She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do. - Page 8
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree83Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-28-2012, 07:33 AM   #106 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: West Georgia
Posts: 284
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadmaninvegas View Post
She is worth the risk.
I'm wondering what she brings to the table that offsets her lack of loyalty. The following advice is coming from this wiser old man , hopefully no more than in the early winter of his life, thrice married, had multiple affairs in his early years (and I mean multiple) with married women. The way they treat you, whether they are loyal to you, and respect you has absolutely nothing to do with how much you love them, what you think of them, or how much you think they are worth. It's how much they love you and how much interest they have in you determines the quality of your end of the relationship. It's clear to me that your description of her extracurricular activities indicates she has little love, respect, or most important, interest in you. Sadman, based on what you're saying, you may have the satisfaction of living with her temporarily, as long you're willing to share her.
Fvstringpicker is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-28-2012, 08:32 AM   #107 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 495
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

You have received a lot of good advise here but you do not seem to want to take it. Read some of the old threads which have similar stories to yours.

They insisted they could change the person, it did not happen and they were back and saying "What do I do now?"

Maybe you like emotional pain because that is what you are opting for.

Old story that is relevant to some of the posters who do not want to take advise:

"There was word that a flood was coming the police went door to door and told a man that he had to leave. The man said "No, I prayed to God, and he would save me."

The water raised up and a boat came by, the people begged the man to get into the boat. The man said "No, I prayed to God, and he would save me."

The water raised up to the roof and the man was on the roof. A helicopter came by and begged the man to get into the helicopter. The man said "No, I prayed to God, and he would save me."

The water continued to raise and the man drowned. The man went up to God and said " God I prayed to you and you did not save me, Why?" God said: "I sent you a policeman, a boat, and a helicopter and everytime you rejected my help. You are responsible when you do not take the help offered."
rrrbbbttt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2012, 11:56 AM   #108 (permalink)
Member
 
KirkSpock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 68
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

I know what she did was very wrong and I know I should walk away.
This is the first sensible thing you have posted in this thread. Read and re-read the above sentence you wrote over and over again to yourself, for as long as it takes, to truly sink in.

I also think I would find a girl that would never do this to me if I were to leave.
F’ing sweet, I can see a glimmer of a backbone! AWESOME.

What it comes down to is were wanted to get married before any of this happened and have been trying to have a baby for 6 months now.
BS. If you wanted to get married, you would be married. I am in Las Vegas 6 or 7 times out of the year, sometimes more; my wife and I were considering eloping to Las Vegas for our marriage because it is so damn cheap and easy to get married there. Hell you don’t even need a ceremony, just a quick visit to the County Clerk and a few bucks. I repeat: if you wanted to be married, you would already be married. BUT MAYBE I AM WRONG…what compelling reasons have prevented you from getting married? You know….other than the massive betrayal this woman has engaged in?
So in my eyes she is my wife and I want to forgive her. I am trying to and trying to make it so I dont fight with her nonstop about this.
In your eyes she is your wife….hmm. Interesting. What qualities does she possess or display that make her a wife in your eyes? Because f’ing other men is quite possibly the exact opposite of what a wife is supposed to be doing. And having fear of getting into a fight by discussing a terrible betrayal with someone who you hold as high as your wife…also doesn’t sound like a marriage (or a relationship worth being in).

But as I said, her and I have talked. She knows for this to work she will have to do alot.

1: No male friends, she dropped them today and made sure with me before telling a few that I was ok with her telling them.

A good first step. Did she write a NC letter in front of you and send it off? Or are you relying on the word of a liar?

2: I get look at what I want and there is to no fighting about it.
Excellent. Did you look at her FB/Phone/Email (well, the email addys she told you about anyway, and the phone you know about, and the FB that she told you about) as soon as she agreed to this point? Have you installed a keylogger on her computer or viewed her backed up text messages to confirm that what she is showing you is up-to-date and has not been tampered with?

3: We had problems before all this and we need to get that stuff out of the way, then leave it there in the past.
Leave it in the past? That's not possible, nor healthy. That's kind of like a judge telling the jury to disregard something that was said: it's impossible to un-hear something. You must be in quite a thick fog if you think you can just forgive and forget. Even those that have gone through this in a real marraige, who have forgiven their spouse, never forget (and those that try to usually get bitten in the a$$ later on. But don't take MY word for it...just read the numerous threads on this forum to confirm what I have said). So you had problems before the affair, problems during the affair, and problems now. And you want to marry and have children with this person……why exactly? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you feel that so many problems before marriage is a GOOD SIGN? Would you advise your future child to date/marry someone who cheats on them repeatedly before ever getting married? WOW, just….wow.


