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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-03-2012, 02:45 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Originally Posted by Angel5112 View Post
If someone is so sensitive that they can't handle the opinions of others, maybe they shouldn’t be posting on an anonymous forum meant for that exact purpose.
For the record. I'm not mad or bitter with the exchange of opinions. People are intitled to their opinion. And I can respect that. Perphaps I'm a little jealous because she lives in Florida.
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:56 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Your telling someone to go thru pure He LL. Divorce is painful! You do not understand all of the ramifications
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Par4 - you understand the concept of morality, no? She made a promise, she broke that promise. The consequence if he finds out is possibly divorce. You are saying that she should not tell him because he would choose to leave her. If that would be his reaction, he should know so he can make his own decisions about who he should live with and why.

Not telling, more than the act, is the ultimate act of disrespect and selfishness. She did something terrible and cannot accept the consequences because of how they would affect her life. That is not love and not a marriage anyone would sign on to.

There is a lot of back and forth about opinions versus advice. While opinions may not be wrong or right, they can be moral, immoral, amoral. Your opinion expresses immoral selfishness. It in no way is designed to "protect" the betrayed husband, it is designed to protect the betrayer's comfortable lifestyle. Husbands and wives do not need to be protected from information about their spouses - good or bad. If she had cancer, she should not tell him because of the pain it would cause?
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:56 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

I agree with par4. She should just bury the indiscretion and see if she can conceal it from her husband. If she's good at it, maybe she can pull off a few more PA's before he discovers anything. My ex had me in the dark for over twenty years and I'm certain that I would have preferred to know ALL after the first time so I could dump her and move on.
Of course since I was the sole financial provider, she did all she could to "protect my feelings" and just let me think she was a lo libido wife who only enjoyed fleeting physical contact one or twice a year and if I wanted more, I was a sex addict.
Yeah he really doesn't want to know.
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:14 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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I know I am in the minority but I also say don't tell him. Just move on with your life. Perhaps it made you realize what you already have. Do you know what made you do it to begin with? I think since you did it there is some issue that needs to be worked on. I just think you should leave this detail out and move forward. In spite of what most say on this forum it can be done..
You are in the minority because you have chosen the same path. I am not surprised that you would defend your position.

Further, working on certain issues does not work, because one of you are left in the dark about the issues in a marriage. It is like going to a doctor but not telling them that you use drugs. If all the information is not out on the table, the true issues cannot be addressed, because one person does not know the issues. They are trying to fix something without know what exactly is broken.
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:57 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

And what happens if he asks her one day "Have you ever cheated on me?"
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Old 04-03-2012, 06:20 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

Your marriage officially ended when you chose to cheat. You had no love or respect for your husband when you chose to toss him aside and cheat. Now you are thinking of continuing that way of treating him by letting him continue to be with a wife he thinks he can't trust, when in fact you are not worthy of trust.

If you ever did love him, then find a little bit of that love and tell him, and give him chance to honestly decide if he wants to stay with you. He may, he may not. But it is being respectful to him to let him make his decision knowing the facts.

Right now he is just a fool living a life that is a total and complete lie.

So, do you have any memory of when you once loved him?
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:30 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Taking the chance that he wont find out is best. The hurt would be the same. But once again both you and I are not qualified to give advice, only opinions. And in my opinion you should be very careful
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Are you f'ing kidding me? My wife had an affair. She ended it and came clean on her own. If I had discovered her affair from any other source BUT her I would have divorced her without batting an eyelash. It was only because she was honest and up front with me did I resolve to give her another chance. 20 years later and we are planning to restate our vows. I have every qualification to give advice HAVING LIVED THROUGH IT. Not disclosing a betrayal is the same as betraying the spouse over and over every day from that day forward.
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Old 04-03-2012, 08:55 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

My husband waited a year and half to tell me about his one night stand. You should tell him. It's only getting worse as time goes on. You'd be surprised how much damage it can do. I know all too well....
If you really love him you should care enough to tell him.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:05 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

I've read that it hurts just as much to find out they cheated years ago as it does to find out they cheated last night. Tell him.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:27 PM   #70 (permalink)
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I've read that it hurts just as much to find out they cheated years ago as it does to find out they cheated last night. Tell him.
The number of years does not lessen the pain experienced upon revelation. In actuality, I think it compounds the offense.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:59 PM   #71 (permalink)
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So rather than having her live with her concious, you want her to destroy the world around her? Dumb...
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She already did destroy it. The problem is that her cheated on husband doesn't know the knife has been shoved into his back. Overtime she will rationalize hw she can do it again. She will cheat again, and she will over time get nastier and even less respectful to him. He will be lovng in hell while she is living her cheating life.

She needs to show sne mercy and give her husband the truth so he can know just how much she has betrayed him.

But your advice helps her do nothing right, it only helps her set the stage for more cheating.
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:17 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Your telling someone to go thru pure He LL. Divorce is painful! You do not understand all of the ramifications
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I'm divorced and I can tell you that it is not the end of the world. There is life after it.
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:42 PM   #73 (permalink)
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I think the OP has left the building.

She didn't get enough support for her fling so she is gone. Poor guy will never know his wife is a liar and a cheat. She stole something that belonged to her husband and gave it to some guy overseas. So she is a thief too.
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:50 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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I realize that at this point I don't deserve the husband I have, but I can't lose him. It's true, I wasn't thinking of this at the time of the affair. I think for me (and clearly this is biased) that if my husband cheated on me once (one night stand type of thing) I'd rather not know.
Your actually wrong about the bolded part, it's your H who doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to be cheated on lied to, exposed to STD's and have his health put at risk.

Your worried about loosing him but at this point that's not your choice. You unilaterally went out and made a decision to cheat on your H and put your M at risk. That was your decision to make, now it's your H's turn to choose, he gets to decide if he wants to continue to live with a woman who is not only willing to cheat on him but does not regret it. When you don't regret doing something it means you are not only capable but willing to repeat it. Can you imagine how your H would feel if he not only found out you cheated but you didn't regret "the connection"? How would you feel if it were the other way around?

I myself found out about my exH's ONS three years after the fact and I'll tell you it hurt more that he could look me in the eyes and lie to me for all those years. I felt used. He got to make all the decisions and took my choice away from me. I saw that I lost several years of healing and instead received additional years of pain and deception.

Others are right, overtime you will feel less guilt as you are able to compartmentalize things, and become a better at deception. You should also know that when that happens it is so much easier to have another A.

Somewhere there is a post about a 99 year old man who divorced his wife of 77 years for cheating over 60 years ago. The pain will not fade for your H over time, however, the length of deception will magnify it.

I wish you luck in finding the right path, it's not alway easy to do the right thing, especially after you did the wrong thing.
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:55 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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And please stop with the standard STD and counseling suggestings. People know that, if they are on here they want to talk about their situation not reprimanded
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I hate to say it but not everyone knows about STD and counseling, my exh had a ons and never did either. I went for an STD check on my own after finding out, 3 years after the fact.
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