My wife is cheating but I want to fix our marriage
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-21-2012, 01:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife is cheating but I want to fix our marriage

Sorry for the long post but I'm new to this and unfortunately my situation is difficult to explain. My wife and I have been married for two and half years and have been together a total of over 11 years since high school. We bought a house three years ago, have a dog, and even became godparents to our friends son this fall.

So over the last month and a half I've come to the realization that my wife is cheating on me with a client of hers (she's a substance abuse counselor). I stumbled upon it because I noticed that my wife had been acting differently. I first noticed that she was carrying her cell phone with her everywhere: bathroom, when she went to shower, from room-to-room, etc. She then was staying up absurdly later for her when she's normally an early-to-bed-early-to-rise person. The most alarming thing I noticed was that she seemed to just be distant and it was almost like I wasn't even there. A few days later I was able to check her phone and I found some disturbing texts to a number that wasn't listed in her phone, implying that she had hung out with the person and that she missed them. I confronted her about them and she said that nothing was going on and it was just "entertainment". When I pushed the issue demanding answers she spun it back around on me that she was unhappy because I've been too complacent with things and that she felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. I took what she said about the texts at face value and tried to push past it. I also tried to make some changes with the way I was to address some of the issues she brought up.

Unfortunately, after a couple of days I couldn't take it anymore and I looked at our cell phone bill to see how long and how much she had been texting with this person, who she refused to say who it was. What I found just astonished me because she had been talking to them for over 2 months with it really picking up over the last few weeks. I decided to do a lookup on the phone number she was texting with but the results I got back seemed weird to me (at the time). As the week went on things didn't change much and I couldn't help but keep checking that history. She would say she had to work late, which normally seemed fine but would actually go there. When she would come home she reeked of cigarette smoke when I know she doesn't smoke and she can't stand to be around it without getting a migraine. I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt throughout all this probably because I was in denial and I wanted to believe her when she said it was nothing. I pretty much figured out when she had gone to see this person and basically confirmed that it was really one of her clients.

After close to a week of this, I confronted her about why she was texting this person so much and who it was (again). She refused to talk about it and continued to try and turn it around back on me. She left the house to go to her mom's the first time I brought it up (since I initially brought up what I saw) but turned around and came back. Again, stupid me, I took what she was saying (or not saying) for what I wanted it to be and tried to see if things would change. A week later I tried again, this time approaching it as "I know you are talking and seeing someone else behind my back". She denied everything, continuing to say it was nothing, and it started a huge fight. The fight ended with her saying that she didn't know what she wanted anymore, including whether she wanted to be married or not which pretty much crushed me even more. I couldn't go to work the next day and felt totally defeated. By the time she came home from work I moved from sad to angry and ready to pounce on the smallest thing except she came home and was acting like everything was fine. I took this as a good sign and tried to go with it. Unfortunately, what I've come realize was that it was pretty much a front.

Another week goes by and she has to go to some conference in Atlantic City for work. It was an all day thing so I wasn't expecting her to come home until after dinner. I was starting to feel better about things because at this point she hadn't hung out with the person in two weeks, they were just talking. We texted throughout the day but I got this suspicion that she was going to go there on her way home from the conference. She tried covering all her bases saying that she and a coworker went out to eat after the conference then went shopping and gambling. At this point there was nothing I could do except wait until she got home. When she did she went right to the bedroom to change her clothes, right to the bathroom to wash her face and basically right to bed. I figured out that she did in fact go there and lied to me about when they left AC. At this point I asked her what are we doing to ourselves? It had been a week since we last spoke about everything and it was left on pretty uncertain terms. I pushed it further questioning where she was, remembering the co-worker she went with was in recovery herself and didn't gamble - meaning they didn't go gambling afterwards. She continued to say nothing else was going on and I kept pushing. Finally she blurted out that she didn't want to be married anymore and that she'd been thinking it for a while. I tried to talk about that more with her but the only thing she did was go in the guest room and go to bed.

The next day she gets up and its like the night before didn't happen. At this point I decided to leave the house and went for a drive. Before I left I said that whatever is going on need to stop and we need to talk about our issues. I said that if she's seeing or talking to someone else she needs to stop or we need to seriously think about what our next steps are. The only thing she said was that she wasn't seeing anyone. I left for a few hours and while out she called me to say that she had to go into work for a bit and that she'd meet me at dinner later (we were going out with a group of friends). Turns out that's exactly what it was and we went through the rest of the weekend. Monday morning before leaving for work she said that she needed space and time to figure things out for herself. I said whatever helps her get to the point of talking about this stuff was good with me but she needed to be honest.