4: Be open! I never want to ask what are you thinking about or have you walk away. If something is on your mind, you must talk to me.
No to be crass, but she has been open, VERY open….like, spread eagle open……just with another man. Your response has been......well, rather lacking I would say. What, in your mind, has shocked her into being open? She got away with this without ANY consequences....what motivation would she have for being more open, when really it seems you are driving her to be more careful about hiding things?

Even with that, I am not sure how things will turn out but it is a start. Yes I am still hurt and mad. But I am hopping with time we will be better.

Interesting. Because things didn’t get better when you were fighting before all of this. What could possibly be going through your mind that makes you think *this* time will be different? You know what Einstein said about insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results?

To most everyone else, I love this girl, and to just flat out say she does not love me is not your call.
Of course it’s not our call, it’s YOUR CALL. But you have come here and asked for advice, and I can only speak for myself, but my advice to you is that I think you need to reevaluate your definition of LOVE. Clearly, someone who loves you would not treat you like absolute crap. Again, you mention trying to have children…how would you counsel your future daughter if her BF treated her like this? Would you say “Don’t worry about it, you love each other and it will work out. In fact,t ry having a baby with the guy, that will fix everything”, or would you tell her to flee as fast as she can? Think carefully about your answer

Do I doubt her love for me? Yes.
WOW, and yet you still want to make babies with this woman.

Do I know she has just done something that was so wrong I should walk away? YES
Seeing that glimmer of backbone again, but I suspect a face palm is going to follow it….

Could I find a girl that would never do this to me? I am sure of it!
Seeing more of the backbone…yes….good…maybe I was wrong and there IS no facepalm moment around the corner….

But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better.
Fudge, I knew it. <<<FACEPALM>>>.
WHY? You have no children with this woman, why in the world would you want to “help” someone who holds you in such low regard? Why do you hold YOURSELF in such low regard???
I will not stand for this **** again,
LMAO, I find that hard to believe and so does your cheating GF. You are standing for it now just fine, and she sees this. She knows you LOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE her and that she has you wrapped around her finger. Just WAIT until you have children or are married and you CAN’T “not stand for it” without MAJOR financial and emotional devastation.

but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her.
She’s learning alright. She’s learning how to better hide her affairs for next time, she’s learning that you have no spine, she’s learning that she should have a kid with you ASAP so she can really trap you financially…..she’s learning ALL KINDS of good stuff.


Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.
She sounds like a heck of a catch buddy. Best of luck on that.
KirkSpock is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2012, 06:48 PM   #109 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 110
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

SadMan,
When I first started dating my ex wife, she came to me just a few months after we started dating and admitted that she kissed another guy. She said it was just a peck but she felt horrible and opened up to me about how she loves me and wants to be with me. I basically just brushed it off. I was very young at the time and it didn't even really bother me that much because I figured she admitted to it so she must really be sorry.

That was 2004. Fast forward to 2007, I found flirty text messages between her and some co worker on her phone. I was furious and I confronted her. She was extremely apologetic and said it was harmless and that it was just a few text messages. Same exact thing happened in 2008 with a different guy. Man I feel like an idiot talking about this in hindsight. At that time, I didn't know what an EA was. I didn't really consider it cheating. If I was on this site back then with the help of all the people here, my life could have turned out different. I should have left way back then. But I do genuinely believe she was sincere about being sorry at the time. I'm almost positive that she really meant that she would do anything to save our relationship. She would cry and apologize constantly and I really believed she was sorry and would never be able to hurt me like that again.

A lot of good her promises meant. Even if she may have been genuine at that time, it didn't stop her from completely betraying me again. She started her EA and PA in 2010. I didn't find out for a year and a half, until after we got married. We were married for 3 months when I found out.

My ex wife and your GF are both serial cheaters. No matter how sorry she says she is, even if she may mean it right now, it WILL happen again. You're lucky that you have the support and knowledge that this place provides. If I had the same back in 2007, it could have saved me some wasted years. And a hell of a lot of money.

Last edited by beenbetrayed; 03-28-2012 at 06:56 PM.
beenbetrayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2012, 09:10 PM   #110 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 850
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beenbetrayed View Post
SadMan,
When I first started dating my ex wife, she came to me just a few months after we started dating and admitted that she kissed another guy. She said it was just a peck but she felt horrible and opened up to me about how she loves me and wants to be with me. I basically just brushed it off. I was very young at the time and it didn't even really bother me that much because I figured she admitted to it so she must really be sorry.

