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Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

66K views 240 replies 57 participants last post by  HurtinginTN 
#1 ·
I recently was went out-of-town and cheated on my husband of 8 years. I am not proud of what I've done, but I can't say that I completely regret the connection I had with the other person. Regardless, I will not be keeping in touch with the other person ( as he is in a relationship as well) and there likely no chance that we will ever run into each other again.

I admit that I am really scared to tell my husband. One part of me feels that I should tell him, but a larger part of me feels that telling him would be more hurtful than helpful to our relationship. I read all these articles and blogs about how marriages are never the same and many times worse-off after one partner admits to cheating, so what is the benefit of telling if I never plan on doing it again?

I am feeling guilty, but wouldn't it be better to be the only person that feels bad than to drag him down with me? I realize the longer I wait to tell, the worse it will be when/if I do.
 
#216 ·
Unrealistic and highly implausible. I am thinking about what I need to change, but that will only be one of them if he requests it...which he probably never would. We both travel.

I am planning to resign from the line of research that sent me overseas. I will probably avoid travel to that part of the world in general unless he is with me, but never travelling alone is not really an option for us.


While I don't have any addiction issues with alcohol, I will offer to give it up, since I clearly make bad decisions when it's around.
 
#217 · (Edited)
If you and your husband get though this I do suggest you both review your choice of lifestyle . For a couple to be intimate and create a lasting marriage there is a need for you to be together and have a couple of hours a day to talk, date , go for walks etc.

You made the right decision to tell your husband what happened , however not knowing the content of mails and text messages he is sending you, I can't see how he is dealing with the news. Perhaps he may need some guidance on how to deal with the situation . Your here on TAM do you know if he is seeking similar advice?
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#222 ·
Trust is a knife. When you got married, he gave you his 'knife' to keep. You recently used that knife to stab him in the back. Now you desperately want him to give you back that knife. Why should he? Let's face it, the only way he's going to allow you to hold that knife again is if his back is not turned to you and that implies you resigning from your job and be with him 24/7 UNTIL he feel safe enough where he is willing to turn his back (you being without him) and you holding the knife. Are you willing to do this for him and your marriage?
 
#223 ·
I'll do whatever I can at this point. I just really miss him. I'm also very scared. I know when I see him Monday he won't be the same person I remember. But it's worse to know that I'm the reason he can't be the same person.

I'm scared that what I try to do won't be enough to keep him hanging on during such a long and painful process. I'm scared about having to watch him go through that process. And, yes, I'm scared about having to live through it with him. I'm not saying that I'd rather not reconcile. It's just starting to hit me.
 
#229 ·
Good. You're starting to feel like any human being would. Let the feeling wash over you. That's a start. Approach the situation as if your husband wants to reconcile. He may or may not want to. He may not want to now but change his mind later. You need to figure out what it is you are going to do with yourself from here on out. You really need to travel less too.
 
#225 ·
Leslie, have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? It sounds to me like your marriage fails on many levels. For instance, Harley says that any healthy marriage needs to include 15 hours a week together. If you both keep careers where you travel extensively, that will never happen. So you arrive at a point where you have to ask yourself, which is more important: THIS job or my marriage?
 
#227 ·
We usually see each other at least 15 hours per week. While there are the occasional longer trips, most are short mid-week to weekenders.

I did start reading some of His Needs, Her Needs. It is helping me try to look at our marriage more objectively. It actually made me feel like I was more of a man than the woman in the relationship. I find that certain needs like financial stability and openness aren't as important to me, but having an activity partner, someone attractive, and having gratifying sex seem to be areas I value.

I have started to feel that the core issue wasn't a lack of fulfillment of any of my relationship needs. I think it's just that I was very unhappy with myself. If anything, my marriage was what was keeping me afloat. I do love my work but not the circumstances under which I practice.
 
#226 ·
Sadly that is the price of betrayal, Leslie.

Please ask Beowulf if it is okay for you to PM Morrigan, his wife. She was you 20 years ago. She may be able to help you and Beowulf may be able to help your husband.

I truly wish you and your husband the best of luck.
 
#230 ·
My husband is the more 'effeminate' in the two of us. He wants the touching, companionship, and romance. I want financial stability, taking care of the house, and respect. We often want what we're not getting; needs change. Just do your best to know his ENs and your LBs and work on them.
 
#232 ·
Leslie, I've a reputation for giving "no nonsense", advice, so I will now put that into practice. You are NOT good marriage material. You have poor boundaries, you have a problem with alcohol, you have no kids, you have issues with your respective roles in the marriage, you have serious integrity issues, and you are unsure about putting in the amount of work necessary for reconciliation. So where does that leave you? In a marriage , with no trust, tainted love, and two people who obviously will be unhappy for years to come. I'm not saying this to berate you, but to show that in my opinion, you should divorce, if your husband wants, and you should NOT try to persuade him otherwise. You need to work on YOUR issues, independent of your marriage issues ,FIRST, and it would be grossly unfair to ask your husband to reconcile with such a person as you are, in hopes that you will gain more insight and maturity in the future. It is ALL about him, and his wants and needs, you have forfeited any right to his forgiveness, for now. Let him go, work on yourself, and BOTH of you will have a brighter future, either together or separate.
 
