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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-03-2012, 11:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default BS Have you changed?

I am not happy with the person I have become. After catching my wife in her affair and 5 more months of stomping it into the ground. I have become a very distrustful suspicious person and not just with my wife. I am really only 4 months into an honest R with my wife, I mean honest because she was talking with him via email and chats into December.

To add to what I am feeling. My sister is now leaving her husband and she seems to have several guys on the side as well.

I want to be able to trust again and I want to open my heart again but I keep holding back. I do not want to talk about it either. Has anyone else gone through this? I thought my anger was subsiding but I know it is boiling up again.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

I have in that I am suspicious of EVERYTHING he does/says. It sucks.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

Good post...

I hate what I have become. I am paranoid, insecure about my relationship, full of anger and suspicion, etc.

I hate the anger that I feel at times toward him. The other day we had another go round about this and I made a comment about his EA being a piece of ****/trash..the thing is I do not really believe that because she was lied by him as he told her he was separated. But I wanted to lash out at him via her I gu ess.

As for insecurity about the relationship I feel that big time..I keep thinking what if he does this again..I cannot even imagine a time when I trust him completely like I once did and that angers me as well. This was someone that I thought would never ever do this to me.

As well he mentioned that him and his EA had flirtatious banter between them that he has not had in a long time..and since D DAy occured and even before (we have been together for 23 years) we have not had that flirtatious kind of banter for many many years, thus that angers me because on average our conversations are far from flirtatious banter especially now. So I feel angry that I cannot sound like that happy flirtatious girl that his EA came across as., and this only adds to the vicious cycle.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by highwood View Post
Good post...

I hate what I have become. I am paranoid, insecure about my relationship, full of anger and suspicion, etc.

I hate the anger that I feel at times toward him. The other day we had another go round about this and I made a comment about his EA being a piece of ****/trash..the thing is I do not really believe that because she was lied by him as he told her he was separated. But I wanted to lash out at him via her I gu ess.

As for insecurity about the relationship I feel that big time..I keep thinking what if he does this again..I cannot even imagine a time when I trust him completely like I once did and that angers me as well. This was someone that I thought would never ever do this to me.

As well he mentioned that him and his EA had flirtatious banter between them that he has not had in a long time..and since D DAy occured and even before (we have been together for 23 years) we have not had that flirtatious kind of banter for many many years, thus that angers me because on average our conversations are far from flirtatious banter especially now. So I feel angry that I cannot sound like that happy flirtatious girl that his EA came across as., and this only adds to the vicious cycle.
On Friday I came home and we had a good evening up to a point. After going out to a Mexican restaurant we came home. I had not been home in a week. I checked my wife's cell phone and she deleted a bunch of text messages. I got mad. She started being friends with a girl she went to HS with 30 years ago and they met at a tavern about two weeks ago. I do not like it and I told my WS about it. She got mad and told me that I can't control her getting in contact with old friends. I blew up big time.

I told my WS that she has made me this way. I was never angry, paranoid, suspicious, anxious, etc. I told her I hate the person that I have become and I told her that she is the only person to blame for this.

We made up and had a good weekend but I do not like what I have become.

Last night she was texting her long lost friend for 1 1/2 hours. I have not said a word yet. But I do not like it. Why after 30 years do you get in contact with a HS friend that you partied with when you were a teenager. After what we have gone through you would think my WS would get it the first time I mentioned that I do not like it.

No I do not like the person I have become.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

I HATE the person I am...

I used to be outgoing, knew no strangers, positive about EVERYTHING and stayed healthy and active.

Now I speak to no one, avoid public places, and stopped running and eat like sh*t.

I heard H phone ding with a text and without thinking first I instantly said "who is it?" and then cringed bc I was asking with a crazy person's tone.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

Not sure yet, but I think I like the person I have become.

I feel stronger, more autonomous, less dependent on my marriage for happiness and stability. Less under his "spell".

I still love him, of course, but now I see how much I had idealized him, how much I needed the marriage to succeed to be "ok". Now I know I am going to be ok no matter what happens with the marriage.

I really didn't have ownership of that knowledge before.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

Yes. I've become intolerant, depressed, full of despair, mistrustful, defensive, suspicious, detached, and unmotivated to do anything. I've also become angry (once in a while), skeptical, pessimistic, less enthusiastic, and less reliable. And celibate. :/ I think I hate STBXH a little for making sex unappealing. I'm tired of feeling like a loser, so I've decided that everytime I feel pathetic, I'll go for a run or do something to beautify myself. The funniest change is that while I look pretty good, I feel like a crazy person in hell.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

My STBXW stole my smile. I want it back.
Posted via Mobile Device
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

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Originally Posted by moxy View Post
Yes. I've become intolerant, depressed, full of despair, mistrustful, defensive, suspicious, detached, and unmotivated to do anything. I've also become angry (once in a while), skeptical, pessimistic, less enthusiastic, and less reliable. And celibate. :/ I think I hate STBXH a little for making sex unappealing. I'm tired of feeling like a loser, so I've decided that everytime I feel pathetic, I'll go for a run or do something to beautify myself. The funniest change is that while I look pretty good, I feel like a crazy person in hell.
That's the key Moxy...do something good for yourself.

