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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-04-2012, 01:42 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Originally Posted by LeslieH View Post
Overall, I have found this forum to be very helpful. I've learned a lot about how my actions and non-action can effect others. I've also, and unfortunately, learned that a lot of people out there are pretty cruel when it comes to people asking for help.

I came here to ask for help, not looking approval for my transgression. I didn't need people to accuse me of using my husband for security or being a career woman or claiming that I don't love him at all.

I don't understand where people get off on just telling people that they are terrible human beings. I needed this forum to gather resolve, not to be retold that what I've done is wrong.

And while cheating isn't to be condoned, it's not abnormal. It's unfortunately a very common issue, why else would there be an entire forum on infidelity!
I am not a BS. I had an EA. I was wrong.

This forum is a buffet. That is it's strong point. You get many opinions. Sometimes people do attack. However, I suggest you also view this as tough love from a good many folks. Some others are an example of the pain that unfaithfulness brings. Understanding what our betrayal has done to others is cathartic and part of the process to recovery. You were wrong in what you did. There is no justification to an affair. Your affair is on you. If you can accept this then you have a chance to recover. If you intend to use this to blame shift to your husband then good luck with that. I am not saying you are or are not doing this. Only you truly know when you are completely over your affair by going NC.

Cancer is a common issue. Hunger is a common issue. Abuse is a common issue. I do see these as abnormal in a healthy sense. So as with cheating. Cheating is all too common. It is an abnormalty in a healthy relationship. It is very much a cancer. My point is while it is common, it is a very big deal. Your husband is going to feel extremely violated. But it is best to let him know.

I have a wonderful relationship with my wife. My EA was about 15 years ago. It will take both of you to make this work. If you were adult enough to share yourself with another man you are adult enough to deal with the results. I sincerely hope you are able to get this turned around and can recover with your husband.

Good people can make bad choices. Good people however deal with the consequences and take steps to not make the same choices again.

Frist you need to do what it takes to reconsile with your husband. Down the road is the time for you to soul search and forgive yourself. You will need that to be the best wife to your husband. I went through levels of forgiving myself. I did not want to let myself off the hook so easily. That helps with accountability. Being accountable is uncommon these days. It took a very long time for me to truly forgive myself. I did not realize I was holding onto it. But as I say there is time for that later. Ideally your husband will be the one who says to let it go. It was many years for me.

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Old 04-04-2012, 02:20 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Originally Posted by LeslieH View Post
Overall, I have found this forum to be very helpful. I've learned a lot about how my actions and non-action can effect others. I've also, and unfortunately, learned that a lot of people out there are pretty cruel when it comes to people asking for help.

I came here to ask for help, not looking approval for my transgression. I didn't need people to accuse me of using my husband for security or being a career woman or claiming that I don't love him at all.

I don't understand where people get off on just telling people that they are terrible human beings. I needed this forum to gather resolve, not to be retold that what I've done is wrong.

And while cheating isn't to be condoned, it's not abnormal. It's unfortunately a very common issue, why else would there be an entire forum on infidelity!
Excuse me Leslie, I guess you were looking for dispassionate advice regarding your cheating. Allow me to acquaint you with this board. It is absolutely chocked full of people (and the remains of people) who have lived through what you did to your spouse. They are not marriage counselors. They are emotional road kill. I think you should hold back judgement on them until you look in the face of your husband when you tell him. The betrayed people who come on here are trying to cope with what their spouses did to them. They volunteer their experiences and can be harsh with cheaters such as yourself. You have no idea how they feel because you were not cheated on. When you said, "I can't say that I completely regret the connection I had with the other person", you basically opened a can of wup a$$ on yourself. So go tell your husband what you did, and my advice to you, is to be a mascara and snot running mess.

Oh, you said that you read a lot of the forums here. Did you happen to read the ones where the husband and wives tried to get over it for a couple of years and then committed suicide? So as mistreated as you feel, try to imagine that the person that you loved body soul (if you love anyone body and soul) did this to you, and it effected you so acutely that death is preferable to the pain. After doing that, then come back here and complain about the treatment you receive. WTFU!
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Old 04-04-2012, 03:27 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeslieH View Post
Overall, I have found this forum to be very helpful. I've learned a lot about how my actions and non-action can effect others. I've also, and unfortunately, learned that a lot of people out there are pretty cruel when it comes to people asking for help.

