She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

MrQuatto · 03-27-2012, 08:32 PM

I think this one has run back to her without looking back. Best he could hope for woul dbe a prenup for BOTH of them. Seems like a cheatfest waiting to happen.

Q~

sadmaninvegas · 03-27-2012, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotLikeYou

Sadman, something came up last night while I was typing a response to you, so I left it incomplete. Once again, I think your simplest path lies with someone else.

So this all relates to the choice YOU are trying to make. It's a little weird to be writing this- normally I'm waxing sarcastic and obnoxious about betrayed partners who don't want to move on.

Okay. In order to rebuild trust, YOU are going to need a lot more structure in the relationship than you have right now. And the person who who will be most affected by the rules and regulations you will want to impose will be, of course, the girlfriend.

1) No more contact of any sort with the guy friend she had sex with. I explained this one previously.
2) Ditto for no more close guy friends, period. Even the harmless ones she hasn't had sex with.
3) Complete transparency. If you want to look at her phone / email / facebook / glovebox of her car / her side of the closet / read her diary, you get to do it. This is mainly to ensure that she isn't talking to some other guy, and to reassure you that you are the one she loves.
4) Bullsh*t on "late nights out." No Girls Night Out. No unexplained late nights out. If she goes out late, she is with YOU. Again, her being out and about late at night will cause you to wonder what she's doing, and if she loves you, she won't want you to wonder.
5) If the two of you have arguments, they must be settled between the two of you- no taking your dirty laundry outside the relationship. No "talking about our problems with my buddy, Greg Studmuffins." You two resolve your problems together.

If you can put these boundaries in place, and hold her to them, there is a chance that you can get back to "healthy" with her again, sometime in the future. I recommend "leading by example" on the things above- if you have some girl buddies, you might want to distance yourself from them, to prove that you're willing to give as good as you get.

Now, as far as moving on goes-

You know, you don't have to be a superior man, with formidable powers of concentration and a tight grip on his emotions, to break up with your gf over this and move on to someone else.

You just have to be an average guy, who has average self confidence, including the knowledge that you're going to muddle through life mostly okay.

You don't have to bend women to your will through your charm and wit. You just have to think well enough of yourself to require that a decent woman be loyal to you and not be real mean during the day-to-day stuff.

You don't have to have the rest of your life planned out in minute detail. You just have to know that tomorrow is going to come, and you're going to be okay on your own merits. You have to be "comfortable in your own skin."

If you want to put in the load of work its going to take to try and salvage your relationship, well, it's your life to live. But "fear of losing her" is a silly way to live life. You have it within you to move on, and for good reasons.

We have talked and before I say anything to anyone I want to thank you, I know what she did was very wrong and I know I should walk away. I also think I would find a girl that would never do this to me if I were to leave. I am not the best off in the world but I do ok and have my stuff together.

What it comes down to is were wanted to get married before any of this happened and have been trying to have a baby for 6 months now. So in my eyes she is my wife and I want to forgive her. I am trying to and trying to make it so I dont fight with her nonstop about this.

But as I said, her and I have talked. She knows for this to work she will have to do alot.

1: No male friends, she dropped them today and made sure with me before telling a few that I was ok with her telling them.

2: I get look at what I want and there is to no fighting about it.

3: We had problems before all this and we need to get that stuff out of the way, then leave it there in the past.

4: Be open! I never want to ask what are you thinking about or have you walk away. If something is on your mind, you must talk to me.

Eeven with that, I am not sure how things will turn out but it is a start. Yes I am still hurt and mad. But I am hopping with time we will be better.

To most everyone else, I love this girl, and to jsut flat out say she does not love me is not your call.
Do I doubt her love for me? Yes,
Do I know she has just done something that was so wrong I should walk away? YES
Could I find a girl that would never do this to me? I am sure of it!

But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better. I will not stand for this **** again, but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her.

Am I sure we will be together in 24hrs, no I dont know how long I can hold on but as long as I can I will get her a fighting chance to show me again why I love her.

Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.

adv · 03-27-2012, 08:35 PM

I loved "NotLikeYou"'s post but I especially agreed with the second half. Don't be afraid to lose your woman because as soon as you are, she owns you and then she can do whatever she wants to you.

I think you know what would be best for you but I think you're afraid of being alone.

Sometimes, some alone time can be the best way to clear your head and detach from a bad situation. It allows you to just do what you want and let your feelings process without the offender right in your face.

Also, as everyone else said, if she has this much disregard for you, you feelings, and your relationship before marriage, she will definitely not respect you if you marry her.

Best of luck.

MrQuatto · 03-27-2012, 08:35 PM

Then go for the prenup. with such a blantant fidelity issue before you even got married, it is not off base to ask. IF she is in love with you then she will agree. Set it up so she gets NOTHING if she cheats and the same on your part if YOU Cheat since you also have a history. It is more likley to work than anything else is.