Another week goes by, she still talks to the person, and it's killing me. I'm getting more and more angry and then she goes there again. She tells me that she worked until 2 but had to go to another office and then visit her grandmother. I couldn't really question the sick grandmother thing but I knew she went to see this guy. It wasn't until the following Monday that I finally said you are lying to me and seeing this guy and I pulled his name out. She was shocked that I knew his name and that he was one of her clients. She denied that anything was going on and that he was even her client. Finally she admitted to lying to me about who she was talking to and that some nights she doesn't come home from work right away. I pursued that but it went no where. She went back to her point about not wanting to be married anymore and we tried talking about that. We ended it that we would try and work out our issues but we needed to talk more about it the next day. When we spoke the next day, she reversed course and said she wanted out. I said if she wanted to be with one of her clients, or anyone else for that matter, then get go. She didn't leave, she just again denied that it wasn't her client. I pushed that and we actually got back to the point of where we both needed to think about what we wanted and needed for our relationship.

Last night was a week since we spoke about everything. In the week since we've been basically co-existing and she seems pretty content with that. Me, I'm torturing myself thinking there's someway she'll come around. We're supposed to be going away at the end of May and I'm trying to get her to agree to working on things until then and then seeing where we are after the trip. I already said that I don't know if its best for us to be going away if we are in this uncertain place.

She doesn't know that I know as much as I do about everything. It's hard for me to try and catch her in the act of seeing the guy because of where she works and it seems they meet up last minute. Despite all of this I want to try and work things out with her but I'm not sure if that's feasible anymore. Plus, I'm concerned for her because this guy isn't necessarily a model citizen and she's putting her career on the line by even hang out with him. I feel like a sucker about all this because I basically let it get to this point. It also kills me because things seemed like they were great between us up until I noticed her acting differently. I'm not sure what to do next. Thoughts?

Last edited by Hurt84; 03-25-2012 at 10:41 PM.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is cheating but I want to fix our marriage

If you're in doubts of whether its EA or PA, you could install a keylogger in her computer, place a VAR in her car.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Stop sitting in the background and reading her texts. Present her with the proof, if she wants out, let her go. I know you don't want it, but the chances of her maintaining respect for you is going to be a lot higher if you draw a line in the sand.

a. ALL contact needs to stop immediately, with proof by her or you will - tell her family and her work. If her career is ruined, then she should have thought about that before hand. What kind of recovery is she helping this person with when adultery and lack of morals is being set as an example by a counselor - she should NOT be in the position.

b. Give her 24 hours - not next week, not 48 hours. She is your WIFE and you have rights in your marriage and settling for being cheated on is not attractive and is not something you deserve.

At this point, the best way to save your marriage is to do what you think will destroy it because it is currently dying a slow death as she has her way and loses more and more respect for you everyday.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Stop sitting in the background and reading her texts. Present her with the proof, if she wants out, let her go. I know you don't want it, but the chances of her maintaining respect for you is going to be a lot higher if you draw a line in the sand.

a. ALL contact needs to stop immediately, with proof by her or you will - tell her family and her work. If her career is ruined, then she should have thought about that before hand. What kind of recovery is she helping this person with when adultery and lack of morals is being set as an example by a counselor - she should NOT be in the position.

b. Give her 24 hours - not next week, not 48 hours. She is your WIFE and you have rights in your marriage and settling for being cheated on is not attractive and is not something you deserve.

At this point, the best way to save your marriage is to do what you think will destroy it because it is currently dying a slow death as she has her way and loses more and more respect for you everyday.



But to do this he should grow a pair!!!!!!! unfortunately he don't have this now, else she shouldn't have strayed like this in front of him.

She was not even ready to talk to him about her FB, she disrespected him that much like a POS.

Go get a VAR, Put a keylogger on her computer. (actually do you need any more evidence to dump her?)
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is cheating but I want to fix our marriage

for starters read the newbie link in my signature


next I'm going to tell you something you won't want to hear but if you truly want to stay married then you have to take this risk


you are going to go see a lawyer and get the papers for a divorce and also to know your rights

next you are going to see a doctor for a STD test and possible meds for the anxiety/depression (it is very likely it has gone physical by now)

then you are going to present the papers to your wife and tell her that you only wish for her to be happy and that she can be free to pursue her love interest and that you will not stay married because you do not want to have 3 people in a marriage. The only way you will stay married is if she does the following:

1) goes completely no contact with the OM, in fact she should look for employment elsewhere or have it confirmed that he will no longer be in her care. She should write a no contact letter and if he contacts her again then she will ignore it and tell you of it right away.

