My sister and I were debating the value of snooping in a relationship, particularly since her 17 year marriage ended after her husband admitted to an affair which she believes lasted 6 years. (Her exH is still with her.)
She said, well the affair could go underground......like that's a bad thing. I'm assuming that "going underground" for most people would be unpleasant and therefore accelerate certain decisions, either the APs break up or the the APs decide it's time to move from their married partners.
What has been the experiences of those WSs who did go underground or to the BSs who had to deal with their spouse going underground.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
well the term applies after the affair is discovered and the affair continues by using less "detectable" means- ie secret emails, secret phones, etc
That's what I meant. With my exH, a lot of information about his affair was floating around the house but I prided myself on digging into his papers and so on. Since it was an exit affair, we separated soon after. And I know he went on to marry someone else, not the woman named in my divorce application.
I'm just also trying to understand what people get out of constant sneaking around and so on.
My sister is pretty certain that her exH paid for his mistress's nursing training. So, ok, that's a pretty rational move on the mistress's part. But for relationships where one partner doesn't get such tangible benefits, I'm just wondering how long they can last conducting a relationship effectively in the catacombs.
Some people just like feeling in control and feeling powerful. Cheating is like getting one over on the system and it is a cheap ego boost. The people who cheat in relationships are the same kind of people who would cheat in games or in other tasks; they want some prize more than they want a chance to get the prize fairly. Usually, these are people who feel that something is owed to them that they haven't gotten and this is their reward. It's childish and petty, but...most people are.
In terms of 'what do WSs get by sneaking around' I can only speak for our situation--
I think my WS and his AP thought they were star-crossed lovers separated in a former life. Okay, sorta kidding. Instead, they were best friends in the whole world, soulmates, could share anything with each other, met each other years too late etc.
They were in a fantasy that each meant the entire universe to the other, and that no one else could comprehend them. Never mind that they barely knew anything about each other, or that they had very few commonalities in terms of values and beliefs. They were made for each other!
So the reason they went 'underground' AFTER DD#1 is they could not bear to be separated from their other half (because of the addictive bonding they had forged). Yes, you are right, they were 'always' underground but after my discovery they switched some means of communication to try to hide their relationship a little better, and my WS lied to me and claimed they were done.
(as a sidenote, they actually didn't hide things that well, but I didn't know about TAM, I was super trusting and didn't try hard to double check...like lots of others this makes me feel so STUPID, argh...)
It's basic human psychology to want what you can't have. They couldn't call and text whenever they wanted; they couldn't meet for lunch whenever they wanted. So they had lots of anticipation and oops we almost got caught moments that created more fantasy bonding.
But as the years (yes, years) passed, the AP in my case realized my husband was NOT her soulmate although she was still seriously addicted to his endless fauning compliments and 'support' (which meant, zero criticizing, unlike her flesh and blood husband). And my husband realized his more intense feelings were an infatuation, that she would not make, for ex., a good mom to his children or attend his church or be welcome at his parents' home. But they still didn't end it on their own.
attend his church or be welcome at his parents' home. But they still didn't end it on their own.
So he was concerned that his affair partner wouldn't go to his church??? Seriously - he is a long term cheater and he goes to church?? I bet he even judges other people's bad morals! -
he's a huge walking hypocrite.
Doesn't he see how wrong it is to be in a church and carry on cheating on his marriage?
So he was concerned that his affair partner wouldn't go to his church??? Seriously - he is a long term cheater and he goes to church?? I bet he even judges other people's bad morals! -
he's a huge walking hypocrite.
Doesn't he see how wrong it is to be in a church and carry on cheating on his marriage?
Oh, believe me, it was even worse than that. I found an email exchange between them where they visited a cathedral near her grad school and he went on and on about how beautiful she was kneeling in the pew.
But no, he is not a hypocrite in the sense that he judges others' morals, and I say that with a because in another email, he sympathized with Governor Sanford. If you don't know his story, it's a hoot. Except for people on TAM, who would find it nauseating.
Truthfully, I am not sure whether he believes in God or not at this point.
Like many other BSs whose spouses stuck around, once the main 'crisis' is over and the WS chooses the BS, I am left with wondering exactly what it is I have. I don't actually believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do believe that this type of betrayal of such a deep trust blackens one's soul.
I'm taking it day by day with an understanding that some day I may decide I'm not able to live with what he did and who he is after all.
In terms of 'what do WSs get by sneaking around' I can only speak for our situation--
I think my WS and his AP thought they were star-crossed lovers separated in a former life. Okay, sorta kidding. Instead, they were best friends in the whole world, soulmates, could share anything with each other, met each other years too late etc.
