Head in the sand?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Head in the sand?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-23-2012, 08:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Head in the sand?

My husband Beowulf suggested I post this question as we are in slight disagreement over this issue.

Also, I realize that I'm posting this in the infidelity section. I also realize the types of answers I might be getting. Truth is I may indeed want/need a good wake up call so let me have it.

I work at a fairly small school. A few of us are fortunate enough to be able to take lunch together. I tend not to eat much during lunch because I'd rather wait until I get home so I don't feel uncomfortable during the day. I'm also very petite so my coworkers are always trying to get me to eat something.

A little while ago a man came to work at our school. He used to be a chef and in fact owned his own restaurant. He is recently divorced and says his wife cheated on him. He sometimes takes his lunch with me and my little group. He brings in food from home. Food he has made and because he was a chef it is always very good. When he offers some to the group I always take some. Recently a coworker made a comment when another friend offered me something to eat during lunch. She said, "I bet if it was Nick offering you food you'd take it huh?" I really didn't think of it at all but when my husband came home and I told him what she had said he feels she was trying to tell me something. He says this and other things I've mentioned before indicate that this guy is trying to get close to me. He tends to sit next to me. He has talked to me about his personal life a little. Sometimes when I'm struggling to carry something he runs over and helps me. He says that by me accepting food from him all the time and interacting like I do I may be sending him signals. I don't see it that way at all. What is the general feeling here? Is Beowulf right? Am I unknowingly sending signals? Is this guy maybe trying to get closer to me than I should allow.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Beowulf is right, IMO.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Is your colleague not right when they say "I bet if it was Nick offering you food you'd take it huh?"?
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

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Is your colleague not right when they say "I bet if it was Nick offering you food you'd take it huh?"?
No, my colleague is right but not because of who is offering the food. Its because he was a chef and the food is very good. I don't eat a lot but when something is good I will eat it. When the others in our group offer me something its usually chips, or cookies or something prepackaged. If its homemade and good I might take some. I don't think its because of Nick that I take food when he offers but its because what he makes is tasty and not the usual lunch fare.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Way back when I was single, I knew(*) that if a girl accepts me paying for her meal on a date, she is DTF.



(*) Yes I was young and arrogant generalizing like that. Still, there was never a case to the contrary.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Beowolf is right. You're leading him on. Have your husband come to a lunch. Let him see you passionately kiss your husband, Hello and goodbye. That should be enough of a message. One thing for sure, if the special lunches stop, you know what he was thinking.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

You should respect the boundaries. In this case, your husband is not comfortable.

I wish and hope you will see the concern.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

I'm reading not Just friends (actually I think Beowulf post suggested it?) but IMO too it sounds like he is more testing you-like putting out feelers or to see if you respond? Maybe since you now are aware it could be easier to sway the other direction. If others "see it" then I bet its happening.
I had a co-worker who was was 20 years older than me and I saw him as a father figure. When he made a pass to kiss me I was appalled and never talked again. NOW after reading this book I did give off all the signs and didn't realize it? I sort of feel bad I was so mean and horrible to him after that!
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Perhaps it is less about the signals you are sending, and more about the signals you are not sending. Is it possible that you are too comfortable with the idea that he is just a nice co-worker so not viewing him as hitting on you? Because of that, you are not sending the signals indicating that you are not available?
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Why should you let someone to think about coming close to you? Why should he (the chef) confide in you? Does he confide in others in the school?
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

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Perhaps it is less about the signals you are sending, and more about the signals you are not sending. Is it possible that you are too comfortable with the idea that he is just a nice co-worker so not viewing him as hitting on you? Because of that, you are not sending the signals indicating that you are not available?
That is very possible and that is what worries me. I don't want to send our signals that I'm interested in him at all. And I certainly don't want to make Beowulf uncomfortable. I wonder if there is any way I can have him drop off lunch to me without me seeing him. lol
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

If the coworkers are picking up on it, then I'd be careful to quash this man's interest. And never mind being afraid to appear rude; your husband is priority.

As we know, these things all start off soooo innocently.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

I don't think its fair to say that you are sending signals. It is entirely possible that you are not seeing the signals that he is sending, though, when you compare them to the lack of such behavior between him and other women. Unfortunately, you can be sending no signals whatsoever, and some men will try to interpret it as a signal, because that is what they want it to be. Sorry, but some men are like that. So, if a man tends to be focusing his attention on you more than others, and another person notices, they'll make a deal out of it. My wife has struggled with this before, and had to be more guarded when she noticed that another man was singling her out.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:02 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

I don't think you did anything intentionally. Sometimes you just can't be nice/friendly with people or they think you want something more. Even women can get weird about friendships.

I agree with your husband that Nick is fishing for your attention and has something for you.

You cannot control him. But you can control yourself. Just pull back It's all good.

I'm a teacher too and you do get close to colleagues. My whole grade level is men. I work with 3 men who are amazing teachers. We only talk about work and our students and sometimes our kids at home/spouses. but...I don't get those vibes from them because I don't send those vibes out. They are great men. I love my grade level. I just don't spend more time with one than the other.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Head in the sand?

Has this guy crossed your Boundary? has he crossed Beowulfs?, can you let him know that he is maybe trying to get a little to close,without offending him...is he getting close with your other co-wokers? or just singling you out each time?
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