It would be wrong for her to do it while she does not feel it.
If this is the case then screw the marriage. Why the hell stay in a marriage and hope things will work out if one person doesn't have feelings for the other person.
Oh but MAYBE and by some miracle it'll just happen, F that. Cut your losses and run IMO.
If the WS can't reconnect or is unwilling to and just going through the motions, screw them. They can go and jump off a bridge (which I should have done also).
F the cheater, if later on they finally see the light they can go back and ask if there is a chance at getting back together again. But most of the time at that point the BS would rather shove the bird in their face and slam the door on them.
And my marriage was great on both sides. Nothing was broken aside from the fact that I was young and horny and couldn't keep my pants on. Some people are just a-holes and that's a fact. It's about me and the F with everyone else because I take care of myself 1st.
You put on the kiddie gloves and I'll beat you senseless and that's what I did to my wife when she was begging and pleading (not physically beat her but emotionally). It wasn't until she grabbed a 2x4 and beat me over the head with it that I finally woke up.
I think she should want to do all those things and more to keep me. I feel my being here still after the 3 yr affair is showing her plenty of love.
If you hope to go forward in your relationship, you can't guilt trip her - it doesn't help. (The above quote says you're doing that.) You have both behaved poorly. Both of you need to look at how your own actions got you here - and how they are keeping you here. If you're going to be a team again, each of you need to start looking at how you've let the other one down. Then you need to change it. Keeping her in the doghouse won't help. It also won't help to come here for confirmation that she did you wrong. Look - she said she didn't feel loved...well, that ball's in your court. You can fix that.
I really commend you for being willing to work on this - ditto for her. Both of you have admitted to mistakes; it speaks highly of you both for continuing. This is an opportunity to rebuild the relationship on a better footing, but it will take the best parts of both of you to do it. Expect better behavior from her, and demand better behavior from yourself.
Yea, as hard as it is...she needs more time. Eventually everything will hit her like a ton of bricks. Keep doing your thing in the mean time.
3 years is a lot of pain to get over. You should ask yourself if you can really forgive her for everything she's done? Impossible to move forward while you're still holding on to anger and resentment (rightly so). Forgiving something like this takes an extremely strong person. So do it for the right reasons, not just the kids.
Don't get me wrong, I think sex is an essential part of marriage. However, with your recent trauma, it may not be the most essential component. I think that you are both ambivalent as to whether to continue the relationship. That is not conducive to good sex. In my case, it took me years to start to trust her. During that time, when I made love to my wife, I had to fantasize about someone else to even get off. This has improved over time. So don't expect your sex to be making love at this point. Give it some time, maybe a lot of time.
You say you are 2 months in to R. How long has NC been for? What have you done to assure that NC is still in place. Do not assume that because you have exposed her affair to everyone and she says she hasn't contacted the OM that she is telling the truth. Look at all the famous people who lost important positions and million dollar jobs over affairs. You can't use logic to judge someone in an affair. 3 years is an awfully long time, its almost a second marriage. I would have difficulty believing that she can go NC cold turkey. Is it possible she's just laying low until she thinks you are not watching and then she'll start up again? I would think that would prevent her from emotionally reinvesting with you. I think her level of intimacy with you should not be your main concern right now.
The input here certainly runs the gambit. Am I a fool for not kicking her to the curb, perhaps. But I promised myself I would give her some time, maybe 3-6 months before I made any big decisions. I figured I owed my children that. Will I leave, maybe. But for now I have chosen to pursue R. So that is where I am.
I have worked to validate NC- VAR, email, etc. She quit her job this week as well (very high paying and prestigious) to take a lesser position to accommodate me. Ultimately, I believe though, for this to work, I have to give up the spying. What is the point really, she can create more email accounts if she wanted to. We have a strong MC who is guiding us and she (MC) has been very helpful.
I understand the posts about guilting her into it. Thanks for those and the other insightful posts. I may be the biggest fool in the world, but at the end of the day, I am willing to sacrifice all of my pride if it means a chance at more time with my kids and the chance, no matter how slim, of us rebuilding our family. She knows if I catch her in 1 lie, no matter how small it is over. If she relapses or whatever its called, I will find out and it will be done. I will know then as well that I did all I could and she failed us. We (the BS) can only do so much.
Thanks again for the comments- I have learned and continue to learn so much from this forum. I keep thinking this will get easier...it is only getting more difficult.
A marriage is 50/50 and I think you should be trying to take care of her needs as well. You said she's doing everything else she asks to R with you. What's the problem with showing her you love her?
Just trying to help with my .02
She cheated for 3 years. Isn't staying w/ her after her dumping piles of crap on him evidence enuf that he's showing his love? The rational person MIGHT be willing to take the cheater back, but the cheater had better be sorry for what they did and had better show remorse. Most people would not be as gracious as this man and would have kicked her to the curb.
She thinks I should be happy to be getting it regularly.
This is a problem. Sex shouldn't be a privilege in a marriage/relationship. It shoudn't be a commodity. She shouldn't think that she is doing you a favor by offering sex..This destroys relationships as it is without adding the infidelity.
She says mentally she is not there b/c I am not showing her love, she is doing most of the work. I think she should want to do all those things and more to keep me. I feel my being here still after the 3 yr affair is showing her plenty of love.
What do you all think? Is she still connected to him? She says it had been "over" for awhile and she has no feelings for OM. I am not so sure.
If you are talking about specific physical acts she did with the other man but won't do with you, I see your point and agree with you. If you are talking about displaying the same amount of passion, I think that will come with time as what she was getting from the other man is replaced with what she is getting from you.
I think you have to force yourself to show her more kindness at this point. If she is back and meeting your conditions, then you have to make the effort to treat her with love, affection, and kindness that is due any faithful wife. If she is being faithful now, you have to treat her as such as far as your love and affection go. You can still verify no contact by looking at her devices/accounts, checking her whereabouts, etc. These things should have been out in the open and never secret to begin with. But you must also rebuild your love. You both should be trying to win each other back. You have to fix what was wrong with your marriage, on both sides.
If you love her, show her that. If you don't, what's the point? If you show her love and she remains no contact with the other man, she will begin to show more passion to you.
I could be wrong, but I just got the sense from your post that you are still angry at her and are trying to punish her. While I understand those feelings given your situation, if you want to reconcile, you have to try to get over those feelings and forgive. You will never forget, but if you want to reconcile with your wife, you must forgive.
i also think if you are choosing to stay in the marriage you need to give also.
if you dont show her love and attention, it will prove in her mind that she was right in doing what she did and will probably lead her to do it again because she will think 'whats the point' if youre not going to show her as well.
she definitely has to carry the biggest part, but i dont think you can just sit back and do nothing because you are there and thats enough.
you have to show her that coming back and stopping the affair was the right choice.
i would still use the spying for a while, its too soon to give it up.
do you have a key logger?
that would show you if she is using new e-mails, at least on her computer.
i installed one on my personal lap top because my exw knew i had something on hers so she tried using mine with my consent thinking mine would be free of a key logger, she got caught using that tactic too.
if the kids are the only reason you are staying, my opinion is in the long run, that will do more damage than a divorce.
sex with her at this point is not a trigger. Thanks for all of the insight from everyone. I think I have been trying to punish her. I will make an effort to show her more that I lover her and see how that affects her. I do not have a key logger- her computer is a work computer so I cannot do that. With her new job, she will be getting a new phone, a personal phone so I will add a tracker to that when she gets the phone.