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Day to day baby steps.... Feedback encouraged.

39K views 261 replies 31 participants last post by  CantSitStill 
#1 ·
The post “Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?” from Bandit is the reason why I decided to write this post.
When I read the post from Bandit I really had to think hard about it because I can’t really say for sure if I upgraded or downgraded……. But it brought me to what I did in counseling yesterday morning and I would like to share because I feel like it like it is a great building block for moving forward.

Background for yesterday’s session: Still NC with the OM but I can’t get him out of my head. I am constantly feeling guilt-ridden because I can’t stop thinking about this person. Nights are the worst when I am lying down next to my H! Currently I am working on directing my thought process by picturing a stop sign every time I think about this person. I guess it works a bit. I just keep telling myself that I have to remain patient because time will help these thoughts/feelings fade away. I told my MC all of this so she decided we needed to do a little activity where I wrote down what I would I would be losing versus gaining if I stopped thinking about the OM versus if I didn't stop about the OM, plus we wrote down any red flags (negative traits) I noticed about the OM.

It went kind of like this:
What would I be gaining if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Peace of mind because I would know whatever happens that I did it the right way and with a clear head… (Not in a fog due to the OM).
2. Possible R with H.
3. Personal integrity and strength
4. No guilt or confusion.

What would I be losing if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Other than the hope or feelings that there is someone out there that may actually be my “soul mate” which the probability of that is most likely zilch, than I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be losing anything by not thinking about this person.


Red flags/negative traits: 1. He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2. He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
3. He is bad at managing money.
4. He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
5. He lets people walk all over him without care.

Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!! :scratchhead:

Of course this activity helped me to think about this person at that moment, but overall I think it was useful to show me what I really would not be missing by NC with this person.

So I guess why it was so difficult for me to say if it was an upgrade or downgrade is because the emotions and feelings that were involved with this other person did not happen because of those obvious traits. Hence the word EA, the affair was very mental and emotional. An addiction that I couldn’t kick is pretty much the only way I can explain it. Physical appearance didn’t really play a huge part either because he is clearly not as good looking as my H in anyway. It’s just that when I looked at this person, I felt like I was looking very deeply… more deeply than I have ever experienced. When people on here talk about the chemicals involved in an EA and PA than it makes sense as to why I felt like I was looking so “deeply” I guess…. If that makes any sense.

It blows my mind to think that everything involved in affair can really just boil down to chemicals and your mind tricking you.
How incredible harsh.

So as for my H and I we are just taking baby steps. I don’t know what is going to happen (R or D) in the end but I have hope that with time my feelings will change and my thoughts will only be consumed by my H.

I understand that this forum is primarily for betrayed spouses and I definitely felt that when I first posted my story here about a week ago (under Stephanie Anne…. changed username for specific reasons) by the intense; sometimes harsh comments although very deserved…. So I thank you for taking your time to read and respond. I have to say that I did get some very intriguing and helpful advice that I am very thankful for as well.

If you would like the background of my situation I am including the link to my 1st post under this username which I wrote after my 1st post under Stephanie Anne. There isn’t a whole lot of detail about the affair which I had in the previous (deleted) post… nevertheless I feel like it expresses pretty well what is going on.

I guess this post is more of a “just thinking” post rather than a question; however I welcome advice/opinions/any help you may be able to send my way….. Considering that I am still working very diligently to not think about the OM and to work on myself and my marriage.
 
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#234 ·
My husband wont let me move forward with anything right now. He isn't contacting me but when we do talk he is in denial and doesnt want to talk about anything having to do with moving forward. We both get very emotional when we talk as well. Its tough. :( Sad story.
 
#236 ·
I do as well for his sake. I do care about him as a person very much and miss the good times, but honestly I don't feel like there is any going back. I know I love him because it hurts me deeply to see him like this and especially to know that I caused this. We were so comfortable and for the most party happy before sh!t hit the fan.
 
#237 ·
Just thinking now.....

I find it very difficult to not call or want to see him as well because I want to make things right and in my twisted thinking I just want to baby him to try and make him feel better; but I know I can't because he gets so sad when he sees me or talks to me. I guess a part of me wonders if I am just being selfish and wanting to satisfy my guilt by talking to him or if I just miss him. I am still holding on to both and it is killing me. I just need to get help because obviously something is wrong with me. :/
 
#240 ·
Hunger are you sexually attracted to your husband? If you miss his friendship but don't want him sexually then I don't know unless you try MC but looks doubtful and you must get rid of the OM totally
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#244 ·
I am not sexually attracted to him, but definitely miss the friendship. We were pretty much ALWAYS together so I am torn with not knowing if I truly miss him or miss being with someone. He has always been very attentive towards me and my feelings. At times I would say too much because I am not one to respond well to clinginess. This goes back to the co-dependence. Counselor thinks we are both highly co-dependent. Okay off subject…. I think what keeps me holding on is the “what ifs” and the fact that I worry about him.

I know what I continue to do is WRONG WRONG WRONG and not only because it is morally wrong; but because I feel in my heart that it is. I feel like it is all wrong. I also think the only reason why I am holding onto the OM is because of the loneliness. I also leaned on him when this all started and he is a great communicator so when I try not talking to him I get triggered easily when any type of emotions, but happiness creep along… so I make contact and feel better & worst at the same time. Never ending vicious cycle. I feel very weak in this situation and I am not use to feeling this way. I am a very strong woman and like to have control of everything in my life & honestly I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like I can’t control myself AT ALL with the OM and the entire situation. He is not even all that! He is PLENTY of problems himself. I can clearly see these things and am still completely lost in him. I don’t get it… so goes to back to I must be completely insane.

I even hate posting on here because I feel like it is just more people that I am letting down. :/
 
#250 ·
I had a feeling you would contact the OM again from the first thread you started under your other name. What you are doing to your H now is absolutely atrocious. You don't need him to get a divorce, a judge will sign off if he won't. I'm truly not trying to mean as I am damn sure not one to cast stones but, you are being totally callous in regards to your H. I feel so terribly sorry for that man.
 
#253 ·
I know I am in deep and eventually something has to give. For a while there I thought about just posting on here daily so that I can be accountable, but that didnt happen. I feel so hopeless. I find myself at times really trying to give it an honest try and than I give up so easily. I need to figure out why. :/
 
#260 ·
Hunger, I don't normally resort to name calling but honestly you are just about the most selfish person I've run into.

Fine, we get it. You have zero intention of being faithful. None. You are the OMs girl any time he wants and you have no interest or plans to stop. Even if it costs your husbands life. You already tore out his soul and the only real though you had was how it might inconvenience your next chance to hookup and cheat.

I'm against revenge affairs, but in your case I would encourage your husband to have one. He should just find something available and be as blatant about it as he can be.

You honestly need the pain of being cheated on yourself by him added to your life experience. Only then might you actually develop a little empathy, but right now you are just selfish and so very very cold.

I know you love having your husband still want you, even though you cheat right in front of him. You love that you can twist him and have your cake.

I've followed your thread and there has never ever been any intention to stop being a selfish cheat, none. I guess you just love the attention you get here and that's why you continue to post your repeated story of your continued cheating.
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#261 ·
Saying you're helpless or hopeless is just a cop out.Your self-serving nature is readily apparent as you disregard your husbands ultimate well being by not making a clean break with him because you're too busy contemplating "what ifs".If you're still seeing OM then at least quit dangling hope in front of your husband and let him go.Quit torturing the man.because that is what you're doing.BTW,you said you were a strong woman,but apparently not strong enough to change.
 
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