I came here to ask for help, not looking approval for my transgression. I didn't need people to accuse me of using my husband for security or being a career woman or claiming that I don't love him at all.

I don't understand where people get off on just telling people that they are terrible human beings. I needed this forum to gather resolve, not to be retold that what I've done is wrong.

And while cheating isn't to be condoned, it's not abnormal. It's unfortunately a very common issue, why else would there be an entire forum on infidelity!
Sorry but cheating IS abnormal.
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Old 04-04-2012, 04:01 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Originally Posted by LeslieH View Post
I'm still here.

I definitely appreciate everyone's opinions and advice. And while I don't feel that what I've done is because of a lack of love for my husband, I do understand that I have broken our commitment to each other and ruined what we have.

I just want to clarify a few things about my initial statement.

When I claim that I do not regret the connection I had with the other person, I meant our friendship. The other person is a good person whom I became friends with, I do regret that things became sexual. That has ruined what chance of retaining whatever friendship we had previously established.

I am going to tell my husband but I have a couple of questions.
1. Should I wait till I get my test results before I talk to him?
(Obviously, we would abstain from sex till then.)

2. I'm still very upset every time I think about talking to him. I read that it's unfair to be emotional when telling your spouse. You are supposed to be more stoic. How do I do this?

3. Full disclosure: OM's girlfriend suspected something was up (they live in separate cities), broke up with OM, but OM made up with her. I have no details of how that ordeal went. Is it inappropriate for me to contact OM and ask about his confrontation? Though we have not had contact since the incident, I do have his contact info since we worked together. And we did part on amicable terms.

4. I am also hearing that I need to discuss what underlying issues we may have. What if I don't think we have nay aside from my infidelity?

5. Do MC's actual work? I'm pretty skeptical. Should I just get individual therapy instead?
1. No. There is no need to wait. It's like trying to wait for the right time, it will never come. Just do it.

2. What you need to be is committed to telling him all of the truth in one horrible conversation. Trust me - I know from experience - it's hard to do this if you're emotional. You will really have to prepare yourself to keep pounding him with the truth when he is an absolute wreck and all he wants is for it to stop. DO NOT STOP UNTIL IT IS ALL OUT THERE!! If you take any one piece of advice take this one. Why? This is a one shot deal. If you don't get all the truth out the very first time you're trickle truthing him which is just horrible and it will be harder on both of you to go back later.

3. Yes it is inappropriate. No contact is no contact. His relationship is not your concern, you have enough to worry about with your own marriage. Close that door and throw away the key - period the end.

4. I thought this to. It took the people here on TAM to educate me. Not only are there issues in your marriage (you not getting all of your needs met), but there is an also something you need to address with you. Something sent you outside the marriage to get those needs met - you need to find it in yourself and deal with it. Again, trust me - it's there.

5. I have no personal experience so can't give an opinion.

What you need to accept is that the marriage you had is over. The marriage in front of you can be better, worse or over - it's up to you and your H. How your husband feels about reconciliation will be largely influenced by how honest you are and how you treat him during and after D Day. It can be done. My wife and I have a better marriage now, 18 months after D day, than we did before. It's hard, but it can be done.
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:24 PM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

I told him.
He didn't ask me any questions. Just cursed and left. I left too, to give him his space. I left him a note and he texted me that he doesn't want to see me for a couple of days.
Am heartbroken, but can't complain, this is what was coming to me.

Should I call and text and email or wait for him to contact me? Should I send him flowers? Is there anything I can do at this point?
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:33 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

Flowers????? Tell you what, why don't you sit down and journal what you are feeling. And your thoughts. Leave him alone, text him once in the morning to let him know your whereabouts and then in the evening once. Let him know that no response is necessary, and that you just wanted to check in. Give him access to all your e-mail accounts, and passwords. Do you have kids?
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:00 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

No kids. Why are email passwords necessary? If he asks for it I will give them to him, but what good will offering them up do? Even when our relationship was good, we never exchanged email passwords. We have a shared bank account but we don't even share our separate pins.

And I'm sorry, but I've never cheated on someone before! I don't know how to go about trying to reconcile. I will call him in the morning, to be honest I've never liked the whole text thing. It avoids confrontation. But sincerely, thank you for your assistance, I will give hims pace till the morning.
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:16 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

Give him space. Let him contact you.

Where are you? With friends, family? Have you let him know where you are staying? If you haven't you need to or else he'll think you're with the other man. His mind is racing a million miles an hour right now trying to cope with the atom bomb you just dropped on him.

