Re: She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.
I know what she did was very wrong and I know I should walk away.
This is the first sensible thing you have posted in this thread. Read and re-read the above sentence you wrote over and over again to yourself, for as long as it takes, to truly sink in.
I also think I would find a girl that would never do this to me if I were to leave.
F’ing sweet, I can see a glimmer of a backbone! AWESOME.
What it comes down to is were wanted to get married before any of this happened and have been trying to have a baby for 6 months now.
BS. If you wanted to get married, you would be married. I am in Las Vegas 6 or 7 times out of the year, sometimes more; my wife and I were considering eloping to Las Vegas for our marriage because it is so damn cheap and easy to get married there. Hell you don’t even need a ceremony, just a quick visit to the County Clerk and a few bucks. I repeat: if you wanted to be married, you would already be married. BUT MAYBE I AM WRONG…what compelling reasons have prevented you from getting married? You know….other than the massive betrayal this woman has engaged in?
So in my eyes she is my wife and I want to forgive her. I am trying to and trying to make it so I dont fight with her nonstop about this.
In your eyes she is your wife….hmm. Interesting. What qualities does she possess or display that make her a wife in your eyes? Because f’ing other men is quite possibly the exact opposite of what a wife is supposed to be doing. And having fear of getting into a fight by discussing a terrible betrayal with someone who you hold as high as your wife…also doesn’t sound like a marriage (or a relationship worth being in).
But as I said, her and I have talked. She knows for this to work she will have to do alot.
1: No male friends, she dropped them today and made sure with me before telling a few that I was ok with her telling them.
A good first step. Did she write a NC letter in front of you and send it off? Or are you relying on the word of a liar?
2: I get look at what I want and there is to no fighting about it.
Excellent. Did you look at her FB/Phone/Email (well, the email addys she told you about anyway, and the phone you know about, and the FB that she told you about) as soon as she agreed to this point? Have you installed a keylogger on her computer or viewed her backed up text messages to confirm that what she is showing you is up-to-date and has not been tampered with?
3: We had problems before all this and we need to get that stuff out of the way, then leave it there in the past.
Leave it in the past? That's not possible, nor healthy. That's kind of like a judge telling the jury to disregard something that was said: it's impossible to un-hear something. You must be in quite a thick fog if you think you can just forgive and forget. Even those that have gone through this in a real marraige, who have forgiven their spouse, never forget (and those that try to usually get bitten in the a$$ later on. But don't take MY word for it...just read the numerous threads on this forum to confirm what I have said). So you had problems before the affair, problems during the affair, and problems now. And you want to marry and have children with this person……why exactly? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you feel that so many problems before marriage is a GOOD SIGN? Would you advise your future child to date/marry someone who cheats on them repeatedly before ever getting married? WOW, just….wow.
4: Be open! I never want to ask what are you thinking about or have you walk away. If something is on your mind, you must talk to me.
No to be crass, but she has been open, VERY open….like, spread eagle open……just with another man. Your response has been......well, rather lacking I would say. What, in your mind, has shocked her into being open? She got away with this without ANY consequences....what motivation would she have for being more open, when really it seems you are driving her to be more careful about hiding things?
Even with that, I am not sure how things will turn out but it is a start. Yes I am still hurt and mad. But I am hopping with time we will be better.
Interesting. Because things didn’t get better when you were fighting before all of this. What could possibly be going through your mind that makes you think *this* time will be different? You know what Einstein said about insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results?
To most everyone else, I love this girl, and to just flat out say she does not love me is not your call.
Of course it’s not our call, it’s YOUR CALL. But you have come here and asked for advice, and I can only speak for myself, but my advice to you is that I think you need to reevaluate your definition of LOVE. Clearly, someone who loves you would not treat you like absolute crap. Again, you mention trying to have children…how would you counsel your future daughter if her BF treated her like this? Would you say “Don’t worry about it, you love each other and it will work out. In fact,t ry having a baby with the guy, that will fix everything”, or would you tell her to flee as fast as she can? Think carefully about your answer
Do I doubt her love for me? Yes.
WOW, and yet you still want to make babies with this woman.
Do I know she has just done something that was so wrong I should walk away? YES
Seeing that glimmer of backbone again, but I suspect a face palm is going to follow it….
Could I find a girl that would never do this to me? I am sure of it!
Seeing more of the backbone…yes….good…maybe I was wrong and there IS no facepalm moment around the corner….
But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better.
Fudge, I knew it. <<<FACEPALM>>>.
WHY? You have no children with this woman, why in the world would you want to “help” someone who holds you in such low regard? Why do you hold YOURSELF in such low regard???
I will not stand for this **** again,
LMAO, I find that hard to believe and so does your cheating GF. You are standing for it now just fine, and she sees this. She knows you LOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE her and that she has you wrapped around her finger. Just WAIT until you have children or are married and you CAN’T “not stand for it” without MAJOR financial and emotional devastation.
but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her.
She’s learning alright. She’s learning how to better hide her affairs for next time, she’s learning that you have no spine, she’s learning that she should have a kid with you ASAP so she can really trap you financially…..she’s learning ALL KINDS of good stuff.
Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.
She sounds like a heck of a catch buddy. Best of luck on that.