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Day to day baby steps.... Feedback encouraged.

39K views 261 replies 31 participants last post by  CantSitStill 
#1 ·
The post “Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?” from Bandit is the reason why I decided to write this post.
When I read the post from Bandit I really had to think hard about it because I can’t really say for sure if I upgraded or downgraded……. But it brought me to what I did in counseling yesterday morning and I would like to share because I feel like it like it is a great building block for moving forward.

Background for yesterday’s session: Still NC with the OM but I can’t get him out of my head. I am constantly feeling guilt-ridden because I can’t stop thinking about this person. Nights are the worst when I am lying down next to my H! Currently I am working on directing my thought process by picturing a stop sign every time I think about this person. I guess it works a bit. I just keep telling myself that I have to remain patient because time will help these thoughts/feelings fade away. I told my MC all of this so she decided we needed to do a little activity where I wrote down what I would I would be losing versus gaining if I stopped thinking about the OM versus if I didn't stop about the OM, plus we wrote down any red flags (negative traits) I noticed about the OM.

It went kind of like this:
What would I be gaining if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Peace of mind because I would know whatever happens that I did it the right way and with a clear head… (Not in a fog due to the OM).
2. Possible R with H.
3. Personal integrity and strength
4. No guilt or confusion.

What would I be losing if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Other than the hope or feelings that there is someone out there that may actually be my “soul mate” which the probability of that is most likely zilch, than I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be losing anything by not thinking about this person.


Red flags/negative traits: 1. He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2. He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
3. He is bad at managing money.
4. He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
5. He lets people walk all over him without care.

Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!! :scratchhead:

Of course this activity helped me to think about this person at that moment, but overall I think it was useful to show me what I really would not be missing by NC with this person.

So I guess why it was so difficult for me to say if it was an upgrade or downgrade is because the emotions and feelings that were involved with this other person did not happen because of those obvious traits. Hence the word EA, the affair was very mental and emotional. An addiction that I couldn’t kick is pretty much the only way I can explain it. Physical appearance didn’t really play a huge part either because he is clearly not as good looking as my H in anyway. It’s just that when I looked at this person, I felt like I was looking very deeply… more deeply than I have ever experienced. When people on here talk about the chemicals involved in an EA and PA than it makes sense as to why I felt like I was looking so “deeply” I guess…. If that makes any sense.

It blows my mind to think that everything involved in affair can really just boil down to chemicals and your mind tricking you.
How incredible harsh.

So as for my H and I we are just taking baby steps. I don’t know what is going to happen (R or D) in the end but I have hope that with time my feelings will change and my thoughts will only be consumed by my H.

I understand that this forum is primarily for betrayed spouses and I definitely felt that when I first posted my story here about a week ago (under Stephanie Anne…. changed username for specific reasons) by the intense; sometimes harsh comments although very deserved…. So I thank you for taking your time to read and respond. I have to say that I did get some very intriguing and helpful advice that I am very thankful for as well.

If you would like the background of my situation I am including the link to my 1st post under this username which I wrote after my 1st post under Stephanie Anne. There isn’t a whole lot of detail about the affair which I had in the previous (deleted) post… nevertheless I feel like it expresses pretty well what is going on.

I guess this post is more of a “just thinking” post rather than a question; however I welcome advice/opinions/any help you may be able to send my way….. Considering that I am still working very diligently to not think about the OM and to work on myself and my marriage.
 
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#13 ·
I don’t see this man as a “soul mate”. That is not what I meant at all. Honestly I don’t know what I meant about that… but know I don’t see the OM as a possible soul mate. I feel like the OM stimulated me in a different way than my husband ever has which was a huge attraction. My husband is… how do I put it…. Pretty simple. He is very street smart and incredibly hard worker; however he is not the type to have a deep intellectual conversation with. Hell if you want to talk about fishing and hunting than he can tell you everything you need to know… which of course not a bad thing. I just know that is what made the connection with the OM so different and strong. That is something I have come to realize through counseling that I miss in the relationship with my husband. Definitely something we can work on.

I feel bad for my Husband as well. I agree self-esteem has been an issue for a while. I am working on self-esteem issues in counseling.
 
