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Day to day baby steps.... Feedback encouraged.

39K views 261 replies 31 participants last post by  CantSitStill 
#1 ·
The post “Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?” from Bandit is the reason why I decided to write this post.
When I read the post from Bandit I really had to think hard about it because I can’t really say for sure if I upgraded or downgraded……. But it brought me to what I did in counseling yesterday morning and I would like to share because I feel like it like it is a great building block for moving forward.

Background for yesterday’s session: Still NC with the OM but I can’t get him out of my head. I am constantly feeling guilt-ridden because I can’t stop thinking about this person. Nights are the worst when I am lying down next to my H! Currently I am working on directing my thought process by picturing a stop sign every time I think about this person. I guess it works a bit. I just keep telling myself that I have to remain patient because time will help these thoughts/feelings fade away. I told my MC all of this so she decided we needed to do a little activity where I wrote down what I would I would be losing versus gaining if I stopped thinking about the OM versus if I didn't stop about the OM, plus we wrote down any red flags (negative traits) I noticed about the OM.

It went kind of like this:
What would I be gaining if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Peace of mind because I would know whatever happens that I did it the right way and with a clear head… (Not in a fog due to the OM).
2. Possible R with H.
3. Personal integrity and strength
4. No guilt or confusion.

What would I be losing if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Other than the hope or feelings that there is someone out there that may actually be my “soul mate” which the probability of that is most likely zilch, than I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be losing anything by not thinking about this person.


Red flags/negative traits: 1. He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2. He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
3. He is bad at managing money.
4. He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
5. He lets people walk all over him without care.

Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!! :scratchhead:

Of course this activity helped me to think about this person at that moment, but overall I think it was useful to show me what I really would not be missing by NC with this person.

So I guess why it was so difficult for me to say if it was an upgrade or downgrade is because the emotions and feelings that were involved with this other person did not happen because of those obvious traits. Hence the word EA, the affair was very mental and emotional. An addiction that I couldn’t kick is pretty much the only way I can explain it. Physical appearance didn’t really play a huge part either because he is clearly not as good looking as my H in anyway. It’s just that when I looked at this person, I felt like I was looking very deeply… more deeply than I have ever experienced. When people on here talk about the chemicals involved in an EA and PA than it makes sense as to why I felt like I was looking so “deeply” I guess…. If that makes any sense.

It blows my mind to think that everything involved in affair can really just boil down to chemicals and your mind tricking you.
How incredible harsh.

So as for my H and I we are just taking baby steps. I don’t know what is going to happen (R or D) in the end but I have hope that with time my feelings will change and my thoughts will only be consumed by my H.

I understand that this forum is primarily for betrayed spouses and I definitely felt that when I first posted my story here about a week ago (under Stephanie Anne…. changed username for specific reasons) by the intense; sometimes harsh comments although very deserved…. So I thank you for taking your time to read and respond. I have to say that I did get some very intriguing and helpful advice that I am very thankful for as well.

If you would like the background of my situation I am including the link to my 1st post under this username which I wrote after my 1st post under Stephanie Anne. There isn’t a whole lot of detail about the affair which I had in the previous (deleted) post… nevertheless I feel like it expresses pretty well what is going on.

I guess this post is more of a “just thinking” post rather than a question; however I welcome advice/opinions/any help you may be able to send my way….. Considering that I am still working very diligently to not think about the OM and to work on myself and my marriage.
 
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#171 ·
Initially I really thought she had a chance to recover her marriage. But she fell like so many other fall. It's sad. Worse for her husband. I really feel bad about the entire situation. Its so damned unnecessary.
 
#184 ·
I would have listened to what my heart was telling me before I got married. I would have focused on what these doubts were and deal with them then. I hate that meeting someone else is what brough the issues to the surface. I wish it would have happened any other way.
 
#185 ·
As I didn't understand at first, hunger doesn't get it yet as for the OM being a "bad boy" She persued him..well i did too but a gentleman would back the hell off..I thought my OM was being a gentleman because he never tried to have any sexual encounter with me...luckily my husband learned from this site and he did everything right. He is the reason I get and understand that it wasnt just me but the OMs fault too. I cannot thank you all so much for having Calvin do the 180 and tough love because it's how I came around and out of the fog.
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#186 ·
You're right, she doesn't see the OM as a bad boy. She thinks that because she pursued him that takes him off the hook. She doesn't get that these guys don't have to pursue the women they want. They manipulate them into being the pursuers. There are so many blogs on the subject. This guy set up the entire situation with that first conversation. He got her so juiced up for him that all he had to do was sit back and wait for her to come to him. That's how its done in this new world.

