Unsure2621

I have never posted in a forum before. But like many that have come before me I have found myself at the end of a ten year marriage. We have been separated for 10 weeks, though the problems began in the fall. So we are 5 months into this disaster. I will do my best to keep this concise. I am just looking for support from others who have been in the same place as I am now. I am struggling to move forward.

My husband and I have been married for ten years in May of 2012. We have been together for 14 years. We married young. I was 22 – and we had already had a child together by the time we wed. Today I am 32 and he will be 35 in September.

He developed an interesting hobby several years ago, paranormal research, and his life has been consumed by it ever since. He is out of town every other weekend for overnight trips to ‘chase ghosts’. I of course thought this hobby was a bit crazy but I supported it. He has become very popular within the paranormal subculture and has quite a following of groupies. All seemingly unhealthy mentally – but that could be a gross generalization.

In the fall of this year my intuition told me that something just was not right. At that time I began to try to get him to engage and ‘come back’ into the marriage. At first I was pretty healthy about it. As this progressed over the course of 3 months I made all the common mistakes: begging, crying, demanding, seeming unstable. It finally erupted after 3 months of this with me demanding that he choose his hobby or me. He chose his hobby. I erupted and destroyed quite a bit of his expensive ghost hunting equipment. Wrong – yes I know. He left the next day.

After he left I went about the usual: begging, pleading, bargaining. All failed.

My original suspicions have been confirmed. There was in fact a girl investigating with him. She was married with 3 children of her own. We have been separated for 10 weeks and she has left her husband as well. They are now ‘seeing’ one another and he ‘likes’ this girl. He says it started in February after we separated but they have been in constant communication via Facebook, text messaging since the fall.

During the 3 months of arguing he would tell me that nothing was wrong and that he still loved me. But I could tell something was deeply wrong. Even in December when he was with her he sent me a text stating ‘Just know that I love you’. Guilt?

After he left he has made the following statements to me:

‘I will always love you and care about you but I know that I don’t want to be married to you’

‘I have been fighting leaving you for years. I only stayed for our daughter.’

‘I hope that we reach a point where we can be friends’ (Yeah Right)

‘I don’t understand why you are so upset we were splitting up anyway. If it wasn’t this girl it would be someone else’

‘I want you to be happy. But I deserve to be happy too and being married wasn't it. Again, had nothing to do with you as a person. You are a good person.’

‘it just came to a point where I had to move on.’

He’s so very cold towards me after all our history and it hurts like hell. I have already had my attorney create a Marriage Separation Agreement and it’s already signed. He has agreed to file based on adultery so that we can be out of the marriage in 90 days. I pushed for the latter based on his transgressions.

For some reason I still continue to call him and badger him for information about his relationship with this woman. I feel out of control. Hurt. And totally shell shocked by all of this.
Should I slow down the divorce and give him time to think? Or push forward and don’t look back?

For some reason I can't get it out of mind and I am consumed by the psychological attacks of What did I do wrong? Why is she better than me? It's hell.

lisab0105

do not slow the divorce down. In fact, do whatever you can to push that sucker along.

Your soon to be ex is an ******* and he doesn't want to be married to you.

I know it is hard imagining your life without the person you made vows too...but by wasting your energy on this loser you are leaving yourself closed off to something even better down the road.

his new relationship will fail...

and you will have the last laugh..but moving on and being happy. I know, easier said than done.

SprucHub

Sounds like you did nothing at all wrong. He was likely feeling dissatisfied with his station in life and, once starting a very childish hobby, he realized he could be big man on campus. His hobby or obsession is just something people convince themselves they are into, it is not like he's actually solving a real problem or bettering the world or even following a sports team. He will realize at some point in his life where he went wrong, but spending your time waiting for that won't make it come faster. Divorcing and moving on will.

WhoHaveIBecome

100% he cheated. No person is going to admit to adultery if they didn't actually cheat. So I think your suspicions were very valid.

I think the divorce may be best. You deserve a husband who will love you and he deserves a wife who will love and support him. By cheating he wasn't doing right by you. From what little you wrote it doesn't seem like you were the best wife but it doesn't give him the right to cheat.