#5 ·
Sounds like you have a wise counselor. Have you taken all of the steps to help your husband to heal? NC letter, transparency, answering all of his questions?

It does take a long time to recover from infidelity, I have read 2-5 years. I'm glad that you can take an honest look at what you did and are trying to see the reality of the OM.
 
#14 ·
NC Letter- Check
Transparency- Check
Answering questions daily- Check

I understand that recovery from infidelity can take years. Right now I can’t think about that…. We are just surviving day by day first.

Thank you for your input.
 
#15 ·
I am okay with harshness. No need to apologize. That is why I am here. To receive advice and learn from people who have similar experiences.

Yes, I feel much better not have the OM in my life and slowly getting out of my thoughts. At least I know that no matter what happens in the future that I did it the right way for my husband and I. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did it any other way.

As for my husband and I, it’s been probably a week or so since I posted this, and we are still moving slowly. Last night was a feeling discouraged night but it comes and goes. I am still having a hard time feeling intimate love for my husband but I do enjoy spending time with him. We have been doing a lot of things together when we are not working. Just trying to re-bond. He still wants to hold, kiss, and cuddle me constantly; and I still feel like I have a wall up. I am trying though. Although I don’t feel the need for his love and affection towards me I still will cuddle with him on the couch and act like I do. I hope with time these actions will help me to feel more. Some days I feel guilty being in comfortable in our home and acting like normal when I know that in my heart I am not fully there like he is. I wish I could explain the feelings. It’s as if I feel like I don’t belong anymore, but again….I am trying for us.

I don’t get frustrated easily anymore which I feel like I was doing a lot in the beginning; however I was also keeping little contact with the OM so that was probably my guilty conscious getting angry and frustrated when my husband was reaching out. I also find myself being more patient and loving towards my husband although I don’t know what is going to happen. We are still going to MC twice a week and communicating a lot every night.

Currently I am working on the work book for the book “Love is a choice” and it is really helping me to notice patterns in my relationships. I have no doubt that my husband and I both came into our marriage as co-dependents so learning about co-dependency is really helping me to understand a lot. I am just reading a lot and trying to fix me and us at the same time. Still having hope.
 
#7 ·
Sadly, I have one just like you. So many years of apathy. If I could just go back and disconnect myself from such a cold and timid soul I would in a heartbeat. In fact, after 40 years…it will happen. This time, on my terms.

As terrible as it sounds you really need to do your husband a favor and let him go to live his life with someone who can feel passion for him. He obviously was having problems with your disconnect long before your transgressions otherwise he'd have likely kept his libido at a normal level. I mean, come on, who wants to make love to someone who clearly could do without? It's no fun being with someone to service "myself". Some men are actually deep enough to care about the response of their wives, and then, when she shows signs of losing whatever passion was present, he is caught in an impossible situation. Does he leave for his own well being? Does he stay because this really shouldn't matter?

Then he finds out this frigid woman does indeed have passion..."just not for me". Do I run? Do I believe this is the person I "thought" I knew? Do I truly believe she will be a good girl now? Do I cut my losses?

Without even being able to address those issues he's thrust into trying to save this apathetic "wife". Efforting to salvage HIS love. Even now you're indignant, self absorbed, totally self centered and consumed by only one thing...what YOU want. Honestly, I'm not surprised. You've had it all your way and you've grown to expect it.

When his confidence returns there WILL be retribution. That you could hold him as your cuckold...that you could easily, and even without any true remorse, take advantage of his exemplary grace. That you easily took him for granted. That it all was so easily justified. It may take years but spears to a giver's heart do not resolve so easily.

One day he will see you for what you are. As my Father always said; Son, there are two kinds of people in this world...the givers and the takers. You've clearly drawn the line of who you are. Now he's faced with years of doubt, clouded by his own love for you, trying to see the truth of who he is actually with.

You speak of the fine husband he is, well, I guarantee you he doesn't feel that way now. True efforts to reconcile usually find the couple in HB (hysterical bonding). If he's done even one bit of research he can see where you are. In contact with your lover, or not, you are NOT with your husband. He can fool himself for awhile but that too will end. I hope for his sake much sooner than later.

