Hunger

So is the No More Mr. Nice Guy more more me or my husband???

Beowulf

Your husband. Many of the qualities you attribute to him are straight from the book if memory serves. That would explain much of his behavior and potentially why you started feeling disconnected before your affair. Its also something that can be corrected so the things you love/loved about him remain and the things that might have driven you apart can be worked on.

CantSitStill

I like you tried to break it off with the OM and he said ok but it was me that kept texting him after a couple days.. I would tell him that Calvin's treating me alot better and we are going to marriage counseling so OM was fine with it but I got addicted somehow and missed his texts. It was a crazy cycle but I have not talked to him and do not have any desire to since February 1st. But for me I hate the OM because I feel he messed my head all up. As for Calvin it was like a miracle how suddenly I fell back in love with him. I hope the same for you..that all of a sudden u will see how much you love your hubby. Things have really changes for us, we give eachother tons of attention. It's kinda like starting all over again.
Posted via Mobile Device

skip76

Just because he was a nice guy doesn't mean he deserved this. You should be motivated to repair the damage you did. If your husband decided to break it off your feelings fir him would change. But it will be too late. Don't mistake his kindness for weakness. I sense that you feel as though this is all your decision. If you decide to work it out all is not forgotten. This could raise its ugly head years down the road. That is how much this affected him you changed his life forever and you don't realize it. Do you resent him for his lack of sexual experience? Do you wish he was your first and only? Does he not initiate because he feels inadequate due to your past? He must feel stupid asking questions. You could have molded him into your own sexual god by teaching him how to please you. But you put all that effort into having the sex he is dreaming of with another man repeatedly. God only knows what is going through his head when he is alone with his thoughts. I don't want to hear you told him because I know you can think of something to get what you want out if him. Good luck to you this is going to be a long road.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hunger

I understand the vicious cycle of contact the OM. I fell off the wagon 3 times. I would do great with no contact for a few days and then the urges would come or my husband and I would get in a huge fight and bam I was running to the OM. Just like you would any addiction. The times that you are in crisis you turn to the addiction. Very cruel circle. Glad I have been out for a while.

I hope our story ends up like yours. I would love to fall in love with my husband all over again. We are just spending as much time together in the evenings and on the weekends to try and re-bond. He has been changing a lot as well. He seems to want to do all of my interests now and wants to communicate about everything. He thinks what I did was his fault which of course it wasn't... so he thinks he needs to change everything. I am okay with little changes every here and there to better our relationship..... i just want him to not forget about himself and what makes him happy.

Beowulf

Hunger

Awe thank you.

Hunger

Something very serious came up last night and I don’t know what to do:

Before I continue I will get you a little background of the addiction. When I met my husband he was highly addicted to painkillers of all sorts because his doctor was prescribing them to him like candy after a very serious back surgery. For an entire year his doctor refilled these strong painkillers until I guess he realized enough was enough and decided to just cut him off suddenly. My husband got into some deep trouble because he forged a prescription from a lower dose to a higher dosage and was caught immediately. This is the first trouble my husband has ever gotten into so he did a whole year of extensive drug court to make sure nothing appeared on his record which he ended up completing. The withdraws from getting off these drugs were crazy! My husband was on the couch for about 2 weeks with cold sweats and anxiety. I was there for him throughout the entire ordeal to comfort and just be there. After drug court was over I began asking him question about the addiction because I was interested. This is when I found out that our relationship started with lies and deceit. For an entire year he did everything he could do to hide this addiction from me and when I was suspicious of his behavior he would lie. I felt like everything was over till about a year before our wedding and a year after drug court when the addiction surfaced again this time it was uglier. He found out a good friend was taking painkillers so he began hanging out with this friend constantly and somehow found a connection on where to purchase them. The lying and deceiving started all over again and this time he was smoking pills instead of swallowing them. I don’t even know how you do this but you can. I eventually got suspicious and found hard evidence which I confronted him with. He continued to lie so I left for 3 days straight and stayed at a girlfriend’s house with no contact. He finally confessed and I came home. That was the last I saw of this until last night………..

