Hope1964

Just reading your story for the first time. It sounds to me as though you are the picture boy for remorseful spouse!

I hope you are prepared, as others have said, to deal with this for years to come. It's over 2 years since our first D day and only in the last couple of months have I started feeling strong again (I am the BS)

I also hope you continue to address your porn issues. My husband is a sex addict and attends a 12 step group - internet porn was part of his problem. If you ever want some more info along those lines just let me know.

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Tasorundo

Thanks Hope, I meant to write more, but my boss asked me to go to an early lunch with him. It was a good lunch, but I did have to explain to him while I an unavailable for emergency travel right now. It is the nature of my job that we travel on short notice when things go wrong. I dont travel often, but it can come without notice.

I am prepared to deal with it for however long it takes. I have created this hurdle by not being the husband I should have been. We both have things to work on, but I broke the vows.

Our current plan is still to wait until the 12 week HIV test to begin activities that involve fluid exchange. The waiting is a blessing and curse. It is nice to remove that from our options and return to more of a gradual increase of intimacy. However, it is hard with that still hanging over us until then.

I am going forward with renewing our vows on our 17th anniversary weekend. Initially I was going to wait until then to progress physically even though I will have my 12 week test done the last week of June. The new plan is to get that test, and she will be traveling with me that last week of June after the test. We will work our way up to sex that week and then when we return home we will abstain until our anniversary.

Tasorundo

Last night was rough. She asked me about a conversation I had earlier that day with our reconciliation group leader. In that discussion I told her that he asked me about if I had issues with strip clubs or prostitutes, etc.

I told him no, and that is the truth. However, that led to a discussion of why I don't have issues with those things. I have never cared for them, because they are so fake. The thought of someone pretending to be interested in me for money makes me feel sick. I cannot even go into a hooters without feeling queasy. It is not a noble objection, but it is an objection.

Talking about this, led us to a discussion of why I had the ONS. I told my wife that a big part of it was the intoxication of feeling desired. That woman wanted to be with me, she pursued me. Since this has all happened, and in other conversations with my wife, I see now how failed to communicate well in the past. I did not see her attempts to show her desire for me. At some point in our marriage I closed my heart to the idea that she might even be trying.

I had become bitter, hopeless that I would ever find what I was looking for from her.

She cried and I held her. I apologized for what I have done to the marriage, for cheating, for shutting her out, and for not being more proactive. It was easier to shut down and retreat to my comforts than it was to address the issues. I stopped fighting for our marriage.

Ultimately, I think it will be a good conversation and a building block in our reconciliation. Today, I am at work after getting called in at 2am (we talked until 11 and then I barely slept before the phone call), and I am tired, beaten down and feel paralyzed. I laid there last night, not knowing how to comfort her. Holding her, professing my sincere apologies and love for her just felt so feeble.

Tasorundo

Here we are in the 10th week. I made an appointment for my 12 week HIV test, so that is sort of a light at the end of the tunnel thing.

My wife and I have been reading together and discussing the subjects. We have a few books recommended by our counselor, so I am sure we will have plenty of stuff to read for a while. It has been good and since we took the 'love language' quiz, I know that her primary one is quality time. I think this time together serves that end as well as helping to establish myself as the spiritual leader of the household, which is something she also desires.

We have talked about what will happen when I am, hopefully, declared HIV negative. I wanted it to be clear to her that I don't expect us to resume intercourse immediately and that I know it will bring up a lot of emotions in both of us. We talked about how us having sex won't fix any of the problems and if I still have a wrong view of sex, it won't help that either.

She is very worried that despite the outside evidences that on the inside I have not changed. She is afraid that I still hold sex as this ultimate thing, an idol. I know it is a battle I will deal with for a while, but I am confident that I am moving in the right direction faster than I ever thought possible.

I am still putting plans together for us to renew our vows on the weekend of our anniversary. I have lined up the location and pastor to perform it. Now I need to get our original vows out of the storage box, buy rings, plan decorations and food.

Overall, everything is very positive. We have struggles from time to time, but the overwhelming attitude is one of love and commitment.

Sara8

You are doing all the right things.

My STBEH did not. He had a long term affair that was emotional and physical and he spent a lot of money on her buying her gifts, dinners out, expensive trips.

If my husband only had a one off, it would be easier to forgive and move on. If he sounded as remorseful as you do it would be really easy to forgive and move on. If he had confessed it would have been even easier to forgive and move on.

Mine lied even when outed by anonymous letters, and he continued to lie about hidden credit cards, bank accounts, sex addictions, etc.

Tasorundo

It has been about a month since I have posted anything here, but figured I would update. This thread has never been that popular, but perhaps it can be useful for some.

