Mobile Device
LM, learning those details sure is heartbreaking. What should make you wonder, if you had that level of detail when you first discovered this would you have still been able to offer R? For me, when I saw the texts and the photo of her with him, just the candidness and intimate way she wrote and the sparkle in her eye, were things I thought were always reserved for me... as soon as I saw that I felt absolutely nothing special for her in my heart, nor have I felt anything special for her since. As your W has been willing to do everything you have asked since dday, and seems genuinely remorseful, do you recognize anything special in that, because going forward in time your whole relationship will now be based on the time since - like losing all your old photos in a fire, all you have is the new photos you make, kind of like a clean slate if the remorse is true.
I would rather have found this out in the beginning, on DDay. Instead its like trickle truth but of my own making. The "love of my life" (her words) definitely set me back. I know exactly where you're coming from about the special feelings you thought belonged to you that she gave to him. Its like everything is tainted and now there are additional triggers. Posted via Mobile Device
My WS told me she got on top once with the OM .. They had sex in my car. I wanted to burn it. But I got over it by calling it the **** mobile and I will get rid of it sometime this year. Heck the dude made my wife moan so what do I do there?
OMG how can you (or anyone else in your situation) EVER get past something like this?
Leslie, I am sorry, but this is classic WS-speak. "What they don't know won't hurt them." !!! Yea right.
I guess you don't need to volunteer unrequested tidbits. But if your BS asks a question, you damn well answer it truthfully.
Do you understand what a BS is robbed of in an affair? Truth and reality. Many never recover from this, and denying it is just a further betrayal of a weak and vulnerable marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
I want to toss out the laptop and webcam since those were her main tools. But its mine. I'll get rid of it when I upgrade. Already got rid of her blackberry after finding out why she really wanted one for. Posted via Mobile Device
Another excellent post inheartlife. That's exactly the position I adopted. I made sure my wife had enough info that she knew the truth but details I left for her to ask. If she asked I told her the truth, no matter how unpleasant. To really reconcile there can be no lies or half truths. There is nothing wrong with letting your betrayed spouse decide what they want to know, but if they want to know you have to give them the truth.
My biggest concern in all this is to help my husband heal, it's not to R. Yes, I would LOVE to R, but his priorities, his healing comes first. If not having me in his life helps him, that's something I have to accept. That is how my sessions are conducted. They are not based on what will make me feel better, they are all focused on how I can help him.
Leslie - this is the absolute right answer. It shows love and compassion. I think what many are trying to relate is that it may be impossible for him to heal without answers. The uncertainty of not knowing all the facts and the answers can be what lingers longest. Sometimes, people need to peel back the bandaid. One question that will likely haunt him is "why?" "He was very hot and the sex was amazing" will end that question. We all know we are not the best at anything, the most attractive, the smartest, richest, kindest, biggest . . . Confirmation of that is not the end of the world (maybe confirmation that he is not enough is the end of the marriage, but not the end of the world). Answered questions can only linger for so long.
Ugh, and I just recalled what my WS withheld from me post DD#2: the fact that he cheated right thru 6 mos of MC. It was like a DD#3 when I found out. But a funny thing happened: my WS suddenly stopped being defensive and answered all my other questions. There were no more secrets to keep.
Don't discount the sense of relief and healing YOU can get from sharing the truth. Posted via Mobile Device
I want to toss out the laptop and webcam since those were her main tools. But its mine. I'll get rid of it when I upgrade. Already got rid of her blackberry after finding out why she really wanted one for. Posted via Mobile Device
yeah its strange how the specific tools they used to conduct their affairs seem to be strong triggers - I found out about my W's indiscretions while looking on her netbook and blackberry - and anytime I've seen those specific models I involuntarily turn my head and clench my jaw. Other laptops and cellphones no prob, but seeing the identical ones its like the image has been etched into my eyes.
All this proves is everyone is different. I for one have no urge to know not even the slightest then again I don't want to know about the affair in the first place........call me loco
To this day after 15 years of marriage she still brings up my exes. Like "I had a dream you left me for XXXX" or "That I caught ya'll" and it's been so so long.
Before my wife and I got married we got drunk and had a 1 on 1 telling each other everyone we slept with and some gory detail. Hearing her say names of some of my best friends and threesomes still can twinge me and its been 17 years since they happened.
So, for me HELL NO I don't want to know would never want to know I agree 10000% with Lord Mayhem.
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Re: Do I want the details??? 
