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Head in the sand?

20K views 140 replies 33 participants last post by  FormerNiceGuy 
#1 ·
My husband Beowulf suggested I post this question as we are in slight disagreement over this issue.

Also, I realize that I'm posting this in the infidelity section. I also realize the types of answers I might be getting. Truth is I may indeed want/need a good wake up call so let me have it.

I work at a fairly small school. A few of us are fortunate enough to be able to take lunch together. I tend not to eat much during lunch because I'd rather wait until I get home so I don't feel uncomfortable during the day. I'm also very petite so my coworkers are always trying to get me to eat something.

A little while ago a man came to work at our school. He used to be a chef and in fact owned his own restaurant. He is recently divorced and says his wife cheated on him. He sometimes takes his lunch with me and my little group. He brings in food from home. Food he has made and because he was a chef it is always very good. When he offers some to the group I always take some. Recently a coworker made a comment when another friend offered me something to eat during lunch. She said, "I bet if it was Nick offering you food you'd take it huh?" I really didn't think of it at all but when my husband came home and I told him what she had said he feels she was trying to tell me something. He says this and other things I've mentioned before indicate that this guy is trying to get close to me. He tends to sit next to me. He has talked to me about his personal life a little. Sometimes when I'm struggling to carry something he runs over and helps me. He says that by me accepting food from him all the time and interacting like I do I may be sending him signals. I don't see it that way at all. What is the general feeling here? Is Beowulf right? Am I unknowingly sending signals? Is this guy maybe trying to get closer to me than I should allow.
 
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#4 ·
No, my colleague is right but not because of who is offering the food. Its because he was a chef and the food is very good. I don't eat a lot but when something is good I will eat it. When the others in our group offer me something its usually chips, or cookies or something prepackaged. If its homemade and good I might take some. I don't think its because of Nick that I take food when he offers but its because what he makes is tasty and not the usual lunch fare.
 
#8 ·
I'm reading not Just friends (actually I think Beowulf post suggested it?) but IMO too it sounds like he is more testing you-like putting out feelers or to see if you respond? Maybe since you now are aware it could be easier to sway the other direction. If others "see it" then I bet its happening.
I had a co-worker who was was 20 years older than me and I saw him as a father figure. When he made a pass to kiss me I was appalled and never talked again. NOW after reading this book I did give off all the signs and didn't realize it? I sort of feel bad I was so mean and horrible to him after that!
 
#91 ·
Wife and I are doing the same and the book describes almost exactly how insidiously her affair came to pass. I think many women are naively unaware how easy it is send men 'buying' signals, how equally easy it is for flattery from the attention to breakdown marital boundaries, and then develop inappropriate attachments which, unchecked, will surely develop into full-blown affairs. Dr Glass made it pretty clear that even healthy and satisfying marriages are not immune from these sequence of events. I absolutely agree with her that having well defined personal and professional boundaries is one of the keys to affair-proofing your marriage.
 
#11 ·
That is very possible and that is what worries me. I don't want to send our signals that I'm interested in him at all. And I certainly don't want to make Beowulf uncomfortable. I wonder if there is any way I can have him drop off lunch to me without me seeing him. lol
 
#13 ·
I don't think its fair to say that you are sending signals. It is entirely possible that you are not seeing the signals that he is sending, though, when you compare them to the lack of such behavior between him and other women. Unfortunately, you can be sending no signals whatsoever, and some men will try to interpret it as a signal, because that is what they want it to be. Sorry, but some men are like that. So, if a man tends to be focusing his attention on you more than others, and another person notices, they'll make a deal out of it. My wife has struggled with this before, and had to be more guarded when she noticed that another man was singling her out.
 
#14 ·
I don't think you did anything intentionally. Sometimes you just can't be nice/friendly with people or they think you want something more. Even women can get weird about friendships.

I agree with your husband that Nick is fishing for your attention and has something for you.

You cannot control him. But you can control yourself. Just pull back ;) It's all good.

I'm a teacher too and you do get close to colleagues. My whole grade level is men. I work with 3 men who are amazing teachers. We only talk about work and our students and sometimes our kids at home/spouses. but...I don't get those vibes from them because I don't send those vibes out. They are great men. I love my grade level. I just don't spend more time with one than the other.
 