That's why I wish Hunger's husband was on here so we could help him. No offense to Hunger but she is so deep in the fog I don't think there is much we can say to help. The things a BS has to do to pull the WS out of the fog is so counter intuitive that many don't do it. Calvin loved you so much he walked through emotional fire for you. You're very fortunate to have him. And I know you know that. You guys are going to have a great life together and a long happy marriage. I wish everyone could be as fortunate.
 
#189 ·
Well they have only been married for 7 months so I cannot relate since ive been married 20yrs but Beowulf is right about the OM saying the right things "wrong" and sitting back knowing he has her
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#190 ·
Yesterday I got off work and went to our home to pick up my bed, clothes, and a few other things. I moved into a room at a friend’s house in the same little city we live in. She is an ex-coworker and took me in with no rent as long as I pay the house bills while my H and I figure out our situation. Still talking to the OM but I know deep down it is killing me. Well I go through stages. When I see my husband we keep hysterically crying and holding each other and then when I leave I feel okay until I start talking to the OM. When I see the OM the intense bonding between the two of us is hard to overlook; however when I am away I feel sick to my stomach every day. I find myself having to step out of work every once in a while because I start bawling. My H is calling me almost hourly crying and begging me to come home and I answer and cry with him. I actually called him this morning on the way to work bawling because I am so scared and worried about him. I am also living with a tremendous amount of guilt and pain for what I have done and still doing. My heart hurts so deep for my H right now and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I could stay and focus on our marriage but a part of me feels like that wouldn’t be fair for him because I feel like I am going to continue to hurt him. This is what I mean by stages. There hasn’t been one time I have been fully focused on reconciliation. My heart and mind has always been with the OM and I wish that it would stop. I even feel an obsessiveness about the OM. I guess this is the addiction. I know that the advice on here is usually for BS and I understand. I just have no one to talk to and don’t know what to do with all of this pain I have caused. I want to cry and tell my H how sorry I am every minute of every day. I guess I am also scared about everything right now. I am scared that everything that I am doing is wrong. I feel like I am so stuck and I can’t move. I can clearly see that what I am doing is killing my H, myself, and my family and I don’t stop. I feel insane. I just want to drink at night so I can fall asleep and I can barely function at work. I feel like EVERYTHING I am doing is wrong. :( I guess I just need help with stopping. I don’t know how to on my own. I wonder if there is truly something completely wrong with me and this is why this happened. I don’t know what I am trying to say but I know I must sound completely and utterly pathetic.
 
#193 ·
I will call after work and see if I can see someone tomorrow. I called the OM today and told him I can never speak to him because it is killing me inside, killing my H, and my family. He said that he supports that decision. I am going to dinner with my Dad tonight to talk. I felt a little bit of relief after telling the OM no more but I have felt this way before and it didn't stop me. I have to be stronger this time and pray A LOT. My H knows that this entire time I was talking to the OM and he will still begging me to come home because he is so hurt, sad, and lonely without me there. I dont feel like I should go home just yet because I dont trust myself at this point, but maybe I should. I dont know. I feel like as long as I dont talk to the OM which I know HAS to happen or I will probably kill myself than I will be able to think clearly about the entire situation. That thought gives me a hope. :/ Feel like such a cold person which I know I am not... Just torn and not thinking with my head; only my heart. I have to force myself to only think logically from now on or at least until things get figured out.
 
#196 ·
Hunger after not talking to the OM for 6 wks it will get easier, you WILL be able to go on with your life without him. Remember he is no good for you and remember all of his faults.
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#203 ·
Well my Dad is keeping me accountable with my phone records because I am on his plan and he also has me on GPS since we have iphones. I know the OM's number my heart. I can get through these withdrawls knowing that it is the best thing for my H rather we are together or not once all of this subsides. I may see a doctor about possibly getting anti-depressents or something. Thanks.
 
#204 ·
I certaintly feel like a junkie right now. Don't get me wrong I am not getting wasted everynight or anything of that sort. I had some drinks on Sunday night with a girlfriend but that was it. I just said that is what I want to do everynight to fall alsleep but I dont. Instead I work out and wear myself out. Last night was the first night I slept for over 7 hours. I guess I felt some relief in telling the OM I can NEVER speak to him again and then my H came over to the house I am staying at and we sat up and talked for a few hours and at one point went to the store to get some food. My counselor thinks that at this point it is okay if maybe at times we lean on each other a bit as a healing process as long as I am not giving false hope at this moment because I dont know waht will happen, I am not talking to the OM, and he is not turning to the drugs.

Yeah maybe that is why my husband and I found each other.... our addictive personalities. Who knows.
 
