Getting over an affair

chapparal · 03-24-2012, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hurtingsodeeply

ok.. Im sorry but I have to disagree beowolf.. When u marry you do not become one.. Even in marriage there HAS to be individualality... And as for privacy.. I have to say that something must remain private.. Until it affects the union.. I left mh wife as I was no longer an " individual " I lived under her umbrella for ten years......
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If your a Christian or a Jew and you get married, you do indeed become one. Other religions,I have no idea. Atheists, its whatever you say it is.

Don't know your situation but it sounds like you bailed on your marriage.

Beowulf · 03-24-2012, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chapparal

If your a Christian or a Jew and you get married, you do indeed become one. Other religions,I have no idea. Atheists, its whatever you say it is.

Don't know your situation but it sounds like you bailed on your marriage.

I really don't think religion plays into it that much other than the terminology used in the vows. The truth is I can't think of anything that I might say, do or even think that does not in some way affect my wife and my marriage. Therefore why should I be able to keep those things private? I'd like anyone to give me an example. As far as I'm concerned privacy = secrets and secrets - marriage death.

Openness and transparency do not mean you give up who you are. On the contrary, openness and transparency allow you to be who you are without fear or concern. In the movie Meet Joe Black Quince is asked how he knows his wife loves him. He replies "Because she knows the worst thing about me and its okay." If you're keeping secrets your spouse doesn't really know you. And then how can you be sure that he/she really loves you?

AngryandUsed · 03-24-2012, 01:21 PM

That is an ideal situation, Beowulf.
I dont know if it is prevalent in many marriages.

newlife94 · 03-24-2012, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngryandUsed

That is an ideal situation, Beowulf.
I dont know if it is prevalent in many marriages.

My H and I have absolute transparency ....of course we are 4 months into R, so there was secrecy before. I am learning to trust him again. The book "Torn Asunder" is helping us and we are seeing our chaplain. Protecting and honoring our marriage is priority number 1. I know now that even though his actions were not acceptable, there were conditions in our marriage that made him vulnerable to it and honestly I can see how just about anyone can become vulnerable, that is helping with the healing. Not everyone can or will recover, but it is possible for everyone that wants to....there is HOPE!!

Good luck to you and your husband. There is also another book "Not Just Friends" that I am reading now, great resource that I heard of here on TAM.

Beowulf · 03-24-2012, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngryandUsed

That is an ideal situation, Beowulf.
I dont know if it is prevalent in many marriages.

I don't know what advantage secrecy has in any marriage. I've read many books and I can't remember one that does not advocate openness and honesty in a marriage. So maybe it is an ideal situation but it also should be something to make every effort to achieve.

AngryandUsed · 03-25-2012, 01:30 PM

secrecy breeds cheating. If honesty exists in all marriages, TAM wouldn't be where it is now!
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