I'm going to share what happened, in hopes that you can all help me figure out why I decided to act selfishly and throw away the best relationship I have ever had, also my best friend.
What Happened (short story):
I'm not sure what info is relevant. So here is the short of it.
Was working in a country I hated.
Without your husband. -- Isolation. Need to be especially watchful of oneself as your hubby was not there to c0ckblock.
Met OM on a Thursday at the hospital I was working at.
OM is also a foreigner.
Felt instant spark for OM, even though I couldn't point to why
Danger flag. No problem this happens to all of us. You should have boundaries for this. This was not a man to be alone with or to be drinking heavily around
Had lunch with OM and get-to-know-you-banter
You had a lunch date with a guy you felt attracted to. Your husband is thousands of miles away. This may be usual behavior for you. I suggest you make a better boundary around this.
OM goes to local metropolis on weekends to visit GF
OM did not visit GF that weekend.
Right, he knew he had a shot at you. He could see your interest in him.
I am not in town that weekend.
Monday was my 30th birthday.
Some folks find 30 a challenge. They get lonely. Too bad your hubby was not there.
What a perfect opportunity for this guy to ruin a marriage.
Towards the end of the night we kiss. I played it off as just a drunk thing, not a big deal.
WTF!? You had another date with this guy? This time an intimate evening. You decided it was safe to drink heavily with him? Another bad choice indeed. PUA only works on those with inadequate boundaries. This was probably in unfaithful territoy before the kiss but definitely after. Alcohol is not an excuse. You do not go out on a date with a person you are attracted too and drink heavily and then blame actions on drinking. I have no doubt this was a romantic interlude for you. A kiss is very intimate. From what I have read on this there are indeed wives who feel that kissing is ok. No big deal. They allow themselves this and do not consider it cheating. He knew he had the green light. This kissed sealed the deal and the reast was just playing out the seduction. You should notnhave been in this situation but you had a chance to stop at this fling.
Tuesday, I avoided him till the evening. He accompanied me on a walk and we just talk.
Wow, you should have just told him you were wrong and that for the rest of your trip you could not see him again. But the walk deepend the connection with you. These are a series of choices, of boundaries stripped away. Yes this is PUA, but you chose to continue along.
Wednesday he invites me over for dinner. I go over.
HUH!? You go on a third date with this guy who you shared a kiss with? You go to his place? The kiss was cheating to me. But to go to a mans home / apartment even if nothing happens is unfaithful to me. Would your husband be ok with this? This guy knew he had you because he saw you were already willing to betray your husband. This was just another sequence of Isolation / Escalation. You were a willing partner in this seduction. This was choice after choice and you couldn have stopped if you wanted to.
Everything is fine and platonic seeming till he gives me a present.
There was nothing platonic about this relationship at this point. Of course he gave you a gift. Duh!
I am shocked and skeptical of the gift but gave him a hug. He continued to hold me and then we were kissing again.
OMG, the gift did what it was supposed to do. Provide a reason for affection that could be moved onto getting you to bed.
When he tried to remove some of my clothing, I left.
At last. A boundary!!!!!
He followed me and I told him that what we were doing was wrong. And why he wasn't feeling guilty or that anything was wrong with this. His response was that this felt different to him and that it felt good, and what's wrong with doing something that felt good.
So him explaining that he was a real sleaze and was using you to feel good. Sweet! But he spun it that this was different. That is way important in seducing a woman. This is classic romance novel, fling in a foreign country with a handsoem stranger. You know ... female porn. The seduction continues with. The dance. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
Thursday, a group of us goes out to a club. I drink way too much.
Well at least a group and not a lone date. Gee whiz you party a lot on these trips. You go to a club. Wow, you know this pales in what you have been doing but this is risky on its own. One drinks a lot and dances closely with strangers on holiday many whom want some strange. Then you drink too much!! Hokey smokes!!
OM and I get separated from group and he tells me I'm the perfect girl. He recounts in detail our first meeting. But I tell him I can't do anything about this and that he doesn't know anything about me.
So you get isolated again! Sigh. But really you allowed this. he probably had someone helping along. A wingman.
It's my turn to get sick. I puke. I hear OM and 2 of his friends arguing over what to do with me. They take me back to OM's. I have blacked out at this point.