To do this in such a young marriage is absolutely unconscionable. The truth is you don't love your husband. If you did you just could not find your way to this outcome. You'd have sought another way and if that didn't work you'd have left him with some degree of dignity. I'd suspect what you really love is being the wife of a good man...husband...provider...and possibly a father. It's the idea you're in love with, surely not he as a human being. Love begins with respect and trust. It's the only way it is sustained as well.

As for your current behavior and perspective...keep it up! It will just teach him what he really has all the more quickly.

It's just so very sad how people treat those they profess to "love". It's clear that so many don't even have a clue of what love is. When you'll die for another, then you'll know you're with the right person. If you cannot find someone you feel this way about...it's not they who are incapable...it's you. Until then, you're only with someone to keep you company while "YOU'RE" on your life's journey. Too bad he's not really part of it...it could be so rewarding for both of you.

Good luck...you'll need it.
 
#18 ·
Sadly, I have one just like you. So many years of apathy. If I could just go back and disconnect myself from such a cold and timid soul I would in a heartbeat. In fact, after 40 years…it will happen. This time, on my terms.


You mean your wife/husband is just like me???

As terrible as it sounds you really need to do your husband a favor and let him go to live his life with someone who can feel passion for him. He obviously was having problems with your disconnect long before your transgressions otherwise he'd have likely kept his libido at a normal level. I mean, come on, who wants to make love to someone who clearly could do without? It's no fun being with someone to service "myself". Some men are actually deep enough to care about the response of their wives, and then, when she shows signs of losing whatever passion was present, he is caught in an impossible situation. Does he leave for his own well being? Does he stay because this really shouldn't matter?

For arguments sake, my husband never made it a priority to be intimate with his wife….There has always been excuses. I feel like I do have a strong sex drive however it has faded for my husband over the years…… and I can honestly blame it on the both of us. I can clearly see that over the years our sex life/my sex drive has decreased and I feel like although we noticed it we didn’t really communicate it very well. Everything else was comfortable so we just remained comfortable without recognizing that the passion was declining. I blame myself for never saying anything about not feeling that “connection”…. Because I feel like this could have been something we could have worked on if I had. My husband is not very experienced so this may have a part in it as well. I don’t know. Just thinking now. I don’t know if his libido or lack of it has anything to do with his care about his response for me… because when we do have sex his care for his own self pleasure definitely weighs out my own. (if that makes any sense)…. He has never been the one to try and make it last so that we are both please… but again this could be the lack of experience. Again, I blame myself for this because as the more experiences lover I could have helped or directed. Hmmm… We all have faults. At least I am learning now.



Then he finds out this frigid woman does indeed have passion..."just not for me". Do I run? Do I believe this is the person I "thought" I knew? Do I truly believe she will be a good girl now? Do I cut my losses?

Without even being able to address those issues he's thrust into trying to save this apathetic "wife". Efforting to salvage HIS love. Even now you're indignant, self absorbed, totally self centered and consumed by only one thing...what YOU want. Honestly, I'm not surprised. You've had it all your way and you've grown to expect it.

I get that you think I am self-absorbed, but honestly you don’t know the kind of person I am. What I did was indeed self-absorbed; however I am not a self-absorbed person. I do care deeply for my husband. Just lately it has seemed in a different way, but I am realizing that the affair fog is a definite fog that blurs reality and you may feel and act like a person that you really aren’t. My husband knows that I am not a self-centered person but he also can say that what I did was very self-centered. I did indeed have it all my way, but I wish this wasn’t true. I would do anything to take back what I did. I obviously can’t do that so I am working on myself and my marriage to make sure something like this never happens again. I have not ALWAYS had it my way. In fact our relationship swayed towards my husband’s wants and interests more than my own.
When his confidence returns there WILL be retribution. That you could hold him as your cuckold...that you could easily, and even without any true remorse, take advantage of his exemplary grace. That you easily took him for granted. That it all was so easily justified. It may take years but spears to a giver's heart do not resolve so easily.

One day he will see you for what you are. As my Father always said; Son, there are two kinds of people in this world...the givers and the takers. You've clearly drawn the line of who you are. Now he's faced with years of doubt, clouded by his own love for you, trying to see the truth of who he is actually with.

