bandit.45

Yes, that and the "covert contracts" that he probably uses to manipulate Hunger to do what he wants. Nothing wears a woman down faster.

Hunger

Hello Cantsitstill.... I always like hearing from you. Sorry it took me so long to get back.

I wouldn’t say I have found my passion for my hubby yet, but there are a few positive things that have happened since last time I posted. One; I had a very negative dream about the OM… in the dream we met somewhere and I did not find him attractive at all.. In fact I was thinking about my hubby the entire time and ended up leaving before we could talk much and that is about all I remember. I shared this with my counselor and saw this as a very positive thing because I took it as in a way closing the door on the OM unconsciously. Second: I also feel happier for the future knowing that I continue to not contact the OM and think positively about moving forward. About a week ago I was thinking negative all the time and didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see a glimmer of light….. a chance that there may be a reconciliation if I continue what I am doing. My Husband also seems to be getting stronger.

On the other hand I feel like I still have a wall up that I somehow created. The “in love” feelings are not here yet and I don’t feel the need for affection or the want to give him affection, but I am doing the motions anyways. My counselor suggested I try and do all of the motions I would have done in the past and hopefully my feelings will follow. I definitely see how much my husband loves me and I am trying ot focus on that. Thank you for checking on me.

Beowulf

Hunger,

Check out the website. The book is free so you can't beat it. See if you see a lot of your husband in the different "Nice Guy" descriptions. Its a quick read but something in your answers struck me hard and reminded me of that book.

Hunger

I will do this first thing! Thank you.

bandit.45

Its an interesting read. Basically some men adopt "good guy" traits to survive tumultuous childhoods. These traits are eventually damaging to a marriage because they involve alot of covert manipulation of their wives in ways that are hard to notice or recognize.

You and your hubby should get this book and read it together. It will give you alot of insights as to wether your husband is a toxic "Nice Guy" or not, and may give you some ideas on how to deal with him. The website has a blog of rugged goofy guys who like to smack on each other and help each other out. He may like it.

Hunger

"Covert contracts"?? ..... Sorry.

Hunger

My husband does not get on the internet...period... but I will look up the book or print it out if I can. I cant bring up the website here so I dont know the options but I will figure it out.

Hunger

I just wanted you to know that I greatly appreciate your time and feedback. I read over what you wrote a few times and I completely agree with you. I am determined to stay on track to see what comes of all of this. Thanks again.

Beowulf

Hunger,

Picture a house. Walls, ceilings, windows. When you first posted your husband was outside the house, the OM was in the same room with you and all the windows were boarded shut. When you told your husband about the OM you unboarded the windows and saw your husband standing outside the house looking in through the window. As you went to counseling and talked more and more with your husband you moved over to the window and opened it a crack. When you did this the OM left the room but stayed in the house. As you progressed you gradually opened the window more and more seeing, hearing, sensing your husband. The OM went out the door. Now you've opened the window fully. Your husband is getting ready to climb through it and enter the room with you. The OM is now walking away down the street and getting farther and farther away. Once he is completely out of sight your husband will climb through the window and hold you in his arms. And you will hold him. You're coming out of the fog.

Beowulf

If I remember correctly covert contracts are agreements that the "Nice Guy" will make with himself and expect the spouse to honor. For example, he will get you flowers. He will expect you to reciprocate but he won't tell you so. When you don't he will get angry and start to criticize, or nag, or argue because he feels you let him down even though you never knew he expected something. Its in the book.

CantSitStill

Yes I agree, this is a good sign.. praying that you can get out of that fog and really reconcile
Posted via Mobile Device

Hunger

From so many of your posts it defintely seems like we were in a very similar situation. I understand the whole wanting to check out thing. I have gone back and forth several times because our home life lately has been so rocky. I will “check out” for a night thinking I need to stay at my Dad’s right down the street and plan on separating for a bit and then go right back home the next day. I don’t really feel bad about it because the times I have done this is because he gets very angry and starts breaking things and it scares me. That is so awesome that you got your passion back for your husband. That helps me to have hope for us! I look at my husband and know that he is a wonderful man and lately I have caught myself staring/studying him while we are together because I don’t understand why I don’t feel attracted to him when he is clearly a very attractive man…. Lol… silly I know but I have found myself doing this. We still hang out constantly and even cuddle very closely on the couch every night but I don’t feel anything. We tried making love about a week ago and I felt nothing and ended up feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for doing it and not feeling anything, but we both wanted to try so bad just to see if it would help. Our sex life was never wonderful so maybe this is something that we can work on moving forward if I do begin to feel passion with time.

I am not going to give up. I keep telling myself that I am still blinded and that I can’t give up on us because I have nothing to lose if I stay for now. .. and of course he wants me to stay no matter how I am feeling.

I never did a no contact letter with the OM or anything because my situation was very different in the sense that I was ALWAYS the initiator and almost every time he would tell me that we should not be talking until I make a decision and that if I ever loved my husband or think I will ever get my feelings back again than I should stay with my husband and not talk to him. I would do so good and not talk to him for days and then I would get the urge and start all over again. It was tough but I know now that it was because I was addicted. I got a high when I talked to him and then I began to feel guilty to the point where I would stop it for a while … and it was a toxic cycle. It is so crazy how that works. I hate myself for not being able to just STOP. I always thought I was stronger than that but I guess not.

Hunger

Awe, I love this. Thank you. I will keep picturing this.

Hunger

I will read and quit asking question. Thank you.

Hunger

You said it perfectly. I completely agree. We are both working on being very respectful towards each other and I will continue to be honest with everything that I do. I understand that it takes a lot of time to re-build trust. Thank you for your prayers.