Q~

the guy · 03-27-2012, 09:10 PM

I respect a guy who is willing to take risks, I also respect a man even more that takes calculated risks and comes out ahead.

Do you see any preventive maintence that you GF/W is doing in changing her lack of boundries and commitment issues?

One more thing, emotional risk is alot more costly then a finacial risk. Hard times you can get over and don't last for ever. An emotional scare can last a life time, if she does this again....especially when you were warned.

Count of Monte Cristo · 03-27-2012, 09:49 PM

I've known my wife since we were fourteen and in high school. We dated for a few years - broke up - and dated for a few months again in college. She was my first love and when she left me in 1983 for a former boyfriend I was devastated. I changed my major from Engineering to Art and transferred to a school closer to home. Eventually, I dropped out of college altogether and drifted for the next five years from one menial job to the next.

I finally got my act together and went back to school, got a great job with a major telecommunications company and earned my MBA by going to school at night. My SBTXW and I got back together at our 10-year high school reunion and would've been married nineteen years this year.

She knew how heartbroken I was when she left me in college and I just knew that she wouldn't inflict that kind of hurt on me again. Boy was I wrong! I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's very hard for a leopard to change her spots. Your girlfriend has already cheated on you and I have no doubt that she will do so again in the future if you marry her. Right now, you are doing everything to keep her but she's not the same person that you fell in love with (at least not the person that you thought she was.)

Cut your losses. Take some time to be alone and plan your future without her. If you choose to marry her, the hurt that you feel now will be ten times worse when she cheats on you.

bandit.45 · 03-27-2012, 09:57 PM

You are setting yourself up for a major as*kicking down the road. Your "wife" is defective. It's your life pal. Have at it.
Posted via Mobile Device

norajane · 03-27-2012, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas

But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better. I will not stand for this **** again, but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her.

Am I sure we will be together in 24hrs, no I dont know how long I can hold on but as long as I can I will get her a fighting chance to show me again why I love her.

Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.

Don't be so quick to make choices right now. You're still in shock, and you don't have to decide anything right now.

She needs to dig deep and be honest with you. During a time when she should have been most intimate and close with you - while you were trying for a baby and talking about marriage - she chose to push you away. She acted in such a way as to risk destroying your relationship. There is a part of her that does not want marriage and a baby with you, a part of her that took an opportunity to mess that up and throw it away.

And you need to try and see her for who she is, not who you think she is.

crossbar · 03-27-2012, 10:08 PM

Okay! Good luck!!!

I'll see ya on the seperated/divorcing sub-forum in the next year or two!!

Entropy3000 · 03-27-2012, 10:41 PM

All in just than 30 hours. UFB. This is amazing folks!

I am glad he took the advice ... oh wait.

sadmaninvegas · 03-27-2012, 10:44 PM

If you read what I said, I did say I can not say we will be together in 24hrs, I am saying I am looking to trust her again.

the guy · 03-27-2012, 11:27 PM

The rules have changed, now you can only trust by confirming. It will be up to her to do the heavy lifting in excepting that kind of transparentence and lack of privacy that will help you heal. Anything less will torment you until you move on.

We can only hope that your WW excepts this and helps you heal by giving her self completely back to you...with out secrets or resentment.

Shaggy · 03-28-2012, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas

If you read what I said, I did say I can not say we will be together in 24hrs, I am saying I am looking to trust her again.

She needs to earn that trust, not be given it.

What will happen is down the road she will try to negotiate her male friends and freedom back. Right new she's saying whatever she thinks will hook you back.

Like others have said a HUGE issue here is her fvcking others while working on a baby with you. That's biology telling you something. If her heart and body wanted you to the kids father a woman wouldn't be playing with that very dangerous choice. Her hormones would have driven her to be only with you. That isn't what went down, and you did very come close to raising another mans kid.

So wait a few YEARS before any baby and and ring. Even then have agree to a prenup because you have seen that she can cheat, and will cheat, and even run the risk of getting another mans baby. So this isnt a theoretical thing.
Posted via Mobile Device

snap · 03-28-2012, 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas

If you read what I said, I did say I can not say we will be together in 24hrs, I am saying I am looking to trust her again.

..no no no no NO! How can we explain you.. I dunno. Listen to him: NONONONO Cat - YouTube

DO NOT TRUST her, even if you are going to reconcile. You can live a respectful marriage together, perhaps, but blind trust has no place in your relationship.

Badblood · 03-28-2012, 03:11 AM

Sad Man (and you aren't nearly as sad as your going to be), I wish you luck , because , by God you're going to need it. There are people who simply will NOT listen to reason, and you are head of the list.