@caprica, get you husband tested for sexual problems. The frequency is abnormally low for a guy in 20's and for the marriage to work. He might be embarrassed but you need to push for sex therapy for the marriage to have a chance. Without that there is no hope.
I guess I don't understand--if you say you don't love your husband and are in love with someone else, why do you want to stay married? it makes no frickin sense.
Makes perfect sense.
She didn't say she wants to be married. She said she doesn't want to be 24 and divorced without trying... huge difference.
Guilt and image maintainance.
Q: If the marriage ends right now, what caused the marriage to end? A: "affair"
Q: If the marriage ends in a year, after they both "try" to fix it, what caused the marriage to end? A: "compatibility"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caprica_six
Even if i leave him, i could never be with the other guy, he is married and has kids and would never leave because he's too scared he'll lose his kids, which I completely understand.
(see above) There isn't a fantasy land future with OM. Of course she wants to "try".
and there is NO WAY IN H3LL this poster tells the OM's wife anything.
Listen.... Don't get snowed here. This is not about her conscience, or doing whats right.
First, he had to decide whether to reconcile with you or not. Then, you have to decide whether you want to also.
Then you guys need to get to the bottom of this sex frequency thing. He sounds embarrassed about it, but does he realize what you need? If you get to this step, you need to demand honest communication/counseling about it.
He could be embarrassed for any of the reasons I mentioned before. Maybe he has low libido and feels like less of a man. Maybe he's sexually confused and doesn't want to admit it or talk about that possibility. Maybe he has a porn addiction and gets himself off 3-4 times a week and is spent (sorry). People do have this addiction and aren't proud of it.
I think the possibility of him not being sexually attracted to you anymore is out the window, considering this started even before you got married.
Then why in the hell did you marry a man with whom you were not sexually compatible? My god in heaven!
I never thought it was a huge problem, everything in every other way was so good. Best friends done everything together. I thought I could live with the sex thing.
I realise now that its a bigger part of life than I imagined.
We became friends and not lovers. We need to be both for this to work.
I still maintain this isn't salvageable--unless he actually steps up to the plate and has sex with her and she womans up to figure out why she fel tht eneed to cheat on her marriage and the other man's.
You guys are so young to be living in a sexless marriage. Is your husband even at home yet?? What did he say everytime you wanted to have se x? What if he doesn't want s ex again? What will you do? What if he doesn't want to have a sexua l relationship with yoU?
Some of you aren't reading the OPs post. Her husband already knows she cheated - he left and they have been talking through it. Telling her to "fess up" does no good - they've gotten there already.
What she does need to do is be honest about her feelings about their sex life. That advice is spot on.
Either 1) her husband isn't sexually attracted to her, 2) her husband masturbates regularly and doesn't have enough left for his wife, 3) he has a very low libido, or 4) her husband is gay
So he needs to tell her which of these four it is. No 26 year old man has sex with his wife 5 x in a year if one of these 4 isn't happening.
So to the OP - find out which it is. If you want the marriage to work, it starts there. And you will be lucky as hell if your husband really takes you back.
I think there is a #5 and #6 that should be added to the list. He might have some kind of hormone problem. *Thyroid or Testosterone. He might have depression. I would get those checked up on right away.
I still maintain this isn't salvageable--unless he actually steps up to the plate and has sex with her and she womans up to figure out why she fel tht eneed to cheat on her marriage and the other man's.
You guys are so young to be living in a sexless marriage. Is your husband even at home yet?? What did he say everytime you wanted to have se x? What if he doesn't want s ex again? What will you do? What if he doesn't want to have a sexua l relationship with yoU?
If he doesnt want to then I can't stay in it. That sounds selfish, but I can't live without it.
But its not just the sex I need, I need someone to look after me, I don't have any parents and I need him to help me through that. He has known that since we got together so its no surprise.
he isnt home yet. He has been here every day to talk things through but can't stay. Which I understand completely.
If he doesnt want to then I can't stay in it. That sounds selfish, but I can't live without it.
But its not just the sex I need, I need someone to look after me, I don't have any parents and I need him to help me through that. He has known that since we got together so its no surprise.
TELL HIM THAT. Today.
And you need to listen to what he needs from you.
I hate to sound like a cynic but...... I don't really see this improving cause it's been happening for so dang long and you haven't even been married that long.
I hate to sound like a cynic but...... I don't really see this improving cause it's been happening for so dang long and you haven't even been married that long.
Hes heading over for dinner RIGHT NOW so im going to go get ready for him.
Thank you guys for your advice, Ill update tomorrow.
I have to say that TAM is the ONLY board I post on, and it often brings the worst out in me when I respond to some of these people, which I usually feel guilty about later on. However, I don't really feel any guilt in posting this for obvious reasons.
