Because I did love him, we both got lazy and stopped caring and I messed up. I wish I had tried to fix things before i dont something stupid but I didn't.
I know we can be fantastic together because we have been in the past. We just have to work to get back there. I hope
Going full no contact with the OM is the only way to fall out of love with him and out of the fog you are in. No texts, no calls, no nothing. You need to quit your job, this week.
If you and your husband have are going to have a go at it, then you need to be 100% transparent to your husband in every way. You need to stop avoiding conflict and uncomfortable talks with your husband. Men are not psychic, and we cannot "read" women to know what they want.
It sounds to me like you never brought your true concerns or feelings to him back before the affair. Thus you never gave him the opportunity to work on the problems in the marriage and show you he could be the husband you needed him to be.
No, instead you hoped he would read your mind, and when he didn't you allowed your resentment to build a wall between the two of you, choking out the passion and love you had for him when you were newlyweds.
This avoidance behavior on your part has to stop! This is one thing that you must work on in counseling if you and your husband are ever to begin communicating.
Once communication between the two of you is restored, then the feelings will return. When the feelings return, the physical attraction should come back. But during all this, you will have the additional burden of dealing with his anger and his triggers, and it will take years before he ever gives you his trust again.
Are you strong enough to stick it out?