#17 ·
I don't think you did anything intentionally. Sometimes you just can't be nice/friendly with people or they think you want something more. Even women can get weird about friendships.

I agree with your husband that Nick is fishing for your attention and has something for you.

You cannot control him. But you can control yourself. Just pull back ;) It's all good.
So true...I once got close with a woman whose son played on a team with mine. She got invasive. One time, she called, and I was on my way out so I didn't pick up. Between my home phone and my cell, she called me over 40 fricken times...And I'm pretty sure she cruised by my house, as well.
 
#19 ·
That's a good question. I'm having a hard time answering it. I don't interact one on one with him other than when he holds a door open for me if I'm carrying something. All our other interactions are with the group. So I never gave it any thought until my coworker said that. Even then I really wasn't sure what she meant until Beowulf told me what he thought it meant. My reaction was "no way....you think?" I don't think its crossed Beowulf's boundary or he would have been more adamant about his feelings. Its more like he just wants me to be more aware of what may be happening.

I know for a fact that he is blatantly hitting on one of the school secretaries. She's married with two kids. It's disgusting. I haven't seen him getting close with anyone in our group but until recently I didn't think he was trying to get close to me either. For my coworker to say that though it must be somewhat obvious to everyone but me that he is paying me more attention right? Grr, I hate this stuff. Why can't people come with a sign on their heads indicating what's going on inside.
 
#18 ·
Yea! I plug my husband in there. They know I'm a good wife. ;)

But yea, women can get WEIRD too!! I was close with a female teacher a few years ago (grade level then) and she got JEALOUS when I got a boyfriend (she was married) and stalked me! :eek: I'd run into her at the gym o_O, the market o_O...she'd call me so much and get mad when I didn't answer.

Wooo!!! people are whack, yo.
 
#20 ·
One other thing......I strongly believe in realistic boundaries in a marriage. Being that you accepted food from this man in a setting where other people where present............maybe not so wrong, but things COULD be implied by others from afar.

What if the situation presented itself where you just happened to take lunch and you two were the only ones present?? Could turn into an uncomfortable situation.............
 
#22 ·
I would never do that but having read here a while I already know how that sounds, lol.

What I'm really upset about is that this has got to be triggering Beowulf. I know my affair didn't occur at work but this has to be on his mind now. Looks like I'll be doing a lot of "comforting" this weekend. I'd better shave my legs and underarms again.
 
#23 ·
He tends to sit next to me. He has talked to me about his personal life a little. Sometimes when I'm struggling to carry something he runs over and helps me.
Have you read Not Just Friends?. A man sharing his personal life with a married woman is always a potentially dangerous sign. Most affairs start innocently enough (you know this for a fact). He may turn out to be simply a nice guy but still do not allow yourself to be alone with this man or allow him to get "emotionally naked" with you. Just like driving defensively is always a wise choice, so is keeping marital boundaries.
 
#28 ·
I have read the book but it was a while ago. I think I need to take it out and read it again. When he talked about his personal life it was in front of the group but maybe he was really talking to me. I wouldn't have thought it at the time but looking back...maybe. Looks like I'll have to start mentally pushing him away so that hopefully I stop sending signals or start sending the right ones. Ahhhh.

Its going to be hard to give up that food though. What that man can do with leftover chicken is criminal.
 
#25 ·
The biggest indicator to me is your co-workers picking up on it.

First EAs can start just by having needs met. You are happy to see them and they you. Innocent enough it seems. But I suggest that without you being conscious of it that it is much about your body language than anything else. Those are signals.

We notice when a woman "lights up" in the presence of a man. They glow, there is tossing of the hair, a way of smiling and looking at someone.

So how much do you look forward to seeing the chef? Are you disappointed when they are not there? These can be very subtle things. It is common for others to notice before we do. We just feel ok about things. They are just a friend after all. On the one hand it would seem that there is nothing really wrong with feeling good about a friend. But the chemicals can get working, Oxytocin and Dopamine and before we know it things start moving towards inappropriate behavior.

He is sharing information about his marriage. Have you?

Also as suggested it may not be the signals you are sending but the ones you are not.

Also at play is this man's personality. He may just be a certain way, is attracted to you and enjoys being with you. You are meeting some of his needs no doubt.

