Hunger

The post “Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?” from Bandit is the reason why I decided to write this post.
When I read the post from Bandit I really had to think hard about it because I can’t really say for sure if I upgraded or downgraded……. But it brought me to what I did in counseling yesterday morning and I would like to share because I feel like it like it is a great building block for moving forward.

Background for yesterday’s session: Still NC with the OM but I can’t get him out of my head. I am constantly feeling guilt-ridden because I can’t stop thinking about this person. Nights are the worst when I am lying down next to my H! Currently I am working on directing my thought process by picturing a stop sign every time I think about this person. I guess it works a bit. I just keep telling myself that I have to remain patient because time will help these thoughts/feelings fade away. I told my MC all of this so she decided we needed to do a little activity where I wrote down what I would I would be losing versus gaining if I stopped thinking about the OM versus if I didn't stop about the OM, plus we wrote down any red flags (negative traits) I noticed about the OM.

It went kind of like this:
What would I be gaining if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Peace of mind because I would know whatever happens that I did it the right way and with a clear head… (Not in a fog due to the OM).
2. Possible R with H.
3. Personal integrity and strength
4. No guilt or confusion.

What would I be losing if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM:
1. Other than the hope or feelings that there is someone out there that may actually be my “soul mate” which the probability of that is most likely zilch, than I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be losing anything by not thinking about this person.


Red flags/negative traits: 1. He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2. He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
3. He is bad at managing money.
4. He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
5. He lets people walk all over him without care.

Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!!

Of course this activity helped me to think about this person at that moment, but overall I think it was useful to show me what I really would not be missing by NC with this person.

So I guess why it was so difficult for me to say if it was an upgrade or downgrade is because the emotions and feelings that were involved with this other person did not happen because of those obvious traits. Hence the word EA, the affair was very mental and emotional. An addiction that I couldn’t kick is pretty much the only way I can explain it. Physical appearance didn’t really play a huge part either because he is clearly not as good looking as my H in anyway. It’s just that when I looked at this person, I felt like I was looking very deeply… more deeply than I have ever experienced. When people on here talk about the chemicals involved in an EA and PA than it makes sense as to why I felt like I was looking so “deeply” I guess…. If that makes any sense.

It blows my mind to think that everything involved in affair can really just boil down to chemicals and your mind tricking you.
How incredible harsh.

So as for my H and I we are just taking baby steps. I don’t know what is going to happen (R or D) in the end but I have hope that with time my feelings will change and my thoughts will only be consumed by my H.

I understand that this forum is primarily for betrayed spouses and I definitely felt that when I first posted my story here about a week ago (under Stephanie Anne…. changed username for specific reasons) by the intense; sometimes harsh comments although very deserved…. So I thank you for taking your time to read and respond. I have to say that I did get some very intriguing and helpful advice that I am very thankful for as well.

If you would like the background of my situation I am including the link to my 1st post under this username which I wrote after my 1st post under Stephanie Anne. There isn’t a whole lot of detail about the affair which I had in the previous (deleted) post… nevertheless I feel like it expresses pretty well what is going on.

I guess this post is more of a “just thinking” post rather than a question; however I welcome advice/opinions/any help you may be able to send my way….. Considering that I am still working very diligently to not think about the OM and to work on myself and my marriage.

Hunger

Love, but "Not in love"?? Need HELP! (Long background reading)

bandit.45

I feel bad for your husband, that he has to wait on you to figure all this out. I see in you extreme low self esteem, else why would you latch on so hard to such a loser as the OM. And "soul mate"? Please.
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JustWaiting

Thank you for this post.
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lovesherman

Sounds like you have a wise counselor. Have you taken all of the steps to help your husband to heal? NC letter, transparency, answering all of his questions?

It does take a long time to recover from infidelity, I have read 2-5 years. I'm glad that you can take an honest look at what you did and are trying to see the reality of the OM.

bandit.45

Forgive my harshness. Keep going forward the way you are Hunger. At the very least you will purge this worthless marriage trasher out of your life, even if in the end it does not work out with your husband.
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mychoice

Sadly, I have one just like you. So many years of apathy. If I could just go back and disconnect myself from such a cold and timid soul I would in a heartbeat. In fact, after 40 years…it will happen. This time, on my terms.

