Leslie, I won't presume to tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. My wife never told me; I found out accidentally. It nearly destroyed me. But I fought my way back, on my own. We've never even discussed it directly, but she knows that I know. She is the picture of the remorseful, transparent wife. And we both live with knowing that I will never fully trust her again. Sometimes I wish that she could find a way to tell me, both for her healing and my own.
@ Jellybeans: met abroad, no real reason to contact him, he is not married but has a girlfriend, does not know my husband, we worked at the same hospital together
does any of that really matter?
Well, the more background we know, the better it is to advise you. Also, if you know his girlfriend and he knows your husband, then the betrayal is even bigger.
Why bother to continue to post? Lets be honest. You're NOT going to tell your husband that you screwed some other guy and that you enjoyed the experience. You're going to continue to live with this, rug sweep it as best that you can and pat yourself on the back for getting away with it!
Your just on here to get it off your chest and tell SOMEONE about it. To try and ease any guilt you may have over this experience. So, in essence...your using us to unload on.
@entropy: I met him on a business trip in a foreign country.
@sadsamiam: no, after
I realize that at this point I don't deserve the husband I have, but I can't lose him. It's true, I clearly wasn't thinking of this at the time of the affair. I think for me (and clearly this is biased) that if my husband cheated on me once (one night stand type of thing) I'd rather not know.
I don't believe you love your husband. If you did why would you risk hurting him? I think you are in a comfortable marriage that meets your financial and everyday needs but I think you see your husband as a friend for whom you have an affectionate regard. Not love. You're a typical career woman who puts her needs before her husband's. We see your kind here all the time. My wife is cut from the same as cloth as you.
Tell your husband what you did. You owe him the truth after all he has done for you. He has a right to decide his own fate. You do not own his destiny. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't believe you love your husband. If you did why would you risk hurting him? I think you are in a comfortable marriage that meets your financial and everyday needs but I think you see your husband as a friend for whom you have an affectionate regard. Not love. You're a typical career woman who puts her needs before her husband's. We see your kind here all the time. My wife is cut from the same as cloth as you.
Tell your husband what you did. You owe him the truth after all he has done for you. He has a right to decide his own fate. You do not own his destiny. Posted via Mobile Device
The worst part is that she doesn't regret "the connection". That's just cruel in my opinion.
@entropy: I met him on a business trip in a foreign country.
@sadsamiam: no, after
I realize that at this point I don't deserve the husband I have, but I can't lose him. It's true, I clearly wasn't thinking of this at the time of the affair. I think for me (and clearly this is biased) that if my husband cheated on me once (one night stand type of thing) I'd rather not know.
Early on in my marriage I travelled over seas some on business. On more than one occasion I had "opportunities". I told them I was married and loved my wife. They said she never has to know. Yes I was in Europe. I told them, I would know. I am so glad I made that choice. I have seen a reference to Europe in that men are just supposed to be descreet if not faithful. Not saying this is everyone, as I would have no idea whether this is accepted broadly or not.
You met someone on a trip like this. Can we assume you only knew him a short time? Was this a ONS or was it a short fling ( affair )? This is a very romantic idea indeed. Reminds me of the movie The Other Man.
So your premise is that you will never see this person again. You will have these secrets with another man. The traditional advise I have heard from one woman to another was take it to your grave.
FWIW, I absolutley would want to know. Any chance of R would be thrown away with discovering it on my own.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-03-2012 at 01:09 PM.
Most of us here have been hurt by folks like you, a cheater. It is hard to know what to say, because we found out. I can't say whether it is better to have to use a GPS, phone, etc to find out like I did or have my WS confess. I will say this. My wife lied and lied and lied, even when caught and that dear, made it and makes it even more difficult.
Perhaps in the long run it would have been easier if my wife would have told me, then told me the entire truth, because I am still checking on what she has told me and it has been months, because of all the lies.
Tell him and when you do, tell him all the details, and then anwer all his questions without hesitation.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
The screwing up isn't the horrible part. The lying is the horrible part. You made a mistake? Big deal. Hiding it makes it worse. But....you don't really care, do you?
Leslie, I had this same dilema on Friday of last week. I spent most of the day thinking about it, and searching opinions of 'professionals' online.
Finally, I talked to some people, who I actually know and respect. I knew the answer all along was to tell her what I had done. They immediately confirmed what I already knew.
If you are to be a person with integrity, a person that can look at your spouse and feel love for them, there is no choice. You have opened this can of worms, you must let him decide what to do with them.
You may think you are doing him a service by keeping it inside, but ultimately you are robbing both of you at a chance for real intimacy.
I say this as a person that is about 72 hours into a hurricane of my own creation. It is better here, where truth matters, than it is staring at the storm front.
I know I am in the minority but I also say don't tell him. Just move on with your life. Perhaps it made you realize what you already have. Do you know what made you do it to begin with? I think since you did it there is some issue that needs to be worked on. I just think you should leave this detail out and move forward. In spite of what most say on this forum it can be done..
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Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted. 