Pit absolutely nailed this situation in post #93. NAILED IT!
But it’s not just the sex I need, I need someone to look after me, I don't have any parents and I need him to help me through that.
Wow, that’s rough. I wonder if you gave any thought to the AP’s kids and the likelihood of your affair severely affecting their parents and access to them. I’m guessing NOT.
I wonder if you gave any thought to the AP’s wife and HER desire for her husband to look after HER. I’m guessing NOT.
I wonder what you possibly “bring to the table” that makes you wife material: certainly you are fu(k material, as evidenced by the affair that you had, but what benefits do you offer to your husband as a partner?
You can’t be trusted.
You have no ethics.
You are an absolute coward (First, for not discussing these issues in depth with your husband but instead deciding to run off and fk some other dude, and SECONDLY, for not womaning up and telling the OW, which we all know you won’t do NOT because you are concerned for her well being (because you have already demonstrated you could give two sh!ts about her or her children) but because at some level, you are aware that this will COMPLETELY ruin the fantasy that everyone here but you can see that you still live in: your prince charming will be outed and instantly transform into the evil troll that, in reality, he IS). You have no remorse for any of the terrible things you did to multiple people, INCLUDING CHILDREN.
In short, you appear to have all the qualities of a sociopath. What, in your mind, can you offer your husband who, short of lacking in the sex department (which you have made no serious effort to confront and fix), seems to be an otherwise decent human being? I’m very curious as to what you think qualifies you to even be in a marriage to begin with? So far, the only reason you appear to want to work it out with your husband is for financial security. I can only hope your husband wanders onto this site so he can learn how to properly deal with someone as unethical and unremorseful as yourself.
All that said, I truly wish you the best in your future forays in cheating on your husband with married men with children. I’m sure it will alllll work out for you in the end and that you’ll be much happier for it. Best of luck.
I have to say that TAM is the ONLY board I post on, and it often brings the worst out in me when I respond to some of these people, which I usually feel guilty about later on. However, I don't really feel any guilt in posting this for obvious reasons.
Pit absolutely nailed this situation in post #93. NAILED IT!
But it’s not just the sex I need, I need someone to look after me, I don't have any parents and I need him to help me through that.
Wow, that’s rough. I wonder if you gave any thought to the AP’s kids and the likelihood of your affair severely affecting their parents and access to them. I’m guessing NOT.
I wonder if you gave any thought to the AP’s wife and HER desire for her husband to look after HER. I’m guessing NOT.
I wonder what you possibly “bring to the table” that makes you wife material: certainly you are fu(k material, as evidenced by the affair that you had, but what benefits do you offer to your husband as a partner?
You can’t be trusted.
You have no ethics.
You are an absolute coward (First, for not discussing these issues in depth with your husband but instead deciding to run off and fk some other dude, and SECONDLY, for not womaning up and telling the OW, which we all know you won’t do NOT because you are concerned for her well being (because you have already demonstrated you could give two sh!ts about her or her children) but because at some level, you are aware that this will COMPLETELY ruin the fantasy that everyone here but you can see that you still live in: your prince charming will be outed and instantly transform into the evil troll that, in reality, he IS). You have no remorse for any of the terrible things you did to multiple people, INCLUDING CHILDREN.
In short, you appear to have all the qualities of a sociopath. What, in your mind, can you offer your husband who, short of lacking in the sex department (which you have made no serious effort to confront and fix), seems to be an otherwise decent human being? I’m very curious as to what you think qualifies you to even be in a marriage to begin with? So far, the only reason you appear to want to work it out with your husband is for financial security. I can only hope your husband wanders onto this site so he can learn how to properly deal with someone as unethical and unremorseful as yourself.
All that said, I truly wish you the best in your future forays in cheating on your husband with married men with children. I’m sure it will alllll work out for you in the end and that you’ll be much happier for it. Best of luck.
I totally understand the bit about responding to some people here bringing out the worst in you, and I am in agreement with you and pit-of-my-stomach. I don't buy it. I hear no remorse, just excuses and lots of attempts to draw attention from the actual issues at hand.
Even now it is down to "give me sex or I'm leaving" despite the fact she says she doesn't love him. Um, which is the bigger issue? Even if he gave her everything she wanted, she wouldn't love him.
That's the "poor little me" attitude that so many people use to justify the terrible things they do to others. I'm sorry about your parents, but KirkSpot is right. You gave no thought to his children.
You want more sex and someone to look after you. What does your husband want? Do you ask about his needs? Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Im not married to the man I love 
I totally understand the bit about responding to some people here bringing out the worst in you, and I am in agreement with you and pit-of-my-stomach. I don't buy it. I hear no remorse, just excuses and lots of attempts to draw attention from the actual issues at hand.
