This is going to be a long post, but I thank you in advance if you make it to the end and can help me...
2 months ago I found out my wife was having a PA with a married man at her work. I had little "hard evidence" other than phone records, but when I confronted her about it she admitted to it rather quickly. The hardest part of all this is at the time I found out, she had just given birth 2 months prior to our first child. The affair began after she got pregnant. The EA started before however.
After a difficult weekend of us experiencing all the emotions you can imagine, she called the OM and told him it was over. I was on the call as well and told him if he cut off all contact with my wife, I wouldn't tell his wife. My belief was telling the OM's wife would run the risk of pushing him and my W closer together. I also figured the less drama and "spreading the gossip" that occurred the better chance we'd have to repair our marriage. I know TOM's W and I actually wanted to spare her the pain I was going through since I figured she was probably happy with her life as I was mine.
For the next month or so I struggled to make sense of what this meant, questioning my W frequently, communicating how much she'd hurt me. We agreed to go to see a marriage counselor.
During this time, I never seriously considered us getting divorced, I just wanted to figure out why this happened and how to forgive and move on for the sake of our new family. We had sex several times during this period. We actually continued to live life almost as if nothing had happened, only we were both sad/depressed about what had been "lost".
About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.
Since then I feel the power balance has shifted. Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.
Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.
The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.
I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.
So how do I proceed from here? She knows I can be a moody person so she may perceive my lack of contact/sexual advances as me being mad when I want her to see it as me re-asserting my own confidence in myself and other interests than her.
Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair? Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife? I glanced at her work email the other day and discovered their is some contact there that's not completely restricted to work talk? That alone is grounds for me to tell TOM's wife based on our prior agreement.
Long term I want our marriage to work out because we had a great thing going and can do so again. I also get sick thinking about my child growing up being shared between 2 sets of parents. I want access to him 100% of the time. However, I don't just want go back to how it was before. I want her to be less selfish and more willing to meet my sexual needs. Even now she continues to cook our meals and "hang out", but it feels almost like being roommates.
If you made it this far I thank you in advance for any advice you can give.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
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Originally Posted by HusbandSeekingAdvice
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Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair?
Definitely. She faced no serious consequences and ironically made you the one pleading to keep her. When she proposed divorce that should've been a crystal clear indication that she had no remorse whatsoever for what she'd done.
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Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife?
You're morally obligated to do this, and you don't need to tell your wife about it. She'll inform the OM first.
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Long term I want our marriage to work out because we had a great thing going and can do so again
Really? a person who cheats not only on her husband but with a married man? that's the lowest of the low my friend. I think you have a crippling fear of being alone hence your reluctance to do anything that might drive her away. You need to do a paternity test ASAP.
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Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
Yep, expose the wife to her family and your family and friends. Tell the other man wife. Don't tell her you are going to inform his wife. Do it first and tell her afterwards.
It is likely that they took the affair underground, that is why she cannot work on the marriage. You said you had a great thing going. I beg to differ. She was giving you morsels of love and you were happy with whatever you can get. She was giving the OM sex while denying you. That should be the greatest slap on your face. She doesn't not respect you. The way you were begging and pleading won't make her respect you. And without her respecting you, there is no chance for the marriage.
Stop the begging and pleading first. Stop acting like doormat.
Be prepared to divorce her. That is the only way you can reclaim your dignity and marriage(if there is a chance)
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07
Wow missed that part. OP have the baby DNA tested
That really jumps out with this. She was in the affair prior to becoming pregnant. She may know who the father is and it may not be her hubby's.
In this situation I am not even sure what he would hope for. And yes I know the baby is the innocent one. But I think he should know the truth. Just my opinion.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
Yeah, she lost her attraction because of your response. Shes lost her respect for you. Tomorrow, tell he you have been thinking, and that she is right. Tell her that you need some time away from her and would she mind moving back with her folks or a friend. Be nonchallant about. Kind of matter of fact.
Understand, if she does not respect you. She cannot love you. Respect is critical for love. Don't make a long discussion of it. Don't try to fix anything. She is evaluating her options. You are simply going to take one away from her.......YOU. Do the 180. Focus on you and your newborn. Please understand, that I am pro marriage. Been married 32 years.
I can guarantee she will do a double take. And going through her mind will be " I think I pushed him to far. Could he really want a divorce? All I wanted to do was deflect guilt over cheating on him. Hes just been so needy lately."
Keep up the 180. Disengage, focus on yourself. Do not contact her other then to deal with finances or the baby. No anger, you just have more important things to do then chase someone "who is not that attracted to you".
