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Day to day baby steps.... Feedback encouraged.

39K views 261 replies 31 participants last post by  CantSitStill 
#1 ·
The post “Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?” from Bandit is the reason why I decided to write this post.
When I read the post from Bandit I really had to think hard about it because I can’t really say for sure if I upgraded or downgraded……. But it brought me to what I did in counseling yesterday morning and I would like to share because I feel like it like it is a great building block for moving forward.

Background for yesterday’s session: Still NC with the OM but I can’t get him out of my head. I am constantly feeling guilt-ridden because I can’t stop thinking about this person. Nights are the worst when I am lying down next to my H! Currently I am working on directing my thought process by picturing a stop sign every time I think about this person. I guess it works a bit. I just keep telling myself that I have to remain patient because time will help these thoughts/feelings fade away. I told my MC all of this so she decided we needed to do a little activity where I wrote down what I would I would be losing versus gaining if I stopped thinking about the OM versus if I didn't stop about the OM, plus we wrote down any red flags (negative traits) I noticed about the OM.

It went kind of like this:
What would I be gaining if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Peace of mind because I would know whatever happens that I did it the right way and with a clear head… (Not in a fog due to the OM).
2. Possible R with H.
3. Personal integrity and strength
4. No guilt or confusion.

What would I be losing if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Other than the hope or feelings that there is someone out there that may actually be my “soul mate” which the probability of that is most likely zilch, than I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be losing anything by not thinking about this person.


Red flags/negative traits: 1. He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2. He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
3. He is bad at managing money.
4. He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
5. He lets people walk all over him without care.

Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!! :scratchhead:

Of course this activity helped me to think about this person at that moment, but overall I think it was useful to show me what I really would not be missing by NC with this person.

So I guess why it was so difficult for me to say if it was an upgrade or downgrade is because the emotions and feelings that were involved with this other person did not happen because of those obvious traits. Hence the word EA, the affair was very mental and emotional. An addiction that I couldn’t kick is pretty much the only way I can explain it. Physical appearance didn’t really play a huge part either because he is clearly not as good looking as my H in anyway. It’s just that when I looked at this person, I felt like I was looking very deeply… more deeply than I have ever experienced. When people on here talk about the chemicals involved in an EA and PA than it makes sense as to why I felt like I was looking so “deeply” I guess…. If that makes any sense.

It blows my mind to think that everything involved in affair can really just boil down to chemicals and your mind tricking you.
How incredible harsh.

So as for my H and I we are just taking baby steps. I don’t know what is going to happen (R or D) in the end but I have hope that with time my feelings will change and my thoughts will only be consumed by my H.

I understand that this forum is primarily for betrayed spouses and I definitely felt that when I first posted my story here about a week ago (under Stephanie Anne…. changed username for specific reasons) by the intense; sometimes harsh comments although very deserved…. So I thank you for taking your time to read and respond. I have to say that I did get some very intriguing and helpful advice that I am very thankful for as well.

If you would like the background of my situation I am including the link to my 1st post under this username which I wrote after my 1st post under Stephanie Anne. There isn’t a whole lot of detail about the affair which I had in the previous (deleted) post… nevertheless I feel like it expresses pretty well what is going on.

I guess this post is more of a “just thinking” post rather than a question; however I welcome advice/opinions/any help you may be able to send my way….. Considering that I am still working very diligently to not think about the OM and to work on myself and my marriage.
 
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#120 ·
i am not like your husband. i wil not give any more advice to you. you are not worth my time. i read your writing and it still reeks of self entitlment. i told you exactly what would happen, you blasted me, now it is happening. your husband only needs time away from you to heal. once he realizes what a drag on his life you were he will be a new man.
 
#122 ·
DO NOT give him any false hope... Hunger you know it's over.. go thru with the divorce..don't confuse him anymore. It sucks but too bad. You know it's not gonna work out. You cannot stop your addiction twords the OM. I would just end it now.
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#127 ·
I DONT want to give him false hope whatsoever; this is the exact reason why I left. I am just so lost and confused and I hate myself for contacting the OM. I just wonder if I give it a month with NC and barely any contact with my H if I would feel differently.
 
#123 ·
Hunger,

I can't advise you as to how you feel. And I can't advise you regarding what your husband needs. Those are things that each of you has to address on his/her own. I can tell you that I believe you still have very strong feelings for your husband but your continued infatuation with the OM will never allow you to love him fully again. Like CSS, I had a feeling you would eventually contact the OM again and as long as he is in your head and heart there is no room for your husband.

I read a blog recently that talked about how many women have difficulty with the men in their lives. They want the security and affection that is show by the more "beta" type male but they feel very little attraction to them. They are attracted to the more "alpha" male who really doesn't need them and sometimes treats them badly but it just makes the infatuation grow even more.

Please read this article and especially note the comments from Annie James. Does this describe your dilemma at all?

HBO’s Girls Exposes Pretty Lies | Hooking Up Smart
 
#129 ·
I do have very strong feelings for my husband and I miss him at time, but I feel like reaching out is the WRONG thing to do. I want to hold on; yet I am afraid to cause more pain. I wish I had all the answers.

I cant read the article right now because it is blocked but I will pull it up at home tonght and let you know.
 