#206 ·
Also, betamale was right when he said that my H has no shame being clingy. I guess this is why I have been holding on so much. Every time I talk to him he is crying and can't compose himself. I just want to take care of him and tell him everything is going to be okay. I have never been married before but I have had my heart broken over another person so I understand the being betrayed feelings. It is unbelievably excruciating. I went to dinner with my Dad last night before the H came over to the house I am staying at and he was telling me that he thinks my H is completely out of control right now. He is missing tons of work and coping with the pills. When I am at work he calls me constantly and if there comes a time we are together he is constantly trying to hold my hand and touch my face and everything. I feel like it pushes me away at times because I don’t have those feelings right now. I hate that I am saying that but it is true. I disconnected and now I am trying to figure out what I really want. I don’t know if by talking to my H whenever he wants or by letting him come over when he wants to talk is healthy but I do know that it makes him feel better and I just want him to be happy. I don’t tell him things like let’s work on everything or give him false hope in any ways…. I am being very cautious about that. On the other hand I feel like I have a wall up as well. All I know right now is that I can’t have any contact with the OM and be able to think clearly. I feel that is the right thing to do. I also feel like it is okay to be out of the house for now as long as I am focusing on what is going on and not being self-destructive in any ways. I guess I don’t know what I am trying to say……….
 
#207 ·
Okay one more thing.......... Since my H and I are in agreement that we don't know what the future will bring and I am not at a point where I can say my heart is into a true reconciliation.... however we know that we both need to work on ourselves and be happy for ourselves....

Do you any of you have any guidelines or maybe things that may help in a separation situation?

Also, as a brief reminder... I do not feel like I love my husband the way he deserves to be love and I am not living at our home. I am committed to NC with the OM and working on myself while being there for my H when he needs for me to be. I have hope that following through with these commitments will shed some light to our situation or if anything help us to feel better in the future.
 
#210 ·
Of course he's missing tons of work,so did I!
YOU are the one to hold yourself accountable,NOT DADDY.I've read through all your threads,all I hear is me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me.
You appear to be self centered and spoiled.
His heart is not something to toy with.You want sympathy,understanding.And you lied about the lenght of time you contacted OM.

You cried yourself to sleep?Give me a break.Your hubby is going to OD and you still want to play high school games.Grow up and do the right thing and leave him alone,you already said you dont love him as a husband.If you feel bad for him put him on TAMs where these good folks will help him.
Lose the saftey net and go with the other man,you always have daddy to fall back on for $.
What comes around goes around,someone will break your heart and not give a sh!t sooner or later.What youre doing is torture.
I used to think you got off to this,now I know you do.
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#211 ·
Of course he's missing tons of work,so did I!
YOU are the one to hold yourself accountable,NOT DADDY.I've read through all your threads,all I hear is me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me.
You appear to be self centered and spoiled.
His heart is not something to toy with.You want sympathy,understanding.And you lied about the lenght of time you contacted OM.

You cried yourself to sleep?Give me a break.Your hubby is going to OD and you still want to play high school games.Grow up and do the right thing and leave him alone,you already said you dont love him as a husband.If you feel bad for him put him on TAMs where these good folks will help him.
Lose the saftey net and go with the other man,you always have daddy to fall back on for $.What comes around goes around,someone will break your heart and not give a sh!t sooner or later.What youre doing is torture.
I used to think you got off to this,now I know you do.
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Agreed. Time to put up or shut up. You said you want to help your husband. He will obviously do whatever you ask. Then tell him he needs to post here. The advice we will give him will change his life. You will also find him more attractive after his transformation. After we open his eyes he prob would not want you but this is for him not you right.
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#216 ·
i love it when i see these statements. i can't, he won't, i don't have the time, what about the kids? You could, you will, you found the time and came up with solutions to lie and cheat. i think you can figure out a way to get him on here. You complian you have all day to think, well spend that thinking of how to get him on here. you say he is crying all the time and is begging for you back after cheating on him because you are all that but you can't get him to check out a web site.
 
#221 ·
I'm sick of this....

The problem is not the husband. Hunger is the problem.

She married a man whom she did not love to begin with and was not compatible with, cheated on him, and is now torn between her obvious love feelings for the OM and some twisted sense of loyalty to her husband who she likes alot but does not love one iota.

Hunger, get a damn divorce and quit torturing the poor man!

What the hell is the matter with you?
 
#222 ·
Hunger it's to the point where no matter how much you hate it and no matter how hard it is, it is time for you to make your own decisions. Not sure this site can help you any more. No one is going to decide for you. It's called growing up. Yep growing up sucks but you have no choice. So glad you do not have any children at this time.
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