This is no guarantee. It is a way to clear away her "fog". She needs to experience single motherhood for a while. No fights, no arguments, no I love yous, also separate finances. She needs to start thinking of how she will support her and her daughter. 50/50 custody. Pick up the baby, but don't even ask how she has been. If she asks, tell her "everything is fine" Then change the subject to the baby.
In relationships there is space between couples. The idea is to make that space as narrow as possible. She has pulled away, and so naturally you want to fill that vacuum, to maintain that narrow space. Now is the time for you to pull away, as hard as it is. Hopefully, she will want to fill that space.
Lastly, I don't know why you want to stay with her? She was in a relationship, while she carried your child. I would divorce and never look back. Also tell the other mans wife. Stir the pot. If she asks why, tell her you thought about it, and his wife deserved to know. And you definitely need to out her to all friends and family. That's my advice.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
Unfortunately you have done everything wrong.
1. Immediately expose this to the OM's wife. This is non negotiable.
2. The both of you get tested for STD's.
3. A paternity test is a must. All cheaters lie.
4. Even if it is your child the fact that she was screwing this OM while being pregnant with your child really should be a deal breaker for you.
5. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
6. That she would engage in a sexual affair while being pregnant with hopefully your child shows she has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
7. The fact that she was so willing to do this while pregnant indicates to me that she knew if she got caught that there would be no consequences to her actions and you would simple forgive her. Would she have done the same for you?
8. See an attorney to understand your options.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
I hate men begging and pleading to a cheater wife for staying, It will take away all the little respect left for the man. She will only love you only if she respect you. She don't respect you now, she don't love you now so she choose OM for sex and emotional needs. Why you want to be with a person who don't love or respect you ? Are you that much degraded or horrible person or less a man so that its difficult to find another women who will love and respect you?
Do the paternity test, she is lying to you about the time line of her PA, she is manipulating you by asking you for split, give her what she needs, Issue her with D papers.
Exposure is a must, don't you think that OMW deserve the truth. She is also a human being like you, who is manipulated and played by her husband and your WW. OMW and you are the traveling in the same boat as both are heated by the respective spouses.
Expose the affair to WW family and work place, expose her to her friends. you are not the secret keeper of their dirty doings.
So no more begging and pleading, let she go, your wife whom you loved and married exist no more, the person now with you is a cheater who don't respect or love you, Let she go..
Do a hard 180, not to get her back but for your strength and betterment from this emotional roller coaster.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
For gosh sakes do not tell your wife that you are going to expose to the OM's wife. She will contact him and he will prepare his wife that some crazy guy is going to call her. Say nothing to your wife at all and expose this affair to the OM's wife. Again reading this it shows you have been fearful and that there there has been no consequences to her actions. My friend why would she respect a husband who seems so accepting of a wife screwing around on him for months while being pregnant? What is wrong with this picture?
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
Basically you have already lost---Your wife has little or no respect for you, cuz you have no respect for yourself
She lets another man have her, she puts you in 2nd place---she does all of this knowing she just had your child, (you hope), and are starting a family---and what do you do---YOU GROVEL
Sure she is still there why wouldn't she stay---she knows she can cheat, and you will do nothing---you talk about you manning up---what you are telling us is nothing more than a half hearted attempt, at who knows what----she doesn't want to lose you as part of her bankroll---so she will stick around---but based on how this is being handled---she will cheat again---and you probably will never even know it---now she has had some experience, with cheating---so don't be surprised if in the future she goes deep underground
Tell her lover's wife---she deserves to know what a piece of garbage she is married to---she deserves to know, so she can make an INFORMED DECISION ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THE REST OF HER LIFE.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
first and utmost important : U need to stop behaving like a doormat and MAN UP.
Being beta will not help u in personal life and professional life either.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
Go to this link and follow it religiously. Do not show ,anger,meaness,pouting etc. Contct the oM's wife immediately without warning. The odds are the affair has just gone underground. Good job with the emails. When she accuses you of ruining OM's marriage tell her she did that all by herself. Be cool and reserved. NEVER let her see you cry again, be a new man.
If and when she wants to reconcile, come here for alist of what she must do.
She wants to separate because she doesn't think the OM's wife knows and she can continue the affair undetected.
Re: Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost
You should also quietly separate finances, cancel all joint accts and credit cards. See an attorney and make sure she knows you are doing it. You need to shake up her world and let her see what the real world will be like..
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Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost 
