Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair... - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree93Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-30-2012, 12:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,746
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

She is deep into an EA. She must go total NC to withdraw from him. She probably needs to quite her job to do this. I did BTW.

Do not give her space. She is wanting to isolate you so she can have her affair. If it is not yet physical it will be very very soon. She will seal the deal to solidify him as her choice.

Do not go on the trip if you want to keep her.
Tell her if she leaves that you will be filing for a divorce. She must go NC with this guy immediately and stay with you together to work on the marriage.

Despite you having your share of the marriage issues, to be sure there is history re-writing here. She has to daemonize you so she can justify / reconsile her affair.

I find the comment on your changing based on the chat to be very telling. So you communicate and you actually act on this and critisized for your motives. If you did not react the way you did you would have been critisized for not listening or caring. She is telling you what your motives are.

If she walked out the door I would consider contacting her HR department and tell them you are upset that your wife is having an affair at work. This is part of exposure. I for sure would see a lawyer and file.

This EA just seems way down the road already. They can explode from an inappropriate / unfaithful level to blatant cheating virtually overnight. They reach a critical mass.

Be prepared to let her go. It is also the only way you have a chance at keeping her. You have to do everything you can to disrupt he going to the OM. You cannot control her but you can influence the situation by your actions. You need to protect yourself.
__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim
Take My Breath Away

"Passion Trumps Everything ....." -- Dave Tate

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-30-2012 at 12:33 PM.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-30-2012, 12:24 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5,534
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

I did the same thing your wife did pretty much same story as my husband and I, she will not stop talking to the other man til she feels ready. Hopefully she will come to her senses as I did. Do not take her back till she totally cuts contact with him...for now see a lawyer, stop being nice to her..
Posted via Mobile Device
CantSitStill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 12:28 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5,534
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

I did fall back in love with hubby..I stopped all contact with the OM and hubby and i are working hard to reconsile.
Posted via Mobile Device
CantSitStill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 08:15 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 61
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

I talked to a couple I know last night that went through something similar, which helped me tremendously. A lot of the thoughts/ideas they had were similar to some mentioned here, I'm working on refocusing my mind to making ME happy (a bit more about that down this post). That said...

So, without any further communication from me about it, she talked to him yesterday and cut him off completely.

We had a short conversation today (she was home all day after work, but other than this conversation I tried to keep my emotions in check and not talk about "us" more than necessary) and during it I asked her if she'd talked to him at all in the last couple of days, and that's when she told me.

She says she did it more for her than for me, as she's "trying to find herself" and she doesn't need someone like him around her. We also talked more about MC and though she said before she was willing to talk to someone, she seemed a little more open to the whole thing today. She's still adamant that she's not sure anything will fix "us" however.

It may not come across from my previous post, but before this incident I've never had any reason not to trust her. The only time she was ever dishonest was when she was withholding her frustration and loss of feelings. She hates confrontation (it's true at work as well, which is why she struggles as a manager at times), which keeps a lot bottled up.

I'm not willing to give up on us. If I give up I will always wonder "what if". If things end up not working out then so be it. If she goes back to talking to him, then it's over... and while I won't like it, I will accept it.

For what it's worth, when she's having "her space", she's either at home with the kids while I hang out with friends/family or she's visiting her family with the kids. Since I work from home and see the kids all the time, I don't want to deprive her of the little time she gets with them every day.

I'm still taking my trip. If she sees him or talks to him while I'm away, then I feel she would have done it anyways and I will walk away. This is a very important trip and I don't feel as though I can cancel it.

For now I'm not pushing things, I'm not saying "I love you", I'm not asking, pleading, begging for anything. We'll still have brief conversations about "us", but I'm more concerned about working on making myself happier despite how she feels right now, and while today wasn't easy by any stretch, it was ten times better than yesterday. I accomplished a lot today and I am proud of the results, even without her praise. My emotions still overwhelmed me at times today, but I do feel clearer than I did yesterday. I was running on pure emotion and I thought I was going to explode.

I will continue to update my situation as things progress. Please continue to offer any advice you might have. I'm not shutting out any reasonable ideas, even if it sounds at times like I am. I think this thread can serve as a reality check for me, which is something I need.
Bucksinnc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 08:31 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 2,459
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

If she has really cut contact with the guy, you have a chance.

The downside is, she is going to be trying to figure out if going back with you is worth it. Having kids together is a huge thing in your favor. But, on the other hand, if she was operating as an emotionally independent person (not relying on you, but on family and friends) before she became involved in the EA, then she may be asking herself if she isn't better off single with the chance of something better in her future. Feeling that she would be better off alone is the true risk here if she has been wise enough to realize that moving from one man to the next is just plain stupid.

So be the best person you can be and do not smother her. If she can see that you are smart and happy and competent on your own, she may begin to think you really have changed. If you shirked responsibilities in the past, remember that this is NO time to make a mistake/slip up/forget/do a crappy job. Do everything you decide it is appropriate to do with the mindset of showing yourself that you are really the kind of guy worth someone's commitment. Even if she does not buy in and you end up going separate ways, you will be a better person for it.

Good luck.
sisters359 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 08:36 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 78
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Since you are bettering yourself,

Look at the link to the 180, it may help you become the better person and find the new happier you.

