Caprica ,I understand you came here looking for help and the some of the responses you're going to get will seem harsh but most of them are just trying to get you to understand the gravity of your actions. Most people on here have been cheated on so they know the pain of infidelity.
It isn't about you being a bad person, both you and the other man have wrecked two families and his children risk living in a broken home. Put yourself in his wife's position and imagine the agony she will go through if she finds out what happened. You might be a mother some day, pray this doesn't happen to your family. This isn't a man to fall in love with caprica, they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. In all honesty you're morally obligated to tell his wife.
I'm not going to give you the "you shoulda,coulda,woulda" line but like others have said, it's best to divorce your husband and find a compatible partner.
At 24 sex shouldn't be an issue with you two, you're both young and virile and frankly regaining attraction to your husband will be a steep climb. Take this as a sobering lesson to what infidelity causes.
I wonder if you o nly want to work on your marriage now that you see the OM isn't leaving his wife.
Your post went from "We fell in love" several times to "I want to work on my marriage" to "I'm not sure things will change."
I love the other guy, not seeing him or contacting him is tearing me apart. It hurts but I know I deserve that.
I never expected or wanted him to leave his wife. What I'm worried about is fixing things with my husband and being in the same situation again years down the line.
I know I can work at this and make my marriage work and I know thats what my husband wants, but I don't know if its fair on ether of us to do this. I want to prove to him im sorry and I know I can do that, but should I put him through that. Or should I hurt him more now so he'll be happier without me in the future.
I want to fix things, I just need to make sure that fixing things is right for both of us.
We work together, he is an engineer i am a project manager. He didn't go looking for this. we spent a lot of late nights in work and got on really well.
I also did try with my husband all of the advice i was given I took and tried to change things. I never went out looking for him and he never went out looking for me.
I have been completely honest with my husband, when he questioned me about it I didn't lie, i told him exactly what had happened. Whats the point in lying
I dont need people to tell me how horrible I am. I know this, I hate myself right now. My husband wants to work through this and come out the other end. I want that too, but I'm scared that the same problems will arise. I will never do what I have done again, but what sort of life is that for me and him. Doesn't he deserve someone who loves him for him and who isn't just staying with him because that's what he wants.
When this happened to me I quit my job. I was the chief technical person in my company. An enviable job for a tech. My marriage was more important.
You must go NC with this other guy. That requires you to change jobs.
The NC will allow you to go through withdrawal. You will find then that you can work on your marriage. Also you will view your history in a different light. In other words WSs do some amount of history re-writing. You are probably not being honest with yourself. Not saying there is not an issue but your view is tainted right now as you have fallen in love with another and are not thinking clearly and need to feel justified. This is a protection mechanism otherwise we realize we have done a terrible thing. It is how people cope when they have done wrong.
Likely your relationship is a combination of the two of you. I suggest you both do His Needs Her Needs and establish better boundaries. My wife and I did this after my EA and it made a huge difference.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-04-2012 at 11:18 AM.
I want to prove to him im sorry and I know I can do that, but should I put him through that.
No.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caprica_six
Or should I hurt him more now so he'll be happier without me in the future.
Yes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caprica_six
I want to fix things, I just need to make sure that fixing things is right for both of us.
No, you don't. Nice try. Caprica, There is no one to impress here, we know you don't want to feed the hungry, you don't dream of world peace, and your not thinking about what's best for other people.
C'mon. Be honest with yourself. What's best for your husband is of no concern to you. You are thinking of your needs and your happiness.
Move on. It's what's best for you.. If it helps you sleep and looks good on your self image resume.... It's also what's best for him. Leaving is a very selfless act, your a good person deep at heart, and all that stuff. blah, blah.
What ever you do, please STAY AWAY from that man and his children. You don't want to live with that.
For the record, Im not trying to be harsh with you, this is just reality. The reality is that this is a brutal situation that you have put yourself, and a lot of other people in. This is not a movie, or a TV show... People are going to get some really deep scars, lives are going to be changed forever... and some of those lives belong to innocent children.
Your young, go live your life. Your deserve happiness, and joy and all the things life has to offer. Just not a the cost of destroying other people.
