I have been married for a couple of years now. We had been trying for a baby ever since we got married. After 15 months of trying, my wife finally announced she was pregnant. We were over the moon. We both were really excited about the arrival, telling everyone our good news along with scan photos. Life was great.
Anyway, when she was 8 months pregnant, my wife told me that she had had a one night stand "ages ago". She had been very drunk, and on various medication at the time. When I pressed her to tell me when it was, it turned out to be 8 months previously. She told me that it had been unprotected sex, although she had used the morning after pill. She was sure the baby was mine because we had had sex a couple of times at the right time. Anyway, I asked for a prenatal paternity test and found out (9 days before the baby was born) that it wasn't mine. That was the single worst moment of my life.
I love my wife dearly, and she loves me too and is devastated at what she has done. She has also offered to give the baby up for adoption, as she would rather live without the baby than live without me.
But,, bye bye birdy! Dont kid yourself. Your wife loves you too and is devestated at what she has done,,,, but its okay and dandy if you flip the bill for her one night stander offspring..
Guess what? Lifes full of single worst moments.
To allow you to spend any amount of time thinking that bun in the oven was yours was a lie to your face.
Man.. this doesnt sound like a person you want to invest something as valuable as the rest of your life with. Someone to raise a real family with... This is huge, and you need to take note. Let your sense of self defense kick in and outshine the emotion..
Sorry, Im just left with a "aw Hell Naw" at this story...
Here is my two cents and what I would do in a similar situation. This is only personal opinion.
First, I'd assess what I really wanted. You've been with her for a few years, is she worth going through a whole bunch of crap for? Because that's what you're reconciliation will be.
Second, I'd assess what her reaction to the cheating was. Why did she not bring it up earlier? Why did she lie? Is she truly remorseful (not just saying sorry but her behavior showing it)? Has she changed her behavior to ensure it wouldn't happen again? What was the driving factor in her cheating?
Last, the fact that you don't have kids would most likely drastically alter the decision. If you have kids already you have a family on the line. There's a lot at stake there. Not saying that should be THE reason to reconcile but it certainly makes it worth it. In your case, you're basically solidifying a bond with someone who is not yours, with nothing but a cheater keeping you there.
As you describe it, she kind of flippantly said "oh I cheated, no biggie" and then that was it. I'm not sure if that actually happened, but as is, definitely does not show true remorse. In fact, not telling you about it and trickle truthing you is pretty bad, especially with a kid on the line. You're going to be financially responsible for the next 18 years for this kid (most likely, unless you live in a state that doesn't recognize it, which most do not), that's a tough pill to swallow.
So unless you provide more details about her reaction and what not, I would personally leave. I'd consider it good luck that you found out before you ended up with kids with her, and you can walk away from this with no obligation to financially support this kid. Me thinks she's using you to be her pay check and baby daddy. I think she knew the whole time there was a possibility, she didn't mention it because she wanted to keep you locked up.
Here is my two cents and what I would do in a similar situation. This is only personal opinion.
First, I'd assess what I really wanted. You've been with her for a few years, is she worth going through a whole bunch of crap for? Because that's what you're reconciliation will be.
Second, I'd assess what her reaction to the cheating was. Why did she not bring it up earlier? Why did she lie? Is she truly remorseful (not just saying sorry but her behavior showing it)? Has she changed her behavior to ensure it wouldn't happen again? What was the driving factor in her cheating?
Last, the fact that you don't have kids would most likely drastically alter the decision. If you have kids already you have a family on the line. There's a lot at stake there. Not saying that should be THE reason to reconcile but it certainly makes it worth it. In your case, you're basically solidifying a bond with someone who is not yours, with nothing but a cheater keeping you there.
As you describe it, she kind of flippantly said "oh I cheated, no biggie" and then that was it. I'm not sure if that actually happened, but as is, definitely does not show true remorse. In fact, not telling you about it and trickle truthing you is pretty bad, especially with a kid on the line. You're going to be financially responsible for the next 18 years for this kid (most likely, unless you live in a state that doesn't recognize it, which most do not), that's a tough pill to swallow.
So unless you provide more details about her reaction and what not, I would personally leave. I'd consider it good luck that you found out before you ended up with kids with her, and you can walk away from this with no obligation to financially support this kid. Me thinks she's using you to be her pay check and baby daddy. I think she knew the whole time there was a possibility, she didn't mention it because she wanted to keep you locked up.
OUCH and sorry but I think coguy is right on here. Easier now than when you get attached to that baby.
I don't think you have the truth here. IF she had a ONS and took the morning after pill, then it couldn't be his.
Doesn't add up.
I bet you'll find it was more than a ONS, and the truth is more likely he dumped her when she told him she was pregnant.
You are her fall back. The ONS story and the morning after pill are her way of trying to cover up that she willingly cheated AND she wants you to now raise for next 18 years another mans kid.
Oh, and she did this while you were trying to have a kid! So she knew very much what would happen.