You speak of the fine husband he is, well, I guarantee you he doesn't feel that way now. True efforts to reconcile usually find the couple in HB (hysterical bonding). If he's done even one bit of research he can see where you are. In contact with your lover, or not, you are NOT with your husband. He can fool himself for awhile but that too will end. I hope for his sake much sooner than later.

To do this in such a young marriage is absolutely unconscionable. The truth is you don't love your husband. If you did you just could not find your way to this outcome. You'd have sought another way and if that didn't work you'd have left him with some degree of dignity. I'd suspect what you really love is being the wife of a good man...husband...provider...and possibly a father. It's the idea you're in love with, surely not he as a human being. Love begins with respect and trust. It's the only way it is sustained as well.

As for your current behavior and perspective...keep it up! It will just teach him what he really has all the more quickly.

It's just so very sad how people treat those they profess to "love". It's clear that so many don't even have a clue of what love is. When you'll die for another, then you'll know you're with the right person. If you cannot find someone you feel this way about...it's not they who are incapable...it's you. Until then, you're only with someone to keep you company while "YOU'RE" on your life's journey. Too bad he's not really part of it...it could be so rewarding for both of you.

I guess I don’t really have much to say for everything else you commented on. I understand how easy it is for someone like you to spill your guts and give advice when you are not facing the person or truly know the person you are advising. You go with your experience and I get that. There are several things I agree with what you said, but also many I disagree with. If you knew the person that I actually am and witnessed my true remorse and care for my husband in this situation than you may feel differently. I appreciate your input. Thank you.

Good luck...you'll need it.
 
#8 · (Edited)
Affairs are interactive fantasies. In an affair fog, one can justify and rationalize anything because the truth is....what you're experiencing in that affair isn't real. It's pretty easy to get addicted to the idea of something. Like any other kind of addiction, it's an easy escape. If you think this loser you were with is your "soul mate", then what kind of soul do you have? I'm not saying this to put you down, but to get you to think a little logically about your situation and wake up out of the fog you are still in.

You are not in love with OM, just in love with the idea of being with a "soul mate" and he is nothing but a symbol or a face to associate with that fantasy; that it is illicit makes it so much more tantalizing to you. If you want to salvage something real, then get out of your fantasy land and try to connect with your H for real. You're treating him like crap; how would you like it if your H was only with you because he felt like he was stuck with you? Wouldn't feel too good, would it?

You don't even see what a gift he's giving you with a second chance. You discarded something very real for some cheap thrills based on nothing but an idea in your head about what you think you deserve or want for yourself. Face it. Own it. Recognize the gravity of your offense. You are very lucky that he is willing to give you another chance and yet you're still moping that you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You are ungrateful. That is something you need to see about yourself.

If you want to get over this thing you did, figure out why you did it. If you're damaged and were drawn to him for his damage, then the message to take is that it's time to fix yourself. It doesn't sound like you want to be with your H, just like you're trying to fix things because you got caught cheating. Don't avoid your problems by just fixating on losing the loser you hooked up with, but face the real issues that you're avoiding in your life. Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can actually offer your H who is a saint for putting up with an apathetic wayward wife; he deserves better, but he's choosing to give you a chance to prove that you are worth the risk a second time.

You're not a bad person; you just screwed up. People screw up. But, try to stop dwelling on fantasy and deal with the reality of your situation. It will help you.
 
#19 ·
Affairs are interactive fantasies. In an affair fog, one can justify and rationalize anything because the truth is....what you're experiencing in that affair isn't real. It's pretty easy to get addicted to the idea of something. Like any other kind of addiction, it's an easy escape. If you think this loser you were with is your "soul mate", then what kind of soul do you have? I'm not saying this to put you down, but to get you to think a little logically about your situation and wake up out of the fog you are still in.