As terrible as it sounds you really need to do your husband a favor and let him go to live his life with someone who can feel passion for him. He obviously was having problems with your disconnect long before your transgressions otherwise he'd have likely kept his libido at a normal level. I mean, come on, who wants to make love to someone who clearly could do without? It's no fun being with someone to service "myself". Some men are actually deep enough to care about the response of their wives, and then, when she shows signs of losing whatever passion was present, he is caught in an impossible situation. Does he leave for his own well being? Does he stay because this really shouldn't matter?

Then he finds out this frigid woman does indeed have passion..."just not for me". Do I run? Do I believe this is the person I "thought" I knew? Do I truly believe she will be a good girl now? Do I cut my losses?

Without even being able to address those issues he's thrust into trying to save this apathetic "wife". Efforting to salvage HIS love. Even now you're indignant, self absorbed, totally self centered and consumed by only one thing...what YOU want. Honestly, I'm not surprised. You've had it all your way and you've grown to expect it.

When his confidence returns there WILL be retribution. That you could hold him as your cuckold...that you could easily, and even without any true remorse, take advantage of his exemplary grace. That you easily took him for granted. That it all was so easily justified. It may take years but spears to a giver's heart do not resolve so easily.

One day he will see you for what you are. As my Father always said; Son, there are two kinds of people in this world...the givers and the takers. You've clearly drawn the line of who you are. Now he's faced with years of doubt, clouded by his own love for you, trying to see the truth of who he is actually with.

You speak of the fine husband he is, well, I guarantee you he doesn't feel that way now. True efforts to reconcile usually find the couple in HB (hysterical bonding). If he's done even one bit of research he can see where you are. In contact with your lover, or not, you are NOT with your husband. He can fool himself for awhile but that too will end. I hope for his sake much sooner than later.

To do this in such a young marriage is absolutely unconscionable. The truth is you don't love your husband. If you did you just could not find your way to this outcome. You'd have sought another way and if that didn't work you'd have left him with some degree of dignity. I'd suspect what you really love is being the wife of a good man...husband...provider...and possibly a father. It's the idea you're in love with, surely not he as a human being. Love begins with respect and trust. It's the only way it is sustained as well.

As for your current behavior and perspective...keep it up! It will just teach him what he really has all the more quickly.

It's just so very sad how people treat those they profess to "love". It's clear that so many don't even have a clue of what love is. When you'll die for another, then you'll know you're with the right person. If you cannot find someone you feel this way about...it's not they who are incapable...it's you. Until then, you're only with someone to keep you company while "YOU'RE" on your life's journey. Too bad he's not really part of it...it could be so rewarding for both of you.

Good luck...you'll need it.

desert-rose

Affairs are interactive fantasies. In an affair fog, one can justify and rationalize anything because the truth is....what you're experiencing in that affair isn't real. It's pretty easy to get addicted to the idea of something. Like any other kind of addiction, it's an easy escape. If you think this loser you were with is your "soul mate", then what kind of soul do you have? I'm not saying this to put you down, but to get you to think a little logically about your situation and wake up out of the fog you are still in.

You are not in love with OM, just in love with the idea of being with a "soul mate" and he is nothing but a symbol or a face to associate with that fantasy; that it is illicit makes it so much more tantalizing to you. If you want to salvage something real, then get out of your fantasy land and try to connect with your H for real. You're treating him like crap; how would you like it if your H was only with you because he felt like he was stuck with you? Wouldn't feel too good, would it?

You don't even see what a gift he's giving you with a second chance. You discarded something very real for some cheap thrills based on nothing but an idea in your head about what you think you deserve or want for yourself. Face it. Own it. Recognize the gravity of your offense. You are very lucky that he is willing to give you another chance and yet you're still moping that you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You are ungrateful. That is something you need to see about yourself.

If you want to get over this thing you did, figure out why you did it. If you're damaged and were drawn to him for his damage, then the message to take is that it's time to fix yourself. It doesn't sound like you want to be with your H, just like you're trying to fix things because you got caught cheating. Don't avoid your problems by just fixating on losing the loser you hooked up with, but face the real issues that you're avoiding in your life. Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can actually offer your H who is a saint for putting up with an apathetic wayward wife; he deserves better, but he's choosing to give you a chance to prove that you are worth the risk a second time.