I am sorry to see you in such a fix but believe me it is only a temporary thing. The emotions that you feel for your work colleague are nothing more than just emotions and will one day fade away. Your marriage is the real deal here that you should be working to save. I dont believe that there is anything that you cannot sort out if you commit yourself to it. Your marriage is what you need to concentrate on and one day you will learn to love each other.
I see that you liked ThatGirl's comment above. There is your answer.
What are you looking for? You already know you don't love your husband--you said so yourself. You guys barely have sex and I imagine you haven't even been married that long (going off your ages here).
You said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caprica_six
I love the other guy, not seeing him or contacting him is tearing me apart. It hurts but I know I deserve that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caprica_six
On Sunday my husband hacked my facebook account and read the messages between the other guy and I. I delete them every week but he read a part where i told the other guy that I loved him and that I wasn't in love with my husband any more.
Meaning, your husband find out about the affair on his own. Just a few days ago. Meaning you didn't come clean to him yourself. Meaning, that is less incentive for you to even want to stay in the marriage.
Stop kidding yourself, girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caprica_six
This is what I want 100%, but I'm not in love with him, my heart is breaking but not because of my husband, because of the other guy. Not being able to see him is killing me.
It sounds like you just want justification as to why you should leave. And honestly, I think you should get a divorce. Because you admittedly do not love your husband. To me, nothing could be more cruel/selfish than staying with him if you do not love him. It's like committing fraud. With someone's heart.
I wonder if you o nly want to work on your marriage now that you see the OM isn't leaving his wife.
Your post went from "We fell in love" several times to "I want to work on my marriage" to "I'm not sure things will change."
BINGO!
Caprica, do not devalue your husband to #2. He is not your fallback. He is not your safety net. He is a man who is in love with you and did not deserve to be cheated on or treated like a doormat.
Be merciful and divorce him. He will hurt for a long time. He will hate you. But after a while he will move on and find someone who can love him for who he is, and not some pie-in-the-sky wonder-man like you are looking for. Such a man does not exist.
And I know a lot of these posts seem harsh (they are meant to serve as a wake up call to you) yet at the same time--it doesn't even sound like you're compatible with your hubby on an important fundamental level-you want a sexual relationship with him and he doesn't with you.
This post is offensive and reeks of sexism and ignorance. Enough said.
Okay Warlock, you tell me why he doesn't want to have sex with his wife. I suppose I forgot he could be also having an affair. Seriously, find me another possible answer that is more feasible than my set of possbilities.
It is clear the issue (at least from her) is their sex life. So I'm trying to get to that issue.
Maybe you find masturbation, low libido or homosexuality as offensive, but these have all been legitimate reasons for sexual problems in dozens, if not hundreds of these posts and threads. I'm actually trying to help the OP here, which is what I thought the point of this site was.
I am sorry to see you in such a fix but believe me it is only a temporary thing. The emotions that you feel for your work colleague are nothing more than just emotions and will one day fade away. Your marriage is the real deal here that you should be working to save. I dont believe that there is anything that you cannot sort out if you commit yourself to it. Your marriage is what you need to concentrate on and one day you will learn to love each other.
I disagree. I don't think that this marriage can be saved. Sexual needs are oftentimes different for each partner in a marriage, but only being intimate five times in one year is a serious issue.
Obviously, cheating on her SO was not the solution. Others have mentioned counseling. However, now we have the pall of infidelity hanging over an already troubled marriage. They're both young and it's probably time for them to cut their losses (especially since there are no kids involved.)
Okay Warlock, you tell me why he doesn't want to have sex with his wife. I suppose I forgot he could be also having an affair. Seriously, find me another possible answer that is more feasible than my set of possbilities.
It is clear the issue (at least from her) is their sex life. So I'm trying to get to that issue.
Maybe you find masturbation, low libido or homosexuality as offensive, but these have all been legitimate reasons for sexual problems in dozens, if not hundreds of these posts and threads. I'm actually trying to help the OP here, which is what I thought the point of this site was.
It was sexist and offensive because it implied that the husband was at fault for the affair and that the *husband* has to fix the sex life or their marriage will fail.
No, it is the wife's fault she cheated. It is up to *her* to feel remorse and *want* reconciliation. She has stated quite clearly that she *doesn't* feel remorse and that she *doesn't* love her husband.
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Re: Im not married to the man I love 
