Yeah, they all read Norman Vincent Peale and just changed the words. There was nothing new in this, and it certainly wasn't a secret, other then how they wrote the book. Hey I have a great idea for a song. Its called "Escalator to paradise" Its real slow and melodic. People may think that it is "Stairway to heaven" But its not.
Escalator to Paradise...frigging PRICELESS!!! LMAO!!!
I read the Secret; don't remember anything about it...but I did take a lot from 'He's just not that into you' when I was single.
No kids. Why are email passwords necessary? If he asks for it I will give them to him, but what good will offering them up do? Even when our relationship was good, we never exchanged email passwords. We have a shared bank account but we don't even share our separate pins.
And I'm sorry, but I've never cheated on someone before! I don't know how to go about trying to reconcile. I will call him in the morning, to be honest I've never liked the whole text thing. It avoids confrontation. But sincerely, thank you for your assistance, I will give hims pace till the morning.
The passwords will help with transparency if you decide to reconcile.
I say give him his space. Be available for him when he wants to talk.
The passwords will help with transparency if you decide to reconcile.
I say give him his space. Be available for him when he wants to talk.
I agree but I think the idea of simply checking in via text two or three times a day is a good one. It's up to the cheater to keep the door open if they want to reconcile - no matter how many times their spouse slams it in their face.
Overall, I have found this forum to be very helpful. I've learned a lot about how my actions and non-action can effect others. I've also, and unfortunately, learned that a lot of people out there are pretty cruel when it comes to people asking for help.
I came here to ask for help, not looking approval for my transgression. I didn't need people to accuse me of using my husband for security or being a career woman or claiming that I don't love him at all.
I don't understand where people get off on just telling people that they are terrible human beings. I needed this forum to gather resolve, not to be retold that what I've done is wrong.
And while cheating isn't to be condoned, it's not abnormal. It's unfortunately a very common issue, why else would there be an entire forum on infidelity!
One thing to recognize (and I hope it will help you with your husband) is that your choice of words matters. Your initial post said that you did not regret sleeping with the other guy. Even though you tried to explain that later, such a statement is certainly going to rattle more than a few cages around here. Couple that with considering not telling him, and you can certainly see why many would not be your biggest fans.
With that in mind, I am glad you came back and told your husband. Work hard to show him that you love him and regret doing this to him. I wish you luck.
Does it matter? If it helps people in their lives, gives them a positive outlook and a belief that they can change their life and do anything ... does it matter?
Religion is based on faith. Some people agree with the teachings, and some don't. But if it's what helps them in life then who is anyone to take that away from them.
Leslie, I'm sending you compassion and hope. I commend you for your honesty. Carrying such a dark secret would have poisoned you and your relationship w/ your husband. Yes, some of the responses have been harsh, but as the bandit pointed out they are coming form people with fresh wounds. Right now your husband has been similarly wounded. It will take time and patience for him to heal. You will get differing advice as to how much detail to give him. I would suggest that you ask him what he wants to know, and then be as forthright as you can be. I, for one, did not want a lot of detail. I wanted to know who and why. It may be that you don't really know why at this point. I suggest that you see an IC as well as an MC to try to find out what it is about you that allowed this to happen. My wife was never able to address the affair directly. She answered my questions in terms of hypotheticals, such as "Why would someone do this or that?" In answering these questions she revealed a lot of intimate details about herself that I had not discovered in over 25 years of marriage. And now to offer the hope part- we are still together and we still lover each other more than 10 yrs later. My prayers are with you and your husband.
I personally wouldnt tell. Would you want to leave your husband and want to break your family (have kids)? There are somethings we will have to live with in secret, he also probably has secrets himself. I beleive you will grow out of it and realize your family is most important over everything and nothing should and can break that. All the best.
I actually clicked on these last night and read them. They are very useful. Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
Does that mean it was bad before you went on this trip?
No, I just think we trusted each other that much. There was never a need or a wonder about what the other was doing. Our relationship was never bad. I'm sure this will make everyone angrier, but he was perfect. He loved me, respected me, and honored me and I repaid him by being selfish and I guess, *****-ish. That is the only reason I can seem to think of right now.
I am currently not staying in our home, per his request. I know he has gone out-of-town for a day or two and we are going to see a MC on Monday. If he does not show it will just turn into an IC session.
He has only been communicating with me via email and texts. I am trying to give him his space. My sister, whom I am staying with, insists that I am not doing enough to get him back. I do not want to harass him though if he wants his space. Should I harass him anyway? I've also been tempted to call one of his friends and have him check up on my husband for me. Is that wrong? At this point should I just leave him alone? My impulse is to keep trying to contact him, but my impulses are what ruined everything for us.
I understand and am willing to do whatever it takes to get him back. I don't want to mess up again.
Give him space, as he requested. Follow his lead. A couple of days cooling off won't hurt you or the marriage. If you think it will help, write down your thoughts and then read it to him in counseling (that is if you don't think you can get out what you want to say, due to the stress of the situation).
You are going to find out about what is called triggering. You or he, will not know what triggers him initially, but you will find out. It could be something as innocuous as a street sign, or him not being able to contact you or find you for a mere moment in time. He could go into a depression, or he could become very clingy. He may want sex all the time (which is called hysterical bonding) in trying to take back what is his. Or he could get physically sick and throw up at your touch. No one knows how the betrayed spouse will react.
Get some books and read them. There is a reading list available.
Did either of you ever state to one another that any infidelity would be quits?
Don't feel like you're the only one Leslie. My marriage was really good when I cheated to. It took my EA for my wife and I to realize that we had both become complacent and comfortable in the relationship - we had stopped "dating" each other.
I hate to ask what is likely a stupid question, but sometimes the obvious can get missed. Have you told him you are sorry? You cannot say it too many times, even if he wants his space. That and "I love you" (assuming it's genuine) he cannot hear to many times. Hearing them may cause him to backlash at you with questions like, "then why the fvck did you do this to me?" Answer as best you can and say them again. And again. And again.
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Re: Is it better not to tell? Feeling conflicted. 