What were they arguing about? Who got to have you? Whether it was right to bring you back to his place? You blacked out. OMG ... WTH. More bad choices.
Friday morning, I wake up in OM's bed. I flip out but calm down once I realize that I haven't been violated or anything like that. OM enters room and tries to comfort me, since I feel terrible physically and emotionally for being there, even though nothing happened. And I wish at this point I could recall why or how it began but I can't. We had sex.
There you go. You were ripe for the taking. He is a sleaze though you think he is a great guy. he found a lonely married woman on a trip and just had to add her to his belt of easy conquests. You donlt regret this fling. I am sure you had a blast. This is many women's fantasy fling. Many husbands nightmare. But women are intellligent and can make theior own choices. Does your hsuband trust you completely? I guess he would. Why not. No reason not to. All people are capable of making the wrong choice but this was a long series of bad choices becauase there were no real boundaries in place. If their were then it was one conscious bad choice after another.
I couldn't tell if it was from being hungover or from what I did but I felt extremely nauseous.
Dang, hopefully not morning sickness. You should have felt a little sick from the guilt anyway. I suppose that is better than an afterglow of love for the OM.
OM was going to visit his GF that afternoon. He suggested that me and another US colleague (female) stay at his apt, since it was significantly nicer than our current lodging. He assured me that he was not going to be around that afternoon when we dropped off our luggage.
Wow. How nice of him to keep you on ice while he went to bang his GF. Maybe he was hoping for a threesome when he got back.
Friday afternoon he is still there. He is on the phone and shut in his room, so my colleague and I hang out with one of his friends that is there and then we leave.
Friday evening I return to his place with more of my colleagues.
You go back to his place again. I have lost count. He has you on a string now.
We enter the apt and he is there on the couch, looking sad, with all the lights off. I am distraught. He insists we should still stay there. I insist we leave and my colleague (unknowing of what's happened) urges me to stay there.
So your colleague wants her married friend to stay with this man in his apartment. Wow.
She's in love with his place. One of his friends drops by and as a group we hang out at his apt. and drink.
He is now sharing the women he has brought to the group.
Slowly my colleagues leave, my new roommate colleague decides to pass out on a nearby couch.
More passing out with men. Amazing. Party on.
I try to move her to the bedroom, so that way the 2 of us can share the bed but she refuses to get up.
He would have liked that as he and maybe a friend would have eventually joined you ... both.
Only OM , his friend, and I are left awake.
6am on Saturday we finally realize that we've stayed up all night talking. His friend leaves. OM and I talk. I realize here that his GF had broken up with him earlier that day. While I am unsure of how much he disclosed, he wasn't answering he calls and she could sense that when he did answer that he was distant. So she dumped him. I told him that he had to get her back or at least realize that whatever he thinks exists between us does not. None of it is real. I talk about how much I love Joe and I can't lose him. And he tells me not to worry because he will go back to his GF and get her back.
He does this stuff. It is not big deal.
He then tells me that he will never forget me and always remember me, that he's never cheated before, and he doesn't know why he did with me, but that his attraction was instant.
He has done this before. He had it all planned out in a PUA fashion. he told you what you wante to hear which was that your were special. You bought it. He had a GF but he was not married like you. Maybe he had a GF. maybe it was just part of the seduction. You know pre-selection.
I just say that this can't happen anymore. He kisses me on the forehead and I think it's done but then he won't let go of me again. My willpower is crumbling, just from a hug. We have sex again. Then I get up and leave.
Holy crapolla!! You are a rock.
OM leaves to get his GF back. I fly home.
OK, that wasn't short at all.
Writing this I realized that as much as I like to think I resisted him, I did continue to hang out with this person. Obviously, I have to establish more clear-cut boundaries. The odd thing for me is that I have always gotten along very well with guys and have a lot of close guy friends without any attraction on my part. If in the past a male friend would proclaim his affection for me beyond the platonic, I would express my loyalty to my husband and that would be the end of it. We'd stay friends. Boundaries had always been respected before. I don't know why this time I didn't even try to enforce them. Why was this the time I let my husband down?
Can I also just say that recounting this is very hard. I feel by just thinking back on it that I am cheating again.