Yup, affairs are definitely fantasies and fantasies alone. It is amazing how someone can get soooo wrapped up in something that isn’t real. I felt like the OM was a drug and that is exactly what it was. I felt an intense high when I spoke to him. I know now it’s because it was so wrong and I knew it. I don’t think he is my soul mate. I know it isn’t and never was real. I find it very helpful to learn about all of this because than I know that it was simply my mind tricking me.
You are not in love with OM, just in love with the idea of being with a "soul mate" and he is nothing but a symbol or a face to associate with that fantasy; that it is illicit makes it so much more tantalizing to you. If you want to salvage something real, then get out of your fantasy land and try to connect with your H for real. You're treating him like crap; how would you like it if your H was only with you because he felt like he was stuck with you? Wouldn't feel too good, would it?

You don't even see what a gift he's giving you with a second chance. You discarded something very real for some cheap thrills based on nothing but an idea in your head about what you think you deserve or want for yourself. Face it. Own it. Recognize the gravity of your offense. You are very lucky that he is willing to give you another chance and yet you're still moping that you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You are ungrateful. That is something you need to see about yourself.

I do understand that it is a gift that he is even giving me a chance. What I have done is so incredibly wrong that I feel like I don’t deserve any type of chance and yet he is willing to fight for us. I am not moping that I can’t have my cake and eat it too…. But I understand that this is what I was doing for a while which was causing me a tremendous amount of confusion and guilt. I know what I did was very selfish and what I continued to do was even more selfish so I am working on it. I commend you for your honestly towards me. This is exactly what I need. Thank you. If you want to get over this thing you did, figure out why you did it. If you're damaged and were drawn to him for his damage, then the message to take is that it's time to fix yourself. It doesn't sound like you want to be with your H, just like you're trying to fix things because you got caught cheating. Don't avoid your problems by just fixating on losing the loser you hooked up with, but face the real issues that you're avoiding in your life. Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can actually offer your H who is a saint for putting up with an apathetic wayward wife; he deserves better, but he's choosing to give you a chance to prove that you are worth the risk a second time.

I am working on fixing myself right now. I have been reading several books and doing IC along with MC with my husband. I am already noticing several patterns in my previous relationships and I am working on breaking these patterns and understanding why I have these patterns. The concept of co-dependency is very new to me however I know after reading several books on co-dependency and sessions with my counselor that both my husband and I are absolutely co-dependent. My husband doesn’t read and doesn’t use the internet so I am helping him to understand as I learn, but he doesn’t seem very interested. I am currently working through a work-book for co-dependency and going through all of the steps to help better myself and hopefully my relationship with my husband. My husband does not want me to leave period so I am staying to give it time. I feel like this is the right thing to do for now.
You're not a bad person; you just screwed up. People screw up. But, try to stop dwelling on fantasy and deal with the reality of your situation. It will help you.

Thank you. I know I am not a bad person. Sure seems like it sometimes but I know I simply made a horrible decision and now my husband and I are living with the aftermath. I am trying to make everything better.
 
#9 ·
Sorry if you may find this harsh but...

How about when you think about the OM, instead of a stop sign you picture the OM driving a bayonet through your husband's chest piercing his heart? How can you even think about the OM without feeling revulsion? He helped destroy the man you pledged your life to. The man that pledge his entire being to you. The man that would have thrown himself into a raging inferno to save you. How can you not hate the OM for what he has done to you and your husband? He used you and threw you away like a tampon. And he stepped on your husband like a c0ckroach. This man deserves nothing but your contempt. In all your posts you keep saying how remorseful you are and that you love your husband. If that were true then not thinking about the OM wouldn't be that difficult.
 
#21 ·
I don’t know how I can think about the OM and not be repulsed. I should. I guess it’s because I was the one doing the reaching out. Not the OM. Certainty he could have ignored my phone calls, but he made a choice not to and that was wrong of him. I purposely continued to pursue this man although I knew how it was affecting my marriage and my love for my husband. I was addicted and wanted more and more. There are no excuses….. I can just say how it was. I don’t see it as the OM using me and throwing me away…. I hunted him and let him go once I grasped wtf I was doing to my marriage, love for my husband, and my own sanity. I feel like I was acting like someone I am not and it was killing me. I was always the one that said I could never have an affair and look at me now. I don’t think anyone should every say that. Affairs are such an ugly creature.

It’s been about a week since this post and I have been meaning to get back but work has been SUPER busy. I can say now that I don’t think about the OM as much as I did before. I think about the intense feelings I had for someone/something that wasn’t real but other than that I don’t think too much about him… and I am beginning to feel happier with how I am approaching everything. I am still spending as much time as I can with my husband but I still feel like same as I did a week ago. We are being very patient.
 