Just Let Them Go
tokn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 09:00 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,455
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

You can tell her you love her without sounding needy. You should let her know that you love her, you want to stay married to her, you've been through a lot together already, you want to improve yourself, and you want to improve your marriage and make it really good, BUT you are not willing to tolerate an emotional affair. I would tell her something like this once or twice a day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night, in a strong, firm way and not bring up anything about the relationship during the day. Show her no neediness or weakness. Show her nothing but a confident man who loves his wife but is not afraid of losing her.
Will_Kane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 09:03 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,455
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Maybe this is just a matter of semantics, but this has been my observation:

Usually when a spouse says they need "space" they mean that they need you out of the way to communicate/see the potential affair partner.

When a spouse who is not contemplating cheating needs time alone to think, they usually say they need "alone" time or "me" time.

Last edited by Will_Kane; 03-30-2012 at 09:41 PM.
Will_Kane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 09:12 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,746
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Quote:
This is a very important trip and I don't feel as though I can cancel it.
Life is about priorities. There is no job that is more important than my marriage. Just sayin.
__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim
Take My Breath Away

"Passion Trumps Everything ....." -- Dave Tate
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 09:32 PM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5,534
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Ok the good news is she stopped contact with OM. This might sound weird but for now do not get too emotional around her..maybe not for a couple days..with my situation I felt that hubby didn't love me, only loved the person he wanted me to be..well I was wrong..he made alot of changes and I was just afraid it wasn't real but he's the best, been wonderful for months and it took time for me to see it but when I got to my lowest point an.d was ready to check into the mental hospital he totally kn.ew that somethiing was wrong out of the blue while he was at work and texted me, calmed me, got me out of hyperventalating and took great care of me, this was a few days after I left, when I left he was cold twords me for a couple days and I needed that to be honest, hard to explain us women..I really do hope the best for you and that you can reconsile as we did..she just needs to see the grass is not greener on the other side but most important-she needs to fall back in love with you, otherwise it would be a false receonsilliation.. also if you get her back you must go to counseling.
Posted via Mobile Device
CantSitStill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2012, 10:13 PM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 61
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CantSitStill View Post
Ok the good news is she stopped contact with OM. This might sound weird but for now do not get too emotional around her..maybe not for a couple days..with my situation I felt that hubby didn't love me, only loved the person he wanted me to be..well I was wrong..he made alot of changes and I was just afraid it wasn't real but he's the best, been wonderful for months and it took time for me to see it but when I got to my lowest point an.d was ready to check into the mental hospital he totally kn.ew that somethiing was wrong out of the blue while he was at work and texted me, calmed me, got me out of hyperventalating and took great care of me, this was a few days after I left, when I left he was cold twords me for a couple days and I needed that to be honest, hard to explain us women..I really do hope the best for you and that you can reconsile as we did..she just needs to see the grass is not greener on the other side but most important-she needs to fall back in love with you, otherwise it would be a false receonsilliation.. also if you get her back you must go to counseling.
Posted via Mobile Device
I do my best to not get emotional around her and feel as though that will need to continue for awhile to not push her further away. Every so often something happens (usually something one of the kids says, damn them for being so sweet/innocent! Lol) that makes it harder, but overall I'm doing far better than I was even a day ago.

I will continue to do the things I should have done long ago. I will hope that she eventually realizes I can still be that man, but if she doesn't, like others have said, I will still be a better person in the end and hopefully can walk away with confidence in myself.
Bucksinnc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2012, 12:10 AM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5,534
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Good for you, take care of yourself, glad you have the kids..you know that you can get the house and kids and get her for abandonment right? Well when I was away at my sister's house I talked to my lawyer and he told me that hubby will get both the house and kids because I left. Keep up with the positive attitude. I kn.ow this is hard, emotionally just about killed my husband. Why? Why did I do that to him?? Oh how my kids hated me and oh how I regret what I've done to him.
Posted via Mobile Device
CantSitStill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2012, 01:49 AM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
lordmayhem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA All The Way
Posts: 4,355
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

And how do you no she has gone NC? Have you been verifying this? How do you know she hasn't taken it underground? That's very common you know after D-Day.

Now is the hard part, having to monitor her to ensure that NC holds. Its so very common for at least one of the affair partners to "fish" for renewed contact. It can be as simple as "How are you?" "Are you okay?" "Thinking of you", etc, etc.

Remember, if OM tries to fish and she doesn't report it to you, then that's breaking NC because its a lie of omission.

These initial days of NC are CRITICAL. Now is the time to have the keylogger and the VAR.
lordmayhem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2012, 01:58 AM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,040
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

She just "stopped contact".
Out of the blue, of her own accord, and just informed you she has done this?

Didn`t happen OP.
tacoma is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2012, 02:35 AM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 7,573
Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Its gone underground. No wayward just up and stops contact. Now you're going to have to snoop and sleuth. Install a keylogger on her computer and hide a VAR in her car to catch her phone calls. Verify everything and trust nothing she tells you.
Posted via Mobile Device
bandit.45 is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Getting my wife out of emotional affair shocknawe Coping with Infidelity 107 10-22-2012 12:10 PM
Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my wife WillK General Relationship Discussion 62 09-27-2012 11:13 PM
Wife's 2nd emotional affair JBMB0922 Coping with Infidelity 32 04-10-2012 12:44 PM
my wife's emotional affair MGKR Coping with Infidelity 47 11-16-2011 03:10 PM
I have lost feelings for my wife. Does she love me? Xavi Considering Divorce or Separation 2 01-29-2011 10:11 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:11 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage