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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-01-2012, 08:12 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Just because she cheated doesn't whitewash his neglect of her and the marriage. Again, I don't think anyone disagrees with the fact the cheating is on her. But to minimize the effect a constantly neglectful spouse has on a marriage is grossly irresponsible. It's ridiculous. Habitually neglecting your partner over they years is a sure way to lose them. Anyone who disagrees is smoking the good stuff or completely delusional.
What is completely delusional is anyone that instructs a spouse that has been cheated on to work on their marriage based on the truthfulness of the fog induced subjective opinions of a blame shifting, history reinventing, perfection seeking, cheating spouse, that loves someone else and just want you to be wrong.
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Old 04-01-2012, 08:32 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Funny, neglect sure gets thrown around a lot. Isn't the interpretation of "neglect" subjective? And in that subjectiveness is it not incumbent upon the one who expects to communicate their expectations?

How often have we seen someone who vehemently complains they haven't received the kind of attention (or whatever) they seek so they justify their cheating choices and behavior? In fact, is that not what's going on here? Not only from the OP's wife, but from some of you cheerleaders as well? Initially the BS is pretty battered and quite ready to accept anything the WS thrusts upon them. Often this is the first time the BS has heard this with such judgmental vindictiveness. I’d guess their often stunned by what they now “are”. As time passes we often re-center and realize…it is NOT me.

Also, it is revealed by research that the condition of the marriage rarely is causal for affairs. That they happen all the time in good marriages as well as bad...is it not?

If so then it is clear that this is an individual malady of the perpetrator...not caused by anything the BS has done. The "illness" is within the wayward and most comment that there is little their BS's could have done to dissuade them from their own destructive paths. They often lament that nothing and/or no one could have derailed them from their path. They were smoldering mentally long before the fire took the entire forest.

I was personally a doting husband. It mattered little. When the thought of fantasy took over there was little left but to watch as my WS burned the relationship down.

Then...oops, I didn't mean to do that. The cases made by many are of the Pavlovian variety. I thought humans were smarter than dogs.

Last edited by mychoice; 04-01-2012 at 09:52 PM.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:28 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

So if we can pounce on a betrayed husband for having been emotionally neglectful in the past to his cheating wife, does that mean we can pounce on a betrayed wife for having been sexually neglectful in the past to her cheating husband?
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:45 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

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So if we can pounce on a betrayed husband for having been emotionally neglectful in the past to his cheating wife, does that mean we can pounce on a betrayed wife for having been sexually neglectful in the past to her cheating husband?
Of course not , the man is always in the wrong ;~)
The way I look at it, if someone is that unhappy they should say so long before it gets to that point, but maybe then, they just don't want to, it would remove an excuse to go. After all if a wife went to hubby early on and said "Hub the I'm feeling a bit strange these days, not sure why, can we talk" Most loving hubbies would jump through hoops to listen and help. I know I would have.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:49 PM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Have been watching the thread develop, but was holding off on adding to the story until I had a little more time/info.

We talked yesterday and a little more today. Had a pretty good time when hanging out with her AND the kids. But any downtime away from the kids, whether or not she was in the same room, was an emotional rollercoaster for me.

She came home from work very angry/frustrated. Frustrated I dragged the kids out of bed at 4am, frustrated I brought our problems to her work, and lastly very frustrated with herself for doing something so stupid. She said all ties with him have been severed.

I told her that right now her words aren't enough. My trust is broken.

Finally I stood up for myself a bit more and told her I felt like everything was being made out to be my fault. And while much of it is, her lack of communication and her at times pretending to be happy certainly didn't help me to improve as a husband over the years. I also said I respected the fact that she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with "us" and that I needed the same.

When we were out with the kids today she was looking off and tearing up at one point, I asked her what was wrong and she replied that it was going to be very difficult to have him out of her life, not just because of him, but because it takes several other people out of her life. She worked for quite some time at the other Brueggers and has many friends/acquaintances that she talks to regularly during business hours. She still considers them her "people"/employees, and calls there quite often to talk with them and see how things are going. She's upset she can no longer do that. I took it as a good sign, but I still refuse to put my guard down and just assume that means she's really not talking to him. I won't be that naive again.

She's still telling me that she doubts things will work and that she's not convinced she wants them to work. She's "trying to try". I think this is the thing that is making it hardest on me. It feels at times like anything I do will just be shrugged off because she's telling herself it won't make a difference... never actually letting her guard down long enough to see if it will. This more than anything is why I feel like counseling is needed ASAP. She says she's willing to try it and that feels like the only thing right now that is a positive step in the right direction. If counseling doesn't work I'm not sure there's anything more than can be done right now.

Hell, I don't know anymore. Right now what I really want is my mind to just shut up for awhile so I can relax a bit. Unfortunately I don't seem to be capable of doing that. I feel at times like I'm on the edge of my sanity.

Last edited by Bucksinnc; 04-01-2012 at 09:53 PM.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:56 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

If she is saying "trying to try", I would bet she still thinks about the OM. Are you still monitoring her text's, messages, etc.?
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:22 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

If trust, respect, and love are broken, what is there to salvage?
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:27 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

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Agree with this completely.