#125 ·
As I told you in pm you need to work on yourself before being in a relationship with anyone..I really mean that.. You should never depend on anyone else for your own happiness because it wouldn't be fair to that peson..Continue IC and learn to find that happiness within yourself..
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#133 ·
Oh nevermind Beowulf I see what you are talking about. I get the whole nice guy being a turn off which my Husband is FOR SURE a "nice guy"; however I have never been into jerks as a turn on. I dated one jerk a few times and it was a huge turn off and me being turned off by his behavior actually caused him to "fall in love" with me... so weird. I think it was because he was so use to the girls loving him because he treated them like crap. Yeah, not for me.
 
#138 ·
Your OM is a jerk. You don't see that?

This is exactly what is going on right now. You are waffling back and forth between the nice guy who literally worships the ground you walk on (husband) and the jerk who could care less about you personally and is only interested in the body part between your legs (OM). You are following the dual sexual strategy that leaves so many women alone and bitter because MR. Right didn't fall into their laps. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror because what you're doing is not going to end well for you. Its already destroying your husband and you aren't going to be far behind.
 
#135 ·
You're serious correct Hunger? Hunger is a good name for you.

You are driven by hunger rather than by loyalty, by conviction, or by integrity. It's all about how it all "feels".

I feel for your BS, he should not have to endure the likes of you.

Like in the "Bodyguard". You are Nikki Marin...you're not Rachel. She was just as much, a less commited woman. Great example. You're type deserves no such commitment.

Pitiful is all I can say...pitiful.
 
#136 ·
I just read your thread.

I think your biggest problem is lying. You lied to the good folks here on TAM telling them you had broken all contact off with the OM.

Well.

How are we to know you are not lying now? The OM may be sitting next to you while you are typing these posts.

You need to tell your husband the truth, that you never gave up the OM and you have been stringing him along. Do something honest for once.
 
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#141 ·
I have been honest on TAM. There was a week and one time 2 weeks where I was posting several times that I was in NC with the OM hence the postings; yet I would fault and quit posting out of guilt and shame. My husband knows that I have struggled to let go of the OM. He can tell when I am in NC I act different and happier about working on things and when I am in contact I am down/depressed/confused and hate myself. :/ This is why I HAD to leave.
 
#137 ·
You are choosing the OM over your husband.

And all it's costing is your husbands health and his soul.

I don't have any advice for you other than you continue to make selfish choices and are wrongly choosing to continue you freaking affair.

Life at home was hell because you were cintinuing to lie and cheat. No further fancy analysis is needed. Your selfish choices are entirely the cause of all of this.
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#139 ·
God I feel sorry for your husband.The OM has "the connection" that is more important to you above all things so go and be with him.I suspect the reality won't stand up to the fantasy when you do.When you divorce then make it a clean break and leave your husband to heal in his own way and without you in the picture at all.I feel bad for you in a way because I think if you don't change you'll always be on the chase,living a life unfulfilled,looking for that thing that is missing.In time your husband will heal,meet someone who truly loves him,have a family and a happier life and you'll just be a fading memory to him.If you love him as you say then this is the very least you could wish for him in my opinion.Maybe you can take some solace in that.Hope you find your way.
 
#140 ·
This is as I expected all along, you were rationalizing your behaviour from the onset, no chemicals or anyother mumbojumbo. You were bailing a sinking ship with a bucket because fundamentally you were not compatible with your husband. I'm glad you filed for divorce, I just hope he doesn't get hooked on whatever drug your betrayal made him get on.
 
#143 ·
(sorry for the grammar, I'm not from any anglo-saxon country) Hunger, your problem isn't the affair nor the divorce, your mistake was getting married to somebody that you didn't love. He was pushy but you let him push you to the altar. I believe that you only cared about his looks without knowing him.

Don't worry about your ex husband though, if he is really that handsome (and young) women will chase him more than they did before he met you. They'll treat him like a sick puppy and since he's needy he'll fall sooner than later. Don't blame yourself for not being in love with him, that's not really your problem.
 
#151 ·
Where I can see where Beowulf is coming from I think the same thing should happen to Hunger as it did with HH's wife.

She needs to go be with the OM then see him for the scumbag that he truly is and then decide if she made the right decision.

I think what Hunger doesn't realize is just how low men who mess with married women are considered to us guys, there's alot more to him than he's letting on and she will surely find this out.

Hopefully by the time this all said and done Hunger would've learnt a valuable life lesson, her husband would've gotten his sh!t together and found someone that will adore him just as much as he adores Hunger.
 
#156 ·
The last thing I want is for my H to stand by while I self-destruct by having no control over the situation. I removed myself from our home and filed for divorce because I am aware that I have been sitting on the fence. The reason why I did this is because I love my H. It may not be the type of love between a H and W and it is very tragic that I went through with a marriage without realizing this completely, but I know I love him. All I think about is how he is feeling and I want to hold him and comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be alright, but I dont know that and although right now he thinks that is what he needs; its not by any means and I can't continue to give him false hope. I hope you are right when you that you hope my H finds someone that adores him just as much as he adores me. All I want is for him to be truly happy.
 
#160 ·
Because if he does, at that second all your confusion about how you feel for him will clear away like a mist in the breeze.

I hope it doesn't come to that for you to realize how you truly feel about him.

I don't know where I'm going with it either. Just food for thought.
 
#162 ·
You keep saying how much you want your husband to be happy.

Yet you keep choosing the choices that bring him pain and suffering.

So your claims are proven to be lies by your actions,

And you are attracted to the POSOM. Seriously what is wrong with you? You got a great guy who loves you, and you choose a scumbag who happily cheats with a married woman. Well we know you share the same values of the OM, you've got that in common.
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