That was 2004. Fast forward to 2007, I found flirty text messages between her and some co worker on her phone. I was furious and I confronted her. She was extremely apologetic and said it was harmless and that it was just a few text messages. Same exact thing happened in 2008 with a different guy. Man I feel like an idiot talking about this in hindsight. At that time, I didn't know what an EA was. I didn't really consider it cheating. If I was on this site back then with the help of all the people here, my life could have turned out different. I should have left way back then. But I do genuinely believe she was sincere about being sorry at the time. I'm almost positive that she really meant that she would do anything to save our relationship. She would cry and apologize constantly and I really believed she was sorry and would never be able to hurt me like that again.

A lot of good her promises meant. Even if she may have been genuine at that time, it didn't stop her from completely betraying me again. She started her EA and PA in 2010. I didn't find out for a year and a half, until after we got married. We were married for 3 months when I found out.

My ex wife and your GF are both serial cheaters. No matter how sorry she says she is, even if she may mean it right now, it WILL happen again. You're lucky that you have the support and knowledge that this place provides. If I had the same back in 2007, it could have saved me some wasted years. And a hell of a lot of money.
Sorry to hear your story. And I'm equally sorry that your story is falling on deaf ears.

See, the OP's girl PROMISED him that she would NEVER have wild monkey sex with a guy she's attracted to again. And she'll do ANYTHING to prove that to him. So, because he loves her and she promised him...all is right in the universe.....and she worth the risk of having his heart ripped out again and paying alimony and child support and the DNA testing and financing her affairs and STD check ups....yada....yada....
crossbar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 09:03 AM   #111 (permalink)
Member
 
DavidWYoung's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bayren, Germany
Posts: 500
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Stop, Take a deep breath! Now RUN! Run far and fast. Get the hell out of Vegas Baby. Look, you are not married, you did not have a baby yet. Just GO!
DavidWYoung is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 09:16 AM   #112 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 495
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

"Night of the Living Dead" This thread died many months ago, someone pulled the Judas tree wood stake from the heart.
rrrbbbttt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 09:56 AM   #113 (permalink)
Member
 
Kasler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Marietta, Georgia
Posts: 1,124
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Thread Necromancy.

And this guys GF (probably fiancee by now) is most likely still fvcking OMs.
Kasler is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 11:26 AM   #114 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 34
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Did she ever try to explain to you why she she cheated on you at least 3X when you both were talking about getting married and having a child together?

If you are moving at full or half speed ahead towards continuing a relationship with her, you need to find out why she did this.

I am in agreement that the odds of her cheating again seem very high. She has something wrong with her and/or she doesn't respect/love you no matter what she is saying at this time.

At the very least schedule some marriage counseling for the both of you to learn why she did this.

And as someone suggested earlier, get a prenup if you are really considering marrying her.

Which brings up a whole new ugly mess. Suppose you and she have a child and you end up getting divorced in the future. You can't imagine how painful that situation is, when you love your child and at best are looking at a 50/50 split in custody/placement. Heaven forbid she wants to move out of state with your child.
Bricko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 01:23 PM   #115 (permalink)
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,599
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Bricko......dude....look at the dates!

Pay attention!
Posted via Mobile Device
bandit.45 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 01:39 PM   #116 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 850
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Dead thread, Folks!

If you're looking for sadmaninvegas, I suggest that you keep your eye out in the seperated/ divorcing subsection in the next year or so.
crossbar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 01:48 PM   #117 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 919
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crossbar View Post
Dead thread, Folks!

If you're looking for sadmaninvegas, I suggest that you keep your eye out in the seperated/ divorcing subsection in the next year or so.
He won't be in that section until he's been in this section for six or seven months trying to figure out what's so wrong with him that she keeps sleeping with everyone else and won't even wink at his willie... He'll then spend four months trying to convince everyone that if he's nicer and better she will change... he will then go to the divorce section hating all women...
Ovid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 01:54 PM   #118 (permalink)
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,599
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ovid View Post
He won't be in that section until he's been in this section for six or seven months trying to figure out what's so wrong with him that she keeps sleeping with everyone else and won't even wink at his willie... He'll then spend four months trying to convince everyone that if he's nicer and better she will change... he will then go to the divorce section hating all women...
Dang Ovid....didn't take you long to get jaundiced!
Posted via Mobile Device
bandit.45 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 02:32 PM   #119 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 34
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Bricko......dude....look at the dates!

Pay attention!
Posted via Mobile Device
My bad.

Sorry
Bricko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2012, 02:34 PM   #120 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 919
Default Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Dang Ovid....didn't take you long to get jaundiced!
Posted via Mobile Device
I'm a fast learner
Ovid is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything. shattered32 Coping with Infidelity 254 12-03-2012 11:32 AM
I dont enjoy sex with my wife john smith28 Sex in Marriage 19 02-24-2012 03:19 PM
Wife dont respect me MIKE2810 Going Through Divorce or Separation 4 03-07-2011 03:32 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:14 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage