Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
Be honest with your mother and tell her you had an affair without giving her the detail. Resign your position as a premarital counselor, it gives you and your wife time to decide how to deal with the future. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
My mother was shocked. She was not upset, just saddened. Like most people around us, I think they felt that we were the least likely couple they knew to be going through this. We got along great together, we spend a lot of time together with friends. We joke, laugh, touch, and are from all outside accounts open and honest with everyone.
It is terrible that I let my hidden obsessions destroy what we had. I know that it is a sign that we needed some work. That I, more than anything, needed a lot of work.
To update on how it is going at home: It has been about 56 hours since I told her about my ONS. I left work early yesterday to spend time with her. Neither of us has been eating, so I picked up one of her favorite meals on the way home. We talked a while. I made an appointment with a counselor and we met him at 2pm. I have an appointment to go back for a solo session early next week. Additionally, we are starting a support system through the church where we can work through this with other people in similar situations.
I have started reading one of two books recommended to me by a friend and the counselor.
I am very concerned about her and I feel like right now there is a lot of focus on me. Not that I don't need it, but I worry about supporting her. I can listen to her describe her emotions, but other than holding her and apologizing to her there is not much I can do. I hope that we can get her someone to help unpack her feelings better than I can. Perhaps this is what is needed and it is time that will heal, but it is tough to feel so helpless.
I had not shaved since I returned home from the trip. I know she dislikes stubble, and I felt like it would keep her from trying to kiss me. Whether it was for her or me, I don't know. During our talks yesterday, we decided I should shave and that I should kiss her. I knew it would be rough, and it was. I kissed her a couple times, not passionately, but easing into physical contact gradually. She started crying and I held her until we fell asleep.
I did not expect it to be any better then that. I hope that by the time we decide to progress to anything more, that we have both done a lot of healing.
On that note, we have talked about my std testing, and I think that we should wait until we can effectively rule out anything. I understand that odds that I have HIV are incredibly low, but the fact that there is a chance makes me wary. She said that she does not want to wait 3 months to resume sexual contact, but I think it would be beneficial for us. Late next week, I will get screened for everything, and pay the extra cost for an RNA analysis to test for HIV. However, that test is not a guarantee and they recommend testing of antibodies at 3 and 6 months.
We have also decided that she is going to come with me on my trip April 16th. We have arranged for our son to stay with my parents for the 3 nights we will be gone.
I asked her out on a date this weekend. In someway, I am hoping that if we can start over, it might help. If I can court her and we can date for these months while we wait for test results, that maybe we can get something of what we had back. My 3 month test results will be back before our 17th anniversary. I was hoping that I might ask her to marry me again, in the same spot as the first time. It all sounds so cheesy and hollow. It is hard to know what is a good idea right now.
Sorry for rambling, feel free to comment on any of the above.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
Thank you for the links. I read your story as well, I am sorry for what you have been through, but glad that you seem to have recovered. It gives me hope for the future, which is precious.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
Another day done, each one has been better than the ones before it. There was an outbreak of sobbing where I held her, but we had more good conversation, and she asked me a lot of questions. Overall, it was more progress. I made dinner and we had a nice dinner together while our son was invited to a friends house to eat.
She started writing a journal to get her thoughts out. I think it has been very cathartic for her. She invited me to read it, but warned that I may not like everything that was in it.
This morning, when I got up for work (4am) she was awake and in the bathroom. I went in to check on her and she said she had been up since 1, reading and praying. She woke up with images of me and the other woman and wanted to get up and focus her mind on positive things rather than lay in bed and dwell. She said since it was so close to my alarm, she wanted to wait for me and give me a hug/kiss and tell me she loved me. She said that she started reading the book the counselor recommended for me as well. When she kissed me, it was different than every other kiss since I confessed. Her lips were not tight, she was not forcing herself to do it. I don't want to read to much into it, but I think it was a good sign.
I went to do my morning reading, and in my book was a note from her. She said that she was sorry she never understood how serious my issues were and that she was glad that we have a chance to repair the damage done in our relationship.
I read through the journal she has been keeping. Understandably it starts out very angry. There is a lot of questions, a lot of self blame, and lot of insecurities brought on by my actions. However, I was surprised at how quickly things turned to focusing on reconciliation. She said many positive things, and there is a real longing for and confidence in our future. It is clear that it will be a difficult road and she makes comments to the same. However, there is a confidence in both of us that the end of this journey will be a deeper, closer, and more intimate relationship. One that can only come through real honesty, communication and trust.
Today is the most hopeful day since it happened. I hope I continue to say that every day.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
I hope you are in this for the long haul, this will take lots of time
right now she is in the anger/shock phase and is looking for answers and might even be blaming herself, it's important for you to make her realize that it is nothing that she did or didn't do that led to you doing this
be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
Also be prepared for a long ride. There will be times where you think things are improving and heading towards "everything's going to be okay", and then BOOM, she will have a setback that comes completely out of the blue. I know this, as I was in her shoes, sort of (my wife had an affair that never went physical, an EA).
From the sounds of what you are saying, she sounds like an incredible woman. She is putting forth a TON of effort and giving you a lot of consideration. Know that behind this is unimaginable pain that you will never understand. Prepare for setbacks and backlashes along the way.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
I don't have much to add today, there is continued process. She talked with me about the images in her head and how they are much less frequent now. I think that might be the worst part for the BS.
I am doing better, learning a lot about myself and how I ended up here. It is all so obvious when you are not mired in it. We met with a pastor today, who was very encouraging about what we have done so far. He has spoken with our counselor as well, and he shared the feelings they had about where we are and where we are going. It was a very positive meeting, and I think it gave us both a big dose of hope for our future.
So far, each day has been better than the last. I know there will be setbacks, but we should rejoice in the improvements as the occur.
Next week I will be getting tested for STD's. We have agreed that we need to wait until we can rule out everything before we resume sexual relations. It will be a while before HIV can really be ruled out, but it is giving me a chance to court her without sex getting involved.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
It has now been 3 weeks since it happened and I told her.
Things have been, for lack of a better word, amazing. We have spent a ton of time together, we have discussed a lot of things and have been open and honest with each other.
I have had to deal with some things that were small steps on the way. I have never deleted text messages, or facebook messages and I have had conversations that were inappropriate. Not that they were every cybersex, pics, or anything like close to that, but I discussed things that should not have been there. I also cut contact with a female friend of mine. My wife asked me to do that, so I did. She has been a friend for about 7 years and it made me sad, but it needed to be done. It was not an EA, but I know it made my wife uncomfortable, and that is all that matters.
Another thing I am dealing with is coming to terms with now deep my issues with pornography have run. I know that people have different views here, but I cannot justify it anymore. I have been a user of it since I was 12 years old, and it has consumed a lot of what was meant for my wife. It became an obsession, multiple times a day, a variety of subjects, and ultimately into fantasy. That fantasy helped pave the road to that woman's hotel room. I allowed myself to believe a lie, a lie that has stolen from my marriage for over 16 years. She did not deserve this, and she did not deserve who she married.
We have returned to physical contact, however, rather than risk anything, we are waiting until 3 months to resume intercourse. That is to ensure I did not contract HIV. Yes, it is a very small chance, but I would rather wait than know my choice sentenced both of us to death.
In some ways, it is refreshing to not have the option. It is more like we are dating again and there is not a rush to get to that step. We are enjoying each other slowly, kindling what should have been there from the start.
The 3 month test will be about a week before our 17th anniversary. She recently made mention of renewing our vows. I was thinking about planning a surprise ceremony on the weekend of our anniversary, nothing overly fancy, just some good friends and family. If possible I will make a short 'honeymoon' for us that weekend after the ceremony. I am not sure how it will all come together and I feel like this is overly cheesy, but I think she will appreciate it and love it.
In addition to this, her wedding ring was lost and mine no longer fits. I am going to get us new, matching rings. Not sure what they will be right now, but I think it is important. She has started wearing a place holder ring, since all of this started.
Anyway, that is where we are. Any comments and advice are appreciated.
I figure human beings are different enough that there some men who can handle watching porn without it affecting their married sex life.
Like other addictive substances--some people take one sip of alcohol and they're goners--they were already predisposed in many ways to be alcoholics. Other people it's a slow build over time but they still become alcoholics. Still others can drink occasionally and it just doesn't affect them this way at all.
In the video he mentions a growing movement of men on the web who are swearing off porn for a wide variety of reasons. It's not a religious issue, it's a mental / physical health issue for many of them.
The truth is human beings have a boundless ability to take things that are neutral or good for you and to turn them into a cancer that eats them alive. (I personally think porn is bad, but my concern is for the women who are participating in filming and what degree of coercion they're under.)
More power to you for recognizing all these things you need to change.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
The porn never affected our sex life in a way my wife knew of. We had sex a lot, mutiple times a week.
What she didn't know and what I let happen was a slow poisoning of my views. I found myself more and more objectifying women, and ultimately even my wife. She was an object for my pleasure, not a partner, wife, or even lover. The woman I slept with, I don't even remember her name.
AR, I know there will be good and bad days to come. We have talked about that as well. We have had one incident with some irrational fear and we talked it out. She has every right to question me and I need to answer, be accountable to her, and always do it with love.
Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her
It has now been almost 6 weeks and things are still going well. We have had some rough patches, but we have gone a in between the last two rough conversations.
We are still spending time together, talking, and connecting with each other. We will go back to the counselor as a couple this week for the first time since the initial visit. I have seen him every week since we started.
We also had our first meeting with the marriage reconcilliation group at church. It has gone well, I have a call scheduled with the leader of that group later today.
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Re: Starting the recovery, have to be strong for her 