The last 2 weeks I have been noticing some very odd behavior from my husband that reminded me of when he relapsed the last time. He has been going to the bathroom constantly; probably 5-6 times a night and he blames it on constipation from the anti-anxiety pills the doctor prescribed him. The other strange behavior is the sudden crazy energy he has had lately and how his mood has changed so drastically from sad all the time to now almost happy… at first I just figured he was getting stronger every day. So last night after dinner he excused himself to the restroom. I knelt by the bathroom door and listen for about 5-10 minutes. I heard constant inhaling and something that sounded like plastic or foil that he kept messing with. I knew he was up to no good. I waited for him to get out of the bathroom and confronted him immediately. It took about an hour to get it out of him and actually didn’t tell me the truth until I found some drug paraphernalia hidden in the bathroom. He said that he tried to smoke the anti-anxiety pills that was prescribed to him and that this was the first time he did it and nothing happen. I hate to say this but I don’t believe him because he has been acting different for at least a week if not longer. I don’t really believe that it was just the anti-anxiety pills either but maybe. I am just very worried about him because I feel like I caused this. :/ Also, all we have been talking about in counseling is no more lies and deceit and now he is doing the lying and deceiving.

Don’t know what to do.

CantSitStill

Just a thought...u resent him so much maybe for the drug use that u cant allow youself to love and trust him?? Possible, also u are probably right, he may have slipped back into the drugs..Your fault? no its an excuse for him to use again.
Posted via Mobile Device

Affaircare

Hunger~

One thing you have GOT to realize--say this to yourself about 100 times a day:
You can not change him or "make" him do or not do anything.
You can not "make" your husband lie to you or tell you the truth, and you can not "make" your husband want to quit the drugs or "make" him take them.

The absolutely ONLY person you can change is YOU--you yourself. If he is going to change and stop himself from taking these drugs, he is going to have to do it from within himself and want it so bad that when he gets the urges (like when you had urges to call OM) that he'll resist on his own. Until HE wants it, he'll continue to agree with you to your face, and behind your back he'll sneak and lie and hide what he wants to do: his drugs.

Since you can not change him, let's focus on you and what you can change about you that helps him continue doing drugs. For example, let's say that you decide to sit down with him and say "I have made a commitment to you and I choose to honor it, but I will not have a partner in my life who is sneaking behind my back, doing drugs, and lying to my face about it. At this time I have reasonable reason to believe you are in your addiction again, and I will not accept the blame for your choices. I know I can't control you, so I'm going to make some requests. I request that we make a doctor appointment that we go to together, and have a blood test done to indicate what EXACTLY is in your bloodstream and to have a doctor tell us together what options there are for treatment. I request that from now on, all doors to all rooms stay open, including the bathroom. Yes it's embarrassing but we are intimate and it is the cost of choosing to hide things from me while going to the bathroom. I'm going to request that we talk to the counselor ASAP and be honest with what has been transpiring (namely the lying about doing drugs) so that the counselor can actually give us the help and advice we need."

See the part of YOU that you change to help this situation, is the part of you that helps him cover up his drug use....the part that cleans up his messes after he does something stupid when he's high...the part that "explains" why he had to do it or makes up excuses for him....the part that says that if you love him you'll keep his secret so his dirty laundry isn't aired in public. That part of you is actually HELPING HIM keep doing it. So I would recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. This book is for YOU, Hunger. Start there and keep on track with the way you've been working on ending the affair and rebuilding love for your husband. But bear in mind that it is going to be "difficult to impossible" to build love for him when he is lying to you, and building trust actually will be impossible! In order for the two of you to rebuild trust, you are BOTH going to have to stop covering things up from each other, and no matter how much it hurts or scares you--be OPEN and be HONEST.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Hunger

I have no doubt that some of my resentment is because of the drug abuse, but majority is from rug sweeping with our problems. :/

Beowulf

Hunger, the book AC is suggesting is excellent. I've read it. You should add it to your library and read it when you can (I know you're reading other books as well).

Beowulf

Yes, like CSS said his drug use could be very well why you started disconnecting from him. Its certainly worth looking into.

CantSitStill

Beowulf what haven't you read? lol
Posted via Mobile Device

Beowulf

BTW, don't look at all this as huge mountains to climb. This is all a good thing. You get all the dirty laundry out on the table and you clean it all up so your new marriage starts off fresh and with lots of room for love.