#11 ·
The majority of the time cheating spouse always affair down think of it this way
Your withsomeone who has no ethics or morals and is willingbto be withand play
A married woman the vast times these guys go for women that are married is because
They are easy pickings you ever watxch a show like natl geographic when lions are huntinh gazelles they always chose the most vulanerable of the back the grass is never greenier
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#12 ·
Red flags/negative traits: 1. He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2. He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
3. He is bad at managing money.
4. He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
5. He lets people walk all over him without care.

Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!! :scratchhead:

It sure is.

It's possible that even if you had chosen to leave your husband for the OM, that eventually you'd find yourself in the same situation once the two of you were living in a committed relationship. Have you thought about that?
 
#22 ·
I would never leave my husband’s arms for another man’s arms but for hypothetically thinking... YES it is a fact that this would happen again. I have never cheated before this but lately I have been doing a relationship inventory of my past and there is a pattern of ALWAYS having one foot out the door ( my eyes on someone else) that has led to my feelings to dissipate for the other person. Although I never pursued anything with those other men i had my eyes on, but it did in fact cause me to instantly lose my feelings towards the person I was seeing and then I would end it. I have always been the one to end the relationships i have been in. I would do anything to take back what happened and how I caused my husband horrendous pain… but there is one thing that I am thankful for. I am thankful that what has happened as caused me to open my eyes and learn how to prevent anything like this from ever happening again. It has also caused me to learn more about myself and the behavior that I repeat. My husband does not deserve to be treated like all of those past relationships so I am not giving up on us.
 
#16 ·
Hunger, life is short. And right now, you are wasting two peoples' time. Yours, and the poor fellow who happens to be your husband.

You're married to a hard working guy. For your own reasons, you decided that your path to happiness involved having relations with a drug-using, dope smoking, financially challenged womanizer.

Because you don't truly value your husband.

Hell, in your introductory post here, you discuss the details of your recent MC session, where you spent the session talking about......

the boyfriend.

You have every right to make your own choices and live the life that results from them, and more power to you.

What will make you a bad person is choosing to harm other people. That's what you're doing right now, every day. You have a decent, imperfect man who is your husband. And you are torturing him, daily.

And why? Not because you love him- if you loved him, druggie boy wouldn't have gotten in your pants. You don't even find your husband attractive right now. You have no deep feelings for him at all.

You are doing this because you just don't want to feel bad about your own choices.

"At least I know that no matter what happens in the future that I did it the right way for my husband and I. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did it any other way."

No, you're just doing it the way to salve your own feelings.

Let's go back to the part in your posts on this thread where you come right out and say

"I LOVE MY HUSBAND."



Oh, wait. You haven't said that.

Lady, you're wasting your time. Its your time to waste. But you are also wasting the time of someone who cares about you a lot more than you care about them.

That's seriously bad karma. You should think about doing the right thing for him by cutting him loose, and giving him a chance to find someone who likes him so much that she'll have sex only with him.
 
#17 ·
Hunger~

I think you're on the right path. I know I had a lot of trouble stopping the "thinking of the OM" too because it was frankly...such a habit! But like any habit, you can change it. What I did was every time I thought of the OM, I envisioned the stopsign too:

Next, every time OM popped in my head, I tried to change it to a positive thought about Dear Hubby. In addition I tried to put as much effort into Dear Hubby as I had into OM (such as thinking of poems or doing ecards, etc.). My thought at the time was that I spent a lot of time doing stuff to keep that feeling going--maybe if I put EQUAL time into getting THIS feeling going, it would get going too.

Finally, like you I did stuff with Dear Hubby that we just both enjoyed doing. For example, no grand, romantic rendezvous in an isolated mountain cabin (because then it would feel like pressure to feel what I just didn't feel yet), but rather we went to car shows. We read books out loud together. We went to the bookstore and the handmade soap store and out to coffee. At home, after work, we did stuff together--cooked and watched movies we both liked. Gradually I really got to just LIKE the guy a LOT... and it didn't take much! In real life, my Dear Hubby is an AMAZING person whom I adore and to get feelings back for him was pretty easy. But I did have to invest in it.

