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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-27-2012, 07:50 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

She's 24 and already been married and divorced. Obviousy shes got serious life experience under her skirt. Bottom line: She knew exactly what she was choosing to do when she chose to cheat. She deliberately and consciously chose to betray you and sleep with him. where was all this apparent love for you then? Sorry, but her tone doesn't at all reflect her actions.

Sure she's making big claims about all the changes she will make for you. Talk is very cheap. Have her show you, and show you for the next couple of years before you even consider a ring or kid.
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Old 03-27-2012, 07:50 AM   #77 (permalink)
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Run! And fast!

Her behavior will not change if you get married. I learned the hard way. My ex kept cheating on me after we married. Now he cheats on his current wife.

If you do not follow our advice, you'll most likely end up in a messy and expensive divorce. It's better to move on now rather then later.
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Old 03-27-2012, 07:55 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Keep in mind the ONLY positive you have here is she was up front with you and admitted to her (third) mistake. How do you know she wasn't found out and threatened with exposure? And if that didn't happen she'd still be screwing him?

Look. You don't have kids (please keep it that way until this thing sorts itself out). That is MASSIVE!!
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:05 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

OP, read this: Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Avoid investing more into failure just because you already sunk two years into it.
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:28 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
For the first time I find myself wishing an OP would get cheated on again. Seems a fourth or fifth time is what it would take to knock some sense into this guy.

Its really, really pathetic if you step back and look at it.
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I'm not sure why we are convincing as if it will benefit us. He is arguing as if "Why should I donate my entire money to this site?" and we are begging him to.

sadmaninvegas, why do we have to convince you not to stay in relationship or marry this woman? Why is it our problem?
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:54 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

There is no one who is as blind as one who refuses to see.
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:58 AM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Dude, by all means, marry the skank, and in a few short months or years, you will be back on this site or another, lamenting how your wife has cheated yet again. But, always remember that there were those who tried to give you good advice but you refused to listen, so any future problems you have are not her fault but your own.
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:40 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

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Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas View Post
No ****, you must of been hurt really bad or just have little faith in humans.

People are not perfect and everyone ****s up.
I want to learn how (if) I can help us work things out.
She has broken all faith is why you are hearing what you are hearing.

This is not f^ck-up. This is a premeditated series of serious unfaithfulness. Experience has shown folks that when a BS shows this type of faith they are putting themselves in a situation for a life of continual pain.

You are not married and you have no children. You were trying to have children and she had sex with another man. So the inference is that she was not on birth control.

Did they have unprotected sex? Like it or not she was willing to take the risk of getting impregnated by this other dude.

I have faith in my wife. She has earned it. We have grown children.

I have a lot of faith in human beings in that there are an endless number of women who will not cheat on you. You have selected one who is willing to cuckhold you.

Just forgiving her is a display of low value on your part. So you are in a very deep hole. I suggest you do both of you service by starting over again with someone else. She does not have the burden of making up the rest of her life for this round of f^ckup. But she has shown that her character flaw is that she is willing to do this to a man like yourself.

Disrespect me once shame on you. Disrespect me twice shame on me. What you are suggesting is in many ways ethically wrong. Which is for folks to start suggesting you do this.

But your problem is you right now. How do you display high value to her? She saw this other guy as a more fit male to have sex with. How do you change you so that she will respect you? She does not now. Taking her back after she humiliated you in this manner is a huge drop in value of you. You look at it as noble and strong but she sees you as weak. This is not a conscious thing. No man of value is going to allow this without her doing some very heavy lifting. Again it might be different if you had been married for ten years and she was totally faithful prior. And you had children together. Going forward if you have children you will have to wonder who the father is. Tough love buddy.

Do His Needs Her Needs with her and especially the boundary setting. Als start reading www.marriedmansexlife.com.

If you do try for R you should not have a child with here now.

But again there are a lot of other women out there who would not do this to you and would love to be loved. Some people however have to learn by going through hell on their own.

A smart person learns from thier mistakes. A very smart person learns from other mistakes. YMMV.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-27-2012 at 10:52 AM.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:36 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
I don't think you understand that your relationship was not on solid ground before she cheated. It's not like she was so in love with you, and loved you so much, and then just cheated out of the blue accidentally. Nobody does that.