So now you have a co-workers comments, your husbands concerns and are posting on a marriage forum.

Be aware that I was caught up in a workplace EA which others no doubt noticed including my wife. I was hiding nothing. I had nothing to hide. We had just grown close and were becoming very good friends. I ended up having to quit my job to go NC and I did not truly realize it was an EA until I was deep into withdrawal. I was absolutely sure that is was all about friendship. Much of it was, BUT, the chemicals ahd done their job. We were meeting needs for each other. We were just happy to around one another and something was missing when we were not. Just saying it can lead down that road. The road is much shorter than most folks realize.

Anyway, you might eant to try to chill this relationship. You may then notice that he turns up the heat and then you will know. You may find it difficult to do this. That will tell you a lot.
 
#30 ·
Beowulf has always had better boundaries than me. I don't even question that. I'm always the one who lets people get too close and have to watch myself. I didn't have good role models growing up so I've had to learn about boundaries as an adult. Honestly, knowing Beowulf I wouldn't worry. He's pretty aware of himself and others. But I do get your point.
 
#27 ·
What things did he share about his personal life?

I know personal things about the men I work with. One has an autistic son that he works with for 2 hours a night in therapy. One has a mother with alzheimers so badly, she tried to stab him one night-- thinking he was a burglar. The other guy ....i don't know much other than he is single and was a middle school teacher for 20 years.
I mean, people talk. They know about my family and my kids...I have to tell them because my husband and family come first--- so I don't stay after school. I can't meet on weekends, etc.

So what personal information is off limits (other than sex life)? I'm just curious, myself.
 
#33 ·
Mostly about his ex wife, his kids, his divorce and his defunct restaurant. He said he was working lots of hours to get his place established and his wife was spending lots of his money on luxuries. After a while he found out she was sleeping with a guy where she worked. She blamed him for working too much. He's also told us (me) about the divorce, the custody battle, the money split, the house having to be sold. And he's told us (me) about times he's gone out "on the town."

I've never talked about my personal life other than what I usually would to the group. Maybe its possible he's feeling closer to me because he learned about me that way?
 
#32 ·
EASY ONE!

Stop accepting his offers of food. If he tries to start a conversation with you about personal things, bring up a conversation about what a great weekend you had with your hubby and what a great guy he is!

You may not be sending the wrong signals but this guy is definitely probbing for possibilities
 
#34 ·
I heard once that men interpret the actions of other men much differently than women, because they know how men think and we don't. This is the reason men are so tough when boys start coming around to visit their daughters!

That being said, you work with this person so you have to be careful to handle it in a professional, yet matter-of-fact and friendly way. While I don't feel you have done anything wrong, you may need to speak up. It doesn't have to be weird or uncomfortable...

Remember that you can't stop people from trying to sell you something.....but you can definitely decide what to buy!

For me, EVERYONE knows I am gaga over my H. Once my mom ordered pizza and everyone was practically fainting over the looks of the delivery guy....I just sighed and said, "He is almost as beautiful as my husband."

A few comments like this within earshot of this male fellow at work ought to do the trick if he secretly is harboring any fantasy of a tryst with you.
 
#37 ·
I've been lunching with my friends for so long that I don't often talk about Beowulf that much. I certainly don't say anything negative about him. If I talk about the weekend I don't say "had a great weekend with Beowulf" I just say "had a great weekend" because my friends know it was with my husband. I'll have to become more aware of including Beowulf in any future discussions. Especially since its obvious my coworker is picking up on something. I don't want anyone at work to think I have interest in Nick. His food yes, him NO. Maybe Beowulf is not meeting my need for gourmet. Is that in Dr. Harley's book. It should be.
 
#35 ·
Yea, he shared a lot. I could see talking about the restaurant, cause that's interesting! but the other stuff....yea..if you didn't ask, he shouldn't offer. You're not a therapist. He just wanted you to know he was available AND that he was the victim. Awww poor guy :rofl: :rolleyes:
 
#42 ·
Morrigan,

I am glad you posted. Not only should you shave your legs and pits but I think a gift certificate for a gourmet cooking class for Beowulf should be presented soon.:smthumbup:

Just so he can be your all and give you chicken just the way you like it.

Keep being honest with yourself and your spouse. It is all we can really do......

HM64
 
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