You're not a bad person; you just screwed up. People screw up. But, try to stop dwelling on fantasy and deal with the reality of your situation. It will help you.

Beowulf

Sorry if you may find this harsh but...

How about when you think about the OM, instead of a stop sign you picture the OM driving a bayonet through your husband's chest piercing his heart? How can you even think about the OM without feeling revulsion? He helped destroy the man you pledged your life to. The man that pledge his entire being to you. The man that would have thrown himself into a raging inferno to save you. How can you not hate the OM for what he has done to you and your husband? He used you and threw you away like a tampon. And he stepped on your husband like a c0ckroach. This man deserves nothing but your contempt. In all your posts you keep saying how remorseful you are and that you love your husband. If that were true then not thinking about the OM wouldn't be that difficult.

bandit.45

Desert-rose you knocked it out of the park. Dead on!
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In_The_Wind

The majority of the time cheating spouse always affair down think of it this way
Your withsomeone who has no ethics or morals and is willingbto be withand play
A married woman the vast times these guys go for women that are married is because
They are easy pickings you ever watxch a show like natl geographic when lions are huntinh gazelles they always chose the most vulanerable of the back the grass is never greenier
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morituri

It sure is.

It's possible that even if you had chosen to leave your husband for the OM, that eventually you'd find yourself in the same situation once the two of you were living in a committed relationship. Have you thought about that?

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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Hunger

I don’t see this man as a “soul mate”. That is not what I meant at all. Honestly I don’t know what I meant about that… but know I don’t see the OM as a possible soul mate. I feel like the OM stimulated me in a different way than my husband ever has which was a huge attraction. My husband is… how do I put it…. Pretty simple. He is very street smart and incredibly hard worker; however he is not the type to have a deep intellectual conversation with. Hell if you want to talk about fishing and hunting than he can tell you everything you need to know… which of course not a bad thing. I just know that is what made the connection with the OM so different and strong. That is something I have come to realize through counseling that I miss in the relationship with my husband. Definitely something we can work on.

I feel bad for my Husband as well. I agree self-esteem has been an issue for a while. I am working on self-esteem issues in counseling.

Hunger

NC Letter- Check
Transparency- Check
Answering questions daily- Check

I understand that recovery from infidelity can take years. Right now I can’t think about that…. We are just surviving day by day first.

Thank you for your input.

Hunger

I am okay with harshness. No need to apologize. That is why I am here. To receive advice and learn from people who have similar experiences.

Yes, I feel much better not have the OM in my life and slowly getting out of my thoughts. At least I know that no matter what happens in the future that I did it the right way for my husband and I. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did it any other way.

As for my husband and I, it’s been probably a week or so since I posted this, and we are still moving slowly. Last night was a feeling discouraged night but it comes and goes. I am still having a hard time feeling intimate love for my husband but I do enjoy spending time with him. We have been doing a lot of things together when we are not working. Just trying to re-bond. He still wants to hold, kiss, and cuddle me constantly; and I still feel like I have a wall up. I am trying though. Although I don’t feel the need for his love and affection towards me I still will cuddle with him on the couch and act like I do. I hope with time these actions will help me to feel more. Some days I feel guilty being in comfortable in our home and acting like normal when I know that in my heart I am not fully there like he is. I wish I could explain the feelings. It’s as if I feel like I don’t belong anymore, but again….I am trying for us.

I don’t get frustrated easily anymore which I feel like I was doing a lot in the beginning; however I was also keeping little contact with the OM so that was probably my guilty conscious getting angry and frustrated when my husband was reaching out. I also find myself being more patient and loving towards my husband although I don’t know what is going to happen. We are still going to MC twice a week and communicating a lot every night.

Currently I am working on the work book for the book “Love is a choice” and it is really helping me to notice patterns in my relationships. I have no doubt that my husband and I both came into our marriage as co-dependents so learning about co-dependency is really helping me to understand a lot. I am just reading a lot and trying to fix me and us at the same time. Still having hope.