Tap1214

As painful as it is, the reality is ...HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! And you can't force someone to love you or have feelings for you, period!! And all the statements he made to you? He's trying to justify his actions.
Bottom line, he's a selfish jerk and he doesn't deserve you. Follow through with your divorce and move on with your life and don't look back.

chapparal

Its time for you to start taking care of yourself. Workout, new clothes, new hairdo, diet etc. Mentally for yourself and your daughter, go to this page at the link and follow the 180. You may get side tracked but just keep reading it. The worst thing you can do is chase him.It just feeds his ego.

BTW his adulterous relationship has about a 3 in 100 chance of lasting according to the stats.

The Healing Heart: The 180

chapparal

You may want to post his girlfriend on cheaterville.com

Unsure2621

Thanks for the responses. I am going to go no contact with him unless it is concerning our daughter. He clearly doesn't care. Since we separated - and during the 3 months of issues - he never reached out to me in any way. He clearly 'checked out' of the marriage at some point. I did every thing I could to get him to engage and even pushed for counseling. Of course he had no interest because of the OW.

I know that the things he says are guilt transference or trying to justify what he has done but its really hard to get it out of my head. For the three months before we separated he called me terrible names: Disgusting, Beast, Fat Ass. And made fun of how much I ate. It has really knocked my self esteem down several rungs.

It also bothers me that 'being married wasn't for him' but he is already involved with this other women. Makes no sense. And she was a housewife with 3 children!! He can barely support himself let alone 3 children and a housewife. And I always wanted to be a stay at home for our own child but always HAD to work because I was the primary breadwinner in our household. Baffles me how these two are going to take care of 4 children between the two of them. And one is special needs.

I think if it was a one night stand I would be coping better. It's hard to hear someone that told you daily that they loved you tell you that they have been fighting leaving you for years. And see them happy with another person.

Beowulf

If it makes you feel any better that happiness will not last. They will almost assuredly not be together in 5 years. Two cheaters together? No chance. They won't be able to trust each other. Work on yourself and find someone who will appreciate you.

Tap1214

Hang in there Unsure and be strong, not only for yourself but also for your precious daughter. I will be praying for you ...

"When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions don't match up with their words - It's time to let go." ~

elph

I just want to say ALL OF THIS is 100% typical fogbabble.

all cheaters have said these same things before.
the only thing your missing is the infamous
"i love you but im not in love with you"


like others have said. it will not last.

my wife said virtually all the the same lines. her affair seems to be apperently over.


you have to decided what you want to do, and whats best for you.
nobody here is going to give you any real bad advice, because we all handle things differently, but weigh the things they say.

but the idea of filing for divorce or legal seperation is a sound one...and can be stopped should he get his head outta his ass and you want to save the marriage....or you could just move on with your life...its up to you, but having a kid defianlty makes it hard...

hisfac

His insults are cruel and unnecessary but perhaps they carry a ring of truth? They are all pointing towards you having gained a lot of weight. If that's the case, then maybe it does make sense especially if the OW has kept her figure.

Unfortunately lots of people let themselves go when they get comfortable in marriage or long term committed relationships. They may not realize it but their partner becomes less physically attracted to them as they put on the weight and seeks sexual release elsewhere.

elph

Be that as it may, and even if she put on weight, its still NO JUSTIFICATION to cheat or have an affair.if that was the case he had an obligation to be honest with her and say to her that she finds the weight gain unappealing.

its not the nicest thing to say at all, but its a lot better than what hes doing...at least it gives her a choice to change it.


athol mentioned something like this in his married man sex life book.


baiscally you kknd of give an ultimatium. either lose weight and have sex with me, or ill find someone who will.

mind you this is a very loose interpretation. but it gets right to the point.

some people will argue the idealism of marriage. i used to. but then theres reality.

if my wife weighed 500 lbs. id still love her dearly. BUT that doesnt mean id find her physically or sexually attractive.

however there is usually alot more to infidelity than weight gain or lack of sex...
the problem really lies with the wayward spouse, not the betrayed.

sure their both 50% responsible for the marriage, but the WS is 100% responsible for the affair.

jnj express

He seems to be an egomaniac---and he is fueled, by his ghostly friends

He has moved on---time for you to move on---time for you to get your D---and get back into the world of the living.

morituri

Don't waste anymore time on that ugly idiot and concentrate on being kind to yourself and your daughter. You need to take care of your body, mind and soul by eating right, exercising, counseling with a professional with experience in helping victims of infidelity, and going out with friends. The more you do these things, the happier you will become and so will your daughter.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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