Also, If she was that medicated etc - then it would have been RAPE. But she's not treating it that way is she?
Dump and run. Get a lawyer NOW and take steps to ensure you are not listed as the father and responsible for paying for this other man's child.
Do not stay out of a sense of responsibility to her or guilt. She choose to sleep with and to conceive another man's kid and try to get you to raise it. That's down right evil.
Having ended a sexless marriage last year, if I was in your shoes I would divorce her. But if you want to play the martyr and raise another man's child, then be my guest.
Married two years and she cheated on you? Actually she cheated on you at the 16 month mark. Let's see, that means after you've been married for fifty years she'll have cheated how many times? Hell, I'm not even going to figure it out, you do the math (50 x 12/16=37.5 times of screwing other guys).
I'm sure you're certain it's only been once...right? By the way, if she remembers what happened she must have been totally out of it and without decision making power...correct?
You know, your chances of being attacked by a polar bear AND a grizzly bear, on the same day, are better odds than winning the lottery? One spirt and she's pregnant? Odds are good, the goods are odd.
When was the baby born? Are you on the baby's birth certificate? There could be 18-year-long financial obligations for you regardless of whether you kick them out or not.
If it were I, I'd kick them out... but infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. Only you know if it's a dealbreaker for you. I wish you the best. You've been forced into an awful situation through no fault of your own.
She has also offered to give the baby up for adoption, as she would rather live without the baby than live without me.
She did this out of fear of losing you but if she's like most women who love children, this fear will turn into bitterness and resentment towards you for 'forcing' her to make that choice. It will be thrown in your face as time goes by, despite the fact that it was HER decision for a situation SHE created. For this reason, I vote that you file for divorce.
Your wife waited 8 months for a reason. There is no way to divorce before the baby is born. Make sure you have a good lawyer. Take out a loan if you have to. In the long run it will be cheaper. If you let this go, you will have resentment... It will happen again. She put herself in a position that a ONS was possible. IMO, once a cheater, always a cheater. Stick around here for a while and you will read about so many stories, it will make your head spin.
You must reall love your wife to even consider keeping her. It's a shame that she doesn't feel the same way.
This is something to think about. Most cheaters will not tell you the full truth. It is quite possible that it was more than a one night stand. It is clear that she has no problem lying to you and withholding information from you as well. Find out who the OM is and talk to him and expose him to his wife.
It is interesting that your wife seems to take no responsibility in lying to you and having unprotected sex which put you and her at risk for STD's. She does not use protection and does not tell you. How nice that she did not care that she may have given you a disease. How nice that she blames the cheating on drinking and other medications. This is not taking responsibility for her actions. I guarantee you that there is probably much more to her story than you know. See an attorney to understand your rights. Do you really want to pay for the next 18 years for a child that is not yours? If you get a divorce down the line you will still have to pay for this child. Good luck.
She was with an OM at a time when the two of you were actively trying to conceive? So she was probably getting lots of sex from you but still not enough. She sounds seriously messed up, do you want to be stuck with a cheater, liar and person with such a badly broken moral compass the rest of your life? And everytime you look at this child knowing its not your offspring will you be able to cope with the lifetime of resentment that will surely bring? View this as your last chance to jettison the dead weight, because as I discussed in another thread (and I know because one of my best friends went through this exact scenario) once you take care of this child as your own the courts will stick you with that financial burden the rest of your life even if your cheating W chooses to run off with yet another man and take this child with her (assuming she wins custody). The moment you accept this child as your own it will be your obligation...
IMO you should divorce her because she is unfaithful and she should pursue child support from the OM, if the OM is unwilling and she doesnt' want to go after him legally she should decide if she can raise her child as a single mom and if not she should give it up for adoption to a home that wants and is able to provide a loving family to this child. Sorry for your doozie of a problem, but IMO you should let her go she is not worth keeping, nor are her problems.
There is a good chance that in a month this poor baby will come out looking nothing like you....hence the long awaited truth from your WW.
Step back protect your self by getting a lawyer and give your self the time before you have your lawyer pull the trigger. There may even be a good chance that once your WW hears about the step you are taking she may come completly clean, and with that you may have all the pieces that you will have in knowing what you are forgiving her for.
The thing here is you truely don't know what you are forgiving her for, for now this ONS is only that, but it could turn out that the ONS does change into a relationship. What I'm saying is this ONS guy could change his mind....especially when he no longer has any responsablity for the bastard child but gets to reap the benifites of having your wife on the side.
There is a strong possiblity that things have cooled down and the affair is deep underground until your WW is back on her feet. A poly graph test my also be in order, having some questions asked to iether confirm or deny that this guy is what she says is and he will/won't resurface once his kid is born. Then not only to have the child to deal with but also deal with your WW seeing the other man while he visits his child.
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Devastating Situation - What would you do? 
Re: Devastating Situation - What would you do? 