She cheated for a reason - she's not IN this relationship in the same way you are, she exited the relationship to be with someone else, and if she had been so in love with you and if she had loved you and wanted a warm, wonderful relationship with you that never ever would have happened.

When someone cheats two years into a relationship, that is a sign that the relationship isn't working. It's not solid. It's not built on anything solid. There are major problems there.

So it's not just that you need to figure out how to get over this, it's also that you both need to be honest about what was not working between you even before the cheating.

And she isn't being honest with you, not entirely. WHY did she cheat when you're talking about marriage and actively trying to have a baby? She had feelings for her friend....uh-huh, and why would that happen? Why did she turn to her friend instead of you? Because there were problems between you. And problems that SHE has - they are called "issues" and we carry them into every relationship and they cause us to screw it up until we deal with it. She is self-sabotaging in order to get out of this relationship with you. That's why she told you about the cheating.

Love, as wonderful and amazing as it is, does not conquer all.
Excellent post.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:16 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

I think some people just need to learn the hard way to get the point across.
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:11 PM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

I think he needs time to digest the advice he has been given. Nevertheless, he's got a golden opportunity to cut ties and move on with his life and possibly find a woman who truly values fidelity.
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Old 03-27-2012, 02:18 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas View Post
6 years ago I was a cheater, and now I have been with this girl for about 3 years.

Never have I cheated on her, and I still would not.

People changes, I also know what its feels like to cheat on someone you love.

I have done that once and I felt bad. . I felt really bad!

So people do change and people can feel bad.
Looks like the Karma bus was a 4 cylinder. It just took a little longer to reach your stop.
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Old 03-27-2012, 03:43 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Can there ever be trust again?
Answers will vary, so I can only answer for myself: NO, there can never be trust again. EVER. I don’t care how much R has been involved, there would ALWAYS be that nagging feeling in the back of my head, wondering…..”Is she REALLY at the market right now?”

Will I ever believe she loves me again.
I’m not sure what your definition of love is. If you define love as violating the trust of your partner and f’ing someone else, multiple times, when trying to procreate with orignial partner….then yes, I am certain you will receive LOTS of love thought the remainder of your relationship. If you define love more along the lines of trust, respect, and the connection that those two emotions bring about….then I can’t say. She certainly hasn’t demonstrated (from what you have posted) and sort of feelings of love, so why would you expect it to magically happen? It sounds to me that you can’t differentiate between the feelings of LUST (usually what we WANT to see) and Love (unconditionally what IS….or in this case, is not), because a person who loves you doesn’t cheat on you 3 times.

I cant walk away from family like that and everyone has f’ed up at some point.

Yes, people f up frequently. But f’ing someone else is not an f’up: it’s an INTENTIONAL act of cruelty (towards you), betrayal (also towards you, but also towards herself), and hatefulness (also directed towards you). Over correcting on a turn and slamming into a tree is f’ing up. Miscalculating your taxes and owing the government is f’ing up. Misreading a work order and messing up a job is f’ing up. F’ing someone outside of your relationship is an intentional choice. Do you see the differences?

I am a long time lurker on TAM and it always hits me how many BS’s act like physically abused spouses that enable their spouses abuse in relationships (and I suppose, in a manner of speaking, they HAVE been abused and violated). When you ask an abused spouse like this why they would stay with someone who physically, verbally, and mentally abuses then; who send them to a hospital on a monthly basis; you will often hear “Because they LOOOOVVVVEEEE me” or “Because I LOOOOOVVVEEEE them”. I want you to take a step back and dwell on that. What kind of person “loves” an individual who treats them like absolute garbage? Doormats my friend. Doormats. Decide right now if you are a doormat or a man; I think that’s about as simplistic as it can get in a relationship in which you have no children and aren’t even married.

You are a 28 year old man living in Las Vegas for gods sake. Are you telling me that the BEST you can get is some chick who f’s other men? As a frequent visitor to Vegas, I know that’s not true at all. And if that’s not true….why are you clinging onto this wh0re? Oh yeah….because you LOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEEE her ;-) Sorry to be harsh (but clearly, you need it).

For extra measure, and to drive the point home, let’s create a few examples using the OP’s logic:

OP: I am thinking of buying another car, but the three previous cars I bought all broke down within minutes of leaving the lot, leaving me financially devastated. Should I buy another car from the same lot? I LOVE the service manager over there.

