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Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted.

66K views 240 replies 57 participants last post by  HurtinginTN 
#1 ·
I recently was went out-of-town and cheated on my husband of 8 years. I am not proud of what I've done, but I can't say that I completely regret the connection I had with the other person. Regardless, I will not be keeping in touch with the other person ( as he is in a relationship as well) and there likely no chance that we will ever run into each other again.

I admit that I am really scared to tell my husband. One part of me feels that I should tell him, but a larger part of me feels that telling him would be more hurtful than helpful to our relationship. I read all these articles and blogs about how marriages are never the same and many times worse-off after one partner admits to cheating, so what is the benefit of telling if I never plan on doing it again?

I am feeling guilty, but wouldn't it be better to be the only person that feels bad than to drag him down with me? I realize the longer I wait to tell, the worse it will be when/if I do.
 
#2 ·
What you did is going to hurt the marriage already. Even if he never finds out. You know. That is enough to cause the harm.

The fact that you do not truly regret the connection speaks volumns. You do realize it was a choice you made and that is good. What keeps you from continuing to make such a choice in the future?

You probably feel that he will never find out. maybe he will or maybe he won't. But his marriage took a huge hit and he does not know about it.

What were the circumstances? So you are foever in NC with this guy. You will never be incontact with him again? I did see that you said you would not keep in touch. But how did you come to be together in the first place?
 
#3 ·
Here's part of why you need to tell him.....

so what is the benefit of telling if I never plan on doing it again?
Were you planning on doing it this first(??) time??

I'm betting no. So what's going to be different the next time? Answer: unless you do something - nothing.


I am feeling guilty, but wouldn't it be better to be the only person that feels bad than to drag him down with me? I realize the longer I wait to tell, the worse it will be when/if I do.
You say you feel guilty but you don't sound truly remorseful. Look. If you love and respect your husband you know he is entitled to the truth - win, lose or draw. The decision not to tell him is a selfish one, one made because you're scared. You're only justifying that decision with the question above.

You're right, every moment you keep the secret the worse it will be.
 
#5 ·
I read all these articles and blogs about how marriages are never the same and many times worse-off after one partner admits to cheating
Did you read these articles before or after you cheated?

The damage is done. Whether you admit to it or not. Unless you have no conscience at all, you marriage will never be the same.
 
#6 ·
Part of me want to tell you not to tell b/c i wish I would have never found out.

Put thats the thing here they always find out.....years from now it will come out of your mouth in a fit of anger, the Om confess and the OMW calls your H,or the guilt will be eating at you for so long that you can't stand it!

At the end of the day they will find out, one way or another it will come out.


Keep doing your research and you will find there to be one constant in everyones story and that is it will come out some how.

I suggest you tell your H the issues you have with boundries and will do the work to fix your self, it will then be his choice to keep you around.
 
#7 ·
The fact that you don't feel bad and are just kinda worried about consequences and justifying keeping it to yourself by rationalizing that it's the noble thing to do makes it likely that you'll do it again.

Not telling him allows you to pretend it never happened. If you did it and got away with it, what's to stop you? It's the easy way. Not telling your H is also the easy way. It's also the immature and cowardly thing to do.

Don't be foolish enough to think that "what he doesn't know won't hurt him"; HIV isn't visible, but it will kill you in the end. Go get STD tested, by the way b/c you've put your H at risk for a lot of things without his consent.

Whether or not you do tell him, you need to figure out why you did it. And, you should take this as a sign that your marriage is in trouble and that the two of you need to work on it.
 
#9 ·
I recently was went out-of-town and cheated on my husband of 8 years. I am not proud of what I've done, but I can't say that I completely regret the connection I had with the other person. Regardless, I will not be keeping in touch with the other person ( as he is in a relationship as well) and there likely no chance that we will ever run into each other again.

I admit that I am really scared to tell my husband. One part of me feels that I should tell him, but a larger part of me feels that telling him would be more hurtful than helpful to our relationship. I read all these articles and blogs about how marriages are never the same and many times worse-off after one partner admits to cheating, so what is the benefit of telling if I never plan on doing it again?

I am feeling guilty, but wouldn't it be better to be the only person that feels bad than to drag him down with me? I realize the longer I wait to tell, the worse it will be when/if I do.
Why are you never planning on doing it again? You admit that you don't completely regret cheating. Your husband is clueless, so what is to stop you from trying it again the next time you feel a connection?

It is easy to be remorseful when you get caught. Real remorse and regret is shown when it comes even when you could get away with it.

If you love your husband, give him the respect he deserves and tell him. If you are really remorseful, admit what you did. Go to counseling and figure out why you would do this to the man that you love (though you don't actually talk about loving your husband, I will assume that you do).
 
#10 ·
@entropy: I met him on a business trip in a foreign country.

@sadsamiam: no, after

I realize that at this point I don't deserve the husband I have, but I can't lose him. It's true, I clearly wasn't thinking of this at the time of the affair. I think for me (and clearly this is biased) that if my husband cheated on me once (one night stand type of thing) I'd rather not know.
 
#13 ·
I realize that at this point I don't deserve the husband I have, but I can't lose him. .

Actually, you CAN lose him. And my question is: why do you say you "can't" lose him? You already know you f-cked up. The reason you don't want to tell is because of selfish reasons (to keep him in the dark, for your benefit).

