Day to day baby steps.... Feedback encouraged.

Beowulf · 04-11-2012, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantSitStill

Beowulf what haven't you read? lol
Posted via Mobile Device

I know huh? I've always been a big reader. I read constantly. I always have a book in my hands. The one I'm reading now is Fire In The Belly by Sam Keen.

CantSitStill · 04-11-2012, 04:03 PM

may I add, when you reconcile it will be like a new marriage too but that's the good thing..you both will have your boundaries and more respect for eachother an.d stop neglecting eachother
Posted via Mobile Device

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

Hunger, the book AC is suggesting is excellent. I've read it. You should add it to your library and read it when you can (I know you're reading other books as well).

I just purchased it online. Is it a lot like "Love is a Choice" because that book is all about co-dependency as well and I am currently working on the work book and just got the audio in the mail today for my husband to listen to it since he doesn’t read. I also purchased "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for my husband, a book about boundaries for me, and "Happiness is a Choice" from Amazon last night. We are going to be busy for a while! I appreciate all of the suggestions. I love to read especially if it can only better things.

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

Yes, like CSS said his drug use could be very well why you started disconnecting from him. Its certainly worth looking into.

That could be true but he hasnt been using for a very long time... well as far as I know. :/

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

BTW, don't look at all this as huge mountains to climb. This is all a good thing. You get all the dirty laundry out on the table and you clean it all up so your new marriage starts off fresh and with lots of room for love.

This is my thought as well. Thanks.

Beowulf · 04-11-2012, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hunger

I just purchased it online. Is it a lot like "Love is a Choice" because that book is all about co-dependency as well and I am currently working on the work book and just got the audio in the mail today for my husband to listen to it since he doesn’t read. I also purchased "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for my husband, a book about boundaries for me, and "Happiness is a Choice" from Amazon last night. We are going to be busy for a while! I appreciate all of the suggestions. I love to read especially if it can only better things.

It focuses more on how to disengage from loved ones with addictions. If I recall correctly it talks a lot about how your life can be consumed by pouring all your energy and spirit into the black home that an addicts behavior can become. I believe it also talks about how your emotions can become tumultuous in an addictive relationship.

I see reading and learning as building a ladder. Each book you read you take something away. Each book adds a rung on the ladder. Eventually the ladder gets so tall that no wall, no hill, no mountain is insurmountable. You guys are on the right track.

skip76 · 04-11-2012, 04:12 PM

i would focus on your problems. you have a lot of them. since you wrote ecerything he could fix about himself why don't you write ten things that suck about you. focus on those. i would need to self medicate myself too. i am proud he kicked this horrible habit years ago, too bad these events threw all that away too. help him, don't kick him. i said it earlier, he may be nice but he does have a breaking point and if he reaches that point, it will be too late for you my dear. i personally think that would be best for him but what do i know. sorry for the interuption, now let the love fest continue.

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morrigan

Hunger,

I've read your threads. You need to wait. Do not leave your husband until you are sure of your feelings. When I cheated on Beowulf I was absolutely sure I had married the wrong man. I had not one doubt. I was wrong. We weren't communicating well. I didn't see things clearly. That was partly the fog but also partly because we really weren't listening to each other. After we reconciled I still didn't think I loved him. At least not like a wife and a lover. But after I got my head clear I began to appreciate the little things that I didn't let myself see. Then we started communicating and I saw how we had lost our connection. That was 20 years ago and I love him more every day. Treat your husband right. Help him to heal from his pain. In time you may very well see why you loved him. And then when you start communicating more you will find more and more reasons to love. In the meantime, just have patience. I'm living proof that it can work out.

Thank you Morrigon for the advice. You seem to have a very wise husband and his help has been greatly useful. I am hoping that everything will come back once my head has cleared. I have never been patient in my life so this is a definate challenge but towards a good cause. Thank you. ;-)

Beowulf · 04-11-2012, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hunger

That could be true but he hasnt been using for a very long time... well as far as I know. :/

That may be but it may have contributed to the problems that never got addressed. These things build up like pressure and eventually the valve blows.

CantSitStill · 04-11-2012, 04:21 PM

Doesn't matter that the drug use was a while ago, you may have been holding in that resentment for a long time and not really realised it. Also you may still be in the fog which could be blocking your mind from truly even seeing your own faults. I know I struggled with that. I honestly felt like Calvin was the one with all the faults and not me...each day I'm seeing more and more how I should've done many things differently through our marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device

Affaircare · 04-11-2012, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantSitStill

Beowulf what haven't you read? lol
Posted via Mobile Device

How about "Bondage of the Will" by Martin Luther?

I have read this one--it's actually VERY good but it is theological.

Okay a real one: how about "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch? I actually loved this book and learned a lot about what intimacy is from this book.

Finally, I will bet you cash money you haven't read my book. LOL

But note to self: "Stay on the topic at hand"

Tall Average Guy · 04-11-2012, 04:24 PM

Quote:

We moved in together after 2 weeks because my lease was up and I couldn’t stand having a roommate and he was living with his Dad for a few weeks to help him recover from heart surgery. He was the first man I have ever lived with and I guess it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time (no hesitation) so we did it. My attraction to my husband is different than the way I have been attracted to other men in past relationships. What attracted me the most to my husband is that he is very protective and attentive towards me. He is also very affectionate which I have always liked.

You are getting plenty of good advice, so I won't belabor that, but I did want to note that I suspect you are wrong in not having passion for your husband at some point. People without passion for their significant other don't often move in together after two weeks. It may not have been a smart move but I think there was some passion there.

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skip76

You could have molded him into your own sexual god by teaching him how to please you. But you put all that effort into having the sex he is dreaming of with another man repeatedly. .

I did not have repeated sex with the OM. It happened once. Doesn't make it any better, but I would like to clarify that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skip76

i would focus on your problems. you have a lot of them. since you wrote ecerything he could fix about himself why don't you write ten things that suck about you. focus on those. i would need to self medicate myself too. i am proud he kicked this horrible habit years ago, too bad these events threw all that away too. help him, don't kick him. i said it earlier, he may be nice but he does have a breaking point and if he reaches that point, it will be too late for you my dear. i personally think that would be best for him but what do i know. sorry for the interuption, now let the love fest continue.

I am not focusing on his problems in any way. I just posted it because it happened last night and I am very worried for his sake. All I have been doing is focusing on my problems and what I did to my husband....this is why I am here trying to get all the advice I can get to make things right. There is no kicking my husband involved here… just concern.

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantSitStill

Doesn't matter that the drug use was a while ago, you may have been holding in that resentment for a long time and not really realised it. Also you may still be in the fog which could be blocking your mind from truly even seeing your own faults. I know I struggled with that. I honestly felt like Calvin was the one with all the faults and not me...each day I'm seeing more and more how I should've done many things differently through our marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device

Yeah... I dont think the fog is holding me back from seeing my own fault cause trust me I can clearly see them. Counseling has helped me to recognize so much I have done wrong in our relationship. The biggest fault was that I had a hard time sticking up for myself when my interests or concerns were invalidated. I am working on that.

Hunger · 04-11-2012, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy

You are getting plenty of good advice, so I won't belabor that, but I did want to note that I suspect you are wrong in not having passion for your husband at some point. People without passion for their significant other don't often move in together after two weeks. It may not have been a smart move but I think there was some passion there.

Maybe I just don't remember. :/ I know that our move was convenient for the both of us because of our living situations at the time. Just seemed the right thing to do at the moment. My husband tells me that we had sex all the time in the beginning and it was very passionate, but I don't remember. :/ I wonder if it is because he felt differently than I do or if I just have a CRAPPY memory.