So in summary: Change thoughts of OM to STOP! Change the STOP to a positive thought about your hubby. In other words, purposefully change your thoughts (and when a negative though about hubby sneaks in there...think STOP too!!). Next, do things that are fun together, so that your memories of your hubby are "oh we did this and this and this together and I enjoyed his company" rather than "he did that and that and that which made me mad and I felt hurt and did not even want to be with him".

Between those two--changing your thoughts and enjoying time with him--you will have the kindling and the flame to reignite that blaze of passion.
 
#31 ·
Before my EA I resented my husband, got to the point where I was at my wits end..got tired of trying and him wanting me to change and me wanting him to change so I checked out and like you didn't think I could get that passion back and now we have been reconciled for a couple of months and bonding like crazy..I was wrong it is possible, every day my love for him grows deeper and deeper but the thing is we are both working on treating eachother much better now..He needs my positive attention just as much as I need his..We do more things with eachother and for eachother. But let me warn you (if you get your passion for him back) it is a very bumpy ride..I feel sick when I think of the OM yet he is always asking me questions about him, if this happens be patient and answer all of his questions. Reassure him you will never do it again. We have rough days working through all of this and I hate myself for causing all of this..It's so painful for him and for me. Don't give up, I thought about giving up..was ready for divorce and luckily came to my senses.
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#72 · (Edited)
From so many of your posts it defintely seems like we were in a very similar situation. I understand the whole wanting to check out thing. I have gone back and forth several times because our home life lately has been so rocky. I will “check out” for a night thinking I need to stay at my Dad’s right down the street and plan on separating for a bit and then go right back home the next day. I don’t really feel bad about it because the times I have done this is because he gets very angry and starts breaking things and it scares me. That is so awesome that you got your passion back for your husband. That helps me to have hope for us! I look at my husband and know that he is a wonderful man and lately I have caught myself staring/studying him while we are together because I don’t understand why I don’t feel attracted to him when he is clearly a very attractive man…. Lol… silly I know but I have found myself doing this. We still hang out constantly and even cuddle very closely on the couch every night but I don’t feel anything. We tried making love about a week ago and I felt nothing and ended up feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for doing it and not feeling anything, but we both wanted to try so bad just to see if it would help. Our sex life was never wonderful so maybe this is something that we can work on moving forward if I do begin to feel passion with time.

I am not going to give up. I keep telling myself that I am still blinded and that I can’t give up on us because I have nothing to lose if I stay for now. .. and of course he wants me to stay no matter how I am feeling.

I never did a no contact letter with the OM or anything because my situation was very different in the sense that I was ALWAYS the initiator and almost every time he would tell me that we should not be talking until I make a decision and that if I ever loved my husband or think I will ever get my feelings back again than I should stay with my husband and not talk to him. I would do so good and not talk to him for days and then I would get the urge and start all over again. It was tough but I know now that it was because I was addicted. I got a high when I talked to him and then I began to feel guilty to the point where I would stop it for a while … and it was a toxic cycle. It is so crazy how that works. I hate myself for not being able to just STOP. I always thought I was stronger than that but I guess not.
 
#33 ·
Leslie,

Please, if you would, answer these questions:

1) What is your husband's educational background? What is your educational background?


2) What does your husband do for a living? What is your occupation?


3) You say he is an outdooors kind of guy who loves hunting and fishing, while you are not into these things. Why were you attracted to a man who had so little in common with you?


4) List 10 positive qualities you like or love about your husband.



5) List 10 negative qualities you wish you could change about him.


6) Which of you is the higher earner in the marriage, and what is the earnings difference?


I'm interested to know what he is like, because, frankly, I'm f*cking sick and tired of hearing about the piece of sh*t you banged and what an intellectually stimulating piece of sh*t he was.

I think maybe if you can quantify the negative and positives about your husband, we can help you to look objectively at what it was that led you to emotionally disconnect from him.
 
#34 ·
Leslie,

Please, if you would, answer these questions:

1) What is your husband's educational background? What is your educational background?