Just be accessible and ready to come to him when he needs you. You'll probably want to take some time off work. You are in for one hell of a toboggan ride.

He may cry and fall apart. At that moment he will be more unattractive to you than you have ever seen him. Just hold him and reassure him that you are there. The next few weeks may be a nightmare as he "triggers" with the thoughts of you having sex with the other man. You are going to say "I'm sorry" over a million times. Get used to those two words, because you will be saying them alot. Might as well have a tattoo of those two words inscribed on your chest.

Men are visual thinkers, and right now there is a XXX porno playing over and over in your husband's head of you doing the nastiest sexual things to the other guy that a man can imagine, even if no such things really did happen. But this is what he will see with his waking eyes, over... and over... and over.

I don't envy you the coming months.
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:22 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Originally Posted by LeslieH View Post
No kids. Why are email passwords necessary? If he asks for it I will give them to him, but what good will offering them up do? Even when our relationship was good, we never exchanged email passwords. We have a shared bank account but we don't even share our separate pins.
Transparency, that's why.

All good, healthy marriages are made of transparency, openness and honesty. Maybe if your marriage had had more transparency, you would not be in the fix you are now.

Quote:
And I'm sorry, but I've never cheated on someone before! I don't know how to go about trying to reconcile. I will call him in the morning, to be honest I've never liked the whole text thing. It avoids confrontation. But sincerely, thank you for your assistance, I will give hims pace till the morning
You only have to steal once to be a thief. Same with adultery.

Like it or not you have been branded with the scarlet letter. Its a permanent scar that will never fade. Accept what you did, take ownership of it, and drop the defensiveness. You can not afford to be defensive now. Your marriage is on the line, and its up to you to do the heavy lifting and take the lashes to repair it.

Get in touch with a marriage counselor tomorrow and set up an intake for you and your husband. Be proactive and start working to show your husband you want to make things right.
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:33 PM   #100 (permalink)
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Show him this thread.
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:56 PM   #101 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

Tell him you love him. Tell him you are giving him space and that you will check in with him daily.

Let him know when he is ready to talk you will be there for him.

He needs to process what you have told him.

Again, Just let him know you will be there when he is ready to see you. His emotions will be all over the place.

I am glad you told him. If you really love him then hang on tight when he is ready.
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Old 04-05-2012, 03:16 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

I didn't read this whole thread but I am screaming inside. This sounds fairly similar to what my wife did, only I found out about it on my own. The lies started and continued until I finally said enough is enough sometime last week. No chance to reconcile by withholding or not telling the truth. It's going to hurt like hell either way he finds out. In my opinion it will be worse the longer you wait or if he finds out on his own.

You obviously didn't respect your husband or marriage vows enough not to do this regardless of your marriage circumstances.

Selfish. Your marriage as you know it is over. Accept that fact and be ready for whatever he decides is best for him.

Edit-just read you told him. Hang on, the roller coaster is about to go full speed ahead.
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Old 04-05-2012, 04:05 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

You did the right thing in telling him. Your husband has a lot of questions right now. His imagination is running wild. He feels rejected, hurt and betrayed and doesn't know if he trusts you or can ever trust you again. He may be getting advice from friends, and the advice can be as brutal as some of the comments you've read here. When I found out, all but one person told me to leave her. That one person said, "do you love her? "what do you want", and then told me stories of couples she knew (and i knew) who had gone through the same thing and recovered. I was shocked. All of those couples seemed to me to have strong and happy marriages. The woman who gave the advice was my mother.

I've seen several suggestions, and I'll just pass them on without making a recommendation. One is for the WS to take a polygraph addressing if this was the only time, if you are committed to the marriage, if you love him. Don't tell him you are getting one and don't wait for him to request it. Just do it. If you fail, I wouldn't pass that along. If you pass, I'd send that along as a gift in lieu of flowers. Another suggestion I've seen is a fishbowl. The bowl is filled with any and every question he has. You answer each and every question honestly. If there are a lot of questions, you can spread out the process over time.
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Old 04-05-2012, 06:52 AM   #104 (permalink)
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Can anyone quickly locate that post that Lordmayhem makes with advice for waywards on how to treat their betrayed spouse?
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Old 04-05-2012, 06:57 AM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

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Can anyone quickly locate that post that Lordmayhem makes with advice for waywards on how to treat their betrayed spouse?
it's in the newbie thread

click my newbie link in my signature
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