Jumped to a hasty conclusion
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-26-2012, 02:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Jumped to a hasty conclusion

For those unfamiliar with the story, the bullet points:

-Wife had a couple of long-term EA's, and a very short-lived PA (more akin to a ONS, but seems funny to call it that since it happened in the middle of the day). DDay approx 1.75 yrs ago.
-False starts in R, but true R began about a year ago.
-W's best progress in R began in determining that she fit the criteria of a sex/love addict, and began attending SLAA meetings.
-Transparency on both our parts.
-She's become more aware of when her behavior runs the risk of slipping back into her old pattern, and has also requested I tell her in no uncertain terms when I think she's close to backsliding.

In November, she underwent a full hysterectomy. While her sex drive skyrocketed immediately after (during the time she was prohibited from "vigorous activity,") her hormones have now stabilized and her drive has crashed and burned...none whatsoever. Without thinking of it, my mind has drawn parallels to her previous low drive period, in the deepest part of her long-term EA. Due to car issues, she hasn't been able to get to her SLAA meetings for a few months. So, a bit o paranoia has set in on my part.

Last night, I'm putting laundry away, and come across a pair of men's boxer briefs, but not a brand that I have. Naturally, my first instinct is to think the worst. I ask her about them. She said she had no idea where they came from. I managed to not flip out. She suggested that, since my dad had come to visit from out of town the week before, maybe he'd left them behind and they got mixed in with our clothes. A quick exchange of texts with him determined that they were, indeed, his.

I know that fully recovering from an affair can take years. That doesn't make me any less upset at myself for immediately assuming the worst, nor at her for putting us in a situation where assuming the worst was my first instinct.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

Take care not to jump the gun in future.

How do you feel she reacted to your question?
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

Similar thing happened to my wife about a year post d day. We had all upgraded iPhones through my company and I had taken my mother's old 3S and put it in a drawer to use as a back up iPod for our son. My wife found it buried in a drawer, didn't recognize it and instantly thought "affair phone."

When someone punches you in the face it's normal to flinch a little afterwards.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I think I even posted something similar a couple of months ago when I found a text in his phone from November, from some woman I didn't know, consisting of her sending him her hotel room number. Turned out to be from Grey Cup weekend, someone we had both met and I was, shall we say, slightly tipsy and had totally forgotten she had invited us and everyone else at our table to her room to party.

My hubby attends SAA meetings and he is talking about not going every week, maybe once a month or something, because he 'feels good'. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I know I don't like it. It will come up in counseling tonight.

I don't feel guilty when I react like that. It's completely normal. How much of my feelings I let him see is under my control, but not the initial reaction. And I often don't share with him when I freak out, because it does always turn out to be nothing. But I think he does need to know the extent of the damage I underwent, and am still experiencing. I try to be matter of fact, and not freakish about it.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

At least on the surface, she handled it well. Didn't flip out. Kept calmly telling me she swore she didn't know where they came from. And, being the calmer of the two of us at the time, was able to rationally try to piece the mystery together.

I'm sure she was probably a bit upset at how I jumped straight to that conclusion, but I think she understands how/why I did. I told her that, in light of her current drive issues, coupled with being unable to attend her meetings for several months, I could understand (even if I wouldn't condone) her patterns trying to reassert themselves and make herself feel better by chasing the "high" again.

For my part, I apologized for jumping to that conclusion.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

I do not think that you need to apologize. Your wife had sex with another man behind your back less than two years ago. You had every right to question her.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

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I know that fully recovering from an affair can take years. That doesn't make me any less upset at myself for immediately assuming the worst, nor at her for putting us in a situation where assuming the worst was my first instinct.
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Unfortunately those echoes will continue for years. They still hit me on occasion. The positive, on the rare occasion something comes up that I question within myself or ask her about, has an equally or more logical explanation then jumping to a conclusion. I've used this as a gage when something doesn't quite click and have learned to look passed the paranoid thought process and back to alternatives. It does get easier.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

So, you made a mistake. Not a big one, under the circumstances, and certainly understandable. Re her sex drive, unless her ovaries were removed (which I think you implied), there should be no lasting hormonal change. If she is on ERT only, there may or may not be a lowering of the libido. There are are testosterone preparations available, which may be helpful sometimes. She should discuss this w/ her Dr. If she's not satisfied, find a reproductive endocrinologist, who has an interest in menopausal hormone replacement. Just remember, the biggest sex organ is the brain, so these things are very complicated.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

Honestly, my wife hasn`t had an affair and if I came across a pair of strange boxers in the wash I`m asking some pointed questions.

It is good you apologized (Not that you had to) because that kind of thing can be terrifying to a WS who is sincere and active in reconciliation.

The responsibility of having to explain a situation that you can`t possibly explain is very scary.
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So, you made a mistake. Not a big one, under the circumstances, and certainly understandable. Re her sex drive, unless her ovaries were removed (which I think you implied), there should be no lasting hormonal change. If she is on ERT only, there may or may not be a lowering of the libido. There are are testosterone preparations available, which may be helpful sometimes. She should discuss this w/ her Dr. If she's not satisfied, find a reproductive endocrinologist, who has an interest in menopausal hormone replacement. Just remember, the biggest sex organ is the brain, so these things are very complicated.
She hasn't begun any hormone therapy just yet. Her doc is waiting til her next appointment to see where things stand, rather than diving right in at her last appointment, which was shortly after surgery.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

I did a boneheaded move yesterday. Got really angry about something on her phone. I apologized several times. R is tough. But the problem is and I sent my WS a text this morning and in it I told her that she has caused this. I was not this type of person before. I did not fly off the handle, I was never paranoid, etc. I said I was wrong in getting angry and cursing and went to the wrong conclusion, but again I told her, that I was never like this before and you alone are the only one to blame.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

Triggers will happen and can be the death of us!

Glad you didn't flip out.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

Well from a truly remorseful cheater I'll tell you that these kind of events don't bother me in the least. Do I wish they didn't happen? Of course but as has been said - I earned it -and I accept that. I think most remorseful cheaters would feel the same.

My wife apologized when she found that phone and hit the panic button. I told her not to, that I earned it and then I apologized to her for putting the seed out doubt in her mind. It's just part of the deal when you cheat.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion

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At least on the surface, she handled it well. Didn't flip out. Kept calmly telling me she swore she didn't know where they came from. And, being the calmer of the two of us at the time, was able to rationally try to piece the mystery together.

I'm sure she was probably a bit upset at how I jumped straight to that conclusion, but I think she understands how/why I did. I told her that, in light of her current drive issues, coupled with being unable to attend her meetings for several months, I could understand (even if I wouldn't condone) her patterns trying to reassert themselves and make herself feel better by chasing the "high" again.

For my part, I apologized for jumping to that conclusion.
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OK. It was wrong to jump to a conclusion and assume the worst then react without considering other possible explanations.

However. Given her history you would be a fool not to consider the worst as a possibility.

Nice little balancing act that will go on for sometime to come. Maybe forever.

Moral of the story is be vigilant, don't react out of fear or anger, but, investigate possibilities calmly.
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:42 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jumped to a hasty conclusion



In case of BS, being pessimist is being realist.
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