And please stop with the standard STD and counseling suggestings. People know that, if they are on here they want to talk about their situation not reprimanded Posted via Mobile Device
I hate to say it but not everyone knows about STD and counseling, my exh had a ons and never did either. I went for an STD check on my own after finding out, 3 years after the fact.
Anyone and everyone who encourages hiding an affair is selfish beyond words. The cheater already destroyed the marriage, they should at least have the guts to be honest about it and take responsibility for their actions. At the very least, the spouse deserves the chance to make an informed decision about what to do with the situation.
Do you know what the cheater has done to their spouse? They have said that their desire to have sex outside the marriage is worth more to them than their partner's feelings and physical health. In the case of the possibility of passing on deadly diseases like AIDS, the cheater has literally put their sexual desire over the *life*of their partner. Having sex > whether or not their partner dies.
Why would you ever give advice to spare the feelings of the cheater over those of the betrayed spouse? If they cared so much about not causing their partner pain, they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Disgusting.
I definitely appreciate everyone's opinions and advice. And while I don't feel that what I've done is because of a lack of love for my husband, I do understand that I have broken our commitment to each other and ruined what we have.
I just want to clarify a few things about my initial statement.
When I claim that I do not regret the connection I had with the other person, I meant our friendship. The other person is a good person whom I became friends with, I do regret that things became sexual. That has ruined what chance of retaining whatever friendship we had previously established.
I am going to tell my husband but I have a couple of questions.
1. Should I wait till I get my test results before I talk to him?
(Obviously, we would abstain from sex till then.)
2. I'm still very upset every time I think about talking to him. I read that it's unfair to be emotional when telling your spouse. You are supposed to be more stoic. How do I do this?
3. Full disclosure: OM's girlfriend suspected something was up (they live in separate cities), broke up with OM, but OM made up with her. I have no details of how that ordeal went. Is it inappropriate for me to contact OM and ask about his confrontation? Though we have not had contact since the incident, I do have his contact info since we worked together. And we did part on amicable terms.
4. I am also hearing that I need to discuss what underlying issues we may have. What if I don't think we have nay aside from my infidelity?
5. Do MC's actual work? I'm pretty skeptical. Should I just get individual therapy instead?
I definitely appreciate everyone's opinions and advice. And while I don't feel that what I've done is because of a lack of love for my husband, I do understand that I have broken our commitment to each other and ruined what we have.
I just want to clarify a few things about my initial statement.
When I claim that I do not regret the connection I had with the other person, I meant our friendship. The other person is a good person whom I became friends with, I do regret that things became sexual. That has ruined what chance of retaining whatever friendship we had previously established.
I am going to tell my husband but I have a couple of questions.
1. Should I wait till I get my test results before I talk to him?
(Obviously, we would abstain from sex till then.)
2. I'm still very upset every time I think about talking to him. I read that it's unfair to be emotional when telling your spouse. You are supposed to be more stoic. How do I do this?
3. Full disclosure: OM's girlfriend suspected something was up (they live in separate cities), broke up with OM, but OM made up with her. I have no details of how that ordeal went. Is it inappropriate for me to contact OM and ask about his confrontation? Though we have not had contact since the incident, I do have his contact info since we worked together. And we did part on amicable terms.
4. I am also hearing that I need to discuss what underlying issues we may have. What if I don't think we have nay aside from my infidelity?
5. Do MC's actual work? I'm pretty skeptical. Should I just get individual therapy instead?
First of all, thank you for coming back and continuing to receive counsel.
1. Good. What test results? STD?
2. That's a good thing too. You should be upset. He will be more upset but that's the decision you made.
3. NO NO NO! Do not contact the OM! NO CONTACT EVER. You have to get rid of these feelings for him.
4. You do have underlying issues or you would not have cheated on him. There is something broken in you and you need help finding it because you don't think it's there. Normal people do not cheat on their spouses.
5. I'd suggest MC and IT. You may not like what they dig up.
Your husband will be very upset and angry once he gets over the initial shock. Get used to it. If you think there is any chance he may become violent make sure you have safe place to escape to; a friend's house, a women's shelter, whatever. This cheating is like an abscess in your marriage, it's going to hurt like hell to treat it but it has to be done before the healing can begin.
I don't agree with number two. You SHOULD be emotional about it. It would show that you are ashamed and remorseful. NOT being emotional just shows that you're flipant about the whole thing.
I definitely appreciate everyone's opinions and advice. And while I don't feel that what I've done is because of a lack of love for my husband, I do understand that I have broken our commitment to each other and ruined what we have.
I just want to clarify a few things about my initial statement.
When I claim that I do not regret the connection I had with the other person, I meant our friendship. The other person is a good person whom I became friends with, I do regret that things became sexual. That has ruined what chance of retaining whatever friendship we had previously established.
