I think you summed it up perfectly bandit. I question one thing only. I don't think he necessarily has to be her probation officer. I think some people need the stability of their SO in order to center themselves. Not saying its right but I think its reality. In mine and Morrigan's case I describe it like this. She is extremely fun to be around. She likes loud music, going to bars, kind of a party girl just not in an extreme way. She is funny, outgoing and people tend to gravitate to her even though she is basically somewhat of a private person. She can also get down on herself quite easily. She can get in these moods where she becomes reclusive and keeps to herself. I've often suggested that she is bi polar and she has been evaluated for that. But her highs are not extreme and her lows are not bottoming out so if she is bi polar its really mild. That said I describe her personality as more expansive and variable.
Now I am very centered. I do not deviate much from one day to another. I can get into ruts sometimes where I do the same thing day in and day out without much change. I plan everything and have actually had to work at being spontaneous. What I'm getting at is that my personality complements Morrigan's. I keep her from spiraling out of control and she keeps me from getting top staid. Additionally I do not see myself as her probation officer but more as her stabilizing force. When I was going through some health issues years ago she was well and truly lost. She didn't know how to react at all. She began talking to more and more people on Facebook and retreating inside her own little world a bit. Now she should have been more supportive to me then because that would have been the time to do so. But she just didn't know how. After my health crisis was over we talked and she agreed she needed to become more self reliant and centered. She's worked on that for many years.
Thor, maybe when you weren't around she had no choice but to become self reliant for a time knowing that you'd be coming home soon. When you were home and had your issues she couldn't rely on you and she didn't know how to handle it. I'm not saying she was right to do what she did but she basically "flipped" for a while. Now that you are essentially separated she again doesn't have you to rely on much so she started seeking an old friend's support. This doesn't mean that you and her aren't right for each other. It just means that you compliment each other and you and her fill each other's spaces. Just a few thoughts.
What a week and a weekend.
I am owning up to what I have done wrong in R, in our relationship since D-day.
Some of you know that since October I live apart from my wife during the week due to a promotion and having to relocate for that. My wife was already into her A at this time. We have been looking to buy another house so we can be together. D-day was Nov. 29 2011.
If we had been living together during the week the wrong road I took in R would not have happened. I am not making excuses for my wrong behavior but that is a reality. I would not have triggered as much which led to me acting out in destructive ways and ways that were not fair to my wife.
My wife was seriously considering divorse due to my behavior. My boys were mad at me, her two brothers turned against me and you know what, they were right.
First off I need to say some things about what I have done wrong since D-day.
1. I started drinking hard. I never did this in the past. My drinking was out of control.
2. I did not control my anger. I allowed my anger to control me and felt justified in it. I was never an angry person.
3. I became mentally and verbally abusive to my wife. I was not aware of it, but I was. Again, not the way I have been in the past.
4. I became controlling.
5. I became excessively paranoid.
6. I lost focus on my career. Fortunately I had two great evals and my mid year two weeks ago was great. So I stayed focused in my job day to day (it was hard), but I missed a chance to pass my National Board in April and have to wait to later in the year and I would have been automatically promoted again. I blamed her for that.
7. I blamed my wife for everything. Traffic being jammed up, our house settlement getting delayed, just about everything.
8. I blamed her for my moods.
9. etc, etc.
I want to say again, if we were together during the week none of this would have happened. But because I allowed the situation to drive me into looney land it has become my problem and I own it.
Things that my wife did, how being apart impacted it, why I not being there with her did not help and how my reaction to it made things worst.
1. She went into counseling in early December and got off track. Then she stopped going giving me every excuse in the book. Then she announced when she did go (after a month of not being in IC) that she no longer needs to be seen because her depression was under control and that is not why she went in for IC. Had I been home during this time I would have been able to assist my wife in focusing on her issues. I am convinced that she would have listened to me. But when she stopped going, I started to blast her verbally. I blasted her when she told me about the depression. She shut me out of her treatment due to my anger. When I approached her at one point about it she told me that she needed a kick in the pants to get back on track. But because I kept blasting her verbally she got the attitude of why should I bother.
2. Her anti-depressive caused her sex drive to become non-existant. I had a similar experience in the 90's with a stomach med. She told me in December that she did not like it and would speak to her doctor about it. She did not. Her excuse was she was not thinking about it. Honestly, that is how I was in the 90's, the meds take the drive away and you do not think about it. My wife got mad at me then and researched the med and it affected about 5% of men and she told me to get it fixed and I did. For my wife's issue I allowed my wife to just complain about it and telling me she would get it fixed, instead of asking her to make an appointment. She forgot about it and it drove me nuts. I blew up at her a few weeks ago. The problem was this. The meds are helping her. It was honestly an out of sight out of mind thing for her. Then it became why bother, my husband gets mad at everything I do, and the meds are helping me, forget him.