ONe good thing out of this mess for me was that over the last 6 months I have lost 26 lbs..only have another 7 lbs or so to go for goal.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

The more I think about it, my head starts burning. I lost my innocence.
I hate to be in this anger.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
My STBXW stole my smile. I want it back.
Posted via Mobile Device
Just yesterday my H said "I miss your smile". Yeah, its somewhere along with my damned soul....
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

I am hoping that this is a process and I will come out the other end stronger and in a good place. Right now everything is looking like a dark tunnel and the other end has a light but I think it is a train to run me over/

The only thing that makes me smile right now is my graddaughter.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS Have you changed?

But through this we were also given wisdom, insight, and a lesson in what we as ourselves truly want. The pitfalls to look out for, the methods with which to help support the marriage during times of trouble.

Ive worried about this some myself. I worry that some woman I am dating will say, or act in some way similar to the ex.
Will this ruin the new thing abruptly?
Will I shout something stupid like "My Ex WIfe Used to do that when she was...... "

I worry because I am still saying "we" and "us", and there aint no more "we" or "us", unless you are counting my multiple personalities...
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I hate how I am now. Feeling like I have to verify everything he says and does. Questioning everything. Why do i have to play crazy detective while he just sits there asking me to figure out how to rebuild the trust and make everything ok? Wait what how is it my responsibility to find a way to fix this mess when he's the one that was texting numerous women telling them personal stuff about us and our marriage? Then when it all came out he made me beg plead and cry countless times for him all the while defending them saying they had a place in his life, so where's my place? When he finally gave them up it wasn't cause he felt bad or considered my feelings, he gave them up cause "he was tired of the nagging and he hopes one day I'll calm down and he can have them back" Ha he can have em back but im packing my sh*t and leaving if thats the case. So now his solution is you need to "just trust me" that's where it starts. I call BS. I just trusted you before look where that got me. He nuked the trust and I'm left standing here trying to find a way to rebuild it. How is this fair? I'm angry all the time it seems, suspicious and generally feel like I'm losing my sanity. I end up with way more questions than answers. Do i think about doing what he did to tear him down inside like he did to me? Yeah I do. Will i? No cause it won't help anything at all it would be 100x worse. He has been trying to be open with talking but it seems the second I ask a question he jumps back and starts telling me I'm being accessive and controlling and that i need to just not think about what happened and move on. Man if only it were that easy...

Oh and now he wants to go on a boys weekend away with the same friend that enabled him to exchange numbers with these women who worked at the bars he was going to. I asked how he thought that was a good idea given I don't believe a word he tells me right now. He answers well I don't think sitting on the couch all the time is going to help you trust me. Really? How about you try it and we see what happens. I flat out told him this would cause me to question his actions more if he went and he is still considering it cause he thinks its a good idea. I'm really starting to think he doesn't give a dam how I feel its just about what he wants to do.
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I hate how I am now. Feeling like I have to verify everything he says and does. Questioning everything. Why do i have to play crazy detective while he just sits there asking me to figure out how to rebuild the trust and make everything ok? Wait what how is it my responsibility to find a way to fix this mess when he's the one that was texting numerous women telling them personal stuff about us and our marriage? Then when it all came out he made me beg plead and cry countless times for him all the while defending them saying they had a place in his life, so where's my place? When he finally gave them up it wasn't cause he felt bad or considered my feelings, he gave them up cause "he was tired of the nagging and he hopes one day I'll calm down and he can have them back" Ha he can have em back but im packing my sh*t and leaving if thats the case. So now his solution is you need to "just trust me" that's where it starts. I call BS. I just trusted you before look where that got me. He nuked the trust and I'm left standing here trying to find a way to rebuild it. How is this fair? I'm angry all the time it seems, suspicious and generally feel like I'm losing my sanity. I end up with way more questions than answers. Do i think about doing what he did to tear him down inside like he did to me? Yeah I do. Will i? No cause it won't help anything at all it would be 100x worse. He has been trying to be open with talking but it seems the second I ask a question he jumps back and starts telling me I'm being accessive and controlling and that i need to just not think about what happened and move on. Man if only it were that easy...

Oh and now he wants to go on a boys weekend away with the same friend that enabled him to exchange numbers with these women who worked at the bars he was going to. I asked how he thought that was a good idea given I don't believe a word he tells me right now. He answers well I don't think sitting on the couch all the time is going to help you trust me. Really? How about you try it and we see what happens. I flat out told him this would cause me to question his actions more if he went and he is still considering it cause he thinks its a good idea. I'm really starting to think he doesn't give a dam how I feel its just about what he wants to do.
sorry, but Im not hearing remorse here.
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