2) she is completely transparent, she gives up all passwords, allows you to look at her phone and keeps you informed to her whereabouts. You should also keep up the snooping and do NOT reveal your sources

3) she must show 100% true remorse, that the affair is all hers to own. Yes there are problems of the marriage that need addressing but the affair choice is all hers. That means no trickle turth, gaslighting or blameshifting.

4) she spends 5-10 of one on one time with you a week so you can reconnect

I know by making a stand here you are afraid that you will lose her BUT
if she decides to leave, then you have already lost her and it's too late (altho it is possible to bring her back through exposures and such buut do you really want to be the back up plan?)


also-

is OM married, if so tell her ASAP
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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This is exactly correct. You are in limbo - don't know where you stand. From the outside, it is very apparent where you stand - nowhere close to her. How long you stay in limbo is up to you. The only thing that will get you out is filing. Or, when the OM dumps her and she comes back to her second fiddle . . . for a while. While you sit up paranoid for the next few years. Take control. No one can promise it'll get you your wife back, but you must realize that she is now gone, pleading/begging/being a doormat will not get her back.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hire a PI immediately. I give you a 0.0001 % chance that she is not f@cking behind your back. Read the stories here. How you react will decide if your marriage will survive or not.

Start preparing for a divorce. It is your best option. The lack of respect and the lying shows that she doesn't care much about you. Get out before kids or more long term decisions
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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1/ Get tested for STD's
2. Contact an attorney
3. Expose this to the OM's significant other
4. Expose this to her human resources dept. She is screwing around with a client.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She no longer respects you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Your story sounds REALLY similar to mine, and mine ended up in a 6 month PA!


One thing I really kick myself for not doing, was grabbing her phone from her, and calling the om FROM HER PHONE in front of her, the first time I found the text!

Do that, and watch her crumble!

Don't do anything, and watch your heart crumble.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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One thing I really kick myself for not doing, was grabbing her phone from her, and calling the om FROM HER PHONE in front of her, the first time I found the text!

Do that, and watch her crumble!

Don't do anything, and watch your heart crumble.
Most of the time that does nothing but upset the WS and pushes away from you even more.

You really want to fix the marriage, then you have to risk losing her also. At this point you're on the losing end.

Crying, begging, pleading, playing Mr. nice guy, being the best spouse won't win you any brownie points because all she sees is the past and what got her there.

Others have already said, start working on you and moving on without her at this point. Set up boundaries that she has to follow and if she balks take that bat and smack her right on out of the ballpark and move on without her.

Well, that's how my wife got me to wake up anyways.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is cheating but I want to fix our marriage

Hurt 84,

I caught my wife with a combination of tactics. The most useful being a GPS tracker on her car.

Listen to the advice from these folks...they are correct. I have been through what you are going through right now. My wife said all the same things yours is saying. Yes, she was cheating, EA/PA and it was going on a lot longer then I thought. I didn't listen to their advice and as a result I was in limbo for 6 months...and that is not including the next 8 months of false R and TT.

I feel like the others above...you already have enough info to file for D. This should be your next step. I wouldn't drag it out any longer. The longer you wait the worse it will get...and the harder it will be on you. You don't have children so there is no reason to put up with her cheating and no reason to wait.

Keep in mind that after some women have affairs and disconnect from their husbands emotionally, even after the affair ends, they don't always reconnect. Sometimes it's gone forever...as was my case.

I urge you to see an attorney and start the process towards D. Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately. You must do what may seem counter intuitive to you right now if you want to have any chance to save this marriage. You can always halt the process of D if she magically wakes up and comes out of the fog.

Think of it this way. If you file and she wake up...you can halt the process. If you file and she leaves...then you have your answer. Would you want to stay with a wife that doesn't want to be with you? Of course not.

Good luck.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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both almostrecovered and warlock have given the right answers to your situation. You should now wake up.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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this is really serious! She is dating a patient! Beyond unethical. That will have huge fallout.
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Old 03-21-2012, 03:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Most of the time that does nothing but upset the WS and pushes away from you even more.

You really want to fix the marriage, then you have to risk losing her also. At this point you're on the losing end.

Crying, begging, pleading, playing Mr. nice guy, being the best spouse won't win you any brownie points because all she sees is the past and what got her there.

Others have already said, start working on you and moving on without her at this point. Set up boundaries that she has to follow and if she balks take that bat and smack her right on out of the ballpark and move on without her.

Well, that's how my wife got me to wake up anyways.
Yes and no. My wife swore up and down that is was nothing serious, and had this douche bag's contact info as a girl in her phone. for 6 months I thought this dipchit was a chick! I guess I should have included that in my original post. Either way, if I would have called, I could have started my 180 sooner, and either got on with my life, or kept the affair from building another 6 months.
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Old 03-21-2012, 03:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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dammit decimated update your thread
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