In the past month:
- I don't have HIV or any STD
- We resumed all sexual activity
- Things have been mostly positive

This Friday is our anniversary party and vow renewal. I have told her about it, originally I was going to do it as a surprise party (knowing she was on board with the renewal), but decided against it. She is excited about it and looking forward to it. She bought a dress for it yesterday and I need to go get a shirt to match it.

There will be about 40 people at the party. Everyone there knows the whole story of my infidelity. We actually had dinner with the last couple attending that did not know and talked with them. It was important to me that everyone is aware of the reasons. I have no problem discussing it and being honest about it.

My wife and I both hope we can use this experience and reconciliation as a ministry opportunity to others. Prior to this all happening, we did pre-marital counseling. I have contacted all of the couples that still live around and talked with them about it. Several of them are invited to the ceremony as well. I hope to resume that role in the future.

There have been a lot of really good conversations between us. She has been great at working on some of the problems we had before the infidelity and I hope that I have been accountable for my contributions. There is still a lot of baggage to work through, but each day is a step. It reminds me of a song lyric I heard the other day "every breath is a step to forever".

I struggle with getting over the past to a degree. There is a lot of rejection and bitterness from our past that I need to work on. I think things are getting better though and we both see brighter days on the horizon. We are both looking forward to this weekend of time with each other and relaxing alone.

iheartlife

Thank you for posting. I'd take it as a compliment that you haven't had many comments. You haven't seemed to need much advice, you've shown remorse, etc etc. I wish the two of you all success as you continue to restore your relationship.
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thebuckest

Great job man I wish u all the best. Please don't discount the value of sex in a relationship. Sex is so vital to a healthy relationship its kind of scary. If u think about it its the ultimate form of communication. You get to express your love, fatansies, desires all of it. I would bet that if u both took sex in a relationship more seriously you would find yourselves more jn tuned with one another. Before me and my wides problems I had porn issues same as you anx sex was good but after out problems we have sex daily if not twice a day. I know this wont last forever but at least till I'm sixty or impotent lol. All joking asside sex is imo the biggest thing in a healthy relationship. I know many will say communication or love or many other things. And they are right if u look at sex the way we both used to just a form of selfish pleasure. But if u lokk at it as connecfing and sharing with your wife its so much more powerful than what people realize. Hope u enjoy your wife and your life they go hand in hand.
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NatashaYurino

When you had sex with the other woman, did you wear a condom? I mean is there any chance this woman might show up out of the blue pregnant?

I congratulate you for your efforts in fixing the situation. This is one more story that gives me hope that not all cheaters are proud of their actions. I wish you and your wife the best.

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Tasorundo

Natasha, no I didn't, but I had a vasectomy 7 years ago and haven't had any issues. Additionally, I don't think she could contact me if she wanted to as neither of us know each other more than a first name and the fact we were in the same hotel. I think she was also surgicially sterilized as well.



The party and vows were great. We had about 40 people there, and everyone had a wonderful time. Everyone present knew our story and many of them have been in our lives for more than 10 years. Several people commented on how touching the ceremony was. Food was great, fellowship was great, and my wife is great.

We got to go out of town for the weekend for free because I had to do a couple hours of work in another city. So, it was basically like a free weekend road trip.

We have things to work on, and I certainly have things to work on, but each day is a step. Our comminication continues to get better and really that is at the heart of it all.

Tasorundo

So, it has been almost a year since the ONS, and the D-day right after. I figured I would update this thread, because it is good to have some positive messages.

Things have been pretty good when you look at what happened a year ago. It rarely comes up, and when it does come up, it is not a dreadful negative conversation, but more of a turning point in our marriage.

I have been in IC since the affair, weekly at first and now just once a month. It has been a really good process, working through my past and how I got to where I am now. I have uncovered a lot of things, a lot of ways I hurt my wife and how it was set up for failure from the beginning. I have historically had way too strong of an association between sex and love, so much so that I find it hard to feel loved in any other way.

When you couple that with my wife's issues regarding sex, it was a recipe for disaster. I by no means am excusing my actions as they were and are still wrong. Being a logical person, it is good to be able to plot out what happened and have some reasoning behind it. I was in a wrong place, with a wrong attitude, and wrongly I sought my own desires above all else.

My wife and I went through a program at our church and at the end of it, we are supposed to make amends to people that we have sinned against. Last week, we sat down and she read through a 2 page list of things she felt she needed to make amends for. I teared up, because these are all the things I have felt for years and have been dismissed as non-issues.

So, things have been going well I would say. We make it a point to sit down and talk for at least 10 minutes every night as soon as we put our son to bed. I started that recently as other attempts to make deliberate time every night had not worked so well. If we have more time than 10 minutes, we read through a chapter of a book together and discuss our thoughts on it.

