I'm still here.
I definitely appreciate everyone's opinions and advice. And while I don't feel that what I've done is because of a lack of love for my husband, I do understand that I have broken our commitment to each other and ruined what we have.
I just want to clarify a few things about my initial statement.
When I claim that I do not regret the connection I had with the other person, I meant our friendship. The other person is a good person whom I became friends with, I do regret that things became sexual. That has ruined what chance of retaining whatever friendship we had previously established.
I am going to tell my husband but I have a couple of questions.
1. Should I wait till I get my test results before I talk to him?
(Obviously, we would abstain from sex till then.)
2. I'm still very upset every time I think about talking to him. I read that it's unfair to be emotional when telling your spouse. You are supposed to be more stoic. How do I do this?
3. Full disclosure: OM's girlfriend suspected something was up (they live in separate cities), broke up with OM, but OM made up with her. I have no details of how that ordeal went. Is it inappropriate for me to contact OM and ask about his confrontation? Though we have not had contact since the incident, I do have his contact info since we worked together. And we did part on amicable terms.
4. I am also hearing that I need to discuss what underlying issues we may have. What if I don't think we have nay aside from my infidelity?
5. Do MC's actual work? I'm pretty skeptical. Should I just get individual therapy instead?
1. No. There is no need to wait. It's like trying to wait for the right time, it will never come. Just do it.
2. What you need to be is committed to telling him all of the truth in one horrible conversation. Trust me - I know from experience - it's hard to do this if you're emotional. You will really have to prepare yourself to keep pounding him with the truth when he is an absolute wreck and all he wants is for it to stop. DO NOT STOP UNTIL IT IS ALL OUT THERE!! If you take any one piece of advice take this one. Why? This is a one shot deal. If you don't get all the truth out the very first time you're trickle truthing him which is just horrible and it will be harder on both of you to go back later.
3. Yes it is inappropriate. No contact is no contact. His relationship is not your concern, you have enough to worry about with your own marriage. Close that door and throw away the key - period the end.
4. I thought this to. It took the people here on TAM to educate me. Not only are there issues in your marriage (you not getting all of your needs met), but there is an also something you need to address with you. Something sent you outside the marriage to get those needs met - you need to find it in yourself and deal with it. Again, trust me - it's there.
5. I have no personal experience so can't give an opinion.
What you need to accept is that the marriage you had is over. The marriage in front of you can be better, worse or over - it's up to you and your H. How your husband feels about reconciliation will be largely influenced by how honest you are and how you treat him during and after D Day. It can be done. My wife and I have a better marriage now, 18 months after D day, than we did before. It's hard, but it can be done.