I am going to tell my husband but I have a couple of questions.
1. Should I wait till I get my test results before I talk to him?
(Obviously, we would abstain from sex till then.)
2. I'm still very upset every time I think about talking to him. I read that it's unfair to be emotional when telling your spouse. You are supposed to be more stoic. How do I do this?
3. Full disclosure: OM's girlfriend suspected something was up (they live in separate cities), broke up with OM, but OM made up with her. I have no details of how that ordeal went. Is it inappropriate for me to contact OM and ask about his confrontation? Though we have not had contact since the incident, I do have his contact info since we worked together. And we did part on amicable terms.
4. I am also hearing that I need to discuss what underlying issues we may have. What if I don't think we have nay aside from my infidelity?
5. Do MC's actual work? I'm pretty skeptical. Should I just get individual therapy instead?
Good for you Leslie.
I cannot really help with your questions, other than to say you should do what is right and not pretend to be something you aren't (e.g., stoic).
I don't agree with number two. You SHOULD be emotional about it. It would show that you are ashamed and remorseful. NOT being emotional just shows that you're flipant about the whole thing.
Agreed. No emotion would be even more hurtful IMO.
Showing remorse and badly because you have hurt someone is all good. No emotion no matter what the words say, is cold, matter of fact and uncaring. It does not deliver the right message.
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I am going to tell my husband but I have a couple of questions.
1. Should I wait till I get my test results before I talk to him?
(Obviously, we would abstain from sex till then.)
3. Full disclosure: OM's girlfriend suspected something was up (they live in separate cities), broke up with OM, but OM made up with her. I have no details of how that ordeal went. Is it inappropriate for me to contact OM and ask about his confrontation? Though we have not had contact since the incident, I do have his contact info since we worked together. And we did part on amicable terms.
4. I am also hearing that I need to discuss what underlying issues we may have. What if I don't think we have nay aside from my infidelity?
5. Do MC's actual work? I'm pretty skeptical. Should I just get individual therapy instead?
I don't know if this helps but my wife had the same problem as you. She didn't feel she could just come out and say what was going on but... she could tell me we "needed" couples therapy. This drew things out but I think (Just my opinion) when you tell him this it will be very useful to have someone else present who is educated on this and can hopefully make educated suggestions. Having a 3rd person present may help to cool things off if they get out of control.
Your "Friend" (Ok, this term triggers me) may have ruined your marriage. He has at least changed it so it won't be the same again. This is not my idea of a friend. You have to contact him once to cut things off.
If you bump into him I urge you to tell your husband so he doesn't find out and assume your sneaking around.
Individual therapy was suggested for both of us while we have been doing couples therapy. I also had a talk with my doctor about some meds to help me with depression etc...
When he finds out I think you would do well to have the resource of a trained expert on hand for a variety of reasons.
STD tests... If your going to come clean and tell him everything he will have tests done pretty soon one way or the other.
Do this as fast as you can. One of the hardest issues with us has been how long its taken to get this out in the open.
Overall, I have found this forum to be very helpful. I've learned a lot about how my actions and non-action can effect others. I've also, and unfortunately, learned that a lot of people out there are pretty cruel when it comes to people asking for help.
I came here to ask for help, not looking approval for my transgression. I didn't need people to accuse me of using my husband for security or being a career woman or claiming that I don't love him at all.
I don't understand where people get off on just telling people that they are terrible human beings. I needed this forum to gather resolve, not to be retold that what I've done is wrong.
And while cheating isn't to be condoned, it's not abnormal. It's unfortunately a very common issue, why else would there be an entire forum on infidelity!
You feel attacked because most of us are betrayed spouses. We are the walking wounded, and we tend to lash out in anger.
You do need counseling. I believe you love your husband, but what I see is your main problem is a lack of personal boundaries. You allowed this friend to get too close, and because you had no boundaries set up, the affair built up like a snowball rolling down the hill. Once it started you could not stop it.
Please do not leave the board. Keep talking to us and we can give you alot of positive feedback too. It sounds to me like you feel guilty for what you did. Now you have to translate that into true remorse.
Remorse happens when you see what your actions have done to your husband when you tell him. You need to make him know that you understand the hurt you have caused him and that you will do anything to fix what you have done.
You need to tell him EVERYTHING, every detail about the affair (how many times, where, when, did you enjoy it, was he better than me in bed?, and on and on). Be prepared to answer everything. Not doing so is trickle truthing and that is worse than lying.
I think you should also resign from your job if it is going to bring you into contact with this man again.
I would suggest that you write everything you wish to say to your husband in a letter. Give the letter to your husband and sit with him while he reads it and have him not say anything until he finishes completely when you have written. I comment you for being honest. It is the right thing to do. Good luck.
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Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted. 