2) What does your husband do for a living? What is your occupation?
He's a Hunter/Fisherman



The reason why I am asking is because it really concerns me that so many people would rather tell me to give up rather than try. I know for a fact that my counselor would never tell me that giving up is the right to do unless of course I was still wanting to see the OM or maybe if I just didn’t care. I don’t know… I just figured I would see what you though. Thanksssss.

There's definitely a compatibility issue here. When someone enters into marriage pressurized and uncertain of their love for their spouse, have very little in common on an intellectual level and bears very little sexual connection to them then you're just hammering those nails in. If you've had those feeling for 5 years and only stuck with him because he made you feel loved/safe but you couldn't reciprocate those feelings then you're just swimming against the tide in my opinion.

What's there to salvage if there was nothing to begin with?. Unless you genuinely loved this man and have always had that spark with him then this marriage is definitely salvageable if not, you don't really have a crutch to stand on.
 
#40 ·
Hunger,

I've read your threads. You need to wait. Do not leave your husband until you are sure of your feelings. When I cheated on Beowulf I was absolutely sure I had married the wrong man. I had not one doubt. I was wrong. We weren't communicating well. I didn't see things clearly. That was partly the fog but also partly because we really weren't listening to each other. After we reconciled I still didn't think I loved him. At least not like a wife and a lover. But after I got my head clear I began to appreciate the little things that I didn't let myself see. Then we started communicating and I saw how we had lost our connection. That was 20 years ago and I love him more every day. Treat your husband right. Help him to heal from his pain. In time you may very well see why you loved him. And then when you start communicating more you will find more and more reasons to love. In the meantime, just have patience. I'm living proof that it can work out.
 
#98 ·
Thank you Morrigon for the advice. You seem to have a very wise husband and his help has been greatly useful. I am hoping that everything will come back once my head has cleared. I have never been patient in my life so this is a definate challenge but towards a good cause. Thank you. ;-)
 
#41 ·
:iagree:

Hunger aka S.A,

Do not leave your husband. If he has offered the gift of R and you are willing to better yourself with IC and together with MC then stay.

You need the time to get your feelngs straightened out for you and for your husband.

I do not doubt that you love him.

Now it is time to see if you can get your feelings back for him. That takes time.

The key is to be honest with each other. Respect each other and and do not let your marriage go back to the way it was that lead you to stray.

Stay strong and have faith in you, your husband and in your marriage.

My prayers are for you and your husband this holiday weekend.

HM64
 
#75 ·
You said it perfectly. I completely agree. We are both working on being very respectful towards each other and I will continue to be honest with everything that I do. I understand that it takes a lot of time to re-build trust. Thank you for your prayers.
 
#45 ·
To Hunger, CantSitStill, and Affaircare,

I am currently the husband in the situations all three of you have mentioned going through, and all I can say is please keep trying to work it out if your heart is in it. My wife is currently in the state that you once found yourself in, and I am hoping and praying that she will come to realize what you have been able to. As long as you are genuinely trying to heal and make things work, as it sounds like all of you are or already have, I think it is worth fighting the good fight.

Breakdowns are rarely only in one direction, so I'm sure your husband(s) appreciate the chance to work on the relationship from their side as well, as I know I would if given the chance.

If I may ask, what made you decide to give up the EA and work on the marriage after you had felt so fargone in the other direction? I am looking for any glimmer of hope regarding my wife...

Thanks and good luck to all of you.
 
#46 ·
Well for me after many times of trying to stop talking to the OM and landed up texting him days later..eventually I told hubby about him and left to stay with my sister.. Well the OM suddenly ignored me..I tried calling and texting with no response..Then after talking to a lawyer I had a real bad nervous breakdown..Wanted to go to the mental hosp. Well hubby was at work and had a feeling something was really really wrong, so he texted me and calmed me, came and got me, fed me (I hadn't been able to eat or sleep for days) Hubby's compassion after I betrayed him proved to me that he really does love me.. He helped me pack up and took me home..from there we have been talking and bonding daily..ups and downs but we are respecting eachother so much more..starting over...I never contacted the OM since but he tried to contact me. I told hubby right away and he dealt with him..now the OM is blocked.. so much more to the story but that is the short version.
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