I think for me (and clearly this is biased) that if my husband cheated on me once (one night stand type of thing) I'd rather not know.
Which is ironic since it fits into justify why you won't tell him ("Well, I wouldn't want to know, so...").

Anyway, all up to you in the end. Just be advised that guilt is a mothertrucker.

I the OM living abroad? Or do you know him from back home? Work with him often? Do you know his wife? Does he know your husband? How did you meet?



 
#12 ·
If you got away with it once you eventually will try it again.

Your best protection is an informed husband.

Look, he may dump you as fast as he can for what you did. But maybe not.

You have ZERO chance of a decent marriage without truth and respect and remorse and repair.

But I suppose if you keep your lie to yourself you have a chance to play house and keep your options open for more cheating.

Win-win? NOT!
 
#16 ·
Leslie, I won't presume to tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. My wife never told me; I found out accidentally. It nearly destroyed me. But I fought my way back, on my own. We've never even discussed it directly, but she knows that I know. She is the picture of the remorseful, transparent wife. And we both live with knowing that I will never fully trust her again. Sometimes I wish that she could find a way to tell me, both for her healing and my own.
 
#19 ·
Why bother to continue to post? Lets be honest. You're NOT going to tell your husband that you screwed some other guy and that you enjoyed the experience. You're going to continue to live with this, rug sweep it as best that you can and pat yourself on the back for getting away with it!

Your just on here to get it off your chest and tell SOMEONE about it. To try and ease any guilt you may have over this experience. So, in essence...your using us to unload on.
 
#24 ·
Most of us here have been hurt by folks like you, a cheater. It is hard to know what to say, because we found out. I can't say whether it is better to have to use a GPS, phone, etc to find out like I did or have my WS confess. I will say this. My wife lied and lied and lied, even when caught and that dear, made it and makes it even more difficult.

Perhaps in the long run it would have been easier if my wife would have told me, then told me the entire truth, because I am still checking on what she has told me and it has been months, because of all the lies.

Tell him and when you do, tell him all the details, and then anwer all his questions without hesitation.
 
#25 ·
The screwing up isn't the horrible part. The lying is the horrible part. You made a mistake? Big deal. Hiding it makes it worse. But....you don't really care, do you?
 
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#26 ·
Leslie, I had this same dilema on Friday of last week. I spent most of the day thinking about it, and searching opinions of 'professionals' online.

Finally, I talked to some people, who I actually know and respect. I knew the answer all along was to tell her what I had done. They immediately confirmed what I already knew.

If you are to be a person with integrity, a person that can look at your spouse and feel love for them, there is no choice. You have opened this can of worms, you must let him decide what to do with them.

You may think you are doing him a service by keeping it inside, but ultimately you are robbing both of you at a chance for real intimacy.

I say this as a person that is about 72 hours into a hurricane of my own creation. It is better here, where truth matters, than it is staring at the storm front.
 
#29 ·
I know I am in the minority but I also say don't tell him. Just move on with your life. Perhaps it made you realize what you already have. Do you know what made you do it to begin with? I think since you did it there is some issue that needs to be worked on. I just think you should leave this detail out and move forward. In spite of what most say on this forum it can be done..
 
#31 ·
aanndd...live your marriage as a lie. Everytime he looks into your eyes and he smiles and says he loves you...that smile would be a lie. Everytime you say it back to him will be a lie because you allowed another man to come between you two.....

Can you honestly say that you will feel NO GUILT when he cuddles close to you and night and holds you in his arms?

Right now, your marriage is a sham... There is always going to be this big elephant in the room and he won't know why.
 
#32 ·
I realize that at this point I don't deserve the husband I have, but I can't lose him. It's true, I clearly wasn't thinking of this at the time of the affair. I think for me (and clearly this is biased) that if my husband cheated on me once (one night stand type of thing) I'd rather not know.
Oh Leslie,

What you do realize is you do not deserve your husband. Tell him what you did and see if he feels the same way towards you and the marriage. Be 100% honest and tell him you made a poor choice that you regret if that is truly how you feel.

Who knows you might be surprised what you find out about the man you do not deserve, he might be stronger than you think and cannot live life without you.....

What you don't realize is that you have already lost him. You made a bad choice, had sex with another man, put your husband and marriage at risk. Your husband is now clueless to the fact that his wife is unfaithful, has lied to him and keeps secrets in the marriage.

Face it Leslie, your commitment to your current marriage is broken.

Be honest, tell him what you did. Do not minimize the affair. Tell him how you feel and why you did it.

If you are a good person deep down that made a bad decision, you will realize that disclosure is the only choice in this matter. Your husband has a right to know. If you truly love him then you will tell him.

If you are a coward, then continue as you are living and keep making those choices that you obviously regret.

I am glad you reached out to us. I also understand the burden you bear. Please get tested for std's. We have seen numerous cases where the blindsided spouse found out their cheating significant other gave them the STD. That would be a horrible way for him to find out.

Do the right thing Leslie!

HM64
 
#74 ·
And please stop with the standard STD and counseling suggestings. People know that, if they are on here they want to talk about their situation not reprimanded
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I hate to say it but not everyone knows about STD and counseling, my exh had a ons and never did either. I went for an STD check on my own after finding out, 3 years after the fact.
 
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