OP: Man, I just got home from the market and opened up my 1 lb package of ground beef. Just like the last three times, it was spoiled rotten. I am thinking of going back to the market tomorrow and getting another LB of meat, because I LOVE their meat and their service department is AWESOME!

OP: I was just robbed, beaten, and raped in my own home, but the attacker says he has changed and says he won’t beat me or rape me if I invite him over for dinner tomorrow. I am thinking of having him over because people DO change….what do you think?


I hope this helps OP: FLEE IN TERROR FROM THIS WOMAN!
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:37 PM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

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Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas View Post
6 years ago I was a cheater
Did the other girl know you cheated on her?

And if she did, did she stay with your or kick you to the curb?

Yes we learn but I'm telling you SMIV, it's not an easy road to recover from. And it's a recovery that sometimes takes a lifetime on both sides.

You can move on with her and things can be great but the odds are just stacked because you have this one huge dark cloud that will always be around. You can always push it aside and think that you've gotten rid of it but it you look carefully it's always lurking in the distance and you hope that it'll stay there and won't start heading towards you.

15 years later for me and my wife (just this month was d-day so another year down) and it's been a hell of a ride so far. Overall very good and very great for the past couple of years but there were a couple of areas in between where it was touch and go.

So it is possible to move on and have a good life together again, are you willing to swallow your pride in the process of doing it though. Since I'm the cheater I didn't have to suck in my gut and take one for the team to make this work. I was given a 2nd chance but my wife on the other hand is the one who has to be able to push all that pain away and find a way to forgive me to make this work for the long run.

Just picture yourself in 5 or 10 years with kids. Are you gonna look back and smile because you see a beautiful wife and kids. Or are you gonna look back and have regrets. Even the smallest amount of regret/resentment will grow over the years so make sure what you're getting into.

You're gonna have to have a big heart like my wife and a couple others on this board to make this marriage work.

Cheaters have to do the heavy lifting but it's the BS that has to choke on alot of pain to make the marriage work again.
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Old 03-27-2012, 05:55 PM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Sadman, something came up last night while I was typing a response to you, so I left it incomplete. Once again, I think your simplest path lies with someone else.

So this all relates to the choice YOU are trying to make. It's a little weird to be writing this- normally I'm waxing sarcastic and obnoxious about betrayed partners who don't want to move on.

Okay. In order to rebuild trust, YOU are going to need a lot more structure in the relationship than you have right now. And the person who who will be most affected by the rules and regulations you will want to impose will be, of course, the girlfriend.

1) No more contact of any sort with the guy friend she had sex with. I explained this one previously.
2) Ditto for no more close guy friends, period. Even the harmless ones she hasn't had sex with.
3) Complete transparency. If you want to look at her phone / email / facebook / glovebox of her car / her side of the closet / read her diary, you get to do it. This is mainly to ensure that she isn't talking to some other guy, and to reassure you that you are the one she loves.
4) Bullsh*t on "late nights out." No Girls Night Out. No unexplained late nights out. If she goes out late, she is with YOU. Again, her being out and about late at night will cause you to wonder what she's doing, and if she loves you, she won't want you to wonder.
5) If the two of you have arguments, they must be settled between the two of you- no taking your dirty laundry outside the relationship. No "talking about our problems with my buddy, Greg Studmuffins." You two resolve your problems together.

If you can put these boundaries in place, and hold her to them, there is a chance that you can get back to "healthy" with her again, sometime in the future. I recommend "leading by example" on the things above- if you have some girl buddies, you might want to distance yourself from them, to prove that you're willing to give as good as you get.

Now, as far as moving on goes-

You know, you don't have to be a superior man, with formidable powers of concentration and a tight grip on his emotions, to break up with your gf over this and move on to someone else.

You just have to be an average guy, who has average self confidence, including the knowledge that you're going to muddle through life mostly okay.

You don't have to bend women to your will through your charm and wit. You just have to think well enough of yourself to require that a decent woman be loyal to you and not be real mean during the day-to-day stuff.

You don't have to have the rest of your life planned out in minute detail. You just have to know that tomorrow is going to come, and you're going to be okay on your own merits. You have to be "comfortable in your own skin."

If you want to put in the load of work its going to take to try and salvage your relationship, well, it's your life to live. But "fear of losing her" is a silly way to live life. You have it within you to move on, and for good reasons.
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