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Originally Posted by advice  And can anyone explain why an infatuation could happen so abruptly for me. I can find other girls attractive and it's not a big deal. But with her, I felt like gosh, I really need to be with her. Hit all the right chords and now I can't stop thinking about her. |
My thoughts, after a fair bit of biology and psychology education and experience:
Feeling bored, unappreciated, lonely, or unloved (or some other need important to you not being met in your relationship--and face it, nobody you are with can meet every single need you have the way you want them to all of the time) +
A (usually new) person you find attractive (probably because of the next item) +
Subliminal recognition of compatible DNA in that person and suitability for breeding+
Indication of attraction from the attractive person +
The right pheromones, which start flowing back and forth between you and the other person based on your attraction to them and vice versa (and you don't consciously recognize these, but your subconscious brain sure does!) +
A certain something else in that attractive person, perhaps not even definable by your conscious brain, that you just can't put your finger on+
Belief that the attractive person would meet your unmet need=
Dopamine release=
A Biological response and Infatuation. This can happen in less than a minute. In Caveman days, you would have to make these mating decisions quickly while looking over your shoulder for a bigger, tougher rival for her affections who would club you or some predator sneaking up to eat you. That drive to act quickly still carries over to today in your primitive brain.
This is not totally controllable. Biology is Biology. You can control how you handle it, though.
The degree to which it grows or dies is driven by your actions to starve it or feed it.
We men are hardwired to do one thing above all else-reproduce healthy offspring, and as many as possible. Women want to reproduce offspring the most likely to survive and thrive.
As a male, the wider the pool of DNA you mate with, which is driven by
quantity, the more successful you will be at reproducing lots of healthy offspring and dominate the breeding contest. You are seeing how Alpha you can be.
New woman= New DNA, and a chance to put your eggs (well, not actually your eggs,
in more than one basket.)
That is what is going on in the primitive, reptilian portion of your brain.
The good news, is you are no longer operating with only a primitive brain. You have a frontal cortex that allows you to make rational decisions based on consequences, if you allow it to rule your decision making.
Your biological imperative is not consistent with monogamy. It is our conditioning, understanding of negative consequences based on societal mores, and desire to keep our spouses faithful to us that keep things in check.
You can't control your primitive brain, but you can control how you handle your response to it.
In other words, think with the big head, not the little one.
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