Confronting tonight
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-26-2012, 09:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Confronting tonight

So, I've lived with my head in the sand long enough. Despite my telling him that I saw his texts and he said "oh its nothing"- it isn't. Its all over FB and he does a half-ass job of hiding. Now my daughter found out and felt compelled to tell me. She wasn't snooping, and she wanted to protect me. Enough other crap has happened and the children are hurting. So I'm telling him tonight I want a divorce. Should I tell him our daughter knows of the EA and PA? The mom in me wants to protect her. But another part thinks he ought to know how much pain he has caused and that is why this marriage will not continuing.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

At this point you do not owe him anything, but you owe your daughter everything. You might want to ask her about what she is comfortable for you to communicate with him or not. She may prefer to be left entirely out of it.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

I note that your daughter has come to know of his A. Before confronting him, which is likely to be an unpleasant experience to you, discuss the possible outcomes with your daughter.
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Mindful Coach View Post
At this point you do not owe him anything, but you owe your daughter everything. You might want to ask her about what she is comfortable for you to communicate with him or not. She may prefer to be left entirely out of it.


Mindful is right on the money.
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Absolutely, tell him. Let him know what his daughter thinks of him now. Let him know that what because of what he's done, his daughter will be getting two messages on sexual promiscuity and marriage vows. First, vows mean nothing. Second, do what feels good regardless of who it hurts. Then thank him for modeling the behavior of what kind of man she may very well look for. A cheating scum bag like her dad. "Thanks for reducing the chances of our daughter living a normal life, bastard"
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Absolutely, tell him. Let him know what his daughter thinks of him now. Let him know that what because of what he's done, his daughter will be getting two messages on sexual promiscuity and marriage vows. First, vows mean nothing. Second, do what feels good regardless of who it hurts. Then thank him for modeling the behavior of what kind of man she may very well look for. A cheating scum bag like her dad. "Thanks for reducing the chances of our daughter living a normal life, bastard"
Thanks for your input. But I think that's a conversation I'll have with my daughter after the fact. She needs to hear from me that not all men behave this way. And I agree that my allegiance is solely with her now. Well, both my girls-I have a younger one who doesn't know this, but is painfully aware of the tensions in the house. I'm fairly certain she wants to be left out, and I can't blame her. I want to be left out. Now all I get is to be the strong one, again, while he runs away.
Thanks for everyone's response so quickly. I guess I'm not all alone afterall.
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

once a DS has passed a thresehold where the cheating becomes brazen, words mean jack squat. they alert him that he needs to be more careful, and give him an opportunity to do damage control.

when he allowed his transgressions to cross into your daughters world by flaunting them on facebook, he lost his "warning shot across the baugh".... Your way behind because you clung to your denial hoping this would go away. Its well past the stages where exposure or confrontation are effective...

Extreme measures are required here.

If there is no reconciling, and you are done... That's easy... He doesn't need or deserve the benefit of being informed. Align your defenses, get your cannons in place and blow the doors off his fantasy world. File. Let your lawyers notify him, drop the hammer. His actions are teaching your daughter a lesson, your actions will be teaching a counter lesson.

If your goal is reconcilation, the course of action becomes more cloudy. But, you have to provide that counter lesson regardingless. He needs consequences, painful ones. Your daughter needs a role model ("hero") and an example to follow... Give her one.
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

When you confront---be icy cold, calm, and collected---say what you have to say---and leave for a couple of hours, go visit someone---let him stew in the juices he has wrought for himself----

Show no emotion----do not argue, discuss---just state your piece, and leave----that will have the most impact---and it doesn't give a chance to argue, deny, or blameshift.
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

don't confront just get your duck lined up and leave.

why waste the breath.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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If you get divorced, everyone is hurt, expect your husband's OW.
Now they can come out to the light from hiding in the dark.

Just wanted to reminder you that. I think you should try marriage consulting, looking for professional help to find out the truth before watching an outside women destroyed your family.(of course your H is wrong too.)
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

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Originally Posted by abdo View Post
If you get divorced, everyone is hurt, expect your husband's OW.
Now they can come out to the light from hiding in the dark.

Just wanted to reminder you that. I think you should try marriage consulting, looking for professional help to find out the truth before watching an outside women destroyed your family.(of course your H is wrong too.)
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I appreciate your suggestion, but been there done that. We tried MC last year for his anger issues, lack of communication, lack of respect, parenting disagreement. After about two months he quit because he said he felt it was one big blame session. This marriage was done. Some OW isn't destroying it
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What a loser!! If divorce is the best solution, go for it!
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
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So I confronted him and left my daughter out of the conversation. I just told him he wasn't very careful about closing his FB account.
He said one nasty thing, then stopped. He didn't fight, or deny it. He also didn't apologize. There was no "lets work this out", or anything. He said he is planning to move to the other state (but didn't say with her and there's family there) and said he'll try to see the children when he can. Jerk. He hasn't been much of a father in the last four years and I don't see added distance making that much better.
I really think in his twisted mind, it is easier to run away from his responsibilities, and he's all about taking the easy way out. I said I would give him a few days to make plans before we tell the kids. Aren't I civilized. There's a big part of me that wants to burn everything he has out in the driveway. But I know that would just upset the kids, and now I'm all they've got.
Twenty-seven years of marriage and he didn't even try. I thought I would mean more to him than that.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:43 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

Time to slap him up with a financial support demand, before her runs out of state.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:45 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confronting tonight

Quote:
Originally Posted by abdo View Post
If you get divorced, everyone is hurt, expect your husband's OW.
Now they can come out to the light from hiding in the dark.

Just wanted to reminder you that. I think you should try marriage consulting, looking for professional help to find out the truth before watching an outside women destroyed your family.(of course your H is wrong too.)
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Please tell me you're joking.
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