3. Her rug sweeping. She was owning up to it but when I kept up the pressure on her by yelling and demanding she justified it. Thinking even if I try to work on things, try to be honest all I get is cursed and yelled at. Again, her attitude is why bother.
I could go on.
My wife's willingness for R and her accepting responsibility and wanting to work through things became derailed when I became a drunk, yelling person.
Friday and this weekend was pivotal. My wife laid it on the line, she was going to divorse me. My boys were mad at me, her two brothers were telling her to divorse me. The focus was on me not her. I was the one out of control.
Had I been home I would have talked things out instead of letting them build, then getting drunk on my way home on Friday evenings, acting stupid and yelling. Had I been home I would have seen her everyday working on things, instead of becoming paranoid as to where she was, what she was doing, etc.
I have completely reversed the focus of her issues and her A, to me being a jerk. That is a fact.
I lost the high ground. I have become the problem.
Thursday night I surprised her and came home. I thought she was doing no good, had a private phone. I launched into her. It was not a good scene. My boys yelled at me. I tried to fixed what I did but I did a lot of damage. And drove back to where I was living, angry and feeling stupid.
Friday I asked to leave work early. My wife called me and I told her I was coming home and she said she would get in the shower. When I got home she was cold. No hi, no hugs, no kisses, nothing. No sex. She told me she has shut down. She said she wanted a good weekend. We talked, talked some more. Friday we did some things around the house. I apologized to her for my anger. I promised not to lose control again (I meant it). I told her I have a right to be angry but not to be destructive and promised in the future that when I am angry we will discuss it in positive ways.
Saturday no affection. I slept downstairs. We talked throughout the day. My wife suggested that we do yardwork together. So we got more mulch, pulled weeds, mowed the yard etc. I have lumber from a small barn I tore down for a guy stacked in my yard and my wife suggested we build a little bench. At least she was trying to work on things in a positive way. We never really built stuff together. So I got my saws and other woodworking stuff out and we built a bench. We did other projects around the house. Saturday night nothing again. I slept downstairs though my wife told me that I could sleep in the bed. I did not want to do that, I honestly was feeling bad. I kept telling her throughout the day that if we were together during the week that I would not have done what I did. I told her I am not making excuses for my behavior but she needs to know that we would be further ahead if we were together. She told me that D will be off the table once we move, maybe sooner, but she is now not considering it as long as I do not lose control of my anger like I had in the past as she can't take it.
Sunday, we worked around the house. I told her again that if we had been together I would not have acted out the way I did. I told her I am sincerely sorry for losing control. We painted, I worked on my fruit trees, she painted the bench we built (making it look distressed). She suggested that we build a small bird house. We did. We talked a little throughout the day about things. I kept telling her that if she continues to withdraw her affection from me that it will not be good. I told her I understand but I said I am hurting and she needs to understand that. We watched a ball game together. Sunday night I was more or less avoiding her, not knowing how she was going to be. She announced at 8:30 P.M. that she was taking a bath and going to bed. She has to get up early on Monday mornings now. I tell her I am sleeping downstairs. She always checks the house locks, make sure the dog in crated, and does other things as a routine. I am downstairs expecting her to come down and at least say goodnight, check the dog, etc., nothing. I go up and she is asleep. It is 8:45 P.M. I turn on the light and she pops up started. She is looking at me like ok, here it comes. I tell her why are you asleep and did not even bother to check things out. She said well I knew you would. I said, listen I am not angry but very frustrated. I said, you wanted a good weekend, you wanted me to end being out of control. I told her I gave her that and this is the thanks I get, you going to bed, without saying word. I said you know I have to leave early in the morning and you won't say goodbye or goodnight. I said this is not even fair. I said this is over the top. She sat up and said that I am right. Pulls me over and gives me a hug. The first hug in a week. Then she said let's go outside. We go on the front porch and she snuggles with me, hugs me, and gives me a peck. We sit there for about 10 minutes and I said you need to go to bed. She said I need to go to bed with her. We go to bed, she gives me a deep kiss, a hug and we fall asleep holding hands.
This morning we said our goodbyes.
I know this is long but I want to share that we the BS's can do things wrong and that can be as damaging. We the BS's have to own up to things we do badly.
I hope this helps someone. Because I am in a better place and could have blown it big time.
Oh, I am meeting the GF and my wife said I can decide after I meet her whether it is a good thing or a bad thing.