I believe in cause and effect. You don't have to condone the effect but you must acknowledge the cause. I've told this to other members here too, jnj has a valid point.
CAUSE...no!! Justification...yes!! "EFFECT"...that is nothing more than a selfish immoral decision that was justified (for my benefit by the way). No one "causes" anything unless it's the first car of a pile up. The thing is, not one of the rear vehicles allowed proper spacing in the first place. Believe me, you will receive and at-fault surcharge on your insurance rates if you ever pile into someone from behind, regardless of what "they" did. All will cry of their plight. Hmm, sound similar?

The point is that it does not matter what another has done. What matters is "the story I told myself about it"...THAT is what matters. Resentments are RARELY dealt with, because, if they were, they would not be resentments. They'd have been resolved! So, this discussion and comments like "I've been after him/her for years"...well, it just doesn't cut the acid test.

This has turned into a discussion of personal responsibility and it really is shocking how so many have a finger pointed. How many have little idea of what personal responsibility means. It surely does not mean getting "even" (YOU did this SO I'm doing THAT) or taking one's frustrations out on another. It surely does not mean blaming someone else, who never was involved, for my actions while I was checked out of the relationship (you just didn't know!). It surely doesn't mean doing the same awful thing over and over posing the question; "why did I do that...why do I keep doing that". That is simply sick.

Gees, this is a one person show and that one person is trying to get everyone else involved, after the fact, so he/she NEVER has to seriously look in the mirror. Sadly, that includes some of the posters in this thread. No wonder so many BS's find true remorse an elusive and, often phony, commodity. Reasons, causes, situations and justifications all abound. There are NONE! When you FINALLY own it...your BS can be set free. Until you do...well, it will forever be a fear based relationship. Like it, or not, that is considered abuse.
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:51 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

WTF is this "trying to try" crap? That's unacceptable. Sound like she's on the fence still and cake eating. I bet she's taken it underground.
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:22 AM   #100 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

I blasted you---now its time to blast her

She is still being SELFISH---if she wanted this mge., really wanted it---she would not think one IOTA about losing friendships, with people she works with

Not one of those people she works with, will ever be there for her, when she is in her golden years, not one of them will be there for her, in a family emergency, not one of them is gonna help her thru a financial dilemma------she needs to get over herself, and especially her misplaced fondness, for a man who knew she was a married woman with a family, but yet he still courted her----

It is very hard to just drop a lover cold turkey---right or wrong---he is akin to a narcotic, and he will stick around in her mind---but if she truly wants this mge., and to save her family----all these friends, and especially her lover, MUST be put out of her thoughts-------that is part of the heavy lifting she MUST do to earn her way back into the family

MC, IC, are both good, and probably needed, but she has gotta get her mind set, on what she knows is right if there is to be a R., and she needs to start working on it NOW, there is no trying to try---there is either doing, on her part, or there is adios, on your part.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:17 AM   #101 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

I told her if she really was willing to give me one last chance that she could NOT be talking to this guy, because she was giving him her emotions and that's not giving me a fair shot. She agreed, said she would absolutely cut him off, and she truly wanted things to work.

She came home from work very angry/frustrated. Frustrated I dragged the kids out of bed at 4am, frustrated I brought our problems to her work, and lastly very frustrated with herself for doing something so stupid. She said all ties with him have been severed.


You are on the right path, but at this point, can you believe anything she says? Sounds like the same old song and dance. Assume all her words are lies. Believe only her actions.

When you saw her tearing up, did you think it was because she was thinking about her lies and betrayal, how much she hurt you, how disappointed she was in herself for lying to you, betraying you, and risking her family and her marriage?

Was it tough to hear that instead her tears were over the the thought of giving up the other man and his friends?

What a nice life she could have with the other man and his friends, hanging out and having fun with no responsibilities.

"No contact" is not going to come easy. Start preparing yourself for what action you plan to take when you find out she has broken "no contact."

In the meantime, stay focused on your conditions for the marriage. As long as she maintains no contact, give her the love and attention she needs, don't give her any excuses by backsliding on the changes you need to make.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:34 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

OP, if you want this marriage you need to drop the hammer on her right now and hard.

She doesn't get to decide "maybe" because right now you're not really sure you want her back. She needs to convince you that she's worth taking back. If she can't get all-in the marriage, then tell her to get all out. She can pack her gear and move in with the OM and divorce papers will follow shortly.

Do not give her any wiggle room. She will exploit it.

Personally, I think you'd be better off without her. And even if you want to keep her you should think and act like that.

Good luck.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:10 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

From her reluctant attitude, she feels no remorse and really is not into R. I'd bet she's still in contact with the OM.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:16 AM   #104 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

Yes, I am still monitoring her texts/calls/etc.

I've taken it a step further, but won't say how, just in case I'm being monitored as well.

That said, I hate that this is what my relationship has turned into right now. This is no way to live and it's putting me at my wit's end. I'm counting down the days until we can go to MC. I know it may not work, she may never fully commit to giving it a try, but I feel like I'm out of options.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:48 AM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has lost feelings for me and is having an emotional affair...

MC is no magic potion. If she's still in affair don't hold your breath, it will be a waste of money.

As a betrayed spouse, don't count on any outside help that will resolve the situation for you. It's all in your hands.
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