They were in a fantasy that each meant the entire universe to the other, and that no one else could comprehend them. Never mind that they barely knew anything about each other, or that they had very few commonalities in terms of values and beliefs. They were made for each other!
So the reason they went 'underground' AFTER DD#1 is they could not bear to be separated from their other half (because of the addictive bonding they had forged). Yes, you are right, they were 'always' underground but after my discovery they switched some means of communication to try to hide their relationship a little better, and my WS lied to me and claimed they were done.
(as a sidenote, they actually didn't hide things that well, but I didn't know about TAM, I was super trusting and didn't try hard to double check...like lots of others this makes me feel so STUPID, argh...)
It's basic human psychology to want what you can't have. They couldn't call and text whenever they wanted; they couldn't meet for lunch whenever they wanted. So they had lots of anticipation and oops we almost got caught moments that created more fantasy bonding.
Nailed it.
My wife won't check up on me at all for this reason. She says, 'You're better at IT than I am, if you want to you can start up again and hide it from me, but you'll slip up, and when you do I'm outta here." Puts the ball totally in my court. Were I her, I'd check on me but she's right and saves herself the stress.
"Going underground" is when a cheaters spouse bust them due to inappropriate E-mail and text messages(Example).
The cheater begs forgiveness,swears they stopped the affair, then goes out to buy a burner pre-pay phone and creates a new secret Hotmail account for e-mail communications to continue the affair.
It`s just being much more careful about the affair so as not to get busted a second,third...forth time.
My WS's EA and PA were all underground from the get-go. Are any affairs above ground?
Yes. I found out about an EA and then my stbxw was annoyed because I seemed to object to it. She then continued it as a PA. In front of me.
I threw her out within a week but this did not stop her trying to take it back undeground and reconcile for 11 months. On all occasions I stomped on the R because I knew what she was up to.
This happened on a monthly basis until every shred of respect for her was eaten away. I sometimes wonder if this is the intention of this type of behavior.
She was, and still is, very confused as to how I could be so mean.
Some people just like feeling in control and feeling powerful. Cheating is like getting one over on the system and it is a cheap ego boost. The people who cheat in relationships are the same kind of people who would cheat in games or in other tasks; they want some prize more than they want a chance to get the prize fairly. Usually, these are people who feel that something is owed to them that they haven't gotten and this is their reward. It's childish and petty, but...most people are.
Really?
I can only speak for the guys I know that see "working girls" from time to time maybe that's not a true affair because there is no real emotion.
They say it's no different then going hunting, fishing, driving a new car, etc etc it's fun, it's cheap, it just happens to be sex. They get bored from time to time.......it's not that they don't love there wive's as "hypocritical" as that sounds just couple times a year something different.
I don't know what to say about it except I hope I don't ever fall into that trap. I know that boredome does set in especially for men........I guess as much as all affairs are different all are the same.
I only know one guy who had the types of affairs you guys are mentioning the love, soul mate, blah blah blah. The 3-4 guys I know have model marriages they just go to Vegas a couple times a year or similar and do what stereotypically happens there.
If my STBXW had been any further underground she would have dug up diamonds. It was only when she accidentally sent me an incriminating text that was meant for the OM, I would still be in the dark today. Posted via Mobile Device
I only know one guy who had the types of affairs you guys are mentioning the love, soul mate, blah blah blah. The 3-4 guys I know have model marriages they just go to Vegas a couple times a year or similar and do what stereotypically happens there.
Well, one hard lesson my wayward wife had to face is her 'knight in shining armor' she loved basically felt like you describe above. She was his piece of ass from time to time. He just 'paid' her with compliments and listened to her 'interesting stories' and laughed at her jokes....
I wrecked her when I showed her how he'd bragged on a PUA site about it all. Her love was a one-way fantasy. She was nothing more than a booty call.
I think more than anything else, this is what destroyed my wife. She threw away real love for a delusion she made up in her head with someone who just said what she wanted to hear. Now she has no love at all; I use her to get what I want out of the relationship.
As for the underground... Yes, that happened in my story. 6 months and several thousand into MC and I discover the pre-paid calling card. Once past the denials, her 'why' was "You made me feel bad about myself, and he doesn't. I needed someone to cheer me up." That's when I threw in the towel....
I am still with her, but it's not a marriage anymore to me. She's changed, but did so much damage its going to take a lifetime for me to ever feel safe enough to let her back in like that.
7Likes
What happens when an affair goes underground? 
because in another email, he sympathized with Governor Sanford. If you don't know his story, it's a hoot. Except for people on TAM, who would find it nauseating.
That's when I threw in the towel.... 