#234 ·
I am aware that I do need to work on myself. I am currently in touch with an IC and going to start sessions this week. I can't argue that I do have boundary issues and integrity issues as my having an affair is the most poignant illustration of that. I will say that my alcohol consumption escalated the situation, but drunken benders are not the norm for me. Blaming alcohol for my behavior would be ludicrous. But, as I have mentioned before, I will refrain, so that it will be eliminated as a threat.

I do take issue with your comment on how my not having children makes me, "NOT good marriage material". My currently not having children was a decision that both my husband and I formed together with enthusiasm and without resentment. Also, in my line of work, I see many women that have difficulty conceiving children, some can't at all. Can you callously lump them into the same category with me as "NOT good marriage material"?

I also don't see how my finding alignment with what are classified as "his needs" means that I have issues in my respective role. I take huge issue with the term "respective role." I understand that I failed in my current role as wife because I broke the vow to " love, honor, and cherish." But I don't think a wife has to feel financially dependent on her spouse or a constant need for affection to be in a harmonious relationship.

Whether I am "good marriage material" or not (don't worry, I know that I am in no way marriage material par excellence), we are clearly going to have some rough times ahead if he chooses to stay with me. But I'd like to think that if R works for us, we will eventually find love and happiness together versus being "unhappy for years to come".
 
#233 · (Edited)
I do believe a person can turn their life around. They have to be all-in to do it. You cannot respect anyone if you do not respect yourself first. So yes, one has to get themselves together. But they have to make the changes needed.

Consider this your wakeup call. Your one chance. If your husband does not get past this and who could blame him, you should still see this as your one chance to change. Work on yourself and the next time around don't repeat those same selfish choices. There is not reason however for you to give up if your husband is wanting to reconsile. You have already broken his heart. If he offers it back to you, you must not take this lightly. Do not hurt him again. If you cannot make your marriage the #1 priority then indeed let him go to find happiness with someone who can.

Realize you gave yourself to a man of low character who was out for a bit of fun. That is all you were to him. He had no investment in you. No commitment. No concern for your welfare. To be sexually desired by a man like this is nothing to feel good about. Don't romantisize it any longer. See it for what it was. I hope you guys can get past this.
 
#241 ·
Realize you gave yourself to a man of low character who was out for a bit of fun. That is all you were to him. He had no investment in you. No commitment. No concern for your welfare. To be sexually desired by a man like this is nothing to feel good about. Don't romantisize it any longer. See it for what it was. I hope you guys can get past this.
Very well said. That is the point I was trying to get across on my earlier post as well about only 2 reasons to "pick up a lady". I want you to know I wasn't slamming you. I certainly am in no position to judge anyone. I believe it is very important for you to not romanticize the relationship with the OM. You seem to hold him in high regard with some of your earlier posts.
 
#235 ·
You need to tell him what you did is horrible and he will find out one day whether it be in this life or another life. Also you will have to one day come clean about what you did. If you do not tell him it will eat away at you not only that but you cheating show's you do not really love him at all you are incapable of a consummate love with this man and you demonstrated that with your lack of commitment and among other things you exhibited many many character flaws. I think its best if you tell him if you do not you will have a poison that keeps eating away at you it will corrupt your heart further. As it stands i feel you are already deeply corrupted (imo) as you committed a very terrible act and sin (if your religious) and do carry out such an act show's more than just being "angry" or fickle" it shows the willingness and corruption beyond belief.


Long story short you need to TELL HIM. It is not fair what you did you cannot keep this a secret.
 
#238 ·
Leslie, you say giving up your traveling alone isn't something you can give up practically - but tell me what would you be doing if instead of cheating, you had been grabbed off the street and raped? Would you be giving up the traveling then? What if you had been robbed and beaten severely, would give it up then?

I suspect there are many scenarios in which you got hurt in which you would give up the traveling without question. The difference is that you were in control of this situation, where as those others you wouldn't be in control. So you are saying to yourself that it isn't fair that you would have to give up traveling - since you can simply choose not to cheat when you don't want to , because you are in charge.

The problem with that logic, is that it utterly rejects your husbands feelings. He no longer trusts you, because he has proof that he cannot trust you any longer.

When a spouse accepts their SO traveling like you did, it is because they trust them. That trust is gone, and so is the acceptance of you traveling. He will never again be ok with it. never, even if he claims to be. It will affect his mood, his outlook, and it will eat away at him every time you are gone.
 
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