The only down side is that we still have issues in the sex department. Recently she changed doctors and the doctor changed her anti-depressants from an NRI to a SNRI. When she called me about that, it felt like someone just punched me in the stomach. Years ago she was on an SRI, and not only did it kill her already comatose libido, it made her practically an-orgasmic as well. Things have not gone really well since that change, but I am in a much better place.

I am working through my issues with that, and doing my best to be a loving, supporting, and caring husband. I am working on receiving her love in other ways, and she is working on showing me love sexually. Both of us are committed to being together, and I am confident that we will remain that way.

Headspin

Well done both of you some heavy lifting going on there

However the sex thing is not going to go away is it.

As much as you have done to maybe take the focus away from 'sex = love' good fulfilling sex is a prerequisite in a long term union and the lack of will rear its head unless there is some positive response for you both imo

hopefulgirl

I have to say I'm really impressed with how hard you've been working on yourself and your marriage. And as someone who just experienced D-Day less than a month ago, it does give me hope that things can get better, so thank you for continuing to post. As someone else said, you probably need little advice because you are so far ahead of most WS's - you REALLY "get it!" You knew you needed to do the "heavy lifting," and you really started doing the hard work right from the get-go.

I thought I would address the sex issue because my WS said his affair was strictly about that. He didn't love the OW, and they even agreed it was going to be just about sex.

I think it's very important that you NOT keep an orgasm score. I've had some physical issues and I know that sometimes things just don't work and it may have nothing to do with our husbands.

But men tend to take these things personally. That's why so many women fake it! You certainly don't want that, because then you get into dishonesty, and there you go again, breaking the trust that you've been working so hard to rebuild.

If she never, ever has an orgasm on this drug, then she'd want to discuss it with the doctor. But if her frequency of orgasm is OK for HER, that's what's important. Don't assume she needs that as often as you do.

The libido is another matter. If you have a frequency of sex now that is far down from what you used to have, you may start to have resentment, and there will be tension. You WILL need to address that. If your needs can be met through cuddling with her or satisfying yourself, then maybe the tension won't mount. But if you harbor secret desires for something more... remember, this is how you got in trouble in the first place. You want to make sure to be in prevention mode at all times, to be aware of anything and everything that made you vulnerable to cheating, and dealing with ALL of it.

Maybe the porn did have a lasting effect on you? The nymphos (at least they act like it - a lot of those poor women are drugged up) in porn are not like most women. We take care of our homes and maybe kids and often have a job too, so we are not usually as "full of extra energy" as the porn stars. Could your expectations be too high? Was the "multiple times a week" that you used to have something that she was doing because she really wanted that frequency, or was she doing it because she sensed you HAD to have sex that often?

I'm not at all suggesting you're a sex addict - you really don't sound like it - but I think your focus on sex definitely got you into trouble, and the ONS deeply wounded your wife. So it may be worth asking yourself how often you TRULY want to have sex, and if that's a lot, what does that mean, and how can you deal with the difference between how much you want and how much you are having. And most important of all, how can you deal with this difference with love and tenderness and the never-too-many apologies to your wife.

Catherine602

T can you approach her about the change in meds and how it is affecting your marriage. You realize it is, right?

I think that since this is a central issue in your marital problems, you should take it as a seriously. I say this because you seem to be falling back into a pattern no? Her sex drive is being affected by meds but you both have not discussed the change and alternatives with the physician.

Again you fail to discuss your concern and problem openly. This is big and you must find a solution. You are likely to head down the same road again. You both have come too far to go back to old patterns. Remember when you read her journal and you said she listed problems that she earlier dismissed? What happened to those hopeful feelings you had?

Remember, honestly is best, then you can work together. There are meds that have a better profile for affects on libido. Talk to her about working with hr physician to find the right combination.

BTW it is normal for men to feel loved by having sex.
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Tasorundo

Hey guys, I am glad that my story is helpful for some. I think it is a good story and really does, at least so far, have a happy ending.

The sex issues we have now are talked about. We openly discuss them, and in fact, the Friday after she started taking the new drug we had a conversation about it. I know that does not mean it is fixed, but it is not a hidden problem driving a wedge between us.

I don't expect her to perform like a porn star, and we have talked about that. I expect her to want to be present when it happens. She knows that, and we have had a lot of progress in that area.

My attitudes on sex have changed a lot in the past year and dealing with my porn addiction has helped a lot in that area. Ideally I would like to have sex 2-3 times a week, and some of those being quickies is fine with me. It does not need to be a marathon, however having some of those mixed in would be nice.

When it comes to medication, I know a lot about the various meds available and I know why she has been put on the current one. I am have a medicinal chemistry background and read up on anything that my wife or I get prescribed. I am not shy in asking questions to doctors and love to read medical journals. I believe that the current med she